I don’t want to holiday with my in laws.

[Roobie51]

Hi all, mil keeps pestering me asking if we can all go on a break together (within in the U.K. when covid allows she means).

At this point with covid I’m in no rush to book a holiday with everything going on. I live in a beautiful coastal town in the southwest and I don’t really feel the need to get away for now. I can understand why others might want to get away buy I have so much in my doorstep and I’m happy staying put for a while.

As well as covid I just cannot bear the thought of going away with them. Dp feels similar. We like to do our own thing just the 4 of us (2dc). Mil and her husband can be difficult and hard work . If we wanted to get away I’d rather go as a family. I couldn’t bear going away with my own family either. It’s not just my idea of fun.

Plus we are skint and probably couldn’t even afford a cheap holiday right now.

Aibu? Advice? Don’t want to hurt her feelings? We were thinking of booking a weekend away much later in the year (again if we can) but feel like if we book it she’ll get agro she isn’t involved.

Mil loves this kind of thing. She’s always holidayed with her parents (when still alive), her brothers and sisters, niece and nephews etc. Dp always went away as a child with his numerous cousins and said he always hated it 😅 we aren’t overly sociable people and like doing our own thing.

Aibu? Am I just being an unsociable git? Shall I just give in and go and try and have a good time?

Tricky. You could be vague not sure our plans this year. My mother has endless strops when we holiday we dont take her. Very hard work. I avoid the topic. My mil is a dream! I find these things get set in stone too

@FlickeringHugs Then just tell her you are going back to holidaying as immediate family as that is what is most comfortable for you. That's it. No need to explain further.

@Cokie3
As both a DIL and MIL I heartily disagree with you. 😁

Don't do it!
You'll set a precedent.
Just say you can't afford it, wouldn't be comfortable with covid sitch and throw in a few other reasons for good measure.
Ultimately it's up to your DH to tell her surely?

Yep its set in stone then thats why I dont do it!! A yearly thing then

@byvirtue

My mil has suggested the same. I can just about manage a weekend but would probably murder her after a week. We’ve managed to put her off this year #covid but as some point I’m going to have to put my big girl pants on and tell her our holidays are sacred and we will spend them doing what we want and going where we want to go. Especially since we haven’t had a holiday in bloody forever. I can’t imagine anything worse than going on someone else’s holiday, for the sake of it.

I hate posts like this. How lovely that someone wants to spend time with you and you think of her like this?

How would you feel in 20 years time if your children and their partners spoke and felt like this about you - it's so disrespectful and so selfish.

She won't be around forever, and in the meantime, remember that she loves your DH as much as you love your children and she simply wants to spend time with you all. How simply awful of her.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Bloody hell, nest of vipers etc. Do you not all think this year has been tough for everybody? You might live in your marvellous self indulgent perfect southern coast bubble, but I'm guessing they maybe don't?

Maybe, just, (how unreasonably), they want to catch up with you and give their grandchildren a hug?

I know it's all been hard for everyone, but for goodness' sake, give your head a wobble. If it's been tough for you, chances are it's been bloody awful for them. ☹️ Come up with something. ( My daughter is desperate to holiday with us!) 🤷‍♀️

I totally agree with you.

I find it staggering how people talk about their in laws on MN. It's so disrespectful and sad.

My mil (and fil to an extent) is a nightmare. Not helpful, loud, unlikeable, opinionated, not respectful of our space, parenting etc. Mil always pushing for holidays together. I’d rather eat my own toenails.

It’s tricky in that my family are great holiday companions - fun, do their own thing as well as us having some fun times together, help out with DC. Our holidays are better when they are there.

We do a compromise. We have a night away somewhere with my in-laws - say going to an attraction with DC then overnighter. Plus we have a night or two at their caravan each year. A necessary and fair sacrifice I feel.

Mil still threatens to turn up on our abroad holidays. DH tells her exac why we don’t have extended holidays with her and that if she does turn up on our holiday we will leave and she won’t see the DC on return. Standing up to a bully is awkward it important.

Families eh?

I do think you need to give somewhere. Your DH is her family too. Nevermind this ‘only nuclear’ crap. Very selfish.

@Cokie3 it would be that simple to tell her, i agree. we could say it and then if she doesnt take it well we could, quite reasonably, avoid her and not put up with the behaviour.

....It would then not be that simple to have family members ringing on her behalf because shes gotten so upset that shes been admitted to hospital and theyre worried about her. And its down to us. Or having her "bump into" my friends outside their offices/houses and tell them how shes a grieving widow and weve disowned her because we dont want to deal with her grief. Or her making my siblings lives hell if they come near us, because of "what we have done". Which means some family members would be "too busy" to come to our childrens birthday parties etc (as they dont want the fallout or in some cases DM provides childcare for them). plus much much more. none of this would be fun or something I'm willing to do. Because I do care about my reputation and also about my extended family who would be caught in the middle unfairly. Shes relentless. And thats my prerogative. I was advising the OP not to start something they do not wish to continue. Saying you dont want to do something anymore is easy, its the aftermath when youre not dealing with rational people thats the downside.

@FlickeringHugs

We go up to Scotland yearly and hire a cabin for a week in August. Have done it for over 10 years. Same town and we love it. Few years ago my DStepdad had cancer so DM hinted that a break would do him good and she couldnt manage his care alone or the long drive up etc etc. I invited them with us. She doesnt mean to be but is very hard work. Needs attention 24/7 and followed us round the entire time. She has very strong opinions and doesnt let up. One day while on the holiday, in a shop the young lad short changed her 2p and she began screaming he was a thief and telling other shoppers to "check your change, hes a thief". Mortifying. She blamed her behaviour on stress but shes always been like this.

So the next year, 2020, it came up in conversation (that she started) that we were going to Scotland, as usual, in the August. She then said she loved it so much and couldnt wait. We hadnt invited her. She just assumed she was now part of our annual trip. Obviously covid hit and it didnt go ahead.

She has already asked us if we are booking for August this year, as she needs a break and cant wait.

We now will never be returning to Scotland again. Its dead to us. Also August holidays are a thing of the past. We will have to go to extremes to break the "tradition" of going away in August or to Scotland as "we always go together" at that time and place.

YANBU and I would not go with them unless you intend to continue it forward.

This is a real shame. Is there any way you can go as usual and just not tell her (or use the ‘it was a very impromptu trip due to a last minute great deal’ excuse if you mention it afterwards)? That should break the cycle so she doesn’t expect to come next year.

allnoirchatsdeux it sounds like you have a DP problem, he doesn't seem to back you in any shape or form in relation to his family.
I have been away, grudgingly, with in-laws and, after a few less than enjoyable weekends, realised that we can all have a good time if we go our separate ways for at least some of the time. We go out for breakfast, they stay in the hotel/villa. They go for a walk, we go to a bar etc. We will meet up for dinner or to hire a boat or something more fun if a few of you do it.
I agree with posters pointing out it is kind to be kind.

Just tell her you don’t think you will be going away this year with covid etc etc. Tell her what you have said here, you have everything around you

Don’t mention you can’t afford it as well, just say you and do have made the decision to stay at home

If you do decide to go away for a weekend, then dont mention it, then when you come back just say it was a last minute decision

But you will have to have the conversation that you don’t want holidays with extended family at some point

Nope. Tried holidaying with PILs twice, never happening again ever. Holidays are worse than living with someone, if you wouldn't live with them, don't holiday with them.

@HTH1 Unfortunately my BIL works for my DH in his office and she would know we were off. We could lie about the place but I wouldnt feel comfortable making DCs lie etc. It wouldnt be worth it and I think it would spoil my enjoyment of the holiday.

She is extremely attention seeking and would happily go into a shop and cry and break down. She lives in the town I grew up in so would think nothing of going seeing my school friend X wherever they work and turning on the waterworks. Having her able to, truthfully, say "They lied" just isnt something I want.

We plan on just changing the month and place for a while. As you say, breaking the cycle. Im sure we will return one day. It just needs a change for now until its not a "tradition" as such. She tends to attach to one child and harass them for a while then move target. It was our "mistake" to agree to them coming with us to be fair.

My in laws have a week long trip planned, we are going for 3 nights (camping), which will be fine. Aside from anything else, DH and I don't have the annual leave to spend a week on a big family holiday. We are not going to forego our actual holiday after the year we've all had.

We're both old enough and wise enough to know that extended family holidays of more than 3 nights are both hard work and risk family rifts, in both of our families.

I hate posts like this.
How lovely that someone wants to spend time with you and you think of her like this?

How would you feel in 20 years time if your children and their partners spoke and felt like this about you - it's so disrespectful and so selfish.

She won't be around forever, and in the meantime, remember that she loves your DH as much as you love your children and she simply wants to spend time with you all. How simply awful of her.

I can totally see that my children might not want the same sorts of holidays as me when they are older. They don't as kids and I adapt our holidays to suit their likes because they're kids - I still don't do stuff I hate but they aren't the sorts of holidays I'd have in any other situation. I don't expect to do that as when they are adults and I don't expect them to do it for me either.

If we all enjoy the same sort of holidays then that will be a bonus and we might spend some of them together, but it's not a "right". Holidays are too expensive and infrequent for them not to be something everyone going on them enjoys.

I would never waste money on a holiday with the in laws. They never eat anything other than Indian food, complain about everything, and would be really horrible if we tried tried to do our own thing anyway. Husband agrees but he does he feel guilty sometimes when he goes on holiday with my family, especially when his sister talks about going to Spain with us (she’s the worst of the lot).

Just let her down gently - say you have plans or can’t get time off work or that you want to focus on rebuilding your dc’s friendships this summer.

Some families are easy to bring away and some just are not. My husband does not want to be tied to someone elses agenda. Fair enough. Im very vague if she asks.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Bloody hell, nest of vipers etc. Do you not all think this year has been tough for everybody? You might live in your marvellous self indulgent perfect southern coast bubble, but I'm guessing they maybe don't?

Maybe, just, (how unreasonably), they want to catch up with you and give their grandchildren a hug?

I know it's all been hard for everyone, but for goodness' sake, give your head a wobble. If it's been tough for you, chances are it's been bloody awful for them. ☹️ Come up with something. ( My daughter is desperate to holiday with us!) 🤷‍♀️

Why are you assuming this year has been so much harder for the grandparents [confused[. They won't have had to deal with homeschooling, if they're retired won't have had to worry about how they will balance WFH/caring for kids, or that they'll catch covid from colleagues of members of the public. They've got each other so haven't been alone like thousands of others have...they could have had a much less stressful time than OP?

OP hasn't said she doesn't want them ever to see their grandkids again...she's just said she doesn't want to waste money they haven't got, to travel somewhere that's less nice than the place they already live in, to have a rubbish time with people she doesn't like. Seems reasonable to me?

@Roobie51

Just say "we prefer to go just the 4 of us" and anyway - "Money is tight so we haven't even planned anything ourselves"

End of

Don't get upset about it just tell her straight otherwise she'll keep on about it which is draining

We had the same with some friends who kept wanting to hijack our family holiday and join us
We just said "no it's out quality family time"

My BIL has been on at my DH for us to go on holiday together... no bloody thanks. He talks so much shite I'd want to chuck him in the pool. What a thought. Thankfully DH agrees.

@GrumpyHoonMain
Don’t you feel any guilt that you get to go on holiday with your own family yet your DH isn’t able to do the same with his?

Its nice to hear someone content to be home and not filled with stir crazy Covid madness .

I can't bear to stay at the in-laws house for a visit let alone holiday together because I LOVE my privacy. I think that's why God invented hotels but that's just me.

I totally get it...

[quote Cokie3]@FlickeringHugs See this is the thing that pisses me off about this site, to the extent it makes me want to shake people to snap the heck out of it; people sacrificing their family's happiness because of a badly behaved bully.

WHY can't you just tell her you found her behaviour inappropriate last time and you prefer to go back to holidaying with yourselves?

Is there some reason you don't have the backbone to do that?

Like fuck would I stop going on MY family's annual holiday because of a bully who has no self awareness. Jesus, woman up.[/quote]
I absolutely agree with you. It’s infuriating how many on this site just meekly go along with things that make them miserable.

YANBU. My in laws kept hinting they wanted to travel to a specific county we were considering visiting but 'didn't want to go alone' & MIL admitted she wanted someone else to do all the work. I changed our plans immediately. They are horrid people. They wanted a free tour guide, couldn't/wouldn't walk far, MIL needed disabled accomodations, has multiple health conditions & we'd have needed a people mover & she would have insisted on the front seat. I would have spent my entire holiday organising everything down to making sure they were up, happy with meals, etc., not being able to do anything I wanted (like hiking) & sitting in the back of the car with FIL & kids. And no matter what, they're never happy with anything. No way!!!!