I don’t want to holiday with my in laws.

[Roobie51]

Hi all, mil keeps pestering me asking if we can all go on a break together (within in the U.K. when covid allows she means).

At this point with covid I’m in no rush to book a holiday with everything going on. I live in a beautiful coastal town in the southwest and I don’t really feel the need to get away for now. I can understand why others might want to get away buy I have so much in my doorstep and I’m happy staying put for a while.

As well as covid I just cannot bear the thought of going away with them. Dp feels similar. We like to do our own thing just the 4 of us (2dc). Mil and her husband can be difficult and hard work . If we wanted to get away I’d rather go as a family. I couldn’t bear going away with my own family either. It’s not just my idea of fun.

Plus we are skint and probably couldn’t even afford a cheap holiday right now.

Aibu? Advice? Don’t want to hurt her feelings? We were thinking of booking a weekend away much later in the year (again if we can) but feel like if we book it she’ll get agro she isn’t involved.

Mil loves this kind of thing. She’s always holidayed with her parents (when still alive), her brothers and sisters, niece and nephews etc. Dp always went away as a child with his numerous cousins and said he always hated it 😅 we aren’t overly sociable people and like doing our own thing.

Aibu? Am I just being an unsociable git? Shall I just give in and go and try and have a good time?

Oh god... why don’t you just make something up! That’s what I did. My SIL has booked a family holiday (husbands side) in sept for 7 days to Bournemouth but I’m already going on a family trip staycation (me, hubby and our son) and then hopefully to Greece in September ... so a) I can’t afford 3 holidays b) I’m also preparing for my piano diploma exam at the end of this year so can’t spend lots of time without practicing and c) why would I spend a lot of money on an expensive holiday where I know I’m not going to enjoy myself. It would be with 9 people and all they do is talk about politics. MIL is lovely but in regards to conversation with other family members I’m bored within 5 minutes. (Obv excluding my husband and son lol). My husband is going and it will be just me and my son and I’m just so excited to have my space from him!!! I love him but when you live 24/7 in a flat since last year it makes you coocoo

@Notaroadrunner my family think it’s hilarious. I do a good impression of my MIL. The only good thing is it has brought me quite close with my S and BIL.

Could your DH not just be honest and say it's not your thing and you'd rather holiday as a family of 4 only, especially as money is tight. You could, as a potential compromise, do as a pp suggested and offer that they stay near you in a B&B and you do family days out together.

If you say yes once, you could end up roped into this kind of thing on an ongoing basis! Best to say no now!

Do not do it. Just don't.
We did it once. About 9 years ago. It was REALLY HARD WORK although my SIL came too with her kids and that would have worked.

Halfway through the holiday MIL had a massive strop and accused us of all sorts of unreasonable behaviour. (The 2 year old was rising at 5.30am, like I said he would beforehand, because, you know, 2 - and I was trying my best to occupy him and keep him quiet, difficult as MIL had said to her favourite granddaughter that she should sleep in the playroom - which was just super helpful)

She and my DH had a massive row, and didn't speak for nearly a year afterwards. The remaining days were spent avoiding each other. Luckily we'd hired a big house...

@noirchatsdeux good on you! Sounds like FIL knows you won’t take crap from anyone and that’s why he dislikes you.

Just say to her "it's not my thing" and "I only holiday with the nuclear family, I find holidays with extended family exhausting and it is risky to good relationships when arguments can develop". You need to say it outright, if you pussyfoot around, she will wear you down.

Bloody hell, nest of vipers etc. Do you not all think this year has been tough for everybody? You might live in your marvellous self indulgent perfect southern coast bubble, but I'm guessing they maybe don't?

Maybe, just, (how unreasonably), they want to catch up with you and give their grandchildren a hug?

I know it's all been hard for everyone, but for goodness' sake, give your head a wobble. If it's been tough for you, chances are it's been bloody awful for them. ☹️ Come up with something. ( My daughter is desperate to holiday with us!) 🤷‍♀️

We go up to Scotland yearly and hire a cabin for a week in August. Have done it for over 10 years. Same town and we love it. Few years ago my DStepdad had cancer so DM hinted that a break would do him good and she couldnt manage his care alone or the long drive up etc etc. I invited them with us. She doesnt mean to be but is very hard work. Needs attention 24/7 and followed us round the entire time. She has very strong opinions and doesnt let up. One day while on the holiday, in a shop the young lad short changed her 2p and she began screaming he was a thief and telling other shoppers to "check your change, hes a thief". Mortifying. She blamed her behaviour on stress but shes always been like this.

So the next year, 2020, it came up in conversation (that she started) that we were going to Scotland, as usual, in the August. She then said she loved it so much and couldnt wait. We hadnt invited her. She just assumed she was now part of our annual trip. Obviously covid hit and it didnt go ahead.

She has already asked us if we are booking for August this year, as she needs a break and cant wait.

We now will never be returning to Scotland again. Its dead to us. Also August holidays are a thing of the past. We will have to go to extremes to break the "tradition" of going away in August or to Scotland as "we always go together" at that time and place.

YANBU and I would not go with them unless you intend to continue it forward.

It’s not for me and I’d be honest. I treasure our holiday and enjoy going just the 4 of us. As a family we don’t spend enough time together and I’m not willing to share holidays to please others.

Jeez it’s bloody hard being a MIL, I wouldn’t recommend it!

@Hopeisnotastrategy seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?! Give your own head a wobble. Regardless of where OP lives or doesn't live, she is NOT obligated to do things that make her uncomfortable! Get over yourself.

Dp always went away as a child with his numerous cousins and said he always hated it

I think your DP needs a quiet conversation with his DM where he tells her this and says he really isn't into extended family holidays and she should make plans with other people. He doesn't have to blame her for it and he should point out he realises many people love that sort of thing, but he knows he doesn't. Then, assuming you're both okay with the idea, invite her to come visit you (wither staying with you or nearby as other posters suggested) for a weekend/week.

@FlickeringHugs See this is the thing that pisses me off about this site, to the extent it makes me want to shake people to snap the heck out of it; people sacrificing their family's happiness because of a badly behaved bully.

WHY can't you just tell her you found her behaviour inappropriate last time and you prefer to go back to holidaying with yourselves?

Is there some reason you don't have the backbone to do that?

Like fuck would I stop going on MY family's annual holiday because of a bully who has no self awareness. Jesus, woman up.

Gosh, no need to tie yourself in knots. My ILs (and both SILs and their husbands) have tried to get us to go on holiday with them for decades.

I just say I’d rather cut my own head off.

MIL prob dying to see & spend time with your DC...cd u invite her for a w/e..Fri - Sun
? Get that over with & you & DP can plan your own break to suit yourselves & say nothing til v last min...if you even have to say anything. If she a few hrs away, she's not going to drop by or notice if you are not home a couple of nights.

@BoomBoomsCousin

Dp always went away as a child with his numerous cousins and said he always hated it

I think your DP needs a quiet conversation with his DM where he tells her this and says he really isn't into extended family holidays and she should make plans with other people. He doesn't have to blame her for it and he should point out he realises many people love that sort of thing, but he knows he doesn't. Then, assuming you're both okay with the idea, invite her to come visit you (wither staying with you or nearby as other posters suggested) for a weekend/week.

Exactly. But if people manned/womanned up and had these conversations and DEALT with issues, this board would cease to exist. I've never met people with a lack of communication skills. I really don't understand UK people - they seem absolutely unable to communicate or be assertive so they suffer and nothing is ever resolved. They avoid the issues and it goes on for years. They make things complicated when they really are not at all complicated and should be straightforward. Just FUCKING SAY NO, AND WHY. This site is bad for my blood pressure I think.

You're in luck because all the big (reasonably priced) accomodation is fully booked out for the whole summer and possibly year in all nice locations.
Problem solved.
It is a shame you can't see your way to visiting with your in laws. They probably have missed your dh and kids and maybe even you.

It depends on the person you're going with.

We've always been very nuclear and haven't holidayed with anyone.
DC asked us if we could invite my dad and stepmum. In fairness to them, they are lovely. Helpful and respectful of our space and our roles as parents (they might not agree with us but I don't know if they ever had as they don't interfere).
DH was initially reluctant but agreed and then invited MIL too.
My dad and stepmum then dropped out as they weren't comfortable travelling (we went when restrictions were lifted in August) so it was just us 4 and MIL.
In the 20 years that DH and I have been together, we've never really clicked. And DH, in the past, has had a habit of putting MILs feelings and POV above mine (I've had words with him about it several times).
I was dreading it. And I told DH exactly why I was dreading it.

But she was amazing. Like my dad and stepmum, respectful, helpful and I discovered funny! It did wonders for our relationship.
We've already invited her on the next one.

But all that said, back to the 'depends on the individual' comment. My mother would never have had an invitation.

How honest can you be? We were always very straight with our families 'we do holidays by ourselves, it's our family time away from work/school/life'.

@Helendee

Jeez it’s bloody hard being a MIL, I wouldn’t recommend it!

Much harder being a daughter in law I would say.

NormanStangerson

My in laws are like this. They’re all so bloody obsessed with each other it drives me insane. They would all happily sit in a room and just smile at each other, happy in the knowledge they’re together. That’s the blood family, us married in lot tend to congregate in the kitchen and roll our eyes. My H is thankfully not like his parents and siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles, etc.

I'm picturing you married in ones as Toby, Beth and Miguel from This is Us. All rolling their eyes at the nightmare Pearsons

This won't make any sense if you've never watched This is Us

I would not go away with my ILs unless they were paying(!!) and it was somewhere nice.

We occasionally go away with my parents because they have a villa abroad and the location is great. It's very low cost for us and we have some freedom once there as parents have their own local friends to see and things to do.

I would not use valuable savings and precious annual leave days to go somewhere I don't want to go with people I don't want to go with and be stuck together like glue. And I wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt about that.

@Cokie3 because she blames the stress, as I said. Lies and says it was a one off. We spoke to her about it afterwards as we were leading up to saying she couldnt come again and she blamed DSFs illness and minimized her behaviour. If we now pushed it further, as the grieving widow, she would say she was stressed and we are punishing her because of it. She is extremely manipulative and its not worth the hassle to be honest. Losing her would be not be a huge deal but the fact siblings and other family would be dragged into it by her does bother me and Im not willing to do that. We would come out of it looking bad and she has no "normal" boundary lines that she wouldnt cross.

Hell would freeze over first!

Slightly different, but one of my SILs has always had a thing about going on holiday together, despite us having very different lifestyles and interests. Finally we invited them on a Christmas break with us a couple of years ago to a lovely location (winter sun). It was a great place but immediately obviously that we weren’t compatible at all- everything from getting up at different times to wanting to do different activities, food, etc. I knew it would be like that but finally she realized it for herself.

Never been suggested again, it’s such a relief! 😂

@Cokie3 also we go on multiple holidays a year so not exactly sacrificing family happiness by not going. We will just choose a different location for that one.