Ex wants me out

[antoinetteh]

Don't want to give to much info as some friends are on here.

We split up last year after his affair texting a girl from work he moved out and rented another place. Not sure if they are still talking he doesn't say much.

We've been together for 11 years and have two DC's I've always had the same job working from my beauty room at home. He now has told me to leave and that he will give me some money to set myself up and he wants his car back.

If I leave I won't have any where to work from and I will struggle to private rent because of COVID and not working.

Whenever he comes round it turns into an argument as he wants to put the house up for sale, not sure what to do as this has been mine and the kids house for years and also my work space as well.

@Bills2pay I was quoting Cherrysoup being wrong, actually 🤣

If you’ve been with him since high school did you not buy the house together ? Have you contributed financially ? Definitely see a solicitor and please for the future don’t ever leave your self this financially vulnerable again . It’s so sad reading these threads on here

Sorry Cocomarine wrong attribution! It is indeed you who gave correct advice.

@Mintychocolate

So you have been paying into bills etc and have nothing to show for it? Hardly fair. Would he have the equity he has without you?

And if op had paid rent, there would be nothing to show for it

@katy1213 what a load of nonsense!
So she should ignore the fact he was sending messages to another girl so she can keep a roof over her head?
Please go to a solicitor as soon as possible I have been in your situation and after giving up my job and him promising me he would never screw me over money wise he did!
I looked after the kids from a young age and supported his career until he was a very high earner, the kids then grew up and suddenly things changed and I was out!
Left with nothing, it doesn’t matter what they promised or even if you have texts of him saying he would support you etc it counts as nothing!
The law should change to support stay at home mums and I also believe if you have children you should be entitled to stay in the house until the kids are 16.
You have been together since school you say? That must be horrible.
Good on you for not staying with a man for a roof over your head!
And I truly hope the law will change at some point as unmarried stay at home mums are people to! And may I add I was a stay at home mum as my partner worked away all week and came home at the weekends
It counts for nothing!

@katy1213

Was it worth it? He texted a girl from work - and I'm not saying it wouldn't piss me off but it hardly counts as an affair - and now you're at risk of losing your home, your business, your children's home. Taking the high moral ground is costing you very dear.

Why are you always so nasty?

And if op had paid rent, there would be nothing to show for it

Most landlords don't expect you to give birth to and care for their kids, sleep with them, and do most of the housework.

If yours does, may I suggest that you are being exploited?

I imagine by “texting a girl from work” op doesn’t mean literally just the fact he sent a text message to her

How old are your DC s OP? That will make a big difference too. He would still have to pay maintenance if they are under 18. Do you have family to support you meanwhile?

@perfectstorm

And if op had paid rent, there would be nothing to show for it

Most landlords don't expect you to give birth to and care for their kids, sleep with them, and do most of the housework.

If yours does, may I suggest that you are being exploited?

I think the previous poster was commenting upon the legal situation. In that paying bills and even paying money that is used for a mortgage, is not legally grounds to claim a beneficial interest. As can be seen by the landlord / tenant relationship.

Neither as a matter of interest, does bearing somebody’s child legally grant you a beneficial interest in their house or mean you can keep their car or help yourself to any other of their assets.

I would hazard a guess that the poster you quoted is not being exploited at all, but rather understands the importance of marriage or at least having their name on assets.

The law should change to support stay at home mums

The law doesn’t have to change though- there’s protection available call marriage or civil partnership. People just need to be educated as to what the law is, not the law to change. You can refuse to have children with someone you aren’t married to or stay at home to care for children unless you are married.

^^
That’s not lack of sympathy for the Op but just replying that specific poster - who I also have sympathy for but just think the laws are already there.

@perfectstorm

And if op had paid rent, there would be nothing to show for it

Most landlords don't expect you to give birth to and care for their kids, sleep with them, and do most of the housework.

If yours does, may I suggest that you are being exploited?

Most landlords don't pay your bills or give you a car either, and do expect you to pay rent.

It's an awful situation, I'm not saying it isn't.

He now has told me to leave and that he will give me some money to set myself up and he wants his car back

Legal advice is the best way forward here. Is he expecting you to take the children with you or is he expecting they will live with him in the house?

How much is he offering? Is it enough to rent somewhere while you look for work? Or deposit for a mortgage?

If the dc will be going with you, how much per month is he going to support you with, remembering he only has to support the children.

So you where with him when he brought the house? Why on earth didn’t you go on the deeds!? I can’t understand this attitude!

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

The law should change to support stay at home mums

The law doesn’t have to change though- there’s protection available call marriage or civil partnership. People just need to be educated as to what the law is, not the law to change. You can refuse to have children with someone you aren’t married to or stay at home to care for children unless you are married.

👏👏👏

Why should live in lovers get automatic rights because some don't educate themselves on how to legally protect themselves and make choices accordingly?

@willibald

I hope I haven’t given the wrong impression. I suspect I very much have from your response about “live in lovers”.

I’m not suggesting that men (or women but it’s commonly men) in the situation of the OP’s ex are morally right. It’s morally abhorrent to leave the mother (or father, but as above) of your children with nothing while you know that they’ve enabled you to get into the financial situation you are in. A parent should always do the right thing by their children in particular, which may mean giving a substantial amount of money that is legally yours to the parent who has (with agreement - not if you always opposed this and were willing to do / pay for your share of childcare) given up their career to care for the kids, or has paid all your bills thinking they will get a share.

Also, morally it’s right to draw your partners attention to the situation at the outset if you think they don’t understand it.

BUT I’m just saying the legal protection is already there and available. Children need to learn this at school in order to protect themselves.

I do also think it’s right that people should have to make an express declaration (such as marriage) that “everything is shared between us now” rather than it just happening by default. Which would also be difficult and expensive for courts to sort out, eg who should and shouldn’t get a share.

There are of course other ways to protect yourself other than marriage - putting money into to your own rental property, being a legal owner of the joint house, putting savings aside for the non working parent as a family - but again people have to be taught that they don’t have default protection.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I don’t disagree with anything you say, but I’d like to add that it’s not just about education and teaching people that they don’t have default rights.

I see threads with this situation on MN so often (I was on Relationships a lot during my divorce). Very rarely have I seen someone say, “OMG - I had no idea common law wife was a thing, surely I have some rights?”
Far more often, I’ve seen women who know they’re fucked (financially). I’ve seen people posting that “he won’t marry me”, two kids down. The angst over having given the child his surname and regretting it - I see those multiple times.

Women know they’re not protected, and they do it anyway. Why?

• it won’t be me that splits
• I trust him to be honourable
• just an overly optimistic nature that things will be OK whatever
• a belief that the state will pick up the pieces
• I didn’t choose it, the pregnancy was accidental (small % though)
• I know all this and I’m not even burying my head, but I want a baby more than I want to protect myself?
• I haven’t got the self esteem to think I can walk away and find a man to start a family with who won’t refuse to protect me

I don’t know. But this isn’t simply a lack of education on the law outside of marriage. There is much more going on in why women make this choice.

I just want to add: no unwise choice from the mother gets a father morally off the hook. I don’t mean that.

But we do need to be responsible for making our own good decisions.

You need a solicitor or some professional advice to make sure you & your dc get their rights
If you have a business presumably you have done your tax so there must some records of your income?
how long have you lived together?& you have 2 dc
Please get a solicitor asap

[quote Crammingitallin]@katy1213 what a load of nonsense!
So she should ignore the fact he was sending messages to another girl so she can keep a roof over her head?
Please go to a solicitor as soon as possible I have been in your situation and after giving up my job and him promising me he would never screw me over money wise he did!
I looked after the kids from a young age and supported his career until he was a very high earner, the kids then grew up and suddenly things changed and I was out!
Left with nothing, it doesn’t matter what they promised or even if you have texts of him saying he would support you etc it counts as nothing!
The law should change to support stay at home mums and I also believe if you have children you should be entitled to stay in the house until the kids are 16.
You have been together since school you say? That must be horrible.
Good on you for not staying with a man for a roof over your head!
And I truly hope the law will change at some point as unmarried stay at home mums are people to! And may I add I was a stay at home mum as my partner worked away all week and came home at the weekends
It counts for nothing![/quote]
Legal protection is available through marriage or civil partnership. The ignorance surrounding the vulnerability of unmarried partners where there is a financial imbalance is astounding.

[quote Crammingitallin]@katy1213 what a load of nonsense!
So she should ignore the fact he was sending messages to another girl so she can keep a roof over her head?
Please go to a solicitor as soon as possible I have been in your situation and after giving up my job and him promising me he would never screw me over money wise he did!
I looked after the kids from a young age and supported his career until he was a very high earner, the kids then grew up and suddenly things changed and I was out!
Left with nothing, it doesn’t matter what they promised or even if you have texts of him saying he would support you etc it counts as nothing!
The law should change to support stay at home mums and I also believe if you have children you should be entitled to stay in the house until the kids are 16.
You have been together since school you say? That must be horrible.
Good on you for not staying with a man for a roof over your head!
And I truly hope the law will change at some point as unmarried stay at home mums are people to! And may I add I was a stay at home mum as my partner worked away all week and came home at the weekends
It counts for nothing![/quote]
Or you could have gotten married before having kids? Even once pregnant, you could have insisted upon a marriage in a registry office to save costs or left him. Least then you wouldn't have paid for stuff and got nothing from it.

The law doesn't need to change, attitudes need to change. People bleat on about how their relationship is stronger than a piece of paper, all the way until he's caught shagging his secretary. Suddenly that piece of paper would have been brilliant, but it's now too late. And they've paid for the mortgage on a house that isn't theirs.

It costs very little to get married. You don't need a big fancy wedding, that's a want. You need the certificate, everything else is a fancy tradition that gets more out of hand as the years go on.

I have sympathy for your situation, but you could have prevented it. And the law doesn't need to change, it would end up with too many fraud cases of people pretending they lived with someone else to get money off them. And how could you prove otherwise? How could op prove she lived there and contributed? She has no paperwork, he handled all the money etc. For all anyone knows, she paid nothing towards the house, so why should she get anything?

The law should change to support stay at home mums and I also believe if you have children you should be entitled to stay in the house until the kids are 16.

Absolutely not and it won't, thankfully. If adults choose to become reliant financially on another person then that is their lookout.

People bleat on about how their relationship is stronger than a piece of paper,

Oh, yeah! A piece of paper. So is a passport, a will, a university degree, a court order, a jury summons, a fixed penalty notice.

It’s interesting to hear different views on what rights (if any) live in partners should have.

In limited circumstances the law has conferred rights upon those who become financially dependant upon others (including live in partners).

Of course no one here can say whether the OP can claim such rights. She must seek urgent legal advice.