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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

2 kids already...another one by a different dad?

139 replies

Originalusername01 · 16/03/2021 13:00

Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation and how it worked for you. So I have two school aged children and divorced from their dad. We have joint custody which really works for us. Have been in a new relationship for a while and potentially see a future with him which includes children. How has this worked for you if this is your situation? I feel like potentially my children would be upset that I have a new baby with me all the time but they only see me 50% percent of the time. Also I'm in my early 30s if that makes a difference. All advice welcome. Its been playing on my mind a lot.

OP posts:

Thislittlefinger123 · 17/03/2021 20:15

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it

This. Definitely. Sadly for the adults who might want another child, it's never in the best interests of the existing children IMO. Sorry OP

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 17/03/2021 20:16

My first marriage ended when my dc were very young and I went on to remarry my dh when my children were 10 & 6.
My one non negotiable was I wouldn't be able to give him a biological child and I asked him to walk away if there was any doubt in his mind as I was determined to stick to this!

I've worked in primary school for many years and have seen many times the effect a new baby has on a child, particularly if it is in the home they reside in most.
I wanted my two dc to be the centre of my world and their stepdads too and I knew if we had our own child, the dynamic would change.

They are now 16 & 20 and I'm so glad I made the decision I did.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 17/03/2021 20:19

@Thislittlefinger123

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it

This. Definitely. Sadly for the adults who might want another child, it's never in the best interests of the existing children IMO. Sorry OP

This is so true!! If dh & I had decided to have a baby, it would have purely for our benefit!

minniemoocher · 17/03/2021 20:23

I'm interested - those saying don't because of childhood experiences, are you happily in a relationship or are you depriving yourself of happiness?

I'm older but if circumstances were different I couldn't see myself not having a relationship including another child because I can be fair

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 17/03/2021 20:24

I'm glad you're reconsidering having more children but also think about how fair it is to move this man into your children's home. Personally I wouldn't cohabit until the children were in a position to move out.

Sceptre86 · 17/03/2021 20:26

Its a difficult one i am 34 and have two kids and am expecting a 3rd. After this one I am done having kids. If dh and I split I will still be done having kids and a potential new partner would be told my stance straight away.

A lot of posters who have gone on to have kids with subsequent partners will naturally feel defensive and say that their kids love their siblings. I'm sure most do but until the kids are older and feel able to think back and articulate their feelings of their childhood you won't know if they felt any resentment or werever unhappy with the new family dynamic.

Merrymumoftwo · 17/03/2021 20:29

I’ve been both sides. My parents split up and my stepmother was the other woman. They had two children together and I never told any of them how much I hated my dad and resented my two half siblings. Even today the don’t realise that the reason I stay away isn’t that I’m busy but because I still despise my father for his lies. I have a son from my first marriage he was an adult when his half sister was born and admits that although he doesn’t hate her he is jealous of her. We had family therapy and I wanted to ensure he knew he was still important. I would say go into it with eyes open and be mindful that your children from the first relationship will likely feel pushed out.

Teardrop2021 · 17/03/2021 20:32

Tbh op i think MN can have a biased view when it comes to blending families. From my own experience its been completely fine however I understand circumstances are different. I had ds from a previous relationship ex left me when DS was 1, he had an affair with his ex gf at the time. We were only 22 at time so young. A year later I got with DH we had went to school together and further down the line we had DD when DS was 5. There was no issues I had moved on and so had ex I got married and then he later got married and we are both with our long term partners now its now been over 10 years. I have since had another DS and they had DD. DS1 is completely happy and has two family units which he is actively a part of both. He holidays with both of us and celebrates Christmas and birthday with both families.

I would hate to think my chance of having that family unit would have been denied due to the circumstances where by ex cheated and left me to be a single mother. It completely depends on the relationships with step parents and existing children to be honest.

Teardrop2021 · 17/03/2021 20:34

Also it might be easier as DS doesn't remember a time before both of his step parents. He was 2 when they came into his life.

istherelifeafter40 · 17/03/2021 20:49

Totally disagree with the majority voice here. I think the life the parent leads is VERY important for the child and their future life. If the parent is capable to form a strong relationship after the breakdown of a previous one, and brave enough to have more children, and can be happy and trust people again, it is very important for the child. I hate the way my mother sacrificed everything for me. I wished she put herself first, maybe then it wouldn't have been so hard for me to learn to put myself first.

It's easier to stay put, not venture into new life and defend this as doing "the best" for the children. This is bullshit. The best for the children is to happy happy and fulfilled parents, not parents mutilating their life on the basis of some idea of what would be good for their children

writingsonthewall · 17/03/2021 20:49

I'm surprised to read all these. My parents split and when I was 5 and my brother was 8 my mum had another son with my stepdad. He felt like a normal brother growing up and still does. He used to be annoyed when we went to our dads as he wanted to go too!

Redburnett · 17/03/2021 20:54

You should prioritise your existing children. No one WANTS to be in a family where the children have two different Dads.

PRsecrets · 17/03/2021 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowdaz · 17/03/2021 21:38

I had a challenging time growing up, but this was because of the people I lived with, not necessarily because it was a blended family.

It really just depends. I had a bad time and I'm still resentful. But it could have been different. I'm not being single for 20yrs and forfeiting the chance at more kids.

However it's very important that my DP gets along with DD, and I'd never be with someone she didn't get on with

Milkshake7489 · 17/03/2021 22:00

@istherelifeafter40

That's really interesting. My mum waited until we left home to pursue a serious relationship but it has had the opposite effect on me.

I think it gave me the confidence to only accept a really really great relationship, because I'd seen first hand that it was possible to be happy and fulfilled without a man.

When I read stories on here of women accepting that they do the majority of the housework/ never get a break from childcare/ put up with partners who treat them badly or can't stand up to their own family, I'm even more grateful for that lesson!

My mum never acted like a martyr though (didn't know she'd actively chosen to concentrate on us instead of pursuing a new relationship until I was an adult). Maybe i would have felt differently if she had.

Anyway, I don't think having a new partner is necessarily a bad thing (as long as it's done carefully and considerately). I have a stepmum and older stepsiblings who I adore. I just think that adding new children to the mix is often not in the best interests of the existing or future children...

istherelifeafter40 · 17/03/2021 22:20

@Milkshake7489
I really didn't mean that people can only be fulfilled in a partnership, and even much less that a woman can only be fulfilled with a man. Of course not

A lot of people need companionship, trust, care. A good respectful relationship is enriching - I accept that maybe for some people solitude is better, but equally for many people good partnership can be a source of great happiness.

I think if you are lucky to have a partner like this, it is a great example for children. It will help them intuitively see what features to avoid in people when choosing own partner, what never to accept, - it will lay out their normal in a healthy way

Of course I agree with you, not every partner is a good one and it's not worth having someone just for the sake of not being alone. But I firmly believe - and it is true of me - that what has the most profound effect on children is how their parents live their own life, not the ideas they have about how to make their children happy.

I am glad that your history helped you. I see many examples when - especially girls raised by mothers with absent or shitty fathers - can't form partnerships and unhappy about it, keep choosing shit partners, etc I am sure it's not great for boys either

Crabbypaddy · 18/03/2021 10:33

Some of these comments hahaha. I have a daughter from when I was 18 met a new partner (who I have been with since she was 2) and have had another son. There is an 8 year gap between them and their bond is amazing, her little brother idolises her and she fusses over him constantly. So what a load of rubbish from previous posters ha.

ErickBroch · 18/03/2021 10:42

Weird responses IMO! I was born. Parents split up. Both re-married and had more kids. So technically, I was the odd one out? Never, ever felt like it. All my siblings and I are extremely close and I have never felt left out of anything.

ErickBroch · 18/03/2021 10:43

Oh and yes - 8 year gap with one and 16 year age gap with another. All great! I love them all so much.

Planty13 · 18/03/2021 10:48

I wouldn’t either. I wouldn’t want my current children to feel put out and a decision to choose to have a blended family seems odd to me. It’s all good and well saying “oh my kids and their half siblings get on great” but in most cases it causes resentment and you literally have to idea how it’s going to play out. It is a selfish decision where the adults are only thinking of themselves and then the kids get all wrapped up in it.

It’s a personal choice and I’m sure it works out for some.

Shelovesamystery · 18/03/2021 10:52

@FilthyforFirth

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.

Absolutely this!

I know too many people who seem to think that a relationship isn't a "proper" relationship until you have a baby together. It's always the kids that suffer when one or both of their parents have this mentality.

CatsHairEverywhere · 18/03/2021 10:53

Have 3, 2 eldest to their dad and youngest to my partner. Older 2 don’t feel pushed out, excluded or unwanted. They love their sibling and despite the big age gap are really hands on with playing etc.

But I understand where you’re coming from. Only reason there’s such a big age gap between older two and youngest is because I was in their position as a child and did feel excluded and unwanted (but my mother treated me like I was dog crap so that had a lot to do with it).

When we made the decision to have another we included my older two as much as possible during the pregnancy. After youngest arrived we made sure I still got time alone without baby to spend with them and always made sure I never missed anything important to them bar one school play that was at the same time as youngests operation that couldn’t be rescheduled. I think how you treat your existing child after a new baby comes along makes the world of difference.

Tangledtresses · 18/03/2021 10:55

Lots of very judgmental posts on here....

I have 2 children with different dads...

Weird that someone would think I should've stayed single and not had another child.
First partner left when my son was 18 months old, left me with huge debts and basically awful. Working full time, skint, lonely.

I met a new partner and started again 5 years later.

We have a lovely life now... financially secure, as I was able to start my own business.
Eldest loves his younger brother who is 7, and I'd say they are happy with a good future to look forward to.

If I had stayed single and not had another child it would be miserable and bloody hard work!

tiredmum2468 · 18/03/2021 10:56

I work with a girl who had 4 children
2 from first marriage
1 from a very short relationship
1 from another failed relationship
The older 2 see their Dad regularly who takes them on lovely holidays and had s beautiful house and the younger 2 don't even see their fathers

It's not an ideal situation and she is constantly stressed by it

I think you have to ask "why" you feel the need to have another baby and how this will impact your children

I'm with everyone saying blended families aren't a great idea I wouldn't do it

Bumblebee1980a · 18/03/2021 10:56

@FilthyforFirth

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.

This. Also based on my own experiences too. Both my biological parents went on to have other children. Always felt like the outsider (for good reason).

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