To have stopped MIL looking after DS (keeps forcing him on swings)?

[Swoonforpeterbishop]

Changed my name for this as family are on here and even if they guess this is me, I don't want to rest of my posts outed :)

DS is 14 months old. He has never liked the swings in the park, he's not a fan of slides or anything either, he prefers exploring and wandering about.

We've tried him on the swings often to see if it was a phase, but he really gets upset and almost panicky, and wriggles/writhes until we set him down again. We've left him be as we don't want to make a big thing of it.

MIL knows this. She usually looks after DS two mornings a week so I can work. My work has dried up due to Covid so we don't need her to do this workwise anymore, but she asked if she still could as she loves seeing DS, so of course we said yes. (she's in our bubble, as he was under 1 on the 2nd december)

Last week a friend called me and tentatively mentioned she'd seen MIL at the park and MIL was 'forcing' DS on the swing and slide. When I asked what she meant she said she repeatedly kept trying to sit him in the swing even though he was really fighting her and crying, and kept sitting him on the slide (holding on to him) and (gently) pushing him down it, again while he tried to get off. Friend said she told MIL he doesn't like it and MIL said 'he has to get used to it, all children like the park!'. Friend said MIL wasn't being rough with him or anything like that, but kept persisting when he obviously didn't want to and was trying to get off, cling to her so he wouldn't be put on the play stuff, so she wasn't hurting him physically to be clear.

I was really upset by this, it's obviously not the first time and we've tried to not make it a big thing as I don't want him to be scared of the park full stop and I'm pretty sure when he's a bit older he will be more interested in them.

I spoke to MIL about it and she said she does 'try' him on the equipment every time because it's not normal for him not to enjoy anything at the park, and that all the other grandkids love it. FWIW he does like the park but he likes to run about and walk in the castle or touch the random wooden climbing logs/interact with other kids.

I explained to her we had told her not to do that and it doesn't mean he's not normal and she started saying how his behaviour is 'strange' and there's something off about him and we need to force him into situations or he will always run away from things he's scared of. And that there's no reason for him to be scared of park equipment.

She just wouldn't accept we don't want her to keep trying or see that she was upsetting DS. I trust my friend, she was really embarrassed about calling up to tell me, and MIL admitted he gets upset sometimes but gets over it quickly.

Anyway, I'm livid about the whole thing and said he won't be going to her for a while. If she doesn't listen to that, what else won't she listen to? I hate the idea of DS being upset and repeatedly put in situations he doesn't like or upset him and it's so unnecessary - so what if he doesn't like the play park equipment?! It doesn't matter!

DH thinks I'm massively overeacting and has said he will have a word with her and they just won't go to the park anymore, but I want DS to have a break from going to her. He's said he'll support my decision btw, but he does think I'm overreacting.

AIBU to react like this?

@otterbaby

"his behaviour is 'strange' and there's something off about him"

Wow, this says it all. Definitely not overreacting.

Agree, this is such a shitty thing to say about a kid she presumably loves. Horrible.

It's so weird how as adults we seem surprised not all kids like some stuff. I'm sure there are foods / feelings / smells / movements that she doesn't like. And even if he would have liked the swings and slides eventually shes royally fucked up the chances of him liking them now by forcing him!

She sounds like a dick tbh. You're right to be upset about this.

Most of all that while being defensive she said those shitty things about him being 'off'. He's a one year old ffs!

He's only 14mths, still a baby! My dd couldn't even walk then, and was quite a lot older than 14 mths in the photo I have of 'her first time on a swing!'. You are absolutely right to react as you have done. I would have thought swings and slides are quite scary things to most 14 mth olds - he's much more likely to enjoy them once he's a bit older. And even if he doesn't, so what? My dd was always scared of other children joining her on the play equipment, and while I tried to encourage her to stay, I would never have forced her beyond her comfort zone.

I'd be wary of your friend who not only felt the need to interfere with MIL when she was in the park but then to report back to you to cause trouble

Ah yes. Keep silent about seeing your friends child being forced to do things they don't want. Mustn't cause trouble.

What the flying fuck?

Not an appropriate care giver.

Anyone who ignored my child's anxiety and manhandled them without a good reason would not be welcome to have them alone.

MIL thinks she outranks you and is trying to assert her dominance
(Force her on the swing and see how she likes it!)

she sounds like a domineering person.
probably cannot see how cruel and illogical her behaviour is.
however, that's her problem. not yours, and certainly not your infant son's.
she may well have done similar things to your husband, and he may not be fully aware of them. but it will have affected him.
and one way of trying to cope with trauma is to minimise it.
this may all be unconscious, but deep in him.
so he says you are making a big deal of it.
don't blame him.
but keep your child away from MIL.
and thank your friend. we all need to stand up for children and vulnerable people.

Your DS is such a little tiny, it is outrageous to be forcing him into situations that scare him, when he’s meant to be feeling protected and loved.

I couldn’t let someone look after my baby or child who had no respect for them.

She is also disrespecting you and your parenting choices. Thank goodness for your friend. I’m sure it was awkward, but it’s great that she said something both to you and to your MIL

Not in a million years would I force my darling gds on to something they hated, particularly if their parents had said not to! I cannot understand your mil and if it was me I would not be leaving my child with her any time soon!

Your husband should be supporting you on this issue too. Stick to your guns, it’s her that is strange.

"DH thinks I'm massively overeacting and has said he will have a word with her and they just won't go to the park anymore,"

Poor misguided fool!

As a parent of a child with autism - who is terrified of certain things especially when he was young but still as a teen cant tolerate some things - which I now realise is because he hates unpredictability and his sensory experience of the world is different - even if she is right and he is 'different' whats she's doing isnt going to 'cure' him of his fear. In fact its going to make him never trust her. Forcing my son to do stuff he hates is never going to make him less autistic or change his brain wiring.

A person in my life recently made my daughter cry by teasing het that her favourite doll would get broken. DD burst into tears - she's 6, not that it matters, she's had this doll all her life and is her comfort. She proceeded to tell me there's something severely wrong with DD to be upset and I need to sort her out.

She's not welcome around my children again. She is a blood relative.
Trust your gut op, you're his mum x

what she's doing is trying to get control over your toddler, ignoring his distress and physically forcing him to obey her, she's training him that granny is THE BOSS and you will be forced to submit to her.
She's being strategic and getting in early while he's not old enough to process anything or complain to his parents, she wants to make sure that she gets him under HER control right from the get go.
Also if that's what she does in the park, a public place, what would she be like when no one is watching?

The comments about your child as well. If that's how she feels, she can get out of the way and everyone who sees your child as precious and unique can get on with it. She can do her on her own.

Any fool knows it's more fun to take a child to the park when they'll sit in a swing. She just doesn't want to trail after him because it's boring, then she makes derogatory comments when challenged.

Anyone who deliberately and repeatedly made my baby cry would never be allowed access again whoever they are.

And dont get me started on the 'normal' comments.

Your DH can't see that's wrong? This is a tiny baby in distress. If she is prepared to make him cry over this what else will she do because it's 'good for him'.

Banning her from the playground won't help. It'll be something else. Besides you've already told her no and she's over ruled you. She knows best...

I fear your biggest problem will be convincing your DH that his mums attitude is worrying.

Well it’s ridiculous that she feels this is something your child MUST do, to enjoy the slide and swings, but if he doesn’t YET, there is no need to force him - it’s not even as if this activity is linked to a developmental milestone. You can introduce a child to new experiences and they will enjoy them if and when they are ready.
You and other posters are right, he’s just not ready and forcing him will stop him wanting to join in and enjoy the park when he eventually is i.e. when he feels more confident.
It would make me wary of what other aspects she decides are crucial to your child’s benefit, health, or development which are either unimportant or contrary to your decisions.
You need to keep your DH onside, don’t let it become between you, and encourage him to back you up with his DM as it’s very upsetting to think she treats your DS like this. It is also worrying if she thinks he is “strange”, etc. as per her comments to you.
On the other hand, perhaps you can give her the benefit of the doubt if you think this is an isolated thing and MIL is doing this without much considered thought - she might need a bit of reinforcement. - take your DS to the park and invite your MIL. Then you’re not cutting off contact, just setting boundaries and demonstrating that your DS is capable of enjoying the park in his own way at present. There’s plenty of time for him to get used to it and eventually explore, he is only 14 months old!

she started saying how his behaviour is 'strange' and there's something off about him and we need to force him into situations or he will always run away from things he's scared of
I think you need to get in control of this woman now, take her to the park and force her down the slide😈
I dont know how you kept your temper I'd send her off with a flea in her ear!

Your post made me feel visceral rage when I thought about someone doing that to my baby DS. YANBU to keep him safe, away from your MIL,

No way would I allow unsupervised access to your DS. How cruel of your MIL to make your DS do something he doesn't enjoy. Why does it matter to your MIL that your DS conforms to what she wants him to enjoy, it's a swing for goodness sake. Your DS can't speak up so you must for him.

And as for your DH he needs to give his head a wobble and realise that no family member should force your child to do something they don't want. Apart from basics such as brushing teeth and holding hands crossing a road.

My daughter hated the swing for a long time and only started to enjoy it when she was about 5/6 yrs and then only very gently. Now she can swing herself she is a lot braver and loves them. There’s no point forcing these things. Mil needs to stop being ridiculous and chill or she’s going to miss out in enjoying her time with her grandson.

It's hardly an essential life skill. Why on earth is she dying on that hill? Strange woman.

I would* be picking out some stereotypical middle aged/older lady thing your MIL doesn’t care for - cross stitch or battenburg cake or something - and foist loads of it into her whenever you see her, standing over her until she eats/opens it. If she refuses you know exactly how to point out how ‘strange’ she is and how she can’t expect to run away from things forever

*obviously I wouldn’t, except maybe once to make a point

As a mum whose son was so emotionally traumatised by fil”s method of hair washing (jug of water over head) that it took years for him not to scream the house down and was told, “you’re being soft, he needs to toughen up.” He wasn’t quite two. You aren’t being unreasonable at all.

I absolutely don't think you're being petty OP. For various reasons I don't leave DD with MIL; I'm her mother, it's my call to make as to who she's safe with. I don't stop MIL spending time with DD - it's just not not unsupervised time.

As an aside, if my friend rang me to report an incident that she'd witnessed I'd certainly be grateful, and not suspicious of their intentions as PPs have suggested.

I also think your DH is being a bit naive about your MIL simply not taking DGC to the park anymore if he asks nicely.

Her comments about your child being strange are indefensible.

She's sounds pushy and insensitive to your dc needs, not someone you want in charge of them.
I wouldn't cut contact but I wouldn't leave dc alone with her because she can't be trusted to listen to what you say. She will do exactly what she wants as she has already proven.
Also her comments about him are horrible and need to be addressed.
Yanbu

Good that your DH is backing you up, although reluctantly. I'd let him know how much you appreciate that, and put it to him that you are trying to preserve a good relationship between your DS and his DM. What a pity it would be if your LO became afraid of her, started refusing to be left with her, etc.
It may possibly turn out that there's some good reason for his reluctance; how gutted would he and his DM feel if they had ridden over this roughshod? Alternatively, he could simply be being his own person - and why not?