2 kids already...another one by a different dad?

[Originalusername01]

Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation and how it worked for you. So I have two school aged children and divorced from their dad. We have joint custody which really works for us. Have been in a new relationship for a while and potentially see a future with him which includes children. How has this worked for you if this is your situation? I feel like potentially my children would be upset that I have a new baby with me all the time but they only see me 50% percent of the time. Also I'm in my early 30s if that makes a difference. All advice welcome. Its been playing on my mind a lot.

@Originalusername01

Thank you everyone for the replies. It's been interesting reading everyone opinions and experiences. I didn't realise how many people felt so strongly about blended families. It is a shame but I've had a chat chat my partner and have told him I do not see having any more children in the future. Its not fair to lead him on as he Still might want his own biological children. We will see what happens now.

I think you are being very fair to your existing children and to your partner in making clear where you stand and why. The feelings of existing children - who didnt ask for any of this- simply have to come before any sense that you 'owe' someone a child because you're in a relatiionship with them or wanting to have 'ours' because you're loved up and want to cement things. I think you absolutely have done the right thing.

You're a great mum Original.

My DP grew up in a blended family where both his mum and dad ended up having children after remarrying people who already had children, and I would go as far to say is actively traumatised by it.
There ended up being 9 people he could technically call siblings and he is completely detached from all but one of them, they all have a poor relationship with their parents as they were just constantly vying for attention.

I often think on these threads about having another child that the adults in the situation are considering their wants but not their current children’s needs

It’s a tough one, many people are commenting on their experiences but things seem a bit different now than they did 20+ years ago, there seems to be many more blended families, more people divorced, more single parents and more with shared custody. I split with my dc’s dad when the dcs were 9 and 11, my dc’s have older siblings as ex had 3 children when we met, we did have issues with the eldest when I fell pregnant and I’m sure it did effect their childhood (their father having more children with someone else).

I have chosen to remain single, I have dated a few people but when it came to introducing my children to theirs things have gone wrong so for now I won’t be getting into a relationship and won’t be having more dc (ever) but I know others where it ha worked out ok, I have a few friends who have waited until their dc are older teens before having another child. I think it’s more likely to work if the children are very young or have grown up.

OP, many siblings don’t get on, & that’s when they both have the same parents. There will always be insecurities, don’t put your life on hold because of what could happen.

Tell me MN, how did you cool lot get over these insecurities 🤔

I think you have made the right decision OP and your children will thank you for it.

It doesn't have to be a horrible situation for your existing children OP. If it's something you want then give it some more thought. You might regret it later.

I'm not going to lie it wasn't an easy decision..and I fully understand that my partner may decide to leave if his desire to have children doesn't go. Which would obviously be upsetting but he has to put his wants first and I have to put mine and my children's.

@FrankskinnerscRoc

OP, many siblings don’t get on, & that’s when they both have the same parents. There will always be insecurities, don’t put your life on hold because of what could happen.

Tell me MN, how did you cool lot get over these insecurities 🤔

But the things that 'could happen' would be happening to the real sitting-in-front-of- her children who she loves and to whom she has a responsibility above and beyond her own desires or the needs of another adult. She has a life, a very good one as she says herself, no one is putting anything on hold.

@Originalusername01

I'm not going to lie it wasn't an easy decision..and I fully understand that my partner may decide to leave if his desire to have children doesn't go. Which would obviously be upsetting but he has to put his wants first and I have to put mine and my children's.

You sound a great mum OP 😊

@HeadLikeAFuckinOrange

But the other half of the time presumably their with their other parent

It's crap being taken away from your Mum, even if you love your DF. But also not wanting to offend your Dad by saying you want to stay home with DM this week. And when they have more DC, knowing your DSibling has double the amount of time with your DM - just so everybody gets their equal turn with you - is pretty rubbish.

I went through this as a teenager (slightly different as looked dad, not mum but wanted to stay home) so I get this. But my point is, this isn't the result of family blending, really. It may be worsened by strong the other siblings at home but is not the cause

Just came back to say what a great Mum you sound OP. You asked for advice and took on board people’s views and experiences.

So much better than just forging ahead with your own wants like so many do.