To consider ‘birdnesting’ when separating from DP?

[Bluebellwoodland]

Me and DP have a 3 year old DS together. We are separating and are considering the idea of ‘bird nesting’ and wondering if anyone has done similar?

Birdnesting (or nesting, as it is more commonly referred to) in a divorce or separation is where parents take turns staying in the family home. Rather than making the kids traipse back and forth between two homes, the kids stay put and the parents trade off being the "on-duty parent

Long term it's delaying the wrench as a young child would probably adapt quickly, particularly with attentive parents. Also neither of you have privacy when you're with family, that would be quite stressful.

I think if I got on with some one well enough for this to work I probably wouldn't be separating from them in the first place.

I think it’s an even worse idea of the split is amicable and you’re both behaving in a mature and sensible way about it.

That’s an ideal basis for a quick, clean break that your very young child will adapt to easily. If you string it out, by the time you do decide to split properly, your child will be older and likely to be more affected by it all, and the goodwill you currently have with his father could easily have evaporated by then.

Strike while the iron is hot, I say.

I don't know why but somehow the idea of the only permanent resident of the house being a young child makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

I know the child would never be left alone there or be expected to take responsibility for the upkeep of the house but what if they start to feel that they are the only one who really lives there and mum and dad are just visiting from their real homes?

@TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot

I don't know why but somehow the idea of the only permanent resident of the house being a young child makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

I know the child would never be left alone there or be expected to take responsibility for the upkeep of the house but what if they start to feel that they are the only one who really lives there and mum and dad are just visiting from their real homes?

This with bells on! Young children soon adapt to the concept of 'mummy's house and daddy's house'

Another for a clean break
Another who’s dc don’t really remember us all living together

On the one hand it seems good for dc staying in just one home but then isn’t there also confusion about why both parents are never there at the same time anymore ?

@TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot

I don't know why but somehow the idea of the only permanent resident of the house being a young child makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

I know the child would never be left alone there or be expected to take responsibility for the upkeep of the house but what if they start to feel that they are the only one who really lives there and mum and dad are just visiting from their real homes?

This^^

It’s kind of like a hotel that the child is the only permanent fixture and the parents are just visitors. It sounds lonely somehow for the child, even though they’d never be alone. It’s not really a home anymore, it’s just a ‘holding place’ for them to stay in for parental visits.

You said you both stay in separate bedrooms at the house when you are there, and that it’s totally amicable. In which case, just both stay their full time and parent your child together but have separate bedrooms. Once you both decide it’s time to strike out alone you can then do that.

But I have to agree, if it’s amicable, just do it now, as the older the child gets the harder it will be for them.

@TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot

I don't know why but somehow the idea of the only permanent resident of the house being a young child makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

I know the child would never be left alone there or be expected to take responsibility for the upkeep of the house but what if they start to feel that they are the only one who really lives there and mum and dad are just visiting from their real homes?

I think this is a point worth considering. Children often see the world differently, and I can definitely see a child thinking about the situation in this way.

I agree with the other posters who say a clean break is the best way forward.

I have a friend whose parents did this when they split. She said it was the main reason she wasn't affected negatively by their divorce. She makes it sound like the perfect solution - but obviously it only works if the split is amicable and both partners have enough money to pay for 2 houses!

I have been very amicably separated from Dh for over three years. We see each other most days and share care of the dc. We live about ten mins drive apart. He stays in my house to look after pets while I’m away and comes to stay overnight for the dc birthdays and for Christmas.
It doesn’t get more amicable. We can’t even be bothered to get divorced.

However, there are very good reasons why we separated. I would not want to share my home with him. It needs to be mine and I need a permanent place to live and work from and make my own choices.

The dc are ok.

I am sort of doing this as my ex is a total fuckhead with a drug problem who has moved onto a boat (couldn’t make it up) wholly inappropriate for co-parenting 4 children. I work long shifts and he picks them up from school and brings them hone and cooks for them, puts them to bed etc no the days I’m working. It’s great for the kids as they get to see dad, it’s safer for them as it’s a clean, safe, drug free environment with plenty of food etc. Its good for him as he can swan in, act like a dad for a few hours and swan out again. But it is shit for me. He makes a mess, eats all the snacks I buy for the kids- used to have long baths and add his dirty washing to my laundry (he stopped that after I tore him a new one.) he’s been known to nap on my bed so I put a lock on my bedroom door. Coming home after a 14hr shift to find that cunty chops has left the house in a state is pretty miserable. I can’t wait until the kids are older and can see him safely elsewhere; I’ll get my own place and he won’t be allowed over the doorstep.

I personally wouldn't do this as it will only make things harder for your DS when it has to change - which it will eventually - why not start as you mean to go on?

At 3, he won't struggle to adjust to moving between homes. It will also be harder for you and your ex to move forward with your lives and will create issues when one of you meets someone else.

I feel like if you want to do this then you may as well stay living together in separate rooms until you're ready to live apart.

It’s kind of like a hotel that the child is the only permanent fixture and the parents are just visitors. It sounds lonely somehow for the child, even though they’d never be alone. It’s not really a home anymore, it’s just a ‘holding place’ for them to stay in for parental visits

Yes. This.

Real homes are personal and full of items and decor that reflect the family who live there. This nesting idea keeps a child in a not-quite-a-real-home environment. And yes a child could certainly be screwed up by being the only permanent resident of a place which adults just visited to provide childcare, but whose real homes were elsewhere.

@TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot

I don't know why but somehow the idea of the only permanent resident of the house being a young child makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

I know the child would never be left alone there or be expected to take responsibility for the upkeep of the house but what if they start to feel that they are the only one who really lives there and mum and dad are just visiting from their real homes?

Hit the nail spot-on here! You’ve managed to identify & put into words what my feelings are around this issue, but which I could never quite identify.

From a child psychology POV my hunch is it’s essential to feel their parents are rooted and that the stability then flows from that. Being the only one in the family with the stability of a permanent home would not be good for the child’s sense of security I wouldn’t have thought. That’s a big weight of expectation. Also, it positions the child as the epicentre around which their caregivers lives flit back and forth, with the adults each denying themselves the right to a full-time home in order to provide one for their child. I’m wondering if that could foster an unhealthy power dynamic in the long run.

Lastly, something about it makes me suspect that as a child I would’ve interpreted such a scenario as periodic parental abandonment. Children naturally see things as about them. Therefore they’d interpret as ‘mummy/daddy needing to get away from me for half of each week’ rather than if you both have your own home and the child then feels you both actively want the child to come to you for half of each week. It’s a subtle distinction but a profound one in a child’s mind.

Personally I’d hate it.

Dh and I have always said if we split and still get on we would either get properties close by, or I keep the house and him a flat- but I let him have meals here while I work, meet here or sleepover when needed.
Tbh even that though I worry about moving on with my life! What if I meet someone new? Want to be happy?
Your kids sea sounds particularly awful for moving on, being with family the rest of the time- what if you wanted a new partner? Where would you be?

Seeing as DS is only 3, I would make the break and have 2 separate homes.

DD was 4 when her father walked out, and she can't remember life with him here at all. She doesn't remember the last family holiday or anything of family life.

It would be harder for your DS to change it in a few years when he is used to it, so I would do it now.

I have friends who did this for five years, but it fell apart as soon as one of them met a new partner.

Imo it was much harder for their DC to get into the habit of staying between two houses as a 12 yo than they would have found it at 7. It also meant that to this day they blame their step-parent for the ending of the arrangement, which is very unfair.

I’d be concerned that your setting a precedent to your child that can’t be maintained.
Eventually you will meet other people, they may have children. You and your ex may have children with future partners. If you don’t do this at the same time, there could be resentment.So this isn’t sustainable.

I think if your dc has spent time growing up in this way and suddenly it changes it would be far more traumatic for them than you both having separate homes. I think a clean break, with clear boundaries is better and kinder all round.

Read 'Our House' by Louise Candlish!

I knew someone growing up whose parents had a similar set up, they had a pretty large house and essentially had divided it up into floors, so a floor for the kids, a floor for the dad, a floor for the Mum. I don’t know how they shared the kitchen. I think it probably worked when the kids were younger, but I know that when the youngest was 18 and at uni they sold it, Mum moved in with a new partner etc, and while it was all amicable I think they struggled with that.

It sounds absolutely horrendous. Do you think you or your ex deserve to have no life of your own? So neither of you will ever meet anyone else? You'll never have a proper home with anyone else except your ex or living with family? How depressing.

"This isn’t going to be a long, long term plan, but what we’re proposing for the short to medium term while our son still needs us both from a practical (and emotional) level."

Emotionally it is much better for him to just do it now! He'll be so confused growing up like that and then suddenly being told it's not possible because one of the other parent got a new partner.

I wouldn't risk it personally, it could ruin the relationship you have as co-parents as well as being more damaging to the kids.

If you can manage it practically and financially it is likely to have a good outcome for your child.

Be aware that one of the main benefits of it is the ability of the child to maintain friendships and activities, so it’s best done as a long term thing rather than just for the first few years.

One of the main disruptive things for the child about a child alternating between parents is that they aren’t in the same location as their peers/friends and they have to spend a bigger proportion of their free time e.g. weekends having quality time with each parent. Basically it’s more difficult for them to put down roots and build stability outwith the family setting.

So they have less time for friends, clubs, activities etc and it’s these independent roots that really help someone build security, stability, identity, lifetime interests etc grow as a person.

They are the things that bring continuity and provide emotional stability over and above the family and the ability to invest in those things from a young age is one of the key factors in thriving throughout life.

You’d be as well just not splitting up if you get on well and this is the alternative to living together. It’s not like you’d be getting to do any meaningful moving on.

My cousins family had an interesting house that had previously been used for a sort-of arrangement like this, which fell apart and the house was sold and the purchasers (my cousin's family) turned it back into a normal home.

It was a 3-storey townhouse. The ground floor was adapted to be a home for one parent, the top floor for the other parent. The middle floor was a "no mans land" containing the kids bedroom and a sitting room.

I don't know the details of what went wrong or why it didn't work. Only that they had spent loads of time and money adapting the home and then ended up selling within less than a year of starting to attempt to live there under the planned setup.