I don’t want to holiday with my in laws.

[Roobie51]

Hi all, mil keeps pestering me asking if we can all go on a break together (within in the U.K. when covid allows she means).

At this point with covid I’m in no rush to book a holiday with everything going on. I live in a beautiful coastal town in the southwest and I don’t really feel the need to get away for now. I can understand why others might want to get away buy I have so much in my doorstep and I’m happy staying put for a while.

As well as covid I just cannot bear the thought of going away with them. Dp feels similar. We like to do our own thing just the 4 of us (2dc). Mil and her husband can be difficult and hard work . If we wanted to get away I’d rather go as a family. I couldn’t bear going away with my own family either. It’s not just my idea of fun.

Plus we are skint and probably couldn’t even afford a cheap holiday right now.

Aibu? Advice? Don’t want to hurt her feelings? We were thinking of booking a weekend away much later in the year (again if we can) but feel like if we book it she’ll get agro she isn’t involved.

Mil loves this kind of thing. She’s always holidayed with her parents (when still alive), her brothers and sisters, niece and nephews etc. Dp always went away as a child with his numerous cousins and said he always hated it 😅 we aren’t overly sociable people and like doing our own thing.

Aibu? Am I just being an unsociable git? Shall I just give in and go and try and have a good time?

[quote Helendee]@GrumpyHoonMain
Don’t you feel any guilt that you get to go on holiday with your own family yet your DH isn’t able to do the same with his?[/quote]
No. Neither my DH nor I can even bare to spend time with them when we visit. They are so bad.

You know , if you live somewhere lovely I think @giletrouge might have a good compromise there - they can stay in a B&B or air B&B or hotel ( depending on budget ) near to you and you can do daily things or meals in the evening or whatever. I have been to see my parents often and we have booked local accommodation. Not always but if there were other family - we would be the first to volunteer to stay locally somewhere nice,

We often have the same pressure! I suggest day trips instead... and they're only mildly tolerable.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Bloody hell, nest of vipers etc. Do you not all think this year has been tough for everybody? You might live in your marvellous self indulgent perfect southern coast bubble, but I'm guessing they maybe don't?

Maybe, just, (how unreasonably), they want to catch up with you and give their grandchildren a hug?

I know it's all been hard for everyone, but for goodness' sake, give your head a wobble. If it's been tough for you, chances are it's been bloody awful for them. ☹️ Come up with something. ( My daughter is desperate to holiday with us!) 🤷‍♀️

I think you’ve jumped to conclusions. My in laws live 8 miles away in a even nicer place than us. We see them regularly when covid allows!

Thanks all. Glad I’m not alone feeling like this. They live very locally and when covid allows we see them regularly for an hour or two at a time as that’s enough!

At the minute I’ve told her we can’t as we have a doggy and no doggy care for her. She wouldn’t cope in kennels and my family couldn’t have her due to their own dogs so might

Posted too soon.. might the be the perfect excuse because of our dog!

Don’t ever go on a holiday that they pay for either. My DF paid for holiday accommodation for us all once, which meant he got to ignore our points about what would suit his young grandsons. It was a very uncomfortable week.

Your dp should be dealing with this, she’s his Mum

My SIL wants to do a ski holiday with us. I can see why it would suit her (she is separated from her partner and has 3 teenagers so wants a ski holiday but also to share the logistical and practical burden, she also doesn't cook at all). She used to go every year with MIL and FIL, but they announced 2 years ago that they were stopping with the ski holidays (probably sick of it after 10 years, Plus they always paid accommodation and probably more as they are very generous).

I don't like skiing particularly ( it's ok, but I didn't grow up with skiing like them, so am not very good, I would only want a couple of days of it max) plus I find being with the 3 teenager really stressful ( lots of shrieking and shouting and jumping about, while SIL calmly ignores it all). 100% don't want to go on holiday with them and also not skiing. SIL now assumes we are going together, weirdly, because she's announced she wants to do it. She said in Feb that it was a shame it was COVID otherwise we would all be on the slopes now. We have literally never said anything about it. Its never going to happen! Fortunately DH agrees.

@TorchesTorches, sounds like she wants you to subsidise her holiday. Passes and equipment hire for her plus three teens will be so expensive. I'm guessing that she'll expect you to pay for the accommodation (and possibly transfers) under the guise of 'splitting the overall cost fairly'.

I remember a holiday with my in-laws...they took their other grandchildren away and we were invited along. When we got there we were on the sofa bed...in the main and only living area right next to the toilet. Father in law told me he might trip over me in the night as he need to use the toilet a lot. It was self catering and obviously I was expected to cook for the whole time and look after all children. The electricity went off so not hot water for even a coffee in the morning....it rained constantly and I’d had a miscarriage days before we went.

So in answer to the few posters who think we are selfish for not going away with family...sometimes there are very good reasons!

I divorced him and now do go away with family. We have a fab time and people are invited, no pressure and share the cooking!!

We go on holiday with all 3 of my adult children and grandchildren, with my mum, with my sister and brothers in law and nephews and nieces and we love it! We all love being together...we all enjoy each other’s company and always have a great time.......I’ve even been on holiday with my DDs MIL!.......different horses and all that I guess....

Oh god... why don’t you just make something up like how I’ve done! My SIL has booked a holiday in sept for 7 days to Bournemouth but I’m already going on a family trip staycation and then hopefully to Greece in September so a) I can’t afford it b) I’m also preparing for my piano diploma exam end of this year so can’t spend lots of time without practicing and c) why would I spend a lot of money on an expensive holiday where I know I’m not going to enjoy myself. It would be with 9 people and all they do is talk about politics or history all.Day.long. MIL is lovely and I enjoy spending time with her but with the other family members I just don’t click with them in regards to conversation I’m bored within 5 minutes. My husband is going through for 5 nights and me and my son will stay here at home and I’m just SO excited to have my space from my husband!!! I love him but living together 24/7 in our flat since lockdown last year has driven us both coocoo.

People want different things when they away. It ends up stressful. Not all families get on..

I hear you! I would rather jump off a cliff or push my mother-in-law off one than holiday with them again. Friends of mine say 'oh well, it's all expenses paid, why complain' but the mental turmoil that it creates within me and the discord it triggers between my husband and I make it absurd for me to put my sanity on the line for this nonsense. Always remember, friends are the family that you choose along the way! Hang in there!

We don't say no because it's rarely simple. We did 10 years of holidays with the in-laws because they are lovely people who generously booked a heavily subsidised holiday that should have suited all of us. Dh found it appallingly stressful, not least because he adored his parents and could never admit that seeing them while essential to him also made him ill. Eventually when he was so ill he spent the whole holiday in bed, I grew a backbone and refused to go again. Life is not straight forward. But never allow holidays to become compulsory. There are other ways to spend time with people.

Don’t lie and say you’re strapped for cash, if they then offer to pay you have no reason to say no.

I went away with my in laws once. On paper it was amazing - fantastic long haul destination I could never have considered visiting, all paid for. However I’m a bit of a laid back traveller, I have rough plans of things I want to do and see what happens. They are the opposite with pretty much every hour being planned out. Whilst away we had to negotiate a couple of ‘days off’ and at one point we stayed on a couple of hours somewhere and travelled separately just to get some down time. I really struggled and I had travelled the world at that point. They treated us like children and we had no say in where we went or when.

It was an amazing holiday but it was all too much. Needless to say we haven’t been away again. I did feel like a bit of a spoilt brat but I really struggled with no independence.

Conversely we have also been away with my parents. But occasionally we do stuff together but mainly apart and then catch up over meals. It’s a good compromise. My hubby probably utterly hates it though!

Honestly I think I'd just be totally honest and say that I am totally precious about holidays ( which I am as we both work full time and kids do loads of activities.)
My holidays are totally sacra-cent to us as they are the only times we get together just Us as a family unit and I think it's important .

Zombie, I know, but very relevant, IMO. I think people need to be far more honest (brutal). My dm goes abroad with extended family and relies on them heavily, which is not ideal. I went one year but it was horrific, meant to be a surprise for my parents, but my dad died the week before. I’m never going again, I have awful memories. One relative told me I should go to look after my aged dm who wants to go back to the accommodation by midnight while they want to stay out and party. They invited her!

The whole family like to book a huge country house and go annually but it’s all about the dc (as it should be when you have family) so not suitable for me, no young dc and my dh refuses to go on holiday with 17 other people 😱

This thread reminds me that I should make sure that my Sons in law know how much I appreciate them. We all had a lovely holiday together last autumn (though each couple has had their own holiday too) and we plan to do the same sometime later this year.

Just say you can’t afford it. I’ve done it twice with mine. Was OK, but not something I’m in a hurry to repeat. I choose carefully who I spend my time with these days and I decided I don’t really like them that much.

I agree with other posters DO NOT use affording it as an excuse because if she then says oh my treat you are stuffed.

@noirchatsdeux

I made the mistake of going away for a long weekend with my partner's family...it's was his aunt's 60th birthday. Her husband had rented a large villa in Scotland and paid for everyone to fly up (he was extremely wealthy). I'd been feeling very unwell for the week beforehand and really didn't want to go, but my partner made a big deal about the money that had been spent on the plane ticket...

The first night, after travelling for 12 hours, we went straight out for a meal - we weren't even given any time to change, freshen up beforehand. Long meal lasting about 4 hours, get back to villa just before midnight. I've already been sick once in the evening, I tell partner I'm going straight to bed. Unfortunately our bedroom was directly above the living room where the majority of the party - about 10 people - decide to stay up all night getting drunk...partner finally staggers to bed, drunk out of his mind, at 8am. The day before, he'd been given an itinerary (?) of the weekend's events ...which he's promptly lost. Apparently we were supposed to be going to some scenic railway at 10am. Partner is unconscious, I can't wake him and I don't know about this outing anyway. No one bothers coming to see if we are coming... I spent a very boring day stuck in our room watching my unconscious partner (we are in the tit end of nowhere and there is literally nothing else around). He finally surfaces at about 5pm, is up an hour and still feels terrible so goes back to bed...we finally make it downstairs at about 8pm....to looks that could kill from his parents. Apparently we've missed the catered dinner - to this day, I still ask why did none of the fuckers come and knock on our door??

Already long story shorter, partner's father has never forgiven me for my 'bad' behaviour that weekend - yes I got the blame for the lot - and couldn't have cared less that I ended up in hospital the next week with double pneumonia...

There's been other stuff since but suffice to say I've not seen partner's parents in about 5 years and there's more chance of me going to Mars than on another holiday with them...

OMG. I remember this from you posting, maybe 2 years ago? Your partner's family are nuts.

I'm just back from a holiday with my MIL. I don't recommend it...