Precious about mother's day

[NessanDormant]

Just that really. I am I being precious about the following or can you think of a way to get out of my mindset....

Last year, it was my first mother's day with the child DP and I have together. Our relationship was not in a good place, at his doing. He didn't get me anything, my own mother got a little card for me from the baby as it was my first mother's days to her, and although I didn't say anything, it upset me even more because it brought home that the only thing was from my own mother on a day that (when a child is too young to do anything themselves) is imho for DP to make you feel a little appreciated for everything you do as a mum.

Last valentine's, he got me nothing as well. This year, I told him I'd got him a card and a little something, and he went into this big "oh I'm not sure you'll like what I've got" episode. He's done this before when he hasn't actually got me anything at all, so I suspected the same, but thought, just wait and see. So valentine's, I woke up already quite dejected because of what I was predicting. It came and went, and I just got sadder throughout the day as my card to him sat unopened, with the card from him, as I was waiting for a "happy valentine's" and to have my first ever gift. He said afterwards that he had got me something I really wanted but I was so sad all day it was impossible to give to me, and he can't give it too me now because of the negative feeling he will associate with it. I sort of get that, but after him always getting me nothing, I was waiting for him to make the first move and it wasn't rocket science for him to see that. I know that may sound childish, but it hurts to keep being the one who always gives thoughtful things and not receive anything back, especially when I did so at times when he was being a terrible partner.

So, it's mother's day tomorrow. And he is asking me what I want for dinner so he can cook it. I'm already feeling quiet because I just have last year, and this valentine's playing over in my head. AIBU to think he should be able to think just once about what he can do, without me having to decide myself and tell him. I'm not in the mood to find a recipe to tell him to cook it.

If I don't, he won't do anything, then like valentine's will say that I would have had a nice day/a gift if it wasn't for my own behaviour.

I know I probably sound precious, but I've spent so long not ever having anything because our relationship was not in a good place, but it was genuinely all his doing. He now says he wants the opportunity to show me what we could have, and without going into details, after what he's done and I've stayed with him, he should be doing this with bells and whistles. And this transpired into how he dealt with valentine's, and I guess that's why it's prickling me so much that for mother's day, after doing nothing for our first, he now looks to me to tell him what meal he should cook. I hope people can see that I'm really not ungrateful at the concept of someone cooking for me, and that there is a bigger picture here.

I just know I'll wake up tomorrow, expecting groundhog Day, I'll be sad from the start, he'll then say he could do nothing because of this, and this will be the "reason" the day is ruined. I told him after valentine's why I was sad all day, I was expecting no acknowledgement again and waiting for him to prove me wrong.

Sorry so long, didn't want to drip feed.

You both sound a bit difficult - the passive aggressive crap from both of you will continue to ruin special days unless you both do something about it. You’re playing the martyr and getting yourself into self fulfilling prophesies too - everything in your history is his fault but you’re also guilty for putting up with it.

Yeah it's started already. He's been out, had something to do, and the plan was to then pick up the food for tomorrow, and the pot (at his office on way back) home.

He's just arrived. No food. No pot. Saying roadworks prevented him, and he didn't want to be any later home to put DD to bed. He's saying he'll pop out tomorrow, to get the food and the pot.

I suspect he's buying more time to think of how he can "reveal" the pot that doesn't exist...doesn't exist.

No, it shouldn't be like this. Its very easy to say "it shouldn't be like this, find someone else". But I have an older child who I've raised on my own, who will be an adult in a few years, and the thought of starting all over again as a single mother, so much older, another child without their father at home, without the real family unit I swore I would never be without if I ever had another child...that's as saddening as the thought of carrying on like this.

Whatever you say, whatever you do, he'll say he didn't buy you a gift and it's your fault because XYZ.

It's time for you to end it. Really. You can't make him be a different person, and I would say also he's doing all this so that you call time on the relationship and he can say it's your fault. I'd be asking him to leave.

@NessanDormant

Yeah it's started already. He's been out, had something to do, and the plan was to then pick up the food for tomorrow, and the pot (at his office on way back) home.

He's just arrived. No food. No pot. Saying roadworks prevented him, and he didn't want to be any later home to put DD to bed. He's saying he'll pop out tomorrow, to get the food and the pot.

I suspect he's buying more time to think of how he can "reveal" the pot that doesn't exist...doesn't exist.

No, it shouldn't be like this. Its very easy to say "it shouldn't be like this, find someone else". But I have an older child who I've raised on my own, who will be an adult in a few years, and the thought of starting all over again as a single mother, so much older, another child without their father at home, without the real family unit I swore I would never be without if I ever had another child...that's as saddening as the thought of carrying on like this.

Again, ‘you suspect...’. Have a grown up conversation, for goodness’ sake! You are also responsible for your relationship!

OP, you may not fancy another 18 years as a single parent, but do you really want another 18 years of this? Of being miserable every time he shows you how little he cares?
What do you actually get out of this relationship at the moment? Because it certainly isn’t love or companionship, is it?

If you were sad I don't understand why he wouldn't give you the gift to cheer you up?? Then he could have associated it with cheering you up rather than you being sad.

I apologise for this because it’s going to sound harsh.

But YABU. This man consistently lets you down, doesn’t get you surprise lovely gifts or even planned lovely gifts that you’ve asked for. He doesn’t want to give you a (probably nonexistent) gift because of the negative associations - but actually you agree on that as you also don’t want to buy one for yourself for the same reason?

Bottom line is, he doesn’t care enough to even try and make you happy, and you’re too meek to do anything other than mope about feeling sad at the state of your relationship.

When you describe the relationship that you’ve settled for because you’d prefer your daughter’s parents to be together, it just feels grey. Don’t you want some colour? Some spark?

You’re settling for a man who is never ever going to be the man you want. It sounds like neither of you like each other much, and while he doesn’t sound great, it also sounds like your communication style is wishing and hoping and passive aggressive comments rather than having grown up conversations.

You are responsible for your own life. If he doesn’t make you happy, then change it.

This sounds like an incredibly vicious circle. I'm going to be charitable to your DP here, and present a possibility from his angle, and you can be the judge of how accurate that might be because none of us know.

OK, so your DP is thinking "Things have been shitty in the past, and I know a lot of that is down to me but I want to try to get things back on track here. It's mother's day tomorrow, I'll ask her what she would like for dinner. I know when I try to think of stuff myself there's always a reason it's not good enough and she's unhappy, but if I ask and she tells me explicitly, well I can try to do that. O fucccckkkk, she's asked about that pot, and I took it back/didn't get it (whatever)....ahhhhh, she's setting me up to fail again. I should never have pretended to get the pot/taken pot back....it's going to be exactly the same story as always, I can't do anything right, nothing is going to be good enough. It's like she wants me to fail so that she can say 'I told you so', and be miserable again . I don't know how to escape this, I know I've been an idiot in the past, but I just want to try to get out of this rut of misery and do something right for a change. If only she could be happy when I try something, but I feel like she'll never be happy, in fact it's almost like she's anticipating being unhappy before she even is!!....well why should I keep trying when nothing I do is right? I might as well do nothing at all, I can't stand being knocked back like this constantly. It's easier to do nothing, it's too hurtful to be met with misery all the time."

Ok, so maybe that is far too charitable - only you can be the judge OP. But do you think there is some 'learned helplessness' going on here - for you both?

Has he ever done anything lovely and thoughtful for you? Are you married? You make it sound like he puts in very little effort.

He's useless, but don't set yourself up for happiness. You'd be foolish to continue basing your happiness on him. Base your happiness on your independence and the love you have for your baby.

And leave him before 2021 is out. He's not going to change. He's carrying on like a moody teenager when he's FORTY for the love of God. There's a reason he was single and childless when you met him, and this is it.

Op even if he did buy the valentines gift, he's being an absolute cunt withholding it because you didn't act how he wanted you to.

He’s punishing you for having his dd. You really need to fuck this one off back 5o mummy because he’s not going to change at 40.

Relationships are not meant to be like this, he’s emotionally abusing you and getting away with it.

The pot will have been stolen or broken

Can you see how manipulative he is? I don’t think you can, yet. He didn’t have a gift for you last year, if he had he would’ve given it to you. By saying he couldn’t because it would have negative feelings around it is bullshit! He didn’t have anything for you!

By putting the emphasis on you and your behaviour he’s convincing you it’s your fault. He behaves the way he does because the way you behave makes him behave like that. Can you see that?

I really just think you should cut your losses. If you have an older child, surely they are not happy watching you being treated like this?

I’m not sure what the idea was with bringing the pot up? It seems he’s been an absolute dick for a long time, so I’m sure you don’t need to catch him out? Plus a decent guy, upon seeing you upset, would have produced said pot to cheer you up. It seems by bringing it up you’re rubbing salt in to your own wounds.

He is always going to disappoint you, why would you settle for that?

If you are going to stay you’re going to have to accept this behaviour, so you’re going to need to work out how to manage your unhappiness, and manage your children and their interpretation of their dad/step dad treating their mum like shit.

He doesn’t sound especially thoughtful, although a lot of adults don’t see the point in Valentine’s Day. But OP you sound determined to wallow and create misery, you were determined to be go miserable last month on Valentines Day and you are determined to be miserable and think the worst tomorrow. What on earth is wrong with him asking you what you fancy for a dinner he will prepare for you? I am absolutely flummoxed over what he has done wrong here. DH and I both have birthdays coming up, we won’t be able to go out so we will cook for each other and we have certainly discussed what to have.

The only person I feel sorry for in this whole mess is your daughter.

My father also didn't want children. He managed 10 years of it - cheating on my mother the whole time - before he got work abroad and essentially left fatherhood behind.

My mother, instead of doing the sane thing and putting her 3 children first, put him and her marriage first. My childhood was crap. I always knew my parents didn't even like, let alone love, each other. My father finally left my mother for another woman when I was 21.

Do your daughter a favour, be a good mother and get someone who didn't even want her to exist out of her life.

You seem to have cast youself as the tragic heroine. Your life is not a movie, its real and your poor kids don't have a choice in this unhappy household. Yo do, get a grip and sort it out.

Do not leave him.
The secure people on here crying LTB would never do it themselves.
Remember how hard single motherhood is! I am one.
It's not that much of a crime what hes done. You're also quite passive aggressive / intolerant. Everyone has faults.
Just try to be nice to each other.

My aunt was persistent in getting me to leave my ex. I miss him and it's been 14 years. Hard years. My aunt said lots of what pp have said above, but it's not easier and there certainly wasnt a knight in shining armour round the corner! All the men our age on OLD want women 20 years younger.

@Crystal90567 I've LTB twice. First time I was 23, he'd just broken my jaw for the second time and I had no money. I was homeless, on the streets for 2 weeks. I approached a charity, and even though I was just outside the age range of people they could help, they helped me find a bedsit. A month later I got myself on a training scheme that led to a good job.

OP needs to be thinking of her daughter, not what her chances of finding another man are, FFS!

@Crystal90567 I've LTB twice. First time I was 23, he'd just broken my jaw for the second time and I had no money. I was homeless, on the streets for 2 weeks. I approached a charity, and even though I was just outside the age range of people they could help, they helped me find a bedsit. A month later I got myself on a training scheme that led to a good job.

OP needs to be thinking of her daughter, not what her chances of finding another man are, FFS!

Again, ‘you suspect...’. Have a grown up conversation, for goodness’ sake! You are also responsible for your relationship!

Absolutely not this time. This time I'm saying nothing. I'm all smiles and can't wait for tomorrow. He will have zero reason to "blame" me for not getting the food or the pot. Then I'll have all the information I need depending on how tomorrow plays out.

did you actually say what you wanted for dinner?

The pair of you sound like teenagers honestly. You're crying and moaning about Hallmark holidays and he's clearly lying to you and being an absolute fruitcake saying he can't gift you something because you're sad.

Serious good luck to your children coming through a relationship as ridiculous and toxic as this without serious issues.

LTB. Do your kids a favour.

I've read your posts op. How long have you been back together? As it seems yiure approaching that point where you realise a leopard doesn't change its spots in this case.

I don't think you're obessesd with made up days. What you wnat is a loving relationship and to be recognised as a loving mother. Personally we don't do valentines day. But I have a loving equal relationship with my partner. So I'm not looking to valentines day for this to be demonstrated. So this is worth thinking about to. Not that you shouldn't want to celebrate these days. But why are you putting so much emphasis on them?

He sounds quite manipulative and incapable. A man child in many ways not just wanting a free lifestyle. I'm not sure I could forgive that behaviour on a pregnancy. It never fails to amaze me what women will put up with to raise a child with both parents. I wonder if he's seeing this and realising he can get away with treating you like shit.