Page 5 | To consider ‘birdnesting’ when separating from DP?

Bluebellwoodland · 2021-03-15T08:58:55+00:00

Me and DP have a 3 year old DS together. We are separating and are considering the idea of ‘bird nesting’ and wondering if anyone has done similar? *Birdnesting (or nesting, as it is more commonly referred to) in a divorce or separation is where parents take turns staying in the family home. Rather than making the kids traipse back and forth between two homes, the kids stay put and the parents trade off being the "on-duty parent*

Didoofcarthage · 15/03/2021 14:12

Hi Shufflebudge - well, I think my lawyers were great (but I would say that anyway ………) but the ex wanted to go through right to the final court day - it was my ex’s lawyers who were begging him not too.

Basically a complicated divorce with pensions and inheritances (possible) on both sides. I agree with you - keep it amicable, don’t waste money on barristers.
I think my point to the poster - think about how your ex (and yourself) is going to be within the context of actually divorcing. For instance the paperwork is insane - so much of it, and it’s a wobbly time - personally a lot of distance from my ex at that time suited me.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 15/03/2021 14:21

I agree it couldn't work with a total selfish arse like this

The difficulty is that you don't know how a partner will turn out once they become an ex. In my DSis's case, the ex was ok when they were together but became difficut when she wanted to leave (no cheating/abuse on either side, she just realized she made a mistake marrying him as they were so different, different life expectations etc).
I think divorce make a lot of people become 'difficult', not necessarily on purpose.

TeensWithCrackedScreens · 15/03/2021 14:29

In my opinion clean break is a fiction if you have a child but if that's what you need to try for, then go for it. Otherwise this arrangement could be a benefit - for the child at least.

My parents split when I was 2. All very amicable and they get on fine to this day (40 years later). I hated the two homes thing and left at 17. Clearly, that was my choice and my parents didn't owe me a single home growing up.

So in summary: your child may not like it but they will move on when they need to - as long as you understand that, just do what you want!

theleafandnotthetree · 15/03/2021 14:46

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee

I agree it couldn't work with a total selfish arse like this

The difficulty is that you don't know how a partner will turn out once they become an ex. In my DSis's case, the ex was ok when they were together but became difficut when she wanted to leave (no cheating/abuse on either side, she just realized she made a mistake marrying him as they were so different, different life expectations etc).
I think divorce make a lot of people become 'difficult', not necessarily on purpose.

I think that is absolutely the case. My ex said and did things I would have thought him incapable of and I cant say I always covered myself in glory either. I think it is the situation, having to sort out money, other people taking sides, the freedom to say what you actually think, etc that can change people and dynamics quite profoundly. I smile to myself when I hear people say things like "If we ever seperated I know he would never...." or "She's a great mother and would always be amicable for the childrens sake". I think 'you have no idea'

nanbread · 15/03/2021 14:49

If you're truly amicable, just both live / stay in the house day to day but have "respite" time away sometimes eg on a three week rotation at weekends with you both having a weekend away then a weekend all together.

Or is that not feasible?

eeek88 · 15/03/2021 16:06

I know a family who do it but their circumstances are different to yours because

the kids are teenagers so it won’t be forever
one parent swiftly met a long-term partner who they live with when not in the family home, while the other (who does most of the parenting) has a lot of family nearby

As time has passed and the kids have got older, the parent with the partner has gradually stepped back while the other parent has taken on more responsibilities and seems more at home in the house. It seems to work. But the situation isn’t really comparable to yours.

Mylovelyhorsee · 15/03/2021 16:38

I think it’s a lovely idea.

theleafandnotthetree · 15/03/2021 16:43

@Mylovelyhorsee

I think it’s a lovely idea.

A lovely IDEA...maybe. The practical reality maybe not so much.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 15/03/2021 16:46

What I'd future partners don't want to do this?

Fine as a temporary/short term arrangement but can't see how it would work long-term.

LexMitior · 15/03/2021 16:54

@canigooutyet

If one of the adults is a nosy control freak it will be a disaster. And then day to day things, their clothing, shopping, utilities etc and how these will be done.

If your partner is one of those feckless idiots with their important jobs or secret hobbies that makes the drudgery impossible, it will be a disaster

Only you know if you have a decent one that actively does stuff or is a lazy waste of space.

If there is any control issues that have led to the separation, those issues won’t go away.

Yes! Half the reason you may get divorced is that! I wouldn’t have been against it had my ex not hacked my email and constantly attempted to get involved in my new life.

whateverhappenstomorrow · 15/03/2021 19:10

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee

I agree it couldn't work with a total selfish arse like this

The difficulty is that you don't know how a partner will turn out once they become an ex. In my DSis's case, the ex was ok when they were together but became difficut when she wanted to leave (no cheating/abuse on either side, she just realized she made a mistake marrying him as they were so different, different life expectations etc).
I think divorce make a lot of people become 'difficult', not necessarily on purpose.

Well if they are becoming total arses when you talk about splitting, you know it won't work. So not quite sure what your point is?

whateverhappenstomorrow · 15/03/2021 19:18

@peak2021

I would support the idea if it was for a defined period of time, say to avoid a child moving school, or until exams, but not otherwise.

Living not too far away from each other seems the best option to me.

Not everyone has a full range of choices open to them though. The choice of buying a second family home close to the original family home will not be open to everyone. A point that seems to be lost on a quite a few posters on this thread.

Most parents make most decisions on that basis because putting a child through various different scenarios just so you can say you’ve tried it isn’t good for a child’s well-being

Literally no-one is suggesting that. You just made that up. Yes parents do make decisions based on what they think is best for their children. But when posters on this thread say they think this option is best for THEIR children and situation they are told they are wrong (like the unpleasant poster who told me I was not thinking of my children at all), yet posters who think it is a bad idea for their children are given the grace of knowing what is best for them and theirs.

Sceptre86 · 15/03/2021 19:27

For the short term I think it could work as there is no animosity between the two of you. I don't think it is a long term solution as presumably you will both want to see other people at some point in the future and your ds will have to get used to seeing you in separate homes. Kids are incredibly resilient and at 3 years old I think you might find your ds doesn't question it and manages quite well compared to an older child. The good thing is that both of you are being very 'adult' about it all which is good for yourselves and your ds. Best of luck.

BotanyBetty · 17/03/2021 12:31

I'm with @whateverhappenstomorrow. Not all separating couples have pots of money. If DH and I split we'd each only have enough for a 2 bed flat to shuttle 3 kids between. I'd definitely consider it myself - at the very least they wouldn't suddenly find themselves sharing one room miles away from their mates! But my kids are a bit older and DH is very clean and tidy so I know he wouldn't leave a shit tip.

I think it's a very grown up solution if you can make it work and set down some ground rules from the start.

TheShudderingDentist · 17/03/2021 12:44

@CookieClub please don’t worry. My dad moved out when I was 10. I lived with my mother primarily but also stayed at my dad’s sometimes too. I never once felt like I didn’t have stability, liked having two different houses to visit and have a fantastic relationship with both parents. I didn’t move out of my mum’s house until I was 26! Please don’t worry

sashamc · 17/03/2021 14:12

OP thank you for posting this, it has certainly given me food for thought. This is how I have been living for the last 8/9 months and I'm now starting to think about what the next step might be. I had always considered it to be in the best interests of my children but some of the points of view have really made me think. Agree with having 2 places to tidy rather than 1 too!...

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/03/2021 14:21

I can imagine this being more useful if you have more and older DCs. A 3 yo is a bit more ‘portable’ than an older child.

Where staying in the family home makes it easy for the DC to walk to school, hang out with friends, have their XBox etc on hand, I can see why it helps. Sometimes I will go away for the weekend/a weeks holiday, and instead of the DC going to stay at XHs, he will come here for a couple of days so the kids aren’t disrupted.

If it was a permanent thing I’d find it quite annoying, as I have to change the bed, clean (he’s fussy!), go through the fridge and throw out things that I’d deem ok but he’ll judge me for, and it would mean having his stuff here all the time, so difficult to emotionally move on. Would need to be a very equal and even split with strong boundaries to make it work.

DP’s ex visits their DC at his house and stays over when he comes to mine. It’s hard on a new relationship to know that the ex is sharing space - even if not at the same time! - with your partner. When I go to his house and her wine glass is on the side and it smells of her perfume it makes me feel really annoyed that’s she’s been there and has made it hard for me to make a place for myself in his family.

As a starting point with such a young child I’d say it’s better to have two homes, with clothes at each, preferably close by so that your DC doesn’t have to choose between friends and parents as they grow up.

Jenasaurus · 28/03/2021 14:39

I have not heard of Bird nesting before, how would you split the cost of the bills etc, would it be 50/50. I guess it could work but in the end you would need to be wealthy enough to afford 2 properties between you.

Jenasaurus · 28/03/2021 14:40

Sorry I meant 3 properties not 2

Toomuchleopard · 20/04/2021 11:24

Really interesting to find this thread as we are just doing the exact same thing. We have a rented two bedroom flat (not moved in yet) where we will alternate a week each and a week at the family home. The reason for doing this is mainly financial. We have a joint business and for various reasons our mortgage affordability is massively reduced currently. In about 15 months this will have ended so I anticipate that we will sell the family home then and buy a place each. Where we live is expensive and in a great location for 2 different schools that the kids attend. We have three kids so to buy two big enough houses in a suitable area will be expensive and we can't do it at the moment. Renting a big enough house is also extremely expensive.
This way the kids have minimal disturbance and the costs are affordable. We get on pretty well we just can't live together any longer and need our own space. The place we are renting has 2 bedrooms so we can have our own rooms. We are going to do the swap over on a friday as neither of us work then to allow us to get each place clean and tidy and ready for the next person. This is all new as we haven't started doing it yet. I'm hopeful it will work out and will be the best outcome for the kids. Ultimately it will be a temporary solution. I can't see us doing it longer than 18 months.