To think it's normal to discuss an unborn baby's skin colour?

[JustWonderingIfYou]

In the exact same way you discuss their hair colour, facial features, height in relation to their parent's features.

I am "BAME", as is my partner- both mixed. So my baby is a super mix of at least 5 ethnicities- yes he is gorgeous . Whilst pregnant everyone spoke about what colour he would be, I thought this was normal.

It went from people joking about whether he'd need factor 50 like one grandparent to hoping he'd be dark enough to dance in carnival. Even jokes hoping he'd escape the "asian glow".

It stopped once he was born as it was, i hope, just curiosity as to how he would look. Although one particular family member celebrated every time she saw him that he was darker each time.

Is this not the case in other families? Wondering especially about other mixed BAME families.

-This is not directly related to MM but all the chatter has brought up whether I should have tried to stop these conversations or been offended by them.

Mixed race household here (mix of three). We definitely wondered what our children would look like: skin colour, hair colour, hair texture, eye colour, height etc. It is was just part and parcel of getting excited about our future child.

We were not bothered about what combination of our features would be in our DC, just excited to find out.

Saying that I’m telling a lie, I did wish they would get DH’s eyelashes. The man’s lashes are beyond beautiful!

Our 4 DC are bloody wonderful (biased mum) all different in tones, textures and shapes and yet you can tell they are siblings. Perfect 👌

@Brainwave89 I'm sorry that happened to you, that's absolutely awful.

IHateCoronavirus - I would have liked DS to get his mamas green cat eyes but hey you can’t have everything. He does get a lovely copper tinge in his black hair in the summer though (so there’s got to have been a red on dads side somewhere!)

100% for all mixed families. I've got people in my family that pass for white and others that look Nearly full Black. We discussed skin shades, hair textures, facial features. It's not offensive in the slightest. Every new baby brings up these topics every time

So normal. Especially in mixed race families. Anything can happen!

Babies are always beautiful.

I read an article recently of a family with 6 kids white mum, black dad. The article was about how the children really did range in their hair, eye and skin tone. It was quite interesting. They did look like a family of models - absolutely stunning...

“Babies are always beautiful” that’s why I always say (and ‘toddlers are always gorgeous’)!

Think it depends on the context of the conversation. I’m white and my partner is black. We discussed what our daughter might look like. She’s has a mix of both of our features, she’s quite fair and has more - what my partner calls - European hair. We have had comments though where people have mentioned how “fair” she is and even been asked why she looks “white” or if her dad is really her dad 🙄

I agree with you that it's normal. People probably wondered too if Archie would have his mum's smile, red hair or his grandfathers ears. I guess if you are looking for racism you find it everywhere.

@toffeebutterpopcorn

IHateCoronavirus - I would have liked DS to get his mamas green cat eyes but hey you can’t have everything. He does get a lovely copper tinge in his black hair in the summer though (so there’s got to have been a red on dads side somewhere!)

Same here with DS1 his hair is verging on black but he has singular bright copper hairs throughout. I wonder where it comes from? There is Scottish way back on my DF’s side, five generations before me. I wonder if it could be a surviving trait from then.

Generics is a weird thing. My dad was interested in biology and anthropology and we used to talk about generics too... he was dark skinned and went very dark in the sun. Black hair, dark eyes... family stories say Portuguese but who knows. Oddly enough I have a small blonde streak in my hair (some people have asked if it’s dyed) and some jet black hairs in my fringe. It’s bloody weird! I’m not getting some silver to add to my ‘tartan hair’.

@ReyGal we’ve had those types of comments about DD too. It’s really upsetting. I think people have a fixed idea about what mixed race people look like and can’t seem to fathom that every mixed race person isn’t the same

I’m white and husband is white, so we didn’t discuss it before the children were born.

However, now they’re here, we do comment on how two of them are very ‘English Rose’ complexion and one is very olive skinned, much like my Greek father!

I can see how some conversations like this could be tinged with racism, but in general I don’t think it’s wrong to speculate whether a baby will look more like mum or dad which is really what we’re talking about.

I am white, my husbands grandad was African. When I found out I was pregnant we discussed who DD would take after and if she would have any of her great grandads genes. Following all the M&H talk a friend of mine who is mixed race told me that this made me racist and I should never have asked such an appalling question. It’s left me feeling really upset, both DD’s look white, I’m often told they look ‘ethnic’ by friends. Never in a million years was it a discussion about concern. I bought books so I could help them and me, learn about their family heritage and culture because it’s valuable and so important. It just felt so sad that someone I get on with felt like that.

I get that people wonder about skin tone but I just find it all repulsive, but that's down to my own experiences.

I would hate anyone to start speculating about what skin tone my baby would be, because 1) DH and I are black and skin tone is not a casual conversation to be had tbh. And 2) I am part East Asian and have been fetishized because I look more racially ambiguous/mixed than I should.

My black family tend to stay away from talking about skin tone. We've dealt with colourism within the black community. We are all different shades, we have different experiences of both colourism and racism.

I have family who have white (mostly female) partners. Sometimes it's intense to hear them talk about skin colour and their biracial children. Imagine being a dark skinned black woman, sitting there listening to a white woman gleefully speculating about their biracial kids possibly having 'dark skin', 'afro hair' blah blah. You don't want to deny them their excitement, but colourism is a real problem within the black community too. Don't expect me to get excited when discussing potential features with you. Don't expect me to refer to your kids as dark skinned because it's highly unlikely that they'll be darker than me. Don't expect me to engage in your 'innocent' speculating when your black partner has openly declared a preference for non-black women and is hoping that their kid looks more like you than themselves. Don't expect me to involve my own black kids into this conversation because you feel it's innocent and 'normal' to discuss these things. Don't expect me to have a grudge against your child just because I don't want to discuss/speculate what they look like.

My cousin is a dark-skinned black woman. Her husband is white. They're expecting their first child. Never once has it crossed my mind what 'colour' it would be. She told me the same, she and her husband haven't discussed it. Something is wrong with you if you would even wonder.

I think it really depends on context. My DC has mixed heritage and I can remember wondering aloud to DH when I was pregnant whether he'd be dark like me or fair like his side of the family. It was just chatting but if a third party had said 'oh god what if DS comes out with really dark skin, wouldn't that be awful' that would obviously be totally different

JayDot500 - I'm sorry that your experience has been like this.
But someone from an ethnic minority (black/asian, in the UK for instance) choosing a white partner doesn't necessarily want their kids to look more like their partner. I personally have never experienced that at any rate. And the speculation is, mostly, innocent. I did wonder what skin tone my children would have but in the same way I wondered whether they would have my eyes (I quite like my eyes :)). Obviously I probably kinda wanted them to have a dark skin tone somehow because my DH is dark (Asian) and I quite like the idea of them being a mix in physical traits. But realistically I didn't care that much and I love my white blond boy the same I love my youngest daughter who quite clearly has her dad's skin tone.
Unfortunately the reality is I cannot relate to your experience - as I am white - and I don't claim to be able to. But that doesn't make my speculation re my children's skin anything other than innocent.

We have a mixed heritage child, I'm BAME and husband is white english and I think it was my side that speculated more what the baby would look like. My in laws never did to me or to my husband, they were more curious if it would be a boy or girl as we didn't find out the sex of the baby. I don't think it's an unusual thing to think about in mixed heritage families in my opinion, I would be offended if the conversations carried on when the baby was born but as you say it is more curiosity about how they may look.

My partner is mixed and I am pale as a pale ghost! I often wondered about our babies colouring and so did family and friends when I was pregnant mainly because we are polar opposites.

No one was 'concerned' though. Or had any preference!! There's obviously a difference between wondering and worrying.

My dc's dad is very dark and I'm very pale. We discussed loads what colour our children would be. It was totally innocent.
I think MM wanted to be offended. So she was.

I do think experience has a lot to do with how we perceive this issue. JayDot500 I can absolutely see how, with your experiences, wondering about skin tones, would be hurtful and inappropriate.
Following the early stillbirth of her mixed race baby girl my dark skinned friend did want to discuss what her DD may have looked like but I guess that is a different situation again.

Concern can mean "having an interest in" something, it isn't necessarily indicative of worry.

Ooh I don’t know about that @skirk64, concern definitely indicates worry to me (passive aggressively or otherwise).

If your boss told you they had some concerns and wanted a chat your reaction would be very different to them saying they they’d thought of something interesting and wanted a chat.

I think it’s safe to say the same holds when being asked about skin colour by a relative. “Concern” definitely doesn’t imply a positive conversation to me.

I have two siblings who've had mixed-race children. We've never discussed their children's skin colour either before or after they were born.

If they'd started the conversation with me then I guess I'd join in. If they hadn't started the conversation then no, I would not start it myself.

If they said that someone in my family had expressed concern about what their baby's skin colour might be, I would believe them, especially if some of the family had a history of being racist.

I would not necessarily need them to tell me exactly which family member it was, especially if that would have unpleasant ramifications for them - I'd try to be supportive and ask if there was anything I could do to help.

I am married to a man with Jewish heritage. No one in my family has ever expressed concern to me that my children might inherit his Jewish skin colour or nose shape.

I have had to ask certain inlaws to not do the stretching eyelid "slitty eye" thing. I find it in bad taste rather than be offended by it thought

If you don't think whoever has done this is a racist cunt then you're in no position to give opinions on what may or may not be racist.