Reporting my sister to social services

[wednesdaygirl90]

My sister has two kids aged 7 and 3. She has been an excellent mother and I'm really proud of her. She has been in an abusive relationship in the past and has been through a lot. There is obviously a lot that she needs support with and, as a family, we have tried, but she gets very defensive and obviously we are not professionals, so there is only so much we can do.

Recently, she has started seeing someone new. I knew him briefly years ago, so I know a bit about his family history and there is some pretty heavy stuff. I haven't seen my family throughout the pandemic, so I haven't witnessed anything myself, but other members of my family have and what they have told me has made me feel very, very uncomfortable.

Her new boyfriend has threatened to hurt the 7 year old and has actually smacked him (hard enough to leave his hand red) and laughed when he cried. The 7 year old has expressed to others in the family that he wants the boyfriend to leave, but when my sister asks him, he says the opposite to her and she doesn't believe that he has told others that he wants him to leave. My sister has had other boyfriends and the 7 year old hasn't had anything like that about any of them. He has also had a series of bruises appear on his arms.

This man spends almost every day and night at my sister's house, and it is almost impossible for other members of the family to talk to her without him around. My mum says he's incredibly manipulative, my other sister says he refers to sister #1 as a "filthy wh*re". There are so many other examples of why I think he is a danger to my sister and her children, but these are just the standout ones right now.

It is my gut instinct that he is very, very bad news. My family have already been through a lot due to my sister's previous abusive relationship. It was very traumatic for everyone involved and the 7 year old has particularly suffered a lot. My sister obviously needs a lot of help and I think I need to report her to social services. My family are very concerned about her children being removed and taken into foster care, but I think we've done all that we can as a family and the kids are my priority. The thought of not doing anything and then them being harmed is my absolute worst nightmare. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am. I don't think that we, as a family, are equipped to deal with this and I know if it were me in the children's place, I would want the adults in my life to do whatever they could to make me safe. I have told my mum and other sister that if I hear of one more incident or one more piece of information that makes me feel uneasy, I am making the call.

Any advice or guidance would be much, much appreciated.

I'm finding this post very upsetting to read. Yes please report.

Those poor children. Can anyone in the family take them in? That poor boy's life will be ruined if this continues. Don't hesitate and don't be fobbed off.

The 3 year old can't speak up for themself. Please call the police. God knows what he might be doing to the 3 year old. He sounds like a sadist.

Please ring SS ASAP.
You will be doing the right thing.

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting

I wouldn’t hold your breath that anything will happen if you do report her to social services. Unless she’s been working with social services before and they nearly got taken away then.

I would report to Nspcc who will assess and pass to social services if they feel the children are in danger.

I would also contact the school and also the police to see if you can get his history.

I would also talk to your sister and give it to her straight.

This drives me nuts. Nspcc cannot assess because they can't access any other agency info about a child or infact anyone.

Sure you can talk it over with the nspcc and you might find this helpful but the investigation will be done by ss.

Anon reports of harm which come in to ss through nspcc are often vague and with no context. The sw you will speak to in ss may already have a file for this family and can ask the referrer specific questions. The nspcc can't - all the do is pass it on.

It sounds like the children are already being harmed. Sadly your sister isn't able to safeguard them, for whatever reason, she cannot keep them safe.

So calling social services is 100% the right thing to do. The children deserve safety and security, poor mites.

If your sister is incapable of putting her children first, you have to. A woman in my town killed her 6-year-old son a couple of weeks ago because her boyfriend didn't want him around. Her family has been all over the news, saying they never thought she'd do something like that, but she did. Call children's services.

I was once in the position of your sisters children. Report her now before it's too late. Everyone in my family wanted the best for my mum. That meant ignoring the abuse she and me were facing. I say me because I was a quiet, uncomplicated child but I was also the only one to be sexually abused by my siblings dad.

I was so worried about my siblings that I said nothing and got on with it because I knew they weren't being abused themselves.

I had to wait for my mum to go to prison before I was free. I was 11. The truth is, I've never been free. I've been broken ever since.

Please, PLEASE, report her now. If you don't want to, PM me her info and I will do it for you. Don't let the poor kids end up like me x

Yes report it OP. Don't wait for someone else to do it as they might not. Before it's too late.

Yes report. I reported a suspected case of elder abuse by my relatives and SS did sort it out.

@steff13 Droitwitch? I’m Worcestershire & I still can’t stop thinking about this.

Lottiethelemming
So sorry to hear of your experiences and I hope you are in a better place in your life now.

If I suspected that a new boyfriend was abusing my nephew I'd get a few family members together and go and confront the bastard, but I was brought up on a rough estate
The right thing to do would be to ring the social services children's duty officer right now. They are open 24hours and each council has an easily found number online. Why wait until the morning/next week/ too late?

Please do report this to social services as soon as you can. Regardless of what's happened to your sister in the past the child does not deserve to live an existence in fear. It may cause your sister to fall out with you but would you be able to live with the guilt if serious harm or death was to occur?
You are in an excellent position to report your concerns as you live at the other end of the country.

[quote VVKills27]@steff13 Droitwitch? I’m Worcestershire & I still can’t stop thinking about this.[/quote]
No, I'm in Ohio. I didn't want to give too many details because it's fairly horrifying, even compared to child murder in general. But it's just one of many stories where a parent puts a new partner ahead of their child.

My own cousin had his kids taken away because his girlfriend abused them. All he had to do to get them back was stop seeing her and take parenting classes and he wouldn't do it. They were eventually adopted to another family.

@steff13 I’m sorry to hear about your cousin’s children. That local case sounds awful.

What's most likely to happen is that social services will investigate and tell her that if she doesn't leave him, that they will then have to take the children I would think. Would you be in a position to take the children if the worst came to the worst?

"If you don't report someone else will."

@Devlesko this isn't helpful. No. Nobody else will report it. It's up to the OP to report it, not leave it to someone else.

I despair. I really do.

Please report now, don't wait.

You are doing the right thing.

My son is adopted, his birth family could not prioritize his needs.

I hope your sister gets the help to keep her family together. You are right to know that if this man is the problem you cannot talk her out of the relationship - and maybe one day she will thank you. But even if not, the children will thank you.

Please report him. If he is smacking him in front of people i dread to think what is happening behind closed doors.

Why did nobody intervene? Guaranteed if that was two adults fighting someone would have broke it up, but when its a grown man assaulting a child they just stand there? Unbelievable.

Your Sister is not capable just now of making the right decisions for her kids so you need to step in - she'll be glad you did when she gets better and comes to her senses ( this may take a while)
She's very lucky to have you and I'm so glad you'll be there to help the kids through this.
Best of luck to you all.

The suggestion of a welfare check by police is spot on.

If he's got bruises on his arm he's being assaulted, by a grown man.

They are duty bound to notify SS if a child comes to their notice.

She deserves to have her children taken away from her , I’m sorry but I could never put my children in danger for anything let alone a man ! I’m a child of abuse from my father let me tell you even if he ends up not killing them or seriously hurting them this will stay with them forever , as an adult I cut off everyone i knew knew of my abuse and stood by and did nothing I will never speak to them again I think they are the worst of the worse , you sound lovely but act now don’t leave it , these things take I while to happen when you call any way save these children I don’t think going into care will help so maybe sit down with family and find out who can take them if that option comes up , tell your sister to get her shit together and wait until her children have grow up and moved out before she ever looks at another man

You absolutely should report this but you also need to be encouraging your other family members to report it as the problem here is all of your information is second hand; none of it you have witnessed directly and the local authority will not take such allegations as seriously. But unless you're certain someone else will put these children first then you absolutely should as someone needs to be protecting these children.
You can also make a Clare's Law (domestic abuse disclosure scheme) application which involves speaking to the Police about concerns you have about your sister's new relationship. The Police will then do a criminal history check on this person and anything that is relevant, they will go and share with your sister so she has the information to decide what to do with it. It wouldn't tell her if he tried to steal a car when he was 14 for example but if he's been done or even just cautioned for assault or any domestic abuse concerns raised against him, they would share that with her. You would never know, you only make the application as a concerned relative and the Police will say 'thank you, now be on your way' as obviously you have no right to that information but if there is something, they will go and tell your sister. You can make it anonymously so she doesn't need to know the application came from you and she would never be told anything unless there is something to tell.

As previous posters have said as well you can also contact your nephew's school; if nothing else it might make them take a closer look to see if there is something they can do to be supporting him. They cannot and will not pass on concerns to children's services on your behalf (it's not the best for a member of the public to pass on second hand information to children's services but it it out and out not allowed for professionals to do that) so this is definitely an 'as well as' move, not 'instead of'.

You sound very much like a very caring Aunt and sister and you want to do the right thing by them all. Please note that doing nothing makes you as culpable as causing harm as if it came from your own hand. You cannot know that harm is being caused to someone and do nothing to try and stop it. This should not be a question of should you do it, only a question of how you can do it.

If she’s receiving housing benefit as a single parent. And he’s staying there every night...

Report for benefit fraud. Anonymously

That will mean he has to leave. Yes she’ll have to pay back but at least he will be out the house

Having said that
It will probably happen again
Fundamentally- she prioritises boyfriends over her children

@Merryoldgoat

Have you spoken to your sister? Does she know this man has assaulted her child?

The child was left with a hand print on him. You would assume the mother saw it or one of the kids reported it to their mum. I would phone SS or inform the school! It’s unacceptable.