To have stopped MIL looking after DS (keeps forcing him on swings)?

[Swoonforpeterbishop]

Changed my name for this as family are on here and even if they guess this is me, I don't want to rest of my posts outed :)

DS is 14 months old. He has never liked the swings in the park, he's not a fan of slides or anything either, he prefers exploring and wandering about.

We've tried him on the swings often to see if it was a phase, but he really gets upset and almost panicky, and wriggles/writhes until we set him down again. We've left him be as we don't want to make a big thing of it.

MIL knows this. She usually looks after DS two mornings a week so I can work. My work has dried up due to Covid so we don't need her to do this workwise anymore, but she asked if she still could as she loves seeing DS, so of course we said yes. (she's in our bubble, as he was under 1 on the 2nd december)

Last week a friend called me and tentatively mentioned she'd seen MIL at the park and MIL was 'forcing' DS on the swing and slide. When I asked what she meant she said she repeatedly kept trying to sit him in the swing even though he was really fighting her and crying, and kept sitting him on the slide (holding on to him) and (gently) pushing him down it, again while he tried to get off. Friend said she told MIL he doesn't like it and MIL said 'he has to get used to it, all children like the park!'. Friend said MIL wasn't being rough with him or anything like that, but kept persisting when he obviously didn't want to and was trying to get off, cling to her so he wouldn't be put on the play stuff, so she wasn't hurting him physically to be clear.

I was really upset by this, it's obviously not the first time and we've tried to not make it a big thing as I don't want him to be scared of the park full stop and I'm pretty sure when he's a bit older he will be more interested in them.

I spoke to MIL about it and she said she does 'try' him on the equipment every time because it's not normal for him not to enjoy anything at the park, and that all the other grandkids love it. FWIW he does like the park but he likes to run about and walk in the castle or touch the random wooden climbing logs/interact with other kids.

I explained to her we had told her not to do that and it doesn't mean he's not normal and she started saying how his behaviour is 'strange' and there's something off about him and we need to force him into situations or he will always run away from things he's scared of. And that there's no reason for him to be scared of park equipment.

She just wouldn't accept we don't want her to keep trying or see that she was upsetting DS. I trust my friend, she was really embarrassed about calling up to tell me, and MIL admitted he gets upset sometimes but gets over it quickly.

Anyway, I'm livid about the whole thing and said he won't be going to her for a while. If she doesn't listen to that, what else won't she listen to? I hate the idea of DS being upset and repeatedly put in situations he doesn't like or upset him and it's so unnecessary - so what if he doesn't like the play park equipment?! It doesn't matter!

DH thinks I'm massively overeacting and has said he will have a word with her and they just won't go to the park anymore, but I want DS to have a break from going to her. He's said he'll support my decision btw, but he does think I'm overreacting.

AIBU to react like this?

@Freddiefox

Going against the grain here, I think you will get many comments from people who project their own relationships with their mil’s, they are notoriously disliked on here.

Your dh has said he will support you on your choice, but would also like to speak to her so why not go down this route first and see what she says and go from there.

She has been told already yet still defied the parents wishes and forced the child onto a swing. How many times does this woman need to be told not to do it? And when confronted she does her best to deflect from her own badness by making out that there is something wrong with the child. She doesn't deserve the chance to be told again.

My lo is 19 months old and still doesn't 'play' properly - he loves climbing, but actually going down the the slide is 50/50, he's never really liked the swings since he was tiny 6-9 months, he would prefer to turn the pedals of the bikes on the roundabout than sit on it, he would rather push us on something than go on it and be loves wandering about, running up and down the small hill and playing in the bushes. He also likes pretending to be In a 'shop' in the climbing areas. Your mil would hate him.

You do need to discuss this with her - it must be stressing them both out so much.

I usually defend MILs on MN because I think they get a harsh time but I actually think this MIL is wrong...I have a grandchild, similar age and I couldn’t ever imagine forcing her to do something that she is clearly scared of !

Have you considered the possibility that he's not a fan because MIL keeps on persisting?

None of my kids enjoyed baby bouncers but they enjoyed swings etc when they were older. Even if he never likes them- do ducking what? I'd be really angry. It's not like the swings are something non-negotiable like teeth brushing.

[quote Whoknows77886]@BeeOncey I would definitely do this! Catch her in The act!
OP, your MIL's behaviour is very odd. Who in their right mind forces a small child to do something to the point of the child becoming upset. She sounds really odd! She will make him fearful. You are definitely not being unreasonable!![/quote]
I did exactly this with DS who is now 15 mths. He didn’t want to go on the swing so I made him. He was upset the first two times but only until he sat down. Once I started swinging he loved it.

I also did the same when putting him on the slide. He hated it. But after 2-3 times he now loves it. Some kids need a nudge now and again. And as a caregiver who takes baby twice a week surely the mil can decide whether it’s appropriate or not without OP deciding her son is being abused.

If you don’t trust your mil to have responsibility for your child then don’t use her for childcare. Simple.

It's not even about the swings in my opinion. You've asked her not to and she's not listening or accepting the boundary that is you being the mother and setting the rules.

Next time she'll steam roll across something completely different, because she doesn't accept your authority as a mother.

I've seen plenty of stories here of MILs exposing kids to the things they're allergic to because they knew best and didn't believe that it was a real allergy - same kind of attitude from your MIL here!

How daft.

I have a friend who sounds a bit like you MIL though? DS really hated Legoland and CHessington as a primary school kid.

My friend suggested that we liaise directly with the parks so he could go int before everyone else and get used to it - she saw it as a major issue that needed resolving.

He's 6 foot tall now. Still hates roller coasters. Not a problem.

@GrumpyHoonMain we’ve tried him on it repeatedly, he gets panicked before he’s even on the seat now and immediately tries to get out or stiffens his legs so you can’t put him in. He’s tried to get out so emphatically before he’s almost flipped the swing.
I don’t see the point in pushing him, he’s clearly not going to start loving it when we’ve given it a good go, he will get to it in his own time or not. I don’t trust her to abide by my wishes currently, so I have stopped the babysitting. It is simple, you’re right.

I think MIL just expects him to be exactly like his cousins and he’s not. For a start, he’s a child of lockdown - he’s not had much freedom, he’s not used to new experiences really as we’ve only been able to go to the same places over and over.

He’s only been walking for about a month and a bit so roaming around is a novelty for him, I’m not surprised he prefers it.

I’m not going to cut MIL out or anything but I’m not happy with her approach and therefore don’t want to leave her with DS.

Her behavior is strange. There's something wrong with her.

[quote Swoonforpeterbishop]@GrumpyHoonMain we’ve tried him on it repeatedly, he gets panicked before he’s even on the seat now and immediately tries to get out or stiffens his legs so you can’t put him in. He’s tried to get out so emphatically before he’s almost flipped the swing.
I don’t see the point in pushing him, he’s clearly not going to start loving it when we’ve given it a good go, he will get to it in his own time or not. I don’t trust her to abide by my wishes currently, so I have stopped the babysitting. It is simple, you’re right.

I think MIL just expects him to be exactly like his cousins and he’s not. For a start, he’s a child of lockdown - he’s not had much freedom, he’s not used to new experiences really as we’ve only been able to go to the same places over and over.

He’s only been walking for about a month and a bit so roaming around is a novelty for him, I’m not surprised he prefers it.

I’m not going to cut MIL out or anything but I’m not happy with her approach and therefore don’t want to leave her with DS.[/quote]
Fair enough so you don’t trust her. Be honest about it to her and your DH. I also think from your posts that there may be a back story and you might never trust her completely - which is fine again. But you need to tell both of them the truth.

Because right now the way you’ve left things makes you sound petty and makes the problem about a minor issue when it’s really a bigger one.

@GrumpyHoonMain

The MIL knows he doesn't like it. She's been told. She's still forcing him. That's enough reason to not trust her. Why are you trying to make out that the OP is unreasonable when she so clearly isn't?

Also, forcing a child to do something that sends them into a state like the OP has explained isn't a minor thing. It's frankly disgusting.

@tigertubbie

Her behavior is strange. There's something wrong with her.

This.

Also you don't need to use lockdown as an excuse for him not liking things. Your son is an individual so has his own likes and dislikes. He's been introduced to swings and slides, and decided he doesn't like them.

@CaraherEIL

I think your DH is being defensive because it is his mother, but I would stop letting her do childcare for a while because she is exhibiting behaviour which is actively distressing your child by doing something you have clearly asked her not to do. My MIL is exactly the same, I don’t understand why they can’t be sensitive to their grandchild and try and make the time they have with them the best and most fun it can be.Your son’s individual likes and dislikes are what makes him who he is. Why is she not just interested in getting to know him rather than taking it upon herself to overrule you and distress him in the hope that she will be triumphantly able to announce that she has sorted out your child’s problem with going to the park. Her behaviour is all about her and not to do with your child’s wellbeing or happiness, That means she doesn’t get a chance to be in sole charge of him until she can put his needs first.

My MIL was like this but the older the children got and the more they were clearly individuals and people in their own right the better she got.

I think there were a real mx of reasons for this but upshot was there were a few years during baby toddller years I was always there but by school age she was really good with them and probably their favorite DGP.

@GrumpyHoonMain we will have to agree to disagree. I don’t think removing my son from being repeatedly distressed makes me look petty.

No issues with MIL previously, no back story to be drip fed, if I didn’t trust her she wouldn’t have been looking after him at all. Now I don’t trust her in this context, however.

@RedMarauder no you’re right, I just meant he’s more sensitive to new things perhaps that he would have been previously - or maybe he would have been the same we will never know! To me, it’s just DS being who he is and that’s fine. It bothers me that it’s being seen as something that needs to be fixed as well.

I also don’t understand how she can feel okay with seeing him like that and still repeatedly try. As I said, we tried a few times before it became very clear that it wasn’t that he didn’t realise what it was, he just didn’t like it, so I know exactly how he gets.

maybe he doesn't like swings, not everyone copes well with the weird sensation that comes with swinging back and forth. Some kids love them others loath them with a passion, he isn't different from any other kid. Your mil would do well to remember all children are different

"something off about him"?? There is something off about her!

My youngest was terrified of swimming - wouldn't get deeper than the paddling pool by choice and clung to me like a limpet. On the other hand he was perfectly prepared to get on half a ton of horse and was a natural rider. He learnt to swim as a teenager as we had never pushed it as a child. When he was older we discussed it with him and told him it was a good life skill and he still had time to learn and he had lessons. I also tell my children that if they are the same as everybody else they will never be exceptional.

Your MIL though has ignored your wishes and probably traumatised your child and there is no possible way that I would ever allow her unsupervised access to your son - family visits or with you or your husband - but never alone again. She didn't do this just once as she persisted. Your friend was worried enough to contact you so we can assume your son was very upset. The only person's behaviour that is strange here is your MIL's. I am wary of armchair diagnosing and putting labels on things but is it possible your MIL is showing signs of dementia?

BTW as a child I also hated both swings and roundabouts, they made me feel sick.

She has no respect for your son as his own person. She has no respect for you as a mother who does not want her child to be deliberately put in situations which distress him.
She wouldn’t be looking after my child again, at least until he had a voice of his own and could tell me if something upset him.

I've been in this exact situation and my DC is now in the their teens. We've balanced it as I knew my DC would not push out of their comfort zone when I was about but equally I felt my PIL went too far making them cry hysterically (for us it was bikes and swimming). What I can say is that it gets worse with age, not better. What happened with us was the our DC, once a bit older, started to refuse sleep overs and also spending any time with them alone. We were never reliant on childcare so it was actually the PILs who ended up missing out and I pointed out to them that I will not force my DC to spend time with someone they feel uncomfortable with and it's their responsibility to build a positive relationship with them or deal with our DC choosing to spend their time with other relatives in the day to day life. That conversation was quite eye opening for them and really changed their behaviour but that wasn't until they were 8-10, so it was a long time. Sending lots of hugs. It's hard!

It's not about the park. She thinks she knows better than you and is purposefully going against your instructions.

It doesn’t matter what the issue is, she doesn’t respect your decisions so can’t be trusted to look after him.

It must’ve been fairly bad if your friend felt the need to get involved to protect him by warning you.

Take mil to a theme park or such-like when restrictions ease and force her on the rollercoasters or to a pool and push her in. "Come on MIL- it's fun!"
My ds would not be spending time with her for a while either and if she continues, as he grows, she'll chip away at his self-esteem if he doesn't like what she thinks he should.

I should add my Ds hated swings so this struck a chord. I can't imagine forcing him we never even ' encouraged' him and aged 7 he has just started now and again choosing to sit on them off his own back( so long as no- one pushes ). He will be fine if left alone. If she carries on he may develop a phobia. Your instincts are right.

YANBU - she’s being unnecessarily cruel, forcing him into/onto things he doesn’t want to go on. There’s absolutely no need to do that, so wtf is she? She won’t be helping him, she’ll actually be putting him off more.

My DS wasn’t interested in the swings at all until he was almost 3, and even then he never stayed in them for long. Now, at 5yrs, he loves them and will sit and be pushed for ages. Forcing children to do things just puts them off and makes them feel insecure.

As for your MIL saying there was something ‘wrong’ with him, that’s just deflection and pigheadedness. She’s the one who is wrong.

You’re quite right keeping your DS away from her for a while, and it’s completely understandable why you’re upset. I would be too.