To consider ‘birdnesting’ when separating from DP?

[Bluebellwoodland]

Me and DP have a 3 year old DS together. We are separating and are considering the idea of ‘bird nesting’ and wondering if anyone has done similar?

Birdnesting (or nesting, as it is more commonly referred to) in a divorce or separation is where parents take turns staying in the family home. Rather than making the kids traipse back and forth between two homes, the kids stay put and the parents trade off being the "on-duty parent

I think it's hard to move on from being partners if you're both tied together this way.

You’d each need to agree duties to keep the come house clean and stocked with food, to agree on who does the children’s washing. You’d not really want to leave much of any of your own stuff there. Do you each have enough to buy a separate flat? What will be the agreement on whether any new partners can go to the shared house? Remember to think short and long term.

Where do you live when you're not in the 'nest'? Do you have to have three separate properties? Also, I'd imagine if I was separated from DH, sharing a space and basically having to live with his habits and his ways of doing things, even if he wasn't actually there, would be difficult.

but where would you go when you are not with the kids?!

I think with older dc/teens it's an excellent scenario.

With a 3yo who wont remember the "before" - no I wouldnt. Nor would I if the ex was in any way controlling/abusive etc.

I've often thought that this is the better option from a kids POV, but I wonder how realistic it is in practice. If one parent gets a new partner what happens then? Do they have to move house ever other week as well? Do their children if they have children together? Unless both parents are committed to remaining single until the kids reach 18 then I just don't see it working long term.

There was a poster on here recently that does this - she and her ex also had a caravan. So they swapped. They had a room each at the caravan.

I think it can work if:

i) you genuinely like and respect each other and are committed to co-parenting above all else.

ii) you have similar approaches to mess, cleanliness and organisation

iii) you have luxury of treating it as your DCs primary residence but not your own. You must have your own secure place where you keep most of your stuff and you merely visit the family home.

iv) the house in which you best is big enough to preferably allow you your own room where you can keep some belongings.

V) you have exceptional communication

I think it’s a great idea when children are very young but if you can manage it and I’d question why you are separating, it requires incredible levels of commitment, communication and compromise.

I can’t imagine doing that. How on earth does it work in terms of personal items?

I think as your child is 3, you're in a perfect position for a clean break and set up two homes. My kids were 4 and 7 and the now 13 year old can barely remember us all together and the now 10 year old can't at all. The really critical thing is now you manage the moving between houses. We had and still have the same arrangements consistently for the last 5 years now and the kids are fine - they have two houses. Occasional whinge from the 13 year old now but the houses are close enough for him to move between the two if needed - 15 min walk. I'd say having homes close by, parents who can co-parent and a proper home and bedroom at each place are much more important than having the child in just one home with parents coming and going. Good luck.

YANBU to consider it
YANBU to do it

But I think you'd be absolutely mad to do it

There are just WAYYYYY too many practical & emotional reasons this is a bad idea

Whilst it's not ideal for children to move between homes if you both make them feel 'at home' & make their space 'theirs' it's 'ok'
Co-parenting well is far more important than them staying in one house.

I discovered this term recently and I think it’s a brilliant idea.

I’m the child of divorced parents and my childhood was spent moving from one house to the other and I hated it. My friends in similar situations hated it too. It just seemed to me that my parents were giving it “I’m all right jack”, as they lived permanently in their new homes and yet I was the one packing up each week. I never felt I belonged anywhere, I constantly had the wrong things at the wrong house and it was just miserable. I left home at the age of 18 purely to have one place I could bloody live that didn’t involve the constant packing and moving.

Lots of children end up feeling the way I did when my parents divorced so please do the nesting. My childhood would have been so much better if my parents had done it!

Oh and of course at some point you might want to create a home with a new partner - might seem a way off yet but could happen in not that distant a future. And also, you need space of your own to recover and look forward from the space and relationship you've been in

Completely agree @Fourandtwentymilliondoors - it has to be very well managed with the parents taking whatever logistical strain needed to not make it shit for the kids

My son was 3 when my marriage broke down, he can't remember anything about the years I was with his dad and now he's 16, he has zero memory of life before my now dh! He has very hazy memories of the time I was a single parent but really doesn't remember his life much pre step parents!

What on earth would happen when you met other people? My ex dh has gone on to have 3 other children!

So you would have 3 houses between you?
I can’t see that being at all affordable or practical for most people!
Or do you also share the other house you stay at when not at the nest with DC?
What about when one of you finds a new partner in the future?

If one of the adults is a nosy control freak it will be a disaster.
And then day to day things, their clothing, shopping, utilities etc and how these will be done.

If your partner is one of those feckless idiots with their important jobs or secret hobbies that makes the drudgery impossible, it will be a disaster

Only you know if you have a decent one that actively does stuff or is a lazy waste of space.

If there is any control issues that have led to the separation, those issues won’t go away.

If I ever manage to actually tell my H I want to split this is my intention for the short term at least. I agree it has a lot of issues attached to it, but we have zero chance of affording two houses big enough for the kids to move between and still be close enough to school etc. My plan is to rent a flat that DH and I swap in and out of. It isn't ideal but at the moment I can't see an alternative short of winning the lottery.

I think it comes down to who you and your ex are as to whether it will work or not, and the reasons for your separation. If either of you are hoping for reconciliation, then I don’t think it’s a good idea at all.

As PP said, I think there needs to be rules, ie you both return to the nest with it clean and tidy.

Are you going to have separate properties or a joint one for when you’re not there? And if you can afford separate properties does a clean break now make more sense?

I’ve wondered about this but for me if I was to separate from DH I’d want to make my own home, something that feels mine and is my place to escape form the world rather than still have to consider each others wishes and likes and dislikes. If you aren’t a couple then I think compromising and agreeing on stuff like when a new tv is needed is a lot harder. I also know that with my DH even if he tried his best I’d come back to a mess each time.

@pepsicolagirl

but where would you go when you are not with the kids?!

This!

If you are financially able to both afford to buy another property in addition to the family home, fair enough. But what if your children want to come and stay with you in your other property? Would they be allowed to? What if they preferred being there to being in the family home?

What if you end up arguing about the different rules you are sure to have? What if the children want to come and live with one of you?

Can both of you afford to pay stamp duty on a second home and pay two lots of bills?

Thanks for all the replies. To a clear a couple of things up:

1. We get on well and there is no issue of abuse or anything like that, we just don’t love each other anymore and have realised our interests are completely different

2. This isn’t going to be a long, long term plan, but what we’re proposing for the short to medium term while our son still needs us both from a practical (and emotional) level. He’s a very hands on dad so no issues there.

3. We would both have a responsibility to keep the house in order, cooking, cleaning, washing and house maintenance etc.

4. For now, we’re both living with family members in between our ‘turns’ at the house.

5. We currently sleep in separate bedrooms at the house, so we’ll each have our own space when we come.

On paper it sounds great but I would worry about the practicalities and the future. It’s unlikely to work when/if you both get new partners and more children are introduced into the equation. Ultimately it might just delaying the inevitable.

I have no experience of this but I imagine it could only work if both the separating partners are genuinely good, nice people who hold no ill-will towards one another and are happy to continue to be supportive and respectful of one another and share lives very openly despite being no longer in a relationship.

Is your ex really that mature and unselfish? Are you?

It's a lovely idea but in most break-ups among people I know it wouldn't have worked.

Either you would have to share two homes - both the "with child" and "without child" place - and would then have no privacy from one another (You would both need to be practically saints for that to work). or you would have to maintain 3 homes between the two of you, which would only be financially feasible for extremely the wealthy - and then keep the "child" home free of anything personal that you didn't want to share with the ex, which would make it quite an artificial environment for the child to grow up in because your child-free "base" would be your home that was personal to you as an individual, and the shared home wouldn't feel like a real home to any of you.

Your child is young enough that if you split now, in a few years he won't remember you ever living together as a family.

I can't see any benefits to this with such a young child, and I got divorced when my child was 3.