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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t want to holiday with my in laws.

107 replies

Roobie51 · 13/03/2021 19:22

Hi all, mil keeps pestering me asking if we can all go on a break together (within in the U.K. when covid allows she means).

At this point with covid I’m in no rush to book a holiday with everything going on. I live in a beautiful coastal town in the southwest and I don’t really feel the need to get away for now. I can understand why others might want to get away buy I have so much in my doorstep and I’m happy staying put for a while.

As well as covid I just cannot bear the thought of going away with them. Dp feels similar. We like to do our own thing just the 4 of us (2dc). Mil and her husband can be difficult and hard work . If we wanted to get away I’d rather go as a family. I couldn’t bear going away with my own family either. It’s not just my idea of fun.

Plus we are skint and probably couldn’t even afford a cheap holiday right now.

Aibu? Advice? Don’t want to hurt her feelings? We were thinking of booking a weekend away much later in the year (again if we can) but feel like if we book it she’ll get agro she isn’t involved.

Mil loves this kind of thing. She’s always holidayed with her parents (when still alive), her brothers and sisters, niece and nephews etc. Dp always went away as a child with his numerous cousins and said he always hated it 😅 we aren’t overly sociable people and like doing our own thing.

Aibu? Am I just being an unsociable git? Shall I just give in and go and try and have a good time?

OP posts:

RedFrogsRule · 13/03/2021 19:25

Gawd no...but let her down gently. If you say yes once you’ll be stuck with it forever.

Having said all of that I do holiday with family and have always done so...with the proviso that it’s not a long holiday, we have plenty of defined space and agree we don’t do everything together.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 13/03/2021 19:28

If money is tight surely that would be the perfect reason to say no?

Symbion · 13/03/2021 19:32

Generally, I think as long as you and DP are on the same page and there is no huge back story, if you don't want to do it, you shouldn't. Holidays are precious, don't book and pay for one you can't muster any enthusiasm for.

However with a parent who is all alone, feeling lonely, and doesn't have the confidence or wherewithal to go it alone, then it would be a real kindness to occasionally invite her away for a few days. But it doesn't sound like this is the situation here.

M0rT · 13/03/2021 19:34

Don't do it!
I holiday with some family because I enjoy it, but there are combinations that I keep short and sweet because that's all I can manage.
If you and your DH would be dreading it before you even go it's not a holiday.
Especially if money is tight as you would probably be thinking of where the money could have been better spent if you weren't enjoying yourself.
Just say you can't afford anything this summer, if you do manage something later in the year tell her it was a last minute very cheap deal, when you get back..

RosemarysCat · 13/03/2021 19:38

I hate big family holidays with loads of people, especially if you're different types of personalities and don't enjoy the same thing. It's a waste of money having to put on a fake smile while desperately waiting until you can be alone.

Yebanksandbraes · 13/03/2021 19:46

Don't do it.
You are not being unreasonable. You're adults, you don't need to feel duty bound to go on holiday with them.

NormanStangerson · 13/03/2021 19:52

My in laws are like this. They’re all so bloody obsessed with each other it drives me insane. They would all happily sit in a room and just smile at each other, happy in the knowledge they’re together. That’s the blood family, us married in lot tend to congregate in the kitchen and roll our eyes. My H is thankfully not like his parents and siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles, etc.

NormanStangerson · 13/03/2021 19:54

We also live in a nice coastal village OP and unfortunately for me, that means they like to suggest all coming to stay with us. When I occasionally say no, the shit hits the fan.

giletrouge · 13/03/2021 20:00

Why don't you suggest, as you say you live in a lovely area, that they hire self-catering or get a hotel near you for a couple of weeks OP? They get their holiday, you can hang out with them but not all the time, they get to see you and you don't have to spend any money or stay in the same dwelling as them.
Might that work?

byvirtue · 13/03/2021 20:05

My mil has suggested the same. I can just about manage a weekend but would probably murder her after a week. We’ve managed to put her off this year #covid but as some point I’m going to have to put my big girl pants on and tell her our holidays are sacred and we will spend them doing what we want and going where we want to go. Especially since we haven’t had a holiday in bloody forever. I can’t imagine anything worse than going on someone else’s holiday, for the sake of it.

Happytentoes · 13/03/2021 20:12

@NormanStangerson are you my SIL? DH family sound like your in laws. They do sit around smiling at each other, saying nothing. They will arrange lunch, then call and suggest meeting a couple of hours before for coffee.
Nuts.

noirchatsdeux · 13/03/2021 20:17

I made the mistake of going away for a long weekend with my partner's family...it's was his aunt's 60th birthday. Her husband had rented a large villa in Scotland and paid for everyone to fly up (he was extremely wealthy). I'd been feeling very unwell for the week beforehand and really didn't want to go, but my partner made a big deal about the money that had been spent on the plane ticket...

The first night, after travelling for 12 hours, we went straight out for a meal - we weren't even given any time to change, freshen up beforehand. Long meal lasting about 4 hours, get back to villa just before midnight. I've already been sick once in the evening, I tell partner I'm going straight to bed. Unfortunately our bedroom was directly above the living room where the majority of the party - about 10 people - decide to stay up all night getting drunk...partner finally staggers to bed, drunk out of his mind, at 8am. The day before, he'd been given an itinerary (?) of the weekend's events ...which he's promptly lost. Apparently we were supposed to be going to some scenic railway at 10am. Partner is unconscious, I can't wake him and I don't know about this outing anyway. No one bothers coming to see if we are coming... I spent a very boring day stuck in our room watching my unconscious partner (we are in the tit end of nowhere and there is literally nothing else around). He finally surfaces at about 5pm, is up an hour and still feels terrible so goes back to bed...we finally make it downstairs at about 8pm....to looks that could kill from his parents. Apparently we've missed the catered dinner - to this day, I still ask why did none of the fuckers come and knock on our door??

Already long story shorter, partner's father has never forgiven me for my 'bad' behaviour that weekend - yes I got the blame for the lot - and couldn't have cared less that I ended up in hospital the next week with double pneumonia...

There's been other stuff since but suffice to say I've not seen partner's parents in about 5 years and there's more chance of me going to Mars than on another holiday with them...

noirchatsdeux · 13/03/2021 20:19

And apparently I was being unreasonable for pointing out that his uncle, having been up drinking for over 10 hours, shouldn't have been going anywhere near a car the next day, after less than 2 hours sleep....

mainsfed · 13/03/2021 20:19

Just say you want to enjoy your hometown this year and also that you’re strapped for cash.

When you book your weekend away, just keep details vague so she can’t book the same.

NormanStangerson · 13/03/2021 20:21

[quote Happytentoes]@NormanStangerson are you my SIL? DH family sound like your in laws. They do sit around smiling at each other, saying nothing. They will arrange lunch, then call and suggest meeting a couple of hours before for coffee.
Nuts.[/quote]
If I am, at the next one, I’ll hide us a bottle of something in the cupboard and I’ll meet you in the kitchen

It drives me insane.

mainsfed · 13/03/2021 20:21

@noirchatsdeux crazy that they blamed you... why?!

WingingIt101 · 13/03/2021 20:22

Op as someone who has been an unwilling participant on many holidays that have included my mil I say absolutely do not do this.

Assuming you get limited holiday (time and money) to be with your immediate family, unless you actually want to be away with a particular person then don’t do it.
What you have in your favour (unlike me, send wine please) is your husband is of the same mindset.

As such it’s his job to let her know as kindly as possible.
If he can’t / won’t then I’d suggest
“Thank you mil for thinking of us but we would really like to wait and see at the moment and have already agreed that if we do decide to go away it will be just the four of us. Have a lovely trip wherever you book and we are looking forward to seeing you when we can.”

LookItsMeAgain · 13/03/2021 20:23

My thoughts would be that it's up to your DP to break the news that neither of you want to holiday with them. You're happier making holiday decisions as and when and on the spur of the moment rather than having to plan for months ahead and that you don't like disappointing others by not liking doing the things that they do (be they inlaws or just friends), so thanks but no thanks (but it has to come from your DP and not you).

HeddaGarbled · 13/03/2021 20:28

@giletrouge

This sounds like the perfect solution.

kittycorner · 13/03/2021 20:28

Maybe try to offer something in return. They go and you'd love to visit them during their time away for a day - or one night if you are brave.

One long day or one night will give them what they want with family connection and you can then feel glad you've done it and you have a whole other year until you have to do it again.

noirchatsdeux · 13/03/2021 20:29

@mainsfed I honestly have no real idea. I had already guessed that his father really didn't like me, so I suppose it was just part of that. Apparently I was being ' rude and unsociable' for not staying up all night drinking. Seriously. The next Sunday my partner had gone around to his parent's house, as they'd all been invited to his local aunties for lunch...I'm not there because I'm still in hospital. Partner's father proceeds to tear a strip off him about my 'poor behaviour' the whole of the previous weekend. Partner tells me to just apologise to his father, he'll then get over it. When I stop laughing, I tell my partner that as a 42 year old woman, his father doesn't get to criticize my - in his opinion - 'bad' behaviour, and that I didn't put up with shit like this from my own father when I was half the age, so what makes him think I will put up with it from him?

As you can guess, no apology was forthcoming from me.

noirchatsdeux · 13/03/2021 20:32

Oh and my partner was 'punished' that Sunday by his father telling him that he was uninvited to the Sunday lunch...not uninvited by his aunt, who was hosting it, but by his father...we lived a far distance away at the time, and partner doesn't drive, so he'd wasted 2 hours on public transport...

Notaroadrunner · 13/03/2021 20:37

@NormanStangerson

This made me laugh. It sounds intense but you make it sound comical.

@Roobie51

I wouldn't go away with my own family, never mind inlaws. Just say you are not planning a holiday this year as we really don't know how things will settle once restrictions are lifted so you and dp have just decided to wait until next year and hope to do something then. I wouldn't make too much of not being able to afford it as they might offer to pay and then you'd have no excuse.

Going away for a weekend later in the year isn't the same as going on holiday imo so I wouldn't worry about that if and when you decide to go.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2021 20:37

Hell would freeze over twice and pigs would fly before I go on holiday with my inlaws.

scarredhere · 13/03/2021 20:43

Don't mention about being short on money because they will come back saying "oh it will be on us as a treat" and then you will run out gentle excuses to get out of the situation.

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