Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Reporting my sister to social services

173 replies

wednesdaygirl90 · 14/03/2021 20:47

My sister has two kids aged 7 and 3. She has been an excellent mother and I'm really proud of her. She has been in an abusive relationship in the past and has been through a lot. There is obviously a lot that she needs support with and, as a family, we have tried, but she gets very defensive and obviously we are not professionals, so there is only so much we can do.

Recently, she has started seeing someone new. I knew him briefly years ago, so I know a bit about his family history and there is some pretty heavy stuff. I haven't seen my family throughout the pandemic, so I haven't witnessed anything myself, but other members of my family have and what they have told me has made me feel very, very uncomfortable.

Her new boyfriend has threatened to hurt the 7 year old and has actually smacked him (hard enough to leave his hand red) and laughed when he cried. The 7 year old has expressed to others in the family that he wants the boyfriend to leave, but when my sister asks him, he says the opposite to her and she doesn't believe that he has told others that he wants him to leave. My sister has had other boyfriends and the 7 year old hasn't had anything like that about any of them. He has also had a series of bruises appear on his arms.

This man spends almost every day and night at my sister's house, and it is almost impossible for other members of the family to talk to her without him around. My mum says he's incredibly manipulative, my other sister says he refers to sister #1 as a "filthy wh*re". There are so many other examples of why I think he is a danger to my sister and her children, but these are just the standout ones right now.

It is my gut instinct that he is very, very bad news. My family have already been through a lot due to my sister's previous abusive relationship. It was very traumatic for everyone involved and the 7 year old has particularly suffered a lot. My sister obviously needs a lot of help and I think I need to report her to social services. My family are very concerned about her children being removed and taken into foster care, but I think we've done all that we can as a family and the kids are my priority. The thought of not doing anything and then them being harmed is my absolute worst nightmare. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am. I don't think that we, as a family, are equipped to deal with this and I know if it were me in the children's place, I would want the adults in my life to do whatever they could to make me safe. I have told my mum and other sister that if I hear of one more incident or one more piece of information that makes me feel uneasy, I am making the call.

Any advice or guidance would be much, much appreciated.

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 15/03/2021 16:13

@wednesdaygirl90

Update: I called social services in her area to ask for some guidance. I was told that there is not much they can do right now due to Covid and that he couldn't really help unless I had evidence of an incident (which I don't. I'm aware of an incident which I told him about, but all information is secondhand/thirdhand). He didn't ask for any contact details and he hung up very quickly.

The services in the area I live in are stellar and I can't fault them. I would not have had that response here and wouldn't have had any doubts about calling them either. Not sure what to do now.

Contact your own area and explain. They'll know what to do regarding both your family and the arsehole on the phone.

ToffeePennie · 15/03/2021 16:17

Make the call. Make it clear HOW you want to report (anonymous or not) and that you/other family would be willing to act as foster caters (if you can do)
Your sister is already under this man’s spell, she is in no position to protect those kids.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 15/03/2021 16:27

I agree you should act as soon as possible. Even if the children are not badly abused by the boyfriend, there is the risk of them being quite seriously screwed up by this situation.

MrsWombat · 15/03/2021 16:31

Call the school and speak to the safeguarding lead.

Illberidingshotgun · 15/03/2021 16:43

Speak to the school, they may have noticed things that will also add to the picture. Personally I would also report this to the police, they may already have information on the BF on their system.

I would also consider speaking to the manager of the SW - saying they can't do a lot due to covid is appalling. Much of the assessment/ investigation process can be done remotely, even if this is not ideal.

Pandapotato · 15/03/2021 16:43

I’ve only read your posts @wednesdaygirl90, so apologies if this has already been said. You need to contact the nspcc. Tell them everything - about the children’s history and about your families concerns and the spectacularly crap response from social services. This needs investigating. You are absolutely doing the right thing by those children in following this path.

Terrysmyorange · 15/03/2021 16:47

Contact the local safeguarding team as well. They will investigate.

I work in MH services and work with social services, there is lots being done still face to face and remotely. So the COVID excuse is rubbish. I would also start a complaint at a later stage...

Thatwentbadly · 15/03/2021 16:59

@wednesdaygirl90

The services in the area I live in are stellar and I can't fault them. I would not have had that response here and wouldn't have had any doubts about calling them either. Not sure what to do now.

I would ring back and ask to speak to a manager. I don’t think that is good enough. Is there anyway you can get the people who witnessed him hitting your nephew to ring SS?

Abhannmor · 15/03/2021 17:14

Yes try to get someone in authority to speak. Insist they take details. This is just buck passing. You are doing the right thing and trying to defend those little ones.

Lovemylittlebear · 15/03/2021 17:20

Ring the nspcc and state your concerns and their details. I had an issue once with a head of social services in certain department when I tried to raise a safeguarding concern and I didn’t feel listened to (professional capacity) and I didn’t feel that adequate measures were being taken. I rang NSPCC and then within a matter of hours a meeting had been called and support was placed around the family (different issue to yours but the NSPCC were very helpful when I felt a bit stuck). X

jellybe · 15/03/2021 17:25

Try SS again and if you get the same response try the child's school. They might have concerns already and you might add an extra pieces to the picture they are butting together which means they can follow it up.

So sorry you are in This position but well done for standing up for your nephew and trying to do the best you can for him.

Mingmoo · 15/03/2021 17:42

OP, you can call 101 and report it to the police. Don't worry about wasting their time. You have concerns about your sister's safety and the safety of her children and there's absolutely no reason not to involve the police, who should be able to find out more about what's been going on and alert the relevant authorities.

Merryoldgoat · 15/03/2021 17:44

Also NSPCC help line were helpful to me when I needed assistance

IEat · 15/03/2021 17:47

If SS are still fobbing you off call the police, the child is at risk. Also the location council have a safeguarding team . The child’s school have safeguarding staff. Do not do nothing please

OliviaBensonsEyebrow · 15/03/2021 18:08

@wednesdaygirl90

The services in the area I live in are stellar and I can't fault them. I would not have had that response here and wouldn't have had any doubts about calling them either. Not sure what to do now.

Police. Welfare Check.

Be very clear that you suspect physical violence towards a 7 year old has occurred and this 7 year old is now at risk.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/03/2021 18:25

That is really poor. As a SW I am horrified. I also agree that NSPCC way be a better way to go, or the police.

PerspicaciousGreen · 15/03/2021 18:52

+1 to calling the school asking to speak to the safeguarding lead. Good on you for trying social services - even if they weren't very helpful it's still the right thing to do. Hopefully they will have logged the call. My impression is that sometimes every little thing can contribute to a body of evidence that can help when action is finally taken. If they have a history of reports, even ones that aren't acted on, it can still build a picture of the family life at that home.

Likewise, even if the school don't take action immediately they can still be alerted and keep an eye on the poor boy. With their eyes open, they may see other things that cause concern and report them.

I know it must be gut-wrenchingly hard, but you are doing the right thing. If you hear anything else, please keep reporting it. Even if no action is taken, I am sure your nephew will be so glad to know that someone is/was looking out for him. That feeling of being noticed and believed can be so helpful for people in abusive situations.

Wobblesandchickuns · 15/03/2021 18:56

Definitely contact the school. Do it tomorrow or even better send an email to the DSL tonight.

nevernotstruggling · 15/03/2021 18:58

@wednesdaygirl90

The services in the area I live in are stellar and I can't fault them. I would not have had that response here and wouldn't have had any doubts about calling them either. Not sure what to do now.

Er....ss are doing exactly what they did pre covid. No one is being told that ss can't do anything due to covid.

clareykb · 15/03/2021 19:01

I work in safeguarding, there will be a number you would call locally and it would be triaged as to what level of service is required, then there is likely to be an assessment and then a decision on support. I understand worries about children being removed but that would be unlikely at this stage, it is only done as a last resort, there would be lots of ways they could access help first x

cutebutscary · 15/03/2021 19:04

Report her by all means but don't hold your breath that social services will actually do anything , ten years ago I reported the father of a profoundly disabled child for punching his child in the face and leaving four knuckle marks in the cheek. They did nothing ( I know this as I am very close with the mum of the child ) and the family was already known to social services . It's a very strange world indeed . You are definitely doing the right thing. The school the 7 year old goes to would also put safeguarding in place and they are in a better position to see the child daily , and chat with the child. Then the school themselves will contact social services and they would work together . I think you may have a more satisfactory outcome for the children doing it this way . Whatever you decide , please
Don't delay

GarlicMonkey · 15/03/2021 19:05

OP. Call the 7 year old's school & tell the safeguarding lead (all schools have one) your concerns. Let them take it from there. That way, the referral will be distanced from you & you'll be able to maintain your position in your sister's support network.

clareykb · 15/03/2021 19:05

Just read your update.. That is rubbish (as in I totally believe you but it's untrue that they can't help you because of covid) I'm still visiting and assessing people and referring to domestic violence courses etc which are still happening despite covid. I have regular new referrals including ones very similar to what you describe. Your other port of call could be the NSPCC as you can report to them too.

Sceptre86 · 15/03/2021 19:09

I would ring school and ask to speak to their safeguarding lead. I would then speak to the police, not sure if they would be willing to do a welfare check on the children.

Chocolateandamaretto · 15/03/2021 19:24

Who told you about the incident? Who witnessed it? Would they be willing to report?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7