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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 kids already...another one by a different dad?

139 replies

Originalusername01 · 16/03/2021 13:00

Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation and how it worked for you. So I have two school aged children and divorced from their dad. We have joint custody which really works for us. Have been in a new relationship for a while and potentially see a future with him which includes children. How has this worked for you if this is your situation? I feel like potentially my children would be upset that I have a new baby with me all the time but they only see me 50% percent of the time. Also I'm in my early 30s if that makes a difference. All advice welcome. Its been playing on my mind a lot.

OP posts:
Screwcorona · 16/03/2021 18:38

I've been the child. There was me and my sister, then my dad had two more girls and my mum had a boy and a girl, in their remarriages.

In all honesty it wasnt great. I felt jealous as a child that my siblings got to have a mum and dad together and I didnt.

Also my dads new household were financially better off and comfortable, went on nice holidays had nice clothes etc, but didnt extend to me and my sister.

Screwcorona · 16/03/2021 18:40

If you do do it, try to make sure your current children are involved in all the holidays and fun things. I'm sure you probably will, as I think my dad was just quite thoughtless

Wondermule · 16/03/2021 18:43

How old are your kids? Does your new partner have children from previous relationships? How long have you been together?

FilthyforFirth · 16/03/2021 18:47

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.

RosieGuacamosie · 16/03/2021 18:51

@FilthyforFirth

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.
This. I think your concerns are valid and your children could end up feeling like outsiders in both yours and your ex’s families.
Holly60 · 16/03/2021 18:53

@FilthyforFirth

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.
Totally agree with this
Merryoldgoat · 16/03/2021 19:08

@FilthyforFirth

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.
This.

They will inevitably be treated differently and it will cause a whole load of avoidable issues.

lunar1 · 16/03/2021 19:15

I wouldn't based on my own childhood, but I also wouldn't ever bring a step parent into my children's lives. I know my views aren't common though, I just had a shitty childhood as both my parents put their new relationships before anything so I'm highly biased.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 16/03/2021 19:16

I've been the child in that. When I divorced my XH, never had another baby even though I ached to have one. Blended families are shit. Every one of my friends who've grown up that way say the same, it was for the benefit of the adults at the expense of the 'old relationship' DC's security and confidence in their value as a member of the 'new family' of half and/or step siblings.

So personally, I wouldn't (and didn't) do it.

Merryoldgoat · 16/03/2021 19:16

@lunar1

Yes - I had the same experience. I’d sooner be single but I appreciate that’s easy for me to say

SquirtleSquad · 16/03/2021 19:19

@FilthyforFirth

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.
This with bells on!
littlepattilou · 16/03/2021 19:19

@FilthyforFirth

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.
This. Glad someone else said it. It makes me cringe when someone has a child with every^ partner they have. (Whether that 'someone' is a man OR a woman.)

And like the above poster, I think it's very unfair on their (existing) children.

littlepattilou · 16/03/2021 19:20

Oh, actually quite a FEW people have said it's unfair on the existing children too. Shock

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 16/03/2021 19:21

@lunar1 and @Merryoldgoat and the same here too. I will remain happily single until my youngest DC has left school at least, I feel so strongly about blended families. Everyone is different, but it works for me

JayDot500 · 16/03/2021 19:27

I'm the eldest child who had one younger brother before my parents split. DM and DF remarried and I have younger siblings from both. I think it can work but it really depends on the man you are marrying and the father/step mother dynamics with your own kids. My dad did involve us whenever he could, and my step mother is lovely. No problems there, but maybe there would have been if I lived with him. I'll never know.

My mum's marriage didn't last long, but they were together 7 years before the marriage. I felt resentment when I was expected to be the babysitter all the time (my step dad always had hobbies that would mean I'd have to look after my younger siblings). My mum and I still have issues because the time I stood up for myself against the babysitting, she sided with her husband.

I've never felt jealous of my younger siblings from both marriages, not all kids get jealous over these things.

MrsToadlike · 16/03/2021 19:38

Personally I wouldn't. My parents are divorced and although they found new partners, neither mum or dad had children with their partners and their partners didn't already have children of their own. That made things considerably easier for me and my sister to handle, as there were no step siblings or half siblings to blend with or adapt to. And my sister and I both get on well with our parents' partners. Perhaps this might not have been the case if they had their own children to prioritise.

I will always be grateful to my parents for this. And I'm sure it's why me and my sister have a strong relationship with our parents.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/03/2021 19:41

I personally have decided not to - and haven’t particularly gone out of the way to find a new partner either (and therefore am single).

My kids are 12 and 7, I’ve been separated (in principle but we had an awful time of staying in thr same house) from their dad for 5 years, but probably divorced and in my own house for 2.5 years.

Their dad has decided to have another child with a new partner, and the baby has just been born. I dunno, I foresee problems and upset, although it’s not for me to say anything just now - my kids are currently happy about the whole thing.

I’m just glad they don’t have that at both homes.

I agree with pps that you don’t HAVE to have children with every partner, and also you shouldn’t keep chasing the dream of a “happy family”.

Merryoldgoat · 16/03/2021 20:11

and also you shouldn’t keep chasing the dream of a “happy family”

I think this is probably key. The happy family ‘dream’ is the driver for most people I know who have children with multiple partners.

The reality is usually very far from the dream.

Original poster
Originalusername01 · 16/03/2021 20:14

Thank you everyone for the replies. I wouldn't say I wanted a child I'm with but I always saw myself with 3 -4 kids but looks like I will stop at 2. I couldn't deal with the guilt and looks like a lot of you feel the same and same views. I can't complain...I have two beautiful children and I'm happy happy our life and don't want to change it x

OP posts:
PlantDoctor · 16/03/2021 20:20

Wow, this is very thought provoking. I haven't been in this situation but clicked YANBU before reading other replies. My mind has now been changed by reading the experiences of people who grew up in this situation.

MidnightHangingTree · 16/03/2021 20:26

My parents split up when I was around 8 and it honestly didn't bother me that much, mainly as my Dad still played a very active role in my life. I would have HATED having half or step siblings though.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 16/03/2021 21:58

and also you shouldn’t keep chasing the dream of a “happy family”

I think this is so important to say. I know my DM thought she had the perfect family..a man she was madly in love with, an older DD and a newborn DS. My DDad thought he had the perfect family too - new DW, one part time DD and two new babies.
I felt a bit out of place in both houses. New people I just had to get along with because it made each of my DP's happy.

Is a happy family something that's democratic, I mean is it happy if most people are, or is it only as happy as its most unhappy member?
The trouble is children often don't have the vocabulary to articulate why they feel uncomfortable or unhappy. It makes me sad that there's DC who will feel uncomfortable in their own homes for reasons they can't explain, but everyone else is happy so they don't want to complain.

Vierty · 16/03/2021 22:31

I wouldn’t. Step siblings may be unavoidable and indeed I have step siblings who I have a good relationship with. Nothing on this earth would convince me to have a child with a subsequent partner. I think it leads to all sorts of issues and It’s certainly not a symptom of how much you love them.

My partner has one child and I think that he would have been open to another one but I was very clear that would never be a consideration. Luckily he isn’t bothered.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 16/03/2021 22:49

DP and I made a conscious decision not to have any children because we were concerned about the effect on my DC. I can't comment for everyone because I am sure there have been situations where it has worked out. For me I felt my DC had been through enough with my divorce and a step parent.

I do feel it has helped because my DC are absolutely crystal clear that they are our focus and exdh focus. I did feel that for me personally if DP had "needed" to have his own biological children it would have meant he wasn't the right person for me. Fortunately he was clear that DC needed to feel as comfortable and prioritised as possible.

As I say though I can only say that for our circumstances I am sure others have made it work with another DC.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/03/2021 23:13

I would be very careful and go into it with your eyes wide open.

I have two older siblings from my father's first marriage and they have spent their whole lives resenting me for having been born.

This is a fairly extreme example which is largely down to my father's insensitivity in handling this. I don't think blended families are automatically doomed, but I think they only work if a) the children from the first marriage are very much on board b) the new couple proceed at the pace of the children and not themselves and c) the new couple are very careful to be sensitive and inclusive to the needs of the children from the first marriage.