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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have stopped MIL looking after DS (keeps forcing him on swings)?

149 replies

Swoonforpeterbishop · 17/03/2021 14:00

Changed my name for this as family are on here and even if they guess this is me, I don't want to rest of my posts outed :)

DS is 14 months old. He has never liked the swings in the park, he's not a fan of slides or anything either, he prefers exploring and wandering about.

We've tried him on the swings often to see if it was a phase, but he really gets upset and almost panicky, and wriggles/writhes until we set him down again. We've left him be as we don't want to make a big thing of it.

MIL knows this. She usually looks after DS two mornings a week so I can work. My work has dried up due to Covid so we don't need her to do this workwise anymore, but she asked if she still could as she loves seeing DS, so of course we said yes. (she's in our bubble, as he was under 1 on the 2nd december)

Last week a friend called me and tentatively mentioned she'd seen MIL at the park and MIL was 'forcing' DS on the swing and slide. When I asked what she meant she said she repeatedly kept trying to sit him in the swing even though he was really fighting her and crying, and kept sitting him on the slide (holding on to him) and (gently) pushing him down it, again while he tried to get off. Friend said she told MIL he doesn't like it and MIL said 'he has to get used to it, all children like the park!'. Friend said MIL wasn't being rough with him or anything like that, but kept persisting when he obviously didn't want to and was trying to get off, cling to her so he wouldn't be put on the play stuff, so she wasn't hurting him physically to be clear.

I was really upset by this, it's obviously not the first time and we've tried to not make it a big thing as I don't want him to be scared of the park full stop and I'm pretty sure when he's a bit older he will be more interested in them.

I spoke to MIL about it and she said she does 'try' him on the equipment every time because it's not normal for him not to enjoy anything at the park, and that all the other grandkids love it. FWIW he does like the park but he likes to run about and walk in the castle or touch the random wooden climbing logs/interact with other kids.

I explained to her we had told her not to do that and it doesn't mean he's not normal and she started saying how his behaviour is 'strange' and there's something off about him and we need to force him into situations or he will always run away from things he's scared of. And that there's no reason for him to be scared of park equipment.

She just wouldn't accept we don't want her to keep trying or see that she was upsetting DS. I trust my friend, she was really embarrassed about calling up to tell me, and MIL admitted he gets upset sometimes but gets over it quickly.

Anyway, I'm livid about the whole thing and said he won't be going to her for a while. If she doesn't listen to that, what else won't she listen to? I hate the idea of DS being upset and repeatedly put in situations he doesn't like or upset him and it's so unnecessary - so what if he doesn't like the play park equipment?! It doesn't matter!

DH thinks I'm massively overeacting and has said he will have a word with her and they just won't go to the park anymore, but I want DS to have a break from going to her. He's said he'll support my decision btw, but he does think I'm overreacting.

AIBU to react like this?

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 17/03/2021 14:33

I most certainly wouldn't be allowing her to have him unsupervised if I were you.

Poor little mite, it's horrible to be forced to do things you find scary or that make you uncomfortable.

As a child, many years ago, I never liked swings and slides and used to watch in amazement, and slight horror, as my sister flew every higher on swings.

There's nothing abnormal or strange about me, I think, but I do have a fear of heights and have never liked fairground rides either.

Your little boy might get to love playground equipment, or he might not, it really doesn't matter. Forcing him on it though will possibly make him frightened of it, and of the person doing the forcing, I imagine.

And no you're not overreacting.

Freddiefox · 17/03/2021 14:34

Going against the grain here, I think you will get many comments from people who project their own relationships with their mil’s, they are notoriously disliked on here.

Your dh has said he will support you on your choice, but would also like to speak to her so why not go down this route first and see what she says and go from there.

BocolateChiscuits · 17/03/2021 14:34

I understand why you feel a bit upset about this, but I don't think I'd stop MIL from looking after DS in your situation, if DH is happy to have a word with her.

My 2yr DD hates swings, and although I always offer "do you want a go?", I never ever press the issue when she says no. So I'm with you. But despite hating swings DD loves slides with a passion. And after the first lockdown, when the parks finally re-opened she was scared of them. It took a little while before she learn to love them again, and we did have to encourage and push a little to get her to try them. She's now back to loving them, and she's fearless with them - haven't found a slide tall enough to scare her yet. Maybe MIL was trying something similar.

Your MIL was being rude with her comments, but maybe she was feeling a bit guilty and defensive? But also, maybe there is a grain of truth in there. Not in any medical-problem sense, but in the sense that I think lockdown has been impacted kiddie's development. I've noticed that my 2 year old is a bit odd compared to my 4 year old was at the same age - and I've put it down to lockdown. With my 4 year old we were forever out and about, visiting this person and that, going to various attractions and outings. With my 2 year old, well, boring walks, same old playgrounds, and if she's lucky the supermarket or the corner-shop. Of course it'd affect her. I'm just hoping we can make up for lost time soon enough.

Holly60 · 17/03/2021 14:35

As a mother, you want to know that if you are trusting someone to look after your child, they will respect your wishes and do things how you do them. I am a MIL, a DM and a DGM and I always look after the DGC in the way their parents want. I am so so careful to do this because I know it is both a privilege and a big responsibility. Sometimes it is easier to know what my own DD would do in a situation because I brought her up, but if I’m not sure what my DDIL would do, I ask her- which I know she appreciates.

JustDespair · 17/03/2021 14:35

@Freddiefox

Going against the grain here, I think you will get many comments from people who project their own relationships with their mil’s, they are notoriously disliked on here.

Your dh has said he will support you on your choice, but would also like to speak to her so why not go down this route first and see what she says and go from there.

Because when she was spoken to she called her grandson strange and off. She had her chance to apologise and agree she was being a cruel bitch, but doubled down.
Pbbananabagel · 17/03/2021 14:36

He’s perfectly happy justroaming about but he requires more supervision that he would contained and if I’m honest I think this is part of the problem for MIL.

  • my son is just like this and I completely agree, it does take more supervision and energy, some days he’s just not interested in the equipment and some days he loves it, but he’s nearly 20 months now and it’s taken regular trips and time to get used to it.
There is nothing ‘not normal’ about your child whatsoever.
Horehound · 17/03/2021 14:38

He's 14m old. So young. Poor we toot. Yanbu!!

FangsForTheMemory · 17/03/2021 14:40

He’s probably frightened of heights or feeling dizzy. I was the same at that age. Your MIL is awful. This is a control thing for her. No way will your DS learn to like stuff like this if she forces him!

CaraherEIL · 17/03/2021 14:42

I think your DH is being defensive because it is his mother, but I would stop letting her do childcare for a while because she is exhibiting behaviour which is actively distressing your child by doing something you have clearly asked her not to do. My MIL is exactly the same, I don’t understand why they can’t be sensitive to their grandchild and try and make the time they have with them the best and most fun it can be.Your son’s individual likes and dislikes are what makes him who he is. Why is she not just interested in getting to know him rather than taking it upon herself to overrule you and distress him in the hope that she will be triumphantly able to announce that she has sorted out your child’s problem with going to the park. Her behaviour is all about her and not to do with your child’s wellbeing or happiness, That means she doesn’t get a chance to be in sole charge of him until she can put his needs first.

Franacropan1 · 17/03/2021 14:42

Goodness knows her views on learning to swim. Let’s hope she doesn't think it's fine to just chuck kids in a pool and learn the hard way. You've asked her to stop forcing your child onto play equipment, she hasn't, and so she's broken your trust. What's next, back to the old days of washing mouths out with soap, tipping plates of uneaten food over heads.
Sadly you'll lose a babysitter but supervised visits only I think unless she can gain your trust.

Freddiefox · 17/03/2021 14:44

Because when she was spoken to she called her grandson strange and off. She had her chance to apologise and agree she was being a cruel bitch, but doubled down.

I think it’s worth the effort of ops dh speaking to her, obviously mil should listen, and only op will know what sort of character mil is. She might be an absolutely awful person or she might be a nice women whose misjudged it.

IMHO family relationships are important so I would get my dh to speak to her before I stopped my child see her.

ArmchairTraveller · 17/03/2021 14:47

@Holly60

As a mother, you want to know that if you are trusting someone to look after your child, they will respect your wishes and do things how you do them. I am a MIL, a DM and a DGM and I always look after the DGC in the way their parents want. I am so so careful to do this because I know it is both a privilege and a big responsibility. Sometimes it is easier to know what my own DD would do in a situation because I brought her up, but if I’m not sure what my DDIL would do, I ask her- which I know she appreciates.
Perfect answer.
Knitterbabe · 17/03/2021 14:47

@BeeOncey

Let MIL have him and take him to the park.

Take a morning off work and go to the park discreetly. Watch and wait.

When she starts forcing your DS to do things he doesn't want to, march over to them, snatch up your child, tell your MIL why in no uncertain terms. This will humiliate your MIL (what she might need) and show DS that you are there for him.

Great! Who would really do this? Humiliate your MIL, super idea. And I doubt your DC would interpret it as you ‘being there for him’, just more upset.
LadyDanburysHat · 17/03/2021 14:48

YANBU, he is still so young. He might learn to like them later. You are not over reacting. You can't trust her, because she is not agreeing to not do it again. She is arguing back with you about why she is right.

JustDespair · 17/03/2021 14:48

@Freddiefox

Because when she was spoken to she called her grandson strange and off. She had her chance to apologise and agree she was being a cruel bitch, but doubled down.

I think it’s worth the effort of ops dh speaking to her, obviously mil should listen, and only op will know what sort of character mil is. She might be an absolutely awful person or she might be a nice women whose misjudged it.

IMHO family relationships are important so I would get my dh to speak to her before I stopped my child see her.

And let's say she does get it when her darling son speaks to her. What does that tell us? That she has no respect for the OP, the mother of the child. That opens up another can of worms.

I wouldn't allow someone who has no respect for me look after my child, would you?

domesticslattern · 17/03/2021 14:50

It's not about the swings and slides.
It is about a woman repeatedly forcing a very small child to do things which upset him and then saying he is "not normal" when confronted by his distress and that of his mother. She sounds completely out of sync with his needs. Sad

WombatStewForTea · 17/03/2021 14:52

Yanbu
Does she have a fear of spiders? Explain it to her that if she did and you kept forcing her to hold a tarantula she isn't going to suddenly stop being afraid of it and start loving spiders.

Everythingiswonderful · 17/03/2021 14:53

@Freddiefox

Going against the grain here, I think you will get many comments from people who project their own relationships with their mil’s, they are notoriously disliked on here.

Your dh has said he will support you on your choice, but would also like to speak to her so why not go down this route first and see what she says and go from there.

My relationship with late MIL was a perfectly happy one but I still think forcing a screaming child, one that is clinging to you in fear, onto a slide or swing is disgusting.

Op has already said She just wouldn't accept we don't want her to keep trying or see that she was upsetting DS so why should op hand DS over to be filled with terror twice a week?

PlanetPuddle · 17/03/2021 14:56

@JustDespair I agree with you. If MIL won't listen to OP but does to her son that doesn't really make things any better in my opinion!

Hoppinggreen · 17/03/2021 15:01

My son hated swings from the age of around 1 to 10
Didn’t cause him any issues or made him scared of anything else
Mil sounds a bit nuts

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/03/2021 15:02

@Freddiefox

Going against the grain here, I think you will get many comments from people who project their own relationships with their mil’s, they are notoriously disliked on here.

Your dh has said he will support you on your choice, but would also like to speak to her so why not go down this route first and see what she says and go from there.

Agreed. People on MN tend to come here for support because their relationships with their families and in-laws aren’t great (me included!). Definitely don’t follow their advice if you want to keep your family relationships intact or you’ll end up the same way.

I would just let your DH handle it. You said he supports you so he can be trusted to speak up to his mum. You should give her a chance to improve because it seems like she loves your son very much.

RowanAlong · 17/03/2021 15:02

No you’re not unreasonable - not all children are the same! Sounds like he still enjoys the park anyway, doing different things.

It used to get my back up when my Mum took my child to the beach (which ‘all children love’, right?) and he was terrified of the waves and wouldn’t go near the water. All the other cousins were happily splashing and paddling, but he just wanted to draw with a stick for hours. He was very happy doing this, but Mum was convinced there was something wrong with him and lost her patience. Almost like she was embarrassed.

Stick to your guns and let your child follow his own interests!

MiriamMargo · 17/03/2021 15:04

For goodness sake calm down everyone, yes she's out of order, and needs to be told, but dont think she is being intentionally cruel, just being thoughtless, she need to be told, not to do it again, and know you mean it.

Whoknows77886 · 17/03/2021 15:04

@BeeOncey I would definitely do this! Catch her in The act!
OP, your MIL's behaviour is very odd. Who in their right mind forces a small child to do something to the point of the child becoming upset. She sounds really odd! She will make him fearful. You are definitely not being unreasonable!!

loveyouradvice · 17/03/2021 15:04

You are being strong for you son....

Like others, I'd be worried that her attitude would permeate other things she would do with your son and how she would treat him...

HE IS ONLY 14 MONTHS!!!!!!!!

She seems to have forgotten this... as well as clearly not subscribing to the idea that you support your grandchildren in what they want to do....

Good luck OP... not easy for you, especially as your OH is not fully understanding the implications... at least not yet!

You will get there - you sound clear, loving and strong