To have stopped MIL looking after DS (keeps forcing him on swings)?

[Swoonforpeterbishop]

Changed my name for this as family are on here and even if they guess this is me, I don't want to rest of my posts outed :)

DS is 14 months old. He has never liked the swings in the park, he's not a fan of slides or anything either, he prefers exploring and wandering about.

We've tried him on the swings often to see if it was a phase, but he really gets upset and almost panicky, and wriggles/writhes until we set him down again. We've left him be as we don't want to make a big thing of it.

MIL knows this. She usually looks after DS two mornings a week so I can work. My work has dried up due to Covid so we don't need her to do this workwise anymore, but she asked if she still could as she loves seeing DS, so of course we said yes. (she's in our bubble, as he was under 1 on the 2nd december)

Last week a friend called me and tentatively mentioned she'd seen MIL at the park and MIL was 'forcing' DS on the swing and slide. When I asked what she meant she said she repeatedly kept trying to sit him in the swing even though he was really fighting her and crying, and kept sitting him on the slide (holding on to him) and (gently) pushing him down it, again while he tried to get off. Friend said she told MIL he doesn't like it and MIL said 'he has to get used to it, all children like the park!'. Friend said MIL wasn't being rough with him or anything like that, but kept persisting when he obviously didn't want to and was trying to get off, cling to her so he wouldn't be put on the play stuff, so she wasn't hurting him physically to be clear.

I was really upset by this, it's obviously not the first time and we've tried to not make it a big thing as I don't want him to be scared of the park full stop and I'm pretty sure when he's a bit older he will be more interested in them.

I spoke to MIL about it and she said she does 'try' him on the equipment every time because it's not normal for him not to enjoy anything at the park, and that all the other grandkids love it. FWIW he does like the park but he likes to run about and walk in the castle or touch the random wooden climbing logs/interact with other kids.

I explained to her we had told her not to do that and it doesn't mean he's not normal and she started saying how his behaviour is 'strange' and there's something off about him and we need to force him into situations or he will always run away from things he's scared of. And that there's no reason for him to be scared of park equipment.

She just wouldn't accept we don't want her to keep trying or see that she was upsetting DS. I trust my friend, she was really embarrassed about calling up to tell me, and MIL admitted he gets upset sometimes but gets over it quickly.

Anyway, I'm livid about the whole thing and said he won't be going to her for a while. If she doesn't listen to that, what else won't she listen to? I hate the idea of DS being upset and repeatedly put in situations he doesn't like or upset him and it's so unnecessary - so what if he doesn't like the play park equipment?! It doesn't matter!

DH thinks I'm massively overeacting and has said he will have a word with her and they just won't go to the park anymore, but I want DS to have a break from going to her. He's said he'll support my decision btw, but he does think I'm overreacting.

AIBU to react like this?

@Nohomemadecandles

It's hardly an essential life skill. Why on earth is she dying on that hill? Strange woman.

it's a handy way of testing where peoples loyalties are. to me her behaviour suggests she's fairly confident that (if pushed) her son will side with her over his wife, she's already gotten away with being rude and domineering towards her DIL, she'll be pushing to gain more ground soon

or to put it another way the MIL is pushing boundaries to see what she can get away with....

That's awful, no you are not overreacting. Your DH should be having a word with his mother about respecting your parenting decisions...apart from the fact that your parenting decisions are spot on in this instance!

I have never been able to sit on a swing for more than a few seconds without being sick, he may have a good reason for not liking swings

@ArmchairTraveller you sound brilliant!

Who the bloody hell voted yabu?! No way would I let her have him.

OP, my mum still talks about an incident when she was about 3 years old and a GI was pushing her on a swing. She hated it and wanted to get off. It was 78 years ago.

So no, YANBU.

OP you are absolutely not being U about this. She is not responding to your son's needs at all. He is clinging to her, she should be a place of security and comfort and she is refusing to give it to him. It must be very confusing and distressing for him.

At 14 months, he doesn't need to be forced to try new things, he needs the reassurance and security that his care providers will provide a safe and secure environment so that he can explore and try new experiences when he is comfortable to do so.

Not liking swings and slides at 14 months is not an indication that there is anything "wrong", he just currently enjoys exploring the park in different ways.

I wouldn't necessarily be cutting contact, but wouldn't be using her for childcare or unsupervised contact, OP.

Thank you everyone.

The last time I tried him on a swing I felt SO SO guilty afterwards because he was a little bit scared beforehand but sort of interested but then wouldn’t let go of me and I tried to sit him in but he didn’t go for it and I took him out and cuddled him and told him it was okay, we had a cuddle and he went back in his pram and had a biscuit and was fine. I felt awful for days because I felt like I shouldn’t have tried to seat him and I worried he wouldnt feel safe/ trust me.

It was probably twenty seconds.

So I don’t understand how she can persist when he’s upset like that (as I know that’s how he will be) i don’t understand how she can’t be affected by it!

Thanks for all the posts, I’m sticking to my guns. Of course she can see him but I’ll be there. No way is he going to be taken to the park by her again like that. I don’t want him to be anxious and fearful as he grows up
If I can help it and I think her approach will do just that. I want him to enjoy the park!

And I don’t think it means he’s not normal either, he’s a teeny tot, he’s allowed to be afraid of things and get to them at his own time, or not at all. We are all different and have different likes and dislikes FGS I don’t understand why she’s got such a bee in her bonnet about it

@Freddiefox

Going against the grain here, I think you will get many comments from people who project their own relationships with their mil’s, they are notoriously disliked on here.

Your dh has said he will support you on your choice, but would also like to speak to her so why not go down this route first and see what she says and go from there.

Well I'm a MiL and I think the OP is right and the MiL is very wrong.

Parks are supposed to be fun, swings are clearly not for the OP's DS. So why force it?

And her comment afterwards was horrible.

I can't actually believe she was trying to force a toddler into a swing and on a slide. That's a horrible thing to do

@Wavescrashingonthebeach

I'd be wary of your friend who not only felt the need to interfere with MIL when she was in the park but then to report back to you to cause trouble.

Ehhhh? Wtf?

I'm impressed the friend felt able to go and confront MiL about what she was doing.

Good for her!

@Cherrysoup

Who the bloody hell voted yabu?! No way would I let her have him.

MIL?!

DD is a teen now and still won’t go down a tunnel slide! Not everyone likes rides. Your MIL is very wrong.

But more worrying is the nasty comments about him being ‘strange’ and thinking she knows best and not doing as you asked. Her being willing to repeatedly upset him when you’ve asked her not to.

No way in hell would I leave my child alone with someone who thought any of that was ok.

That is shocking he’ll end up terrified of mil as well as swings.

shes already been told not to do it but done it anyway

why does your dh think its an overraction-does he think your ds should be scared everytime he goes to the park

God, he's so young! Probably too young to be forced into playing on swings and slides... I'm sure he'll come around later, my nephew was the same, but not a big deal if he doesn't!

@DismantleMe

That would be the end of unsupervised contact for me. The fact your friend not only approached your MIL at the time, to then feel the need to raise it with you afterwards indicates what she saw must have made her really uncomfortable.

It takes a lot for people to actually speak to someone they know when they see bad behaviour. So, OP, for your friend to actually speak to MIL at the time, and to follow up by speaking to you strongly suggests that your son must have been in considerable distress.

And MIL isn't thinking this through. The more she's forcing him, the more he'll associate her with that distress, and it won't be long before he becomes afraid of her.

And I agree with those suggesting MIL is trying to assert herself as the "better mum". I bet she was looking forward to coming to you and saying "well, I managed to get him to enjoy the swings".

Not whether I'd advise cutting childcare with MIL or just a very strong word/warning... but wanted to say my DD was exactly the same at the park, hated the swings, just likes running around. I would find it annoying when I met other mums (pre-COVID) as they were happily chatting pushing babies in swings whilst I didn't even get to say hello because I was just chasing DD around. To be honest I didn't really enjoy the park...! She did like the slide but she would not be told/suggested what to do next at the park - she was on her own agenda!
Annoyingly we have a swing set in the garden we got when she was 12 months and she has NEVER been on it apart from a couple of attempts, and now it's too small... she's now 2.5 and started getting interested in swings and using the park 'normally'. I wouldn't expect a 14 month old to use the park in the same way as a 3-4 year old. There's nothing strange about him. I'm sure you know that, but just to reassure you.

MIL probably finds it annoying that she would just have to follow him around, watching every move at 14 months it's exhausting. But totally not a reason to force him on anything! Just take him for a pram walk or don't go to the park if she doesn't enjoy supervising what he likes to do there.

She's purposely upsetting and scaring him to force him into accepting something he doesn't like just because he doesn't fit into her box of what a child should be

This with bells on, particularly added to her 'something off' comment about DS. Good for you for protecting him OP, not that you should need to from his GP but there it is.

"his behaviour is 'strange' and there's something off about him"

He's not acting like a boy should in your MIL's eyes. Slugs, snails and puppy dog tails. Being rough and tough, brave and daring.

And this is the reason we have such a toxic masculinity problem, not just in the UK but worldwide.

Would she be forcing a little girl to do something she was afraid of or would she accept it was scary for her?

Little boys need to be able to show fear, cry, hug and be gentle without criticism or things will never improve for either sex.

OP,
Definitely stick to your guns.

What I find so weird about stories like these is how easily your MIL pronounces your child strange or not normal.

Who do they think they are and who do they think they are speaking about.

I would be so offended at a family member randomly saying my child is strange.

So unbelievably rude.

Forcing something on a small child, causing him to be so upset for something so ridiculous is batshit.

I would have a huge loss of trust in her.
She is quite prepared to repeatedly do something that the child doesn't like because she thinks SHE knows better.

I'm glad your husband supports you.

I would be so upset that your very small child was very upset and you weren't there, so unnecessary.

He could well have a real turn off the park because of her.

Well done to your friend.

Your MIL really needs to cop herself on but when children don't yet have language you need to be very careful who looks after them.

She has broken your trust.

And MIL isn't thinking this through. The more she's forcing him, the more he'll associate her with that distress, and it won't be long before he becomes afraid of her
she's not too bothered about being liked she's more interested in being obeyed and fear is a useful mechanism to bring about that end

I would not let her have mine again, to be honest. You have already discussed this with her and she has completely disregarded your views. She ignored your friend trying to explain to her as well. And yes, I can well imagine there would be a ‘I managed to get him the swings’ type comment if he hadn’t been distressed.
I couldn’t get past the ‘not normal’ comments. You need to make it very clear to your DH that she has upset you as well as being appalling towards your little one.

YANBU. The next thing will be her force-feeding him food he doesn't like because "he'll have to learn to eat what he's given". And heaven forfend he develops an allergy-she won't believe it. "He's just being fussy".