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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 kids already...another one by a different dad?

139 replies

Originalusername01 · 16/03/2021 13:00

Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation and how it worked for you. So I have two school aged children and divorced from their dad. We have joint custody which really works for us. Have been in a new relationship for a while and potentially see a future with him which includes children. How has this worked for you if this is your situation? I feel like potentially my children would be upset that I have a new baby with me all the time but they only see me 50% percent of the time. Also I'm in my early 30s if that makes a difference. All advice welcome. Its been playing on my mind a lot.

OP posts:
greeneyedlulu · 18/03/2021 15:30

to be honest I really wish I had just double barreled my son's name at birth but I did honestly believe his father and I would eventually get married when we went to get him registered. Raising a child with someone certainly makes you see them differently.

greeneyedlulu · 18/03/2021 15:32

I'll ask my DP if he's up for that but his name is very well known in his trade so I think that would be a massive ask!

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 18/03/2021 15:32

I’ve been this child - but with my Dad. It was really shit. I would never, ever, ever, do that to my existing children. Any desire I had for more children would never trump the emotional well being of my existing children

This was my position too, both growing up and when my marriage ended. I knew DC3 who was newborn then, would be my last baby. It is what it is, but I'd say blended families where all kids feel like they were equally raised and nurtured are the rarity, not the norm.

PurpleBiro21 · 18/03/2021 15:34

It depends on how the family deal with it.

I adore my stepdad (from 2 years old) I think the feeling is mutual, my mum is problematic.

I first truly realised my position in the family when as a 6 year old my SD mum pulled me out of a family photo when my (half) sister was born. My SD objected but the damage was done.

I’ve always felt like an outsider, a cuckoo in the nest but then we do have a strange toxic family dynamic due to my mum anyway.

I can honestly say if DH and I ever split I’ll never have more DC.
I do believe blended families can be successful but IMO it takes particular circumstances (age, parent approach, excellent co-parenting)

Wondermule · 18/03/2021 15:36

@greeneyedlulu

I'll ask my DP if he's up for that but his name is very well known in his trade so I think that would be a massive ask!
He would be perfectly entitled to carry one using his own surname for work and in day to day life, but it would be the same as yours on paper.
Cloudyrainsham · 18/03/2021 15:36

My mum married my step dad when me and my sister were 9 and 11. He also had two girls the same ages. They then went on to have 2 boys. It wasn’t chaotic house with 4 teenage girls, a toddler and a baby but fir the most part it was happy. I adored having little brothers. Slightly different in that we all lived together all of the time but it can work. Just involve your other two x

Eviethyme · 18/03/2021 15:46

I would never, it's just not fair

RevolvingPivot · 18/03/2021 16:01

Isn't that pretty standard these days?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 18/03/2021 16:04

My parents (70s) are both from divorced families and are still very close to all their (4 each) half siblings. The only one they don’t speak to is my mum’s full brother!

crystaltips98 · 18/03/2021 16:15

I am the child with both parents and 4 siblings spread between my DM and DF. We were always brought up to include all of us. As adults we are all now very close. We always call each other sister or brother, no step/half sister/brother. We are one family with mutual respect for everyones relationships. It depends on the parents. If they show equality to all children it can work.

Gingerodgers · 18/03/2021 16:21

I’m not sure that those saying how fabulous things are with their blended families are really seeing things from their child’s point of view. I grew up in a blended family, and while we were kids, I’m sure everyone thought we were all fine. It can take a while to understand your own confusions and resentments as a child, and it’s easier just to smile and pretend everything is great. Particularly if the parents keep saying how well it’s all working, and how much the children all love each other.

FullofCurryandparatha · 18/03/2021 16:25

If they show equality to all children it can work

A child who is with her mother or father half the time isn't equal to a younger half sibling who is with both their parents all the time. A child from a divorced home living with a new step parent isn't equal to a half sibling living in an intact home.
You can't make unequal things equal.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 18/03/2021 16:46

A child from a divorced home living with a new step parent isn't equal to a half sibling living in an intact home. You can't make unequal things equal.

I wish someone had told my XH this. My DC have expressed hurt and that it feels strange to know they have siblings they'll never know, because he's both blended and dissolved 3 families in the last 20yrs and there's simply no feasible way for them to have any rship.
I just wish people would think hard before chasing a dream 2nd family after the first one fails.

rainbowdaz · 18/03/2021 19:43

@FullofCurryandparatha

If they show equality to all children it can work

A child who is with her mother or father half the time isn't equal to a younger half sibling who is with both their parents all the time. A child from a divorced home living with a new step parent isn't equal to a half sibling living in an intact home.
You can't make unequal things equal.

But the other half of the time presumably their with their other parent. It's not like they've been flung out in the cold. They'll be happy to see them- and if not, that's not to do with family blending, they just don't like the other parent and it'd be exactly the same whether the other one remarried or not

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 18/03/2021 22:03

But the other half of the time presumably their with their other parent

It's crap being taken away from your Mum, even if you love your DF. But also not wanting to offend your Dad by saying you want to stay home with DM this week. And when they have more DC, knowing your DSibling has double the amount of time with your DM - just so everybody gets their equal turn with you - is pretty rubbish.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 18/03/2021 22:06

Oops, I've just read that back and realise I may be projecting a little, which wasn't my intention. Maybe other people handle it better or maybe I was just too nervous and sensitive as a child. Sorry! Blush

habibihabibi · 19/03/2021 04:17

This is a very interesting post to read.

cerseii · 19/03/2021 04:31

@Troublewaters2021

I have 2 children from previous relationship and 1 with current. My elder kids adore their baby sister.
No offence but it’s early days yet. The posters speaking of their experiences being a child in this situation are obviously not referring to the baby days. As your children age, disparities will come to light and that will be the difficult stage
Blueberrybonus · 19/03/2021 05:47

I’ve been the child from the first marriage. I loved it and hated it. I wouldn’t want it any way now as I have three lovely half siblings. It has been hard best times. But life can be hard in families for many different reasons.
I think the key is trying to make things equal for all the kids

LeaveTheHamster · 19/03/2021 10:32

In my experience the really well adjusted blended families I know were when the bio dad wasn't in the picture at all and the kids were basically adopted by new partner (usually at a young age). I have quite a few families in my extended family where I have found out as an adult that the oldest is technically a half sibling.

pabloescobarselasticband · 19/03/2021 10:33

@FilthyforFirth

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.
This ^
ukgift2016 · 19/03/2021 10:43

I have a DD (8) from a previous marriage, and I am now pregnant with my new partner baby.

We are a family unit, my DD only sees her bio dad one day a week for 5 hours. My partner sees my DD as his own and we are only planning to have the one child together. So together, they will be each other only sibling (apart from DD half brother who lives 6 hours away)

I think if we had a second child together, that would likely push my DD out more.

I am happy I am giving my DD a younger sister and a stable family home.

theleafandnotthetree · 19/03/2021 10:44

@Originalusername01

Thank you everyone for the replies. I wouldn't say I wanted a child I'm with but I always saw myself with 3 -4 kids but looks like I will stop at 2. I couldn't deal with the guilt and looks like a lot of you feel the same and same views. I can't complain...I have two beautiful children and I'm happy happy our life and don't want to change it x
I think you've answered your own question here OP. I'm broadly in agreement with others, I think focus on and enjoy what you have rather than changing the dynamics for an unpredictable outcome.
Original poster
Originalusername01 · 19/03/2021 11:46

Thank you everyone for the replies. It's been interesting reading everyone opinions and experiences. I didn't realise how many people felt so strongly about blended families. It is a shame but I've had a chat chat my partner and have told him I do not see having any more children in the future. Its not fair to lead him on as he Still might want his own biological children. We will see what happens now.

OP posts:
RevolvingPivot · 19/03/2021 12:11

@ukgift2016 you don't know that though. If you split with your second child's father he may go onto have more kids.

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