To consider ‘birdnesting’ when separating from DP?

[Bluebellwoodland]

Me and DP have a 3 year old DS together. We are separating and are considering the idea of ‘bird nesting’ and wondering if anyone has done similar?

Birdnesting (or nesting, as it is more commonly referred to) in a divorce or separation is where parents take turns staying in the family home. Rather than making the kids traipse back and forth between two homes, the kids stay put and the parents trade off being the "on-duty parent

I think given the circumstances you’ve set out, it is worth a shot. As long as you both go into this with your eyes wide open, appreciate niggles will arise that neither of you had thought of in advance.

Also, you should clearly set out terms on which you can renegotiate The status. And I would make it very clear to your DS that whilst this arrangement works for now, it might change and if it does, all is still ok, the family might just have to change their plans to ensure everyone is happy.

It worked for acquaintances of mine for a couple of years. Crucially (I think) both of them had checked out of the marriage a long time ago and were only staying together for the kids anyway. That meant there was no heat or emotion in the decision at all.

They had a bedroom each at the former family home, one rented a flat and one stayed with family.

I think they're rethinking now though (I don't know them that well) because they need to move on, he wants to buy a home and that means selling the family home. Unless you're absolutely loaded and can afford three properties out of the 'pot' it can only ever be a temp solution I think.

I tend to agree that if you have one DC who is 3, you're putting off the inevitable and basically planning two major upheavals for them. Might be easier to rip the band-aid off now, once and for all?

At the start, it might seem like a good idea. It might even work. But when does it stop? At what age is the child old enough to deal with you living separately? When they can drive and visit when they like? When they leave home completely?

Also, although it might not seem like something either of you want right now, there's a chance (quite a high one!) that one or both of you will meet someone else. Those partners are probably not going to be happy with this situation. You may even have more children, which will complicate things more.

What's most important is that your child feels secure and loved, and equally as 'at home' in both of your homes.

Make sure there is a lovely bedroom at both places, that the child knows where everything is in the 'new' house, that they're allowed friends over etc, and that's it's not just visiting, it genuinely is two homes.

I actually think doing things the way you suggest could cause more problems than it solves in the long term, unfortunately, and would only ever work if both you and your DP signed a vow of celibacy to say you'd never want to be with anyone else ever again.

Also - I think it would actually be worse for the child for their parent to have another home that they didn't find familiar. When they get older they're going to have to visit their parent at their other home, and at that point they just won't feel at home there.

I couldn't do this - keeping children happy couldn't come at the expense of my security, rest and need for a safe home.

My home is very much my nest - I couldn't have an ex partner in it, farting in the bed, spitting into my sink, scratching his hair into my carpet.

I couldn't live in my child's home - they live in mine.

Although this is something I'm considering doing myself, I think if I was OP with one younger DC I would go for a clean break, as it's much more likely to be financially possible to sell the family home and get two places that can accommodate one parent and one child. And the DC is young so as PP have said is likely to adapt very quickly.

In my situation I have two DC and they are older - young teen and older primary child. I'm completely stuck as to how we would afford two houses big enough that don't necessitate moving to a completely new, much cheaper area (which I think is not possible because of school/family/support network etc)? How do people manage it financially? Our family home is worth around £600,000 (max) with around £350/400K equity. A house big enough for an adult and two kids is at the very least £400K (or an absolute minimum of £1500 pm rent - probably closer to £1800) - neither of us could afford the necessary mortgage/rent on our individual salaries.

I appreciate this sounds very poor me - I don't feel sorry for myself in reality - I know there are plenty of people struggling and in a much tougher position, I am just explaining how I've come to think that nesting could work on a practical level where you'd be looking to do a roughly 50/50 split of childcare.

Little things like choosing pictures to hang up, or when you need new furniture or dishes or whatever it may be, would be a very different experience. It would be easy for the family home to become a museum piece.

Starting two fresh homes at this stage will give your DC a chance to be part of those households from the outset. Not that you'd ever mean to cut them out but if one of you meets a new partner, it would be like you have a whole second life the DC aren't really involved in. If you eventually decided you did need to change the situation you'd have to suddenly integrate them and I think it might be more jarring.

I think it sounds like a great idea but the more I think about it the more I have doubts. I think it might work better for older kids. At 3 you can manage everything for your son and he won't remember the split. If you get on well and communicate then it can be a happy and amiable divorce. The nesting scenario seems to be saving problems up for the future; namely what happens when one of you finds a new long term partner. You may be a long way off but inevitably it will
Happen. I don't think it would be healthy for a partner to be involved in this; they may have their own children or just want their own space (which is completely understandable). Basically then your child's world gets completely changed and they can no longer do the nesting thing and they will see it as mum or dads new partner causing it. They'll also be older then (maybe 6 or 7) which would put them
Essentially through a split at an older age. You sound like you get on so maybe just commit to really well communicated co parenting and sort it all out now and your DC will
Have no confusion or difficulties stored up. I could really see this only working well for older teen children who come and go a lot themselves and their parents could commit to putting their lives on hold until they move out which may only be a few years.

We sort of did this at first, we had new partners and actually just shared the family home for a while and stayed away a lot. I've completely moved now but own the house, he splits his time. It works best if you are in good terms and still spend time together

My DH and his ex started out amicably and did this for around 18 months post separation. It worked ok for the first few months but as time went on and they naturally became more emotionally detached from each other (not in a cold way, just in a "no longer in a relationship" kind of way) it became harder and harder to live in an environment infused with the other person's presence/influence. You need that distance/separation in order to move on (I don't mean with a new partner, but from the relationship). It might work ok as a very short term transition but no longer than that.

I could see it for age ~14+, where it's just for a few years of stability while they do GCSEs/A Levels and stay near their friends, and they're old enough to understand it.

At 3 a child is easily young enough for it not to be a disruption to have two seperate homes and presumably you're both young enough you might want to remarry/have other children so doing this for X years puts that on hold for a while. I wouldn't in your situation.

My best friend broke up with her husband in lockdown 1, they have been doing this with their 4 yo Girl twins for about 6 months, and although in some ways it worked, it took a massive mental toll on my friend and her EXDH has now got his own place as she couldn't keep on the way it was. I believe it was the fact that on the weekends when she was out the house, she was either staying with friends/family or Air B&B's but she basically had no real down time, couldn't relax at other peoples homes, having to live out of suitcases etc, having no "home comforts" so to speak. Maybe try it for a bit and if it works great, but if not then re-think.

I can see that there are specific circumstances where this would be a good option (older kids where its a case of maintaining this arrangement for a few years until they leave home) but it just doesn't strike me as a viable long term option, particularly if you aren't wealthy enough to maintain three homes across the two of you.

To work, things would need to be so amicable and your views on home maintenance and housework so similar that frankly you'd be just as well separating romantically but continuing to co-parent in the same house - at least then you'd have a stable household and the financial upside of only running one home, as well as the benefits of having another parent around full time.

That said, I'm not convinced that either of these is necessarily a great long-term solution - if you are choosing to separate, there's probably a reason, and if either of you want to pursue another relationship in the future (even if that's years off) then either of the above arrangements will make life so complicated. Your child is young enough that they will adapt very quickly to having two households - if you decide to birdnest you are either signing up for another 15 years or so of this or else you are kicking the can down the road to a time when your child will be older and will likely struggle a lot more with the change.

My DD has two homes. If there are logistical issues, with stuff at the wrong house, me and my ex sort it out between us and ferry things across behind the scenes.

With the scenario you describe, for some reason I imagine the child would have no home, as it is the adults who make the home and give it the sense of permanence for the child.

I am planning to do this and find it interesting that those who are so against it have never tried it, but there are accounts of children preferring it and of children hating the two homes thing.

I could never afford a house near to my children's schools. So my plan is to get myself in a situation to buy a small flat that will be mine, but me and my ExH will use when we are not in the family home. It would be ideal if we could have a separate flat each, but that's not likely to happen. I have no intention of starting a relationship with a man who would live with me, as I wouldn't want to do that to the children. If ExH finds a partner (unlikely) he is free to move in with her if he wants.

I think the advantages for the children in maintaining their neighbourhood friendships and one stable home are huge. It also saves a lot of money that we can invest in the children and their future. And, financially, its our only realistic chance of separating.

Christ no.

For this to work you'd need the ex partner to be kind, capable, fully a team wrt to parenting and never nosing in your business. If that was the case you'd likely have never split.

I agree with the clean break people. Only time I see this working is short-term with teenagers who are in exam years and the like and need that stability for a few years. With a 3-year-old, there's just no way you can expect to maintain that for 15 years.

@whateverhappenstomorrow

I am planning to do this and find it interesting that those who are so against it have never tried it, but there are accounts of children preferring it and of children hating the two homes thing.

I could never afford a house near to my children's schools. So my plan is to get myself in a situation to buy a small flat that will be mine, but me and my ExH will use when we are not in the family home. It would be ideal if we could have a separate flat each, but that's not likely to happen. I have no intention of starting a relationship with a man who would live with me, as I wouldn't want to do that to the children. If ExH finds a partner (unlikely) he is free to move in with her if he wants.

I think the advantages for the children in maintaining their neighbourhood friendships and one stable home are huge. It also saves a lot of money that we can invest in the children and their future. And, financially, its our only realistic chance of separating.

There are also accounts of children being very upset that they don't know where their parent lives when they aren't with them and are never living in their parent's actual home with them. You are thinking what is best for you financially and not thinking of your children at all.

It’s not a good idea in my opinion as there’s just not much point to it and getting your son used to two homes is far easier at 3 than it is at 8. Just ensure your child has enough stuff at both houses and certainly don’t get them to ‘pack’ for the other house like a poster above had to. And live very close to each other.

My son moves between houses of me and my ex - we get on very well - and he loves having two homes - in fact he said he felt sorry for the children that don’t as they must get bored!

I think two homes very close together is a better solution. Two flats in a single block or houses in adjoining streets. Easier said than done but still makes it easy to move between parents and pop back and forth.

I knew someone whose parents did this when she was 10 or so, it worked really well. Of course you have to be able to afford it and find two places near each other.

Personally, I can't think of anything worse.

Your son is young enough to adapt to two homes without too much drama or upset - he won't really remember you both living together so keeping the status quo going doesn't really help anyone.

I think it would be much easier to get two homes close by and make a clean break for your son's sake, and for yours too.

I can see the logic of it on paper, however it feels so temporary. It also doesn't model what a permanent home would look like because neither of the parents will really be putting down proper roots there, it's always a half a home to both of the parents. Ideally the parents would live separately but reasonably close, so even if anything was left at the other house, it wouldn't be a huge deal to pop round and get it or drop it off.

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Personally, I can't think of anything worse.

Your son is young enough to adapt to two homes without too much drama or upset - he won't really remember you both living together so keeping the status quo going doesn't really help anyone.

I think it would be much easier to get two homes close by and make a clean break for your son's sake, and for yours too.

Agreed.

This isn’t going to be a long, long term plan, but what we’re proposing for the short to medium term while our son still needs us both from a practical (and emotional) level

How long do you see this stage lasting? While preschoolers obviously need more practical support than an older child, even teenagers often need a lot of support. There's never going to be an ideal age, and getting used to moving between two homes seems easier at 3 than at 8, 11, 13 etc.

How would things like DIY work around the house? What if one of you wants to redecorate, or something bigger like new furniture or a new bathroom? These things cause enough stress for couples who are in love. I can imagine the house either getting slightly neglected which isn't fair on your DS, or causing arguments.