2 kids already...another one by a different dad?

[Originalusername01]

Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation and how it worked for you. So I have two school aged children and divorced from their dad. We have joint custody which really works for us. Have been in a new relationship for a while and potentially see a future with him which includes children. How has this worked for you if this is your situation? I feel like potentially my children would be upset that I have a new baby with me all the time but they only see me 50% percent of the time. Also I'm in my early 30s if that makes a difference. All advice welcome. Its been playing on my mind a lot.

My parents split up when I was little. My dad remarried and mum didn't have a serious relationship until i had left home.

Despite having a great relationship with both parents and my stepmum, I was terrified one of them would have a baby (really wish someone had told me it was 100% not on the cards!).

I'm sure it works out fine for some families, but I had known too many people feel like they weren't as much 'part of the family' as the new children to want it for myself.

As an adult I worry for the new child too. Your basically left with a choice of compensating for the fact that the younger child is with you 100% of the time and has both parents together by giving more attention to the older children and saving fun activities for when they are all there...

Or you don't compensate and risk the older children feeling left out and wondering why you can't concentrate on them in the limited time they are with you.

(Then there's the additional sticking points like what if the older children get taken on fantastic holidays by their other parent/how do you keep inheritance and gifts fair etc.).

All in all I wouldn't do it myself.

I've found three responses very interesting as I have 8yo DS from marriage which ended when he was 1yo and now have a partner and 2yo and newborn. For now the relationships all seem very positive and my 8yo adores his siblings even says it's so much better they are here otherwise it would be just him and I. Now I'm wanting to ensure that this remains the case and don't want anyone to feel excluded or hard done by both now and later on in life. Does anyone have any positive pointers so I can make sure this is the case.

I have 2 children from previous relationship and 1 with current. My elder kids adore their baby sister.

It really isn't fair on the kids you have, especially as you share custody. They will feel very pushed out.

Also I think three it's quite a difficult number to manage even with full siblings as you often get 2 against 1. Most of the time the pair often swap depending on the fall out, however I imagine the older, full siblings, who spend the most time together will stick together.

I have had the same parents throughout my life.
I am a parent who had two children by two different fathers. There was a big age difference.
If I had my time over again I would not have done that, the new partner and the new child. It was the classic "If I had known then what I know now" situation. They have both grown up and moved on to their own lives.
Looking back I can see what was wrong but at the time I dont think I was totally aware.

I am another one whose older half siblings resent me.

I’ve recently separated and we have 2 DC age 6 and 3. I already know that I don’t want more children, partly because I’m just done with having babies but also because I don’t want my DC to feel sidelined. I’m open to dating again when the time is right - but I’m not convinced I’ll move in with a new partner again. At least not until my DC are adults

As a generalisation lots people round here have more children as their current partner doesnt have children. I know several that would have been happy ot to have more children but their partner didnt have any so wanted a child

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.

This x1000.

I always wonder how those kids feel sent to the other parents house when the half siblings stay with mum or dad all the time. Also the feeling left out and favoritism from extended families or new partners. Most important I think these kids literally have NO say in these issues brought onto them.

It's interesting that there are few comments from people that have children by different partners.

I think it is very rarely the right thing to do and if you do do it you have to have been with the new partner a long time before even considering it.the very worst thing is when it 2 kids by 2 partners and you aren't with either of them so you ship them off to different places at the weekends.

The only person I know you appears to have made it successfully work had been married to their new partner for 6 years before they had a child and they do appear fairly rock solid.

I hate seeing people have a child, leave the relationship 2 years later and within a couple of years they have another child by another man. So so awful for the children involved. It shows no stability and no example for conducting relationships.

@FilthyforFirth

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.

Exactly this, there’s just no way I’d consider it. Wouldn’t have a live in partner either with small kids but that’s just my opinion.

It obviously works out for alot of families but that's only known after the new children are here. Can't be undone.
I would also worry about the guilt and logistics.

There are a lot of considerations there. I am the step mum who had a baby with my husband. He has an older DC. It has unfortunately negatively affected the relationship that my husband has with his son but this stems from his ex repeatedly telling him that his sister is more loved and more privileged. I had a difficult end to the pregnancy and traumatic birth (we nearly lost the baby) so there are a lot of emotions there to. I don't regret having my daughter and I was always honest with my husband that I wanted at least 1 child of my own (his son is a teen already) and I feel like if it wasn't our baby then something else would have been an issue - a job, a move, a holiday, anything in life. You would need to feel very confident that your ex will continue to positively coparent .

NC for this.
It's sad reading this when you do have a family that's blended. I don't think anyone plans on a blended family surely.
I often feel so embarrassed and almost ashamed of my situation (The Dentist is the worst) it makes me feel a few degrees hotter when I think about it. I wouldn't judge anyone though as you just don't know the circumstances.

I had DS1 young, thought we were very happy. Good jobs, amazing house, very wealthy. It looked great on the outside - he developed a drug addiction and used to go out for days at a time the final straw was drugs on the floor in my home with my crawling baby.
He had no intention of changing and hasn't really over a decade later.
Met DS2 dad. Seemed perfect though he was insistent on having his own child now I look back it was a red flag however at the time I didn't see it. He started beating me when I was pregnant until I left when he was 2 and the CPS pressed charges and with help from the community services I started up again myself with my children.
I accepted that I would be alone and wanted to concentrate on just them. I was alone for years and we were okay.
I have one child with disabilities and my eldest took on far more responsibility in the house with helping and almost supporting me. It was a dark period and I'll feel forever guilty about that.
I found my partner. Took it slow and I'm now married. My husband is an amazing man. We couldn't be happier, he genuinely is my best friend, the children are loved by him, he takes care of us all in everyway.
I wish I had met him years and years ago of course but I never.
He has put everything into my children however he wanted a child of his own. I now have a ten week old too and we are genuinely complete.
The children don't seem "lost" or unsettled, quite the opposite they are more confident secure and happy. They're treated the same in all ways, financially included.

Some people are unlucky and some do choose their partners badly. I of course blame myself but should I have denied myself the stable and lovely family I have now to bring up my children alone out of pride for not having different dads?
If I was older, perhaps I would have stayed alone but I'm 30.
My children are loved, kind, secure I don't think for one second they feel misplaced or jealous in our home life.

I do wonder whether my family works because they're all my children and they live with us. Perhaps if my husband had his own children too it wouldn't have been the same.

This all seems a bit grim. My husband has two half sisters and two full brothers. He gets on well with his stepmother and stepfather and his sisters.

I hear a lot about blended families now and feel sorry for the kids ..

@Merryoldgoat

and also you shouldn’t keep chasing the dream of a “happy family”

I think this is probably key. The happy family ‘dream’ is the driver for most people I know who have children with multiple partners.

The reality is usually very far from the dream.

I’m a single mum of 1 child and I consider myself very much a part of a happy family!

@FilthyforFirth

Personally I wouldn't. I'm not a fan of blended families. It is always for the benefit of the adults and usually at the expense of the children who get literally no say in it.

I agree with that.

I'm suprised at the responses here - not in a bad way. In real life I feel like the expectation is to have a child with a new (long term) partner, almost to "complete" the family unit. Me and dp are often grilled on why we haven't

I'm the child from the second marriage. Both of my half brothers were much older than me. I don't know how much having younger half siblings bothered them--their real problem was with my father. As adults, my older half brother is much closer to me than his younger, full sibling, so take that as you will. I've heard of families where all the half siblings are close, but I think that a real effort has to be made to try to make this come to pass.

I was in your situation and decided against having more children and I am so glad I didn't. My children are grown up now and we have a fabulous relationship. I would be in a position with a teenager to deal with now and maybe resentments from my other DC

Look after the ones you have!

It really depends on what the stepfather is like and you can’t find that out so easily

Also please bear in mind that your children’s quality of life will be impacted even down to being disturbed at night.... I know somebody whose done this and her children are so exhausted that they’re staying half the time at their dads now... doesn’t bode well for future resentment

I think it's less what you do and more about how you handle it.

My father remarried and had two more children and they came before me (until he walked away from them too.) My mother re-partnered several times, one of her partners had teens the same age as me, they never lived with us but she made a huge fuss of them to try and win them round (she was the OW and broke their parents marriage up) and ignored me in the process. I don't like either of my parents, they are weak and emotionally underdeveloped. They are in their mid sixties now and have never grown up. If anything I feel sorry for them.

My aunt re-married and had a second child, but she and her second husband (a very decent man to whom she has been married for over 30 years) very much included her son from her first marriage in everything they did. His father was still in his life but he was never semi-detached from the new family. They are a team of 4 even now, with the parents in their seventies and the older son in his forties and the younger one late twenties.

If you go for it OP, model something like my aunt did. Good luck.

@pollylocketpickedapocket

Of course! I didn’t mean to imply otherwise.

I meant the notion that a ‘happy family’ has two parents and multiple children is a common misconception which people often chase.

It's a hard one.
I had a slightly different situation, DC1 with my ex and then 2 further children with my now DH.
DC1 frequently says how glad he is to have siblings and he enjoys spending more time here than with his dad as we feel like a family, where as his dad didn't have more children.
If I already had 2 I'm not sure I woukd have had another. But me and DH work dammed hard ensure that all of them are treated exactly the same, be it one on one time with us, monetary value of items/clothes, days out/holidays and emotional input. I think that is key to a happy blend rather than actual dynamic

I'm in this situation. 5 and 6 year age gap between older two and youngest though.
My eldest have always seen their dad regularly and he has always played a big part of their life.
Youngest doesnt see his dad but I dont think any one my dc have ever felt their families have been blended even when ds2 dad lived with us.
I could be wrong as I've never directly spoken to my dc about it but in conversations where it could of come up none of them have mentioned anything negative about being half siblings.