To think it's normal to discuss an unborn baby's skin colour?

[JustWonderingIfYou]

In the exact same way you discuss their hair colour, facial features, height in relation to their parent's features.

I am "BAME", as is my partner- both mixed. So my baby is a super mix of at least 5 ethnicities- yes he is gorgeous . Whilst pregnant everyone spoke about what colour he would be, I thought this was normal.

It went from people joking about whether he'd need factor 50 like one grandparent to hoping he'd be dark enough to dance in carnival. Even jokes hoping he'd escape the "asian glow".

It stopped once he was born as it was, i hope, just curiosity as to how he would look. Although one particular family member celebrated every time she saw him that he was darker each time.

Is this not the case in other families? Wondering especially about other mixed BAME families.

-This is not directly related to MM but all the chatter has brought up whether I should have tried to stop these conversations or been offended by them.

• I wouldn't read into people liking a mixed race skin tone the suggestion that they dislike certain races

Of course there is widespread dislike of certain skin tones and ethnicities!! White Society rejects dark skin in a multitude of ways!

MM hasn't said anything clearly, simply that she was unhappy that the comment was made. I might have heard the same comment & thought nothing of it.

fwiw, in my experience, the people who most discuss baby's skin colour are mixed race people or mixed race couples & families. We're all curious what baby will look like, who they will take after.

People dye hair, people lie on sunbeds and use fake tan to get brownish skin!

Jesus christ.

YANBU. It’s normal family talk, MM just needed something to say to get at the RF

@tabulahrasa

If Harry, who is used to Prince Phillip (given what we know he’s happy to say in public) and didn’t see an issue to go to a party dressed as a nazi, had previously used the p world says he felt awkward and shocked by the conversation...

It’s pretty safe to assume it wasn’t a pleasant chat about who a baby would look like

Although Prince Harry does seem to have had a personality transplant, so who knows if he even remembers his own previous, racist self? It’s bizarre.

Didn't you start another identical thread about a week ago (that got zapped) JustWonderingIfYou?

OP, I could have written your post as I too have multi ethnicities in my immediate family and as a family we always wonder about what mix of features a new addition to the family will have. It’s no different to others wondering about eye colour etc and I’ve never been offended when anyone has pondered on who a child will take after.

Oh and I’m the White person in the family but others are BAME, Black, Arab, East African and Eastern European.

I had my Rainbow long before Angelina did and my heart swells with happiness when we’re all together and my beautiful children and grandchildren are all under one roof with me. I can’t actually believe such beauties are mine. Oh and it can be really funny when people are completely wrong about which of my grandchildren are siblings and who the cousins are.

As for Meghan and Harry - I’m over them now and just wish that for their own sake they take a step back and go to ground for a while because though you can fool some people some of the time you can’t fool everyone all of the time and they are now extremely transparent.

Oh and for someone who makes such an issue of being Black - why has she always appeared to have had partners who are White. Is she just Black when it suits her?

It’s normal.
My DH looks like a Brazilian, he’s southern Mediterranean and he’s really dark. We talked about our DC having his olive skin rather than mine and hoped they’d have my eye colour.

MM and H need to put up or shut up. You can’t insinuate something and then tarnish people’s reputations without proof or by making a full accusation. Come on Meghan snd Harry, grow a pair and spit it out. Then we’ll deal with it, appropriately.

@doadeer

* I wouldn't read into people liking a mixed race skin tone the suggestion that they dislike certain races * Of course there is widespread dislike of certain skin tones and ethnicities!! White Society rejects dark skin in a multitude of ways!

I'm not saying racism isn't widespread just that people liking a mixed race skin tone doesn't imply racism. Not in my view anyway

Oh and for someone who makes such an issue of being Black - why has she always appeared to have had partners who are White. Is she just Black when it suits her?

Having black partners is not a condition or requisite of being/ identifying as black!! She’s not the one making an issue- the issue EXISTS.

Asa white woman whose entire family is white I can honestly say if we welcomed a black person into the family I would not raise questions or start conversations around colour. Because that black family member would be in the minority. They'd be outnumbered by white people and may not be comfortable with it.

If that black family member started the conversation I'd join in with it, but I wouldn't start it.

I'm white, a bit thick and come from a predominantly white area. Every child in my dcs school is white but it's even occurred to us despite being sheltered about issues around race how that would make a black or mixed race person feel uncomfortable........ I refuse to believe members of the royal family can't have that internal conversation and know when to keep their gobs shut

Having black partners is not a condition or requisite of being/ identifying as black!! She’s not the one making an issue- the issue EXISTS

I can recall Oprah Winfrey saying years ago that she’d never have settled down with anyone from outside of her own community as it would be an insult to African America males. She said they were disenfranchised enough without her adding to it.

It’s something I’ve thought a lot about recently considering her relationship with Meghan and Harry.

Fetishising a skin tone is racist. I've had white girls tell me they want to sleep with a black man but they'd never marry them. My DH has been propositioned by senior members of staff when drunk based on his "exotic" appearance. I can assure you, we don't see any of these as complimentary.

Fetishing and liking are 2 different things tho.

@GeidiPrimes

Didn't you start another identical thread about a week ago (that got zapped) JustWonderingIfYou?

Interesting!

Don't care.

Interesting!

Isn't it. Under a different name of course

Maybe in their next dog-whistle thread they should NC to GassyMcGaslight.

As a white family, we never discussed skin color. But we did discuss hair and eye colors and Who they will look like.

My dad was born blonde hair and but when he got older, his hair turned black. His skin got really dark too (he was born white) .... darker than Meghan. More likely he was dark anyway but too much sun did it. Although I don’t know how because he doesn’t spend too much time outdoors like some people. He is not a gardener. He is a car mechanic who work in the garage. Anyway, the change of melanin was a surprise for some of my family but they claimed it is because of Native American Blood. (I think it from both Native American, African, and Italian/Mediterranean according to my dna results - )

Anyway, all of this doesn’t matter. And it does seems a bit racist when people get down and talk about skin color, including myself so I am not leaving it out. I am however proud of my parents’ heritage from all background

Totally normal OP with all the mixed ethnicity parents I know.

Same as if one parent has red hair, or is exceptionally tall, or has a unibrow

I am sure we can all imagine conversations where it would have been acceptable, and others where it would have been deeply upsetting and racist. So it's pretty unfair of M&H to have raised it and then withheld that crucial piece of information in my view.

Yabvu. I would think this is only acceptable if the parents of the child bring it up. Its Not for others to discuss without the approval or lead from the parents to be.

Whilst pregnant everyone spoke about what colour he would be, I thought this was normal.

No its not really. Just because you think it's a cutesy thing to do, it doesn't speak for everyone.

I am also in a mixed race relationship (I am Indian, my husband is white British). When I was pregnant some of my husband's family did talk about skin colour (some of which I overheard and which were not said directly). I am afraid most were unkind and there was very little doubt some were concerned how dark our children would be. I worked these through with some of the relatives. Others I just avoided. I will never forget four months gone how it felt to here my DH's uncle saying he hoped my child did not look too much like a [p word which I will not use]. How low and lonely it made me feel.

My Mum and I were talking about this recently. Our conclusion was that there is a world of difference between (a) excited conversations about what a baby might look like and which family features might be passed on etc, and (b) concerned speculation about what a baby might look like.

SIL and BIL had some of the latter from DH’s grandmother. The words used might have strived for innocence but the intent was blatantly obvious by the fact it was asked again and again and again and every conversation was steered back to it.

I suppose the key difference is that the former conversations might hope for a particular feature to be passed on or avoided, but it’s clear it really doesn’t matter much either way. The latter conversations make it perfectly clear that there is only one truly acceptable outcome.

I think it’s normal and okay for family and close friends to casually discuss what they might look like, but I did find that some people took it too far and made it a bit weird. Particularly those who gushed about how lucky I was to be having a mixed race baby because they’re so cute , and then the same people seeming a bit disappointed when she was born with pale skin, blonde hair and blue eyes.

@GeidiPrimes

I don't think anyone on the thread's welcomed you to MN JustWonderingIfYou.

Such an interesting first post

Is that a thing now?

I've never seen anyone be welcomed to MN...

I think it is all about context. Nobody was suggesting that OW or anyone else asking the sex of the baby was sexist but discussing the sex of a baby could presumably be considered sexist in the same way that discussing skin colour is racist - only if the context made it that way.