Ex wants me out

[antoinetteh]

Don't want to give to much info as some friends are on here.

We split up last year after his affair texting a girl from work he moved out and rented another place. Not sure if they are still talking he doesn't say much.

We've been together for 11 years and have two DC's I've always had the same job working from my beauty room at home. He now has told me to leave and that he will give me some money to set myself up and he wants his car back.

If I leave I won't have any where to work from and I will struggle to private rent because of COVID and not working.

Whenever he comes round it turns into an argument as he wants to put the house up for sale, not sure what to do as this has been mine and the kids house for years and also my work space as well.

@antoinetteh

Yes I know I have to leave, I've been with him since high school so don't know really know how to manage without him. He's always done the bills and organised all my money. I've never rented somewhere in my life.

I don't really know what I'm doing and to top it off I'm still on anti-depressants l. Don't know how il manage all on my own

This makes me so sad. I feel for you but I think you also need some tough love. You need to take a step back and realise that this wasn't something that was done to you that you had no say in. You let him manage everything all this time. You were both together since high school presumably (unless he's waaay older than you), and he's learned how to do these things. You could have also done this and stepped up.... but you let him manage everything/bills/house/money etc. You need to get on your big woman pants and realise that was silly but it's in the past and better late than never. There;s a first time for everything and a million other adults manage to run their own lives (your ex included!) and therefore there is no reason why you can't. Don't roll over again. Use this as an opportunity to change the tone going forward and take control of your own life!!!!! The independence and self worth will be so worth it and you will never let anyone take it away from you again and will not settle for not equal management of things in any future relationship.

Good luck. The rest of your life starts today. You CAN manage it. There's nothing inherently special or different about all the women and men who do.

I suggest you apply for a housing association house asap.

But its not unreasonable for him to want you to leave his house if you are no longer a couple.

I agree that you need to start taking more responsibility for your own life.

Why are people recommending a solicitor? This is such stupid advice.

She's not going to get anything and once she involves a lawyer, it will 100% turn ugly. If he finds out, it's all over. Better to work out what she needs to live and ask him to make good on the money he's offered. If she has a plan for what she needs, he may pay more.

OP: DO NOT GO TO A SOLICITOR. AND IF YOU DO, DO NOT TELL HIM!!!

He has been extremely generous up to now. He seems like a good guy. Don't let mumsnet sour your relatively amiable split and turn it ugly.

Misery loves company and lots of posters love telling people to do things they would never do in real life.Do not go the legal route. It won't work and you will end up worse off.

@willibald

People bleat on about how their relationship is stronger than a piece of paper,

Oh, yeah! A piece of paper. So is a passport, a will, a university degree, a court order, a jury summons, a fixed penalty notice.

And a winning lottery ticket.

@Cocomarine I’m sure you are right that there is somewhat more to it, and doubtless for many reasons society needs to change hugely.

My point was only really that there is protection in law that people can avail themselves of, and that I still thing there should be an “opt in” system for sharing all property rather than “opt out”.

I don’t see the harm in speaking to a lawyer, just to confirm, but I agree with pps that say don’t tell him.

Afaik there may be some sort of resulting trust attaching to the deposit money you put it if you can prove it. Is it more than he’s offering to give you?

I do agree with just working out what you need and seeing if he will help out a bit more.

@BadLad - good point!!!

If you were married you could prevent sale of the house until youngest is 18. It makes no sense that a woman who has been with a man for many years raised his children but because she isn’t married doesn’t have that same right?

@Mylovelyhorsee

If you were married you could prevent sale of the house until youngest is 18. It makes no sense that a woman who has been with a man for many years raised his children but because she isn’t married doesn’t have that same right?

Its hardly news that the OP couldn't have been unaware of in the 11 years of this relationship though, is it? The ex will still be liable to pay for his children.

I really think her ex has been very decent here, allowing her to live in his house free of charge and providing her with a car and moving out and incurring additional expenses himself.

Time to start looking for a salaried job OP.

@Mylovelyhorsee

If you were married you could prevent sale of the house until youngest is 18. It makes no sense that a woman who has been with a man for many years raised his children but because she isn’t married doesn’t have that same right?

No, you couldn't. This is a myth.

If you are married you and your spouse would need to split the equity in the house, either by your own agreement or court order. In many cases, although not all, this will necessitate selling the house. There is absolutely no entitlement for either party to stay there until the children are grown and neither party could prevent the sale of the property if a court ordered it.

If you're joint owners and the courts are not involved, then yes you could prevent a sale because both your approval would be needed for the sale (nothing to do with the age of any children), but in all likelihood one party refusing a sale is going to lead to a dispute, which is going to lead to court...

@Mylovelyhorsee I think you’re referring to a Mesher Order, and whilst a divorcing party can certainly apply for one - it is not a legal right. They’re actually declining in use now, as they’re not always fair to both parties.

If you were married you could prevent sale of the house until youngest is 18. It makes no sense that a woman who has been with a man for many years raised his children but because she isn’t married doesn’t have that same right?
No, you couldn't. This is a myth.

Sometimes people can . It depends on all of the circumstances, although it’s probably quite rarez

Yes rare on not they still happen, I know this from real life. My point is being married gives you options. It’s hard to wrap your heart round that a woman not married has very little options.

I think if a woman (or man) did have all the options, it would be harder to wrap your head around the point of the legal contract we know as marriage.

What if I earn £100K a year and my husband £100K too. I’m a saver he’s a spender. I came into the relationship with a house I’ve paid off, and another I inherited that I’m letting out. I love him, but I know relationships don’t always work out. I’m confident enough of ours that we agree to have kids. On the reasonably strong chance it doesn’t work out - I don’t want to lose my assets. He has plenty of money anyway. There is no abuse here.
Answer: don’t marry.

Or I don’t actually earn that much. Neither does he. He unilaterally decides that he’s going to be a SAHD. I beg him to go back to work. Maybe he’s even a shit SAHD. The saving on childcare isn’t as much as the loss of his earnings. He’s just lazy, and does nothing with the child. I end up paying for childcare too some days, because I’m worried my child is just left whilst he plays computer games all day. I had no choice in this, I can’t make him work.
Eventually, I leave him.
And thank fuck, I don’t have to buy him out of the house I’ve paid the mortgage on - because I never married him.

You can clog the courts up with all the nuances of what’s fair... or you can say, “hey, let’s hugely reduce the court cases by offering everyone the chance to decide to enter into the legal contract of marriage”

"It makes no sense that a woman who has been with a man for many years raised his children but because she isn’t married doesn’t have that same right?"

It makes no sense that any woman/ person would enter into this type of arrangement with no financial self sufficiency before hand or ongoing. It makes no sense that a woman/person would not continue to work full time and earn their own money.

It also makes no sense that a woman would get married , not contribute any financial deposit/ legal fees / stamp duty for home / pay mortgage and council tax, insurances /elec bills,life assurance/pet insurance/. wifi/
Sky/netflix/water/ car ins /etc, then but be entitled to half of everything, just because she " got married and chose to stay at home raising children".

Why does that person who plans children,then decides to stay home and because they are " married" that then negates any need for them to financially support themselves and their children? If they then split up, as they are married ..., all bills and shiz taken care of by someone else!

You do not ever need to be married if you have your own money and pension and can ultimately always take care of yourself and the children you bring into this world. You can just enjoy a relationship for what it is and what it brings to you.

Even being married, you should always need to be able to support yourself. To say to women "be married" as that entitles you to at least half of what someone else has earnt is a wrong msg. There are many women who are full time single mums and full time workers. We manage just fine and own our own homes, have our own monies. Not one or the other , we are both parent and breadwinner and independent.

Just because you are married , a SAHM having put nothing financially into a house, its deposit and on going bills and costs, moved into other half's hse but we are married blah blah . does not morally entitle you to half of everything. You chose to SAH . You chose to have children. You chose to have no money of yr own.

What is sad about this thread is most posts have been about

• you should have got married, you have been silly, you are screwed now! Let him txt who he likes- was your dignity / housing worth it etc! Disgraceful.

Not many posts advising OP that she will be ok, she can use her beauty skills to rebuild her life and a future successful business. She can and will be a success. She has made a brave and right decision for her. Just as well OP not married as it would have cost her £1000's to free herself from this relationship legally. As it stands she is not married, so she can walk as far and wide as she likes now, into her new life.

A lot to be said for not being married. Unless of course your partner/ husband home is yr home, yr car, your income for food and bills, and you have left yourself with nothing and no means. You maybe married but you will need to stay married if that is how you fund your raising children and live and plan to continue to see out yr life.

It might be his legal right to ask you to leave, but is it morally right to make your DCs homeless too? Can’t see how this makes him a good guy.

@CatherineofOnandon well yes, if op had asked for help or advice on how to move forward, she would have got that.

What is sad about this thread is most posts have been about
- you should have got married, you have been silly, you are screwed now! Let him txt who he likes- was your dignity / housing worth it etc! Disgraceful.

I felt from the op she was looking to stay in the house (not unreasonable at all) and wanted to know what legal rights she had, however who is to blame for the op not having her name on the house or being married

@Livelovebehappy What’s the alternative though? And if homelessness is an issue for the children there is the option they stay in the family home with dad.

@VinterKvinna i agree. That is why i suggested in my yesterdays post OP move on and build a new life.

I am just saying being married is not a passport to long term housing or income stream. People should always have their own financial security.

@Nicknacky What’s the alternative though? And if homelessness is an issue for the children there is the option they stay in the family home with dad.

No, options are mum and children stay together. Why should mum and children be separated because dad txt's other women. Options are, we as a society , provide a safe space and a home for OP and her children.

A woman in need has come here for support and you @Nicknacky suggest OP's children live with their dad.

[quote CatherineofOnandon]**@Nicknacky What’s the alternative though? And if homelessness is an issue for the children there is the option they stay in the family home with dad.

No, options are mum and children stay together. Why should mum and children be separated because dad txt's other women. Options are, we as a society , provide a safe space and a home for OP and her children.

A woman in need has come here for support and you @Nicknacky suggest OP's children live with their dad.
[/quote]
options are mum and children stay together. Why should mum and children be separated because dad txt's other women. Options are, we as a society , provide a safe space and a home for OP and her children.

there is no suggestion that the father is not fit to take care of the children though, all (i use it lightly) he has done wrong is to no longer want to pay for a house he is not living in, and he wants to put the house up for sale

Do you think the OP should be able to live there rent free? where do you suggest he lives?

@CatherineofOnandon Not at all and don’t twist my words. However I was addressing that poster who referred to the children being made homeless.

Therefore staying with dad would be a valid option, would it not? The main priority is the children and their welfare.

Dad appears to be trying to be fair.