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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it's normal to discuss an unborn baby's skin colour?

150 replies

JustWonderingIfYou · 17/03/2021 12:52

In the exact same way you discuss their hair colour, facial features, height in relation to their parent's features.

I am "BAME", as is my partner- both mixed. So my baby is a super mix of at least 5 ethnicities- yes he is gorgeous Wink . Whilst pregnant everyone spoke about what colour he would be, I thought this was normal.

It went from people joking about whether he'd need factor 50 like one grandparent to hoping he'd be dark enough to dance in carnival. Even jokes hoping he'd escape the "asian glow".

It stopped once he was born as it was, i hope, just curiosity as to how he would look. Although one particular family member celebrated every time she saw him that he was darker each time.

Is this not the case in other families? Wondering especially about other mixed BAME families.

-This is not directly related to MM but all the chatter has brought up whether I should have tried to stop these conversations or been offended by them.

OP posts:
BooomShakeTheRoom · 17/03/2021 14:15

@sagaLoren

I'm white and my partner is mixed and we have people commenting on what our potential children would look like a lot. Some of the comments do make me a bit feel uncomfortable. To be honest the worst ones come from older members of his side of the family and imply that you wouldn't want your kids to be "too dark" (even though they themselves are dark skinned). I guess it's an internalised racism which is sad.
Or an appreciation that typically life is harder in the UK the darker your skin tone is.
doadeer · 17/03/2021 14:17

My son is mixed black carribean and white, yes we chatted about his potential skin tone and whether he would have my eyes but I think the key is that was us his parents and there was no concern or worry he would be dark! Context is everything

toffeebutterpopcorn · 17/03/2021 14:18

RoseLimeade - I took it as clumsy English (her English wasnt brilliant). She could very well have said ‘what is she’ as they don’t use pronouns.

sagaLoren · 17/03/2021 14:20

I'm surprised more people with biracial children aren't offended by the skin tone chat. I do find it offensive when people say that me and my partner will have "beautiful children" essentially implying that their skin colour will be brown (but not too brown). I think it comes from a racist place and it's definitely not the same as hoping your child will have your green eyes.

doadeer · 17/03/2021 14:23

At the moment to be light mixed race is definately the most "desirable look" as if it's a trend. It's seen as slightly "exotic" but nothing too extreme. I hate it. Real fetishism. My son won't go through anything my partner has because coloursism is deeply embedded.

sweetgingercat · 17/03/2021 14:25

Yes it's normal and my child is mixed race and there was quite a bit of it before he was born. It was curiosity completely devoid of the aggression or micro-aggression of racism. Even now he is teased about whether he's going to have a big European nose or a small Asian one - the jury is still out...

Also I have a friend whose family were Asian and all the children were slightly different shades of golden brown. The children all had nicknames such as coffee, chocolate etc depending on their colour of skin. Chocolate got stuck with his nickname and was known as Chocolate all his life!

I don't know whether this was the case with H&M because it wasn't explained properly and OW didn't ask... It was just assumed. H should either have not talked about it, and not mentioned it at all, or talked about it and explained it completely. It was passive-aggressive to do it in this way leaving people to speculate.

stackemhigh · 17/03/2021 14:27

Whilst pregnant everyone spoke about what colour he would be, I thought this was normal.

This is utterly bizarre, I’m not white but come from a country where people in one family can be quite dark or very fair and we never discuss skin colour.

It does not come up in conversation, why would you even give a toss about the baby’s skin colour?

hoping he'd be dark enough to dance in carnival. Even jokes hoping he'd escape the "asian glow".

Your family is very weird Confused

sagaLoren · 17/03/2021 14:29

At the moment to be light mixed race is definately the most "desirable look" as if it's a trend. It's seen as slightly "exotic" but nothing too extreme. I hate it. Real fetishism

Yes exactly. These are the kinds of comments we get and I don't like it at all.

x2boys · 17/03/2021 14:29

It was the expressing concern about how dark skinned ,the baby might be they found offensive.

Mrstwiddle · 17/03/2021 14:30

Completely normal, but obviously words can be twisted.

OutsideTheWhiteHouse · 17/03/2021 14:34

Dark enough to dance in carnival? Asian glow?

I don’t find that funny or endearing or normal. It’s rude and racist.

Lampzade · 17/03/2021 14:37

@CreosoteQueen

I think it’s one think for a BAME family to have a well-intended conversation about which features a baby might be born with - the way anyone might speculate about their expected child’s hair or eye colour - and another thing for an entirely white family with historical and recent racist behaviour to express concern about the skin colour of the only mixed race child in the family.
This
oblada · 17/03/2021 14:42

@doadeer

At the moment to be light mixed race is definately the most "desirable look" as if it's a trend. It's seen as slightly "exotic" but nothing too extreme. I hate it. Real fetishism. My son won't go through anything my partner has because coloursism is deeply embedded.
Maybe it's just seen as being permanently tanned, which is considered desirable in white people? Not sure it screams of racism to be honest. And yes I suppose people naturally are drawn to differences but sometimes too much differences can be 'scary'. It's not about skin tone or race, that's just human nature. I wouldn't read into people liking a mixed race skin tone the suggestion that they dislike certain races.
skirk64 · 17/03/2021 14:43

@RedGoldAndGreene

Yanbu but MM used the word concern which suggests it wasn't an innocent "I wonder what skin tone Archie will have "
Concern can mean "having an interest in" something, it isn't necessarily indicative of worry.
oblada · 17/03/2021 14:49

There is also a big difference between wondering what skin tone a child will have and being worried that a child will be too dark or too fair. Nobody expressed those concerns for us.

GeidiPrimes · 17/03/2021 14:59

Is it really normal to discuss babies skin tone? I thought black communities are highly critical of shadism.

The Windsors have exhibited a lot of racist behaviours over the years, so they must have known they were on dangerous territory. Or maybe they're just stupid Smile.

IFoundMyselfInThisBar · 17/03/2021 15:02

When the parents have red and black hair respectively, it is totally normal to wonder if the baby will be dark or not. It refers to hair.

Only the family were not wondering. They made persistent negative comments about red hair and hoped that the baby didn’t have red hair.

GeidiPrimes · 17/03/2021 15:04

I don't think anyone on the thread's welcomed you to MN JustWonderingIfYou.

Such an interesting first post Smile

Starlive23 · 17/03/2021 15:14

I'm mixed race and DH is white and I was the same as you OP, there were lots of discussions and I didn't bat an eyelid. Nobody ever said they were concerned of course but lots of conversations (my husband has res hair) about possible hair/skin/eyes combo!

CtrlU · 17/03/2021 15:22

‘Dark enough to dance in carnival’...Hmm

I think the point that was being made when Megan mentioned the issue in regards to Archie’s skin - it was said in a way of it being a concern and a problem within the royal family.

That and other factors being; previous royal protocols were now being etched out- mainly based on the fact that Megan and Archie were not Caucasian - that was the problem and I think that’s what the issue was.

IFoundMyselfInThisBar · 17/03/2021 15:22

I'm surprised more people with biracial children aren't offended by the skin tone chat. I do find it offensive when people say that me and my partner will have "beautiful children" essentially implying that their skin colour will be brown (but not too brown). I think it comes from a racist place and it's definitely not the same as hoping your child will have your green eyes.

My nieces and nephews are mixed race. My sibling and partner are definitely offended by this stuff, as are other BAME people that I know.

tabulahrasa · 17/03/2021 15:25

If Harry, who is used to Prince Phillip (given what we know he’s happy to say in public) and didn’t see an issue to go to a party dressed as a nazi, had previously used the p world says he felt awkward and shocked by the conversation...

It’s pretty safe to assume it wasn’t a pleasant chat about who a baby would look like Hmm

Lockdownbear · 17/03/2021 15:27

What makes you feel that someone thinking that a brown skin tone is beautiful is racist?

Surely that's the same as someone thinking or dark hair is beautiful?

People dye hair, people lie on sunbeds and use fake tan to get brownish skin!

ezydays · 17/03/2021 15:28

It is because of of how MM cleverly used the word "concern"

Me and my mum had lots of discussions about my dd skin tone like "I wonder if she would take my pale skin tone or Dh brown skin tone etc" I think it is completely normal.. however if my mum said "oh I hope dd doesn't get this or that" that would be a different topic..
It really does depend on what was said, and I think it's quite bad that we won't know the context of that conversation

Cloudyrainsham · 17/03/2021 15:32

My niece is mixed race. Her mum is really pale with almost white hair, her dad North African. We discussed it before she was born, we were intrigued. We weren’t “concerned” though.