Precious about mother's day

[NessanDormant]

Just that really. I am I being precious about the following or can you think of a way to get out of my mindset....

Last year, it was my first mother's day with the child DP and I have together. Our relationship was not in a good place, at his doing. He didn't get me anything, my own mother got a little card for me from the baby as it was my first mother's days to her, and although I didn't say anything, it upset me even more because it brought home that the only thing was from my own mother on a day that (when a child is too young to do anything themselves) is imho for DP to make you feel a little appreciated for everything you do as a mum.

Last valentine's, he got me nothing as well. This year, I told him I'd got him a card and a little something, and he went into this big "oh I'm not sure you'll like what I've got" episode. He's done this before when he hasn't actually got me anything at all, so I suspected the same, but thought, just wait and see. So valentine's, I woke up already quite dejected because of what I was predicting. It came and went, and I just got sadder throughout the day as my card to him sat unopened, with the card from him, as I was waiting for a "happy valentine's" and to have my first ever gift. He said afterwards that he had got me something I really wanted but I was so sad all day it was impossible to give to me, and he can't give it too me now because of the negative feeling he will associate with it. I sort of get that, but after him always getting me nothing, I was waiting for him to make the first move and it wasn't rocket science for him to see that. I know that may sound childish, but it hurts to keep being the one who always gives thoughtful things and not receive anything back, especially when I did so at times when he was being a terrible partner.

So, it's mother's day tomorrow. And he is asking me what I want for dinner so he can cook it. I'm already feeling quiet because I just have last year, and this valentine's playing over in my head. AIBU to think he should be able to think just once about what he can do, without me having to decide myself and tell him. I'm not in the mood to find a recipe to tell him to cook it.

If I don't, he won't do anything, then like valentine's will say that I would have had a nice day/a gift if it wasn't for my own behaviour.

I know I probably sound precious, but I've spent so long not ever having anything because our relationship was not in a good place, but it was genuinely all his doing. He now says he wants the opportunity to show me what we could have, and without going into details, after what he's done and I've stayed with him, he should be doing this with bells and whistles. And this transpired into how he dealt with valentine's, and I guess that's why it's prickling me so much that for mother's day, after doing nothing for our first, he now looks to me to tell him what meal he should cook. I hope people can see that I'm really not ungrateful at the concept of someone cooking for me, and that there is a bigger picture here.

I just know I'll wake up tomorrow, expecting groundhog Day, I'll be sad from the start, he'll then say he could do nothing because of this, and this will be the "reason" the day is ruined. I told him after valentine's why I was sad all day, I was expecting no acknowledgement again and waiting for him to prove me wrong.

Sorry so long, didn't want to drip feed.

You seem completely preoccupied with made up hallmark days instead of addressing that you’re in a horrible relationship with a horrible man who didn’t even want your daughter and now your daughter is learning about relationships from you setting her up to then go find her own horrible man to treat her badly and so the cycle continues.

You have much bigger problems than tomorrow. You really need to take a look at your situation and start planning to leave it. Your poor child.

OP, your bloke is manipulative, emotionally abusive arsehole. You're always in the wrong. He tells you not to buy him anything for his birthday, you don't - wrong. He makes up some reason to be offended with you over a valentine's present and not only does he lie through his teeth about his gift, but the whole set is "tainted" forever so you can never have it . Aren't you starting to see through his assholery?

Get shot of the limited wanker, and have a nice life without him.

I bet he's a fuckwit in other areas of your life together, not just the present-giving.

Life is too short to spend with a point-scoring, manipulative bloke.

I'd say this is emotional abuse. He knows what is important to you but deliberately goes out of his way to upset you by cruel tricks. He's horrible. This is different from just not bothering.

"And actually it would be a big eye opener to see if he had actually got the pot, and it was my sulking that stopped him."
you sound desperate. and that you have accepted that a. you were "sulking" and b. that was a good enough reason to be deliberately unkind

You seem completely preoccupied with made up hallmark day

I'm truly not. I think as a PP said, these days can highlight what's missing in your life.

I voted yabu because honestly he's telling you who he is, he's a selfish, emotionally manipulative tosspot. Don't expect him to change, he wont. Raise the bar OP you're worth more than this. Get rid.

I feel like neither of you are coming out of this well OP

I mean "He said afterwards that he had got me something I really wanted but I was so sad all day it was impossible to give to me, and he can't give it too me now because of the negative feeling he will associate with it" is the biggest crock of over emotional angsty shite I've ever heard. If someone is sad because they think you've forgotten a present, just give them the bloody present.

But I will ask my husband what he wants for dinner on his birthday, as...its his birthday and I want him to have his preferred dinner (which was a takeaway this year as he wanted to chill together instead of me spending ages cooking). Its absolutely not because I cant be arsed and I wouldn't do anything special if he said he didn't mind.

I think there is a lot of second guessing here. You're never going to forgive him if you are assuming the worst and getting upset about stuff before it's even happened. I think if this relationship has any hope, you need to take what he says at fave value. Maybe he just wanted to make sure you got what you wanted for dinner. 'A steak would be lovely, thanks' or similar would be fine, surely, and then if he doesnt deliver this that's when you get mad. Also surely it's what he is like the majority of the time that counts rather than what he does on the odd commercially driven day of the year. I don't know what his behaviour was like when you split up, but it is hard becoming a parent even when you want to, so whilst its fair enough to resent him for how he acted, it isnt fair to resent him for not wanting to become a father. How is he now in general with you and your daughter? Is this the relationship that you want, in general? Have you both had counselling to try and come to terms with what has happened between you? I can understand where you are coming from given what's happened but I think you are focussing on the wrong things here because it's easier to get your head around being given no present on mothers day, to being stuck in a relationship with someone who let you down and behaved like a dick at the most vulnerable time in your life

I don't think you are being precious. It sounds like he has treated you like dirt, and is making his bad behaviour all your fault. I can't imagine this is going to change for the better, if this is him supposedly showing you he cares!

It's not about one day on the calendar. This is about your entire life. EVERY day.
Not being able to mark Fathers Day because he didn't want her.. do you see how that reads?? That's horrendous. Get rid!

I think if this relationship has any hope, you need to take what he says at fave value. Maybe he just wanted to make sure you got what you wanted for dinner. 'A steak would be lovely, thanks' or similar would be fine, surely, and then if he doesnt deliver this that's when you get mad

I do see the sense in this. I think I do have the attitude of "you broke it, you fix it". And it will be what I truly need to see. If I give him every opportunity to succeed tomorrow, and he still finds a way to fail, then I have my answer. If I sit around like a sadsack and enable that, I'll always ask myself, "was it me?"

How does he propose to deal with Fathers Days in future? As your dc grows up, is he still going to be huffing he didn't want them?

But don’t rely on him if you want to have a nice day. If he lets you down, what then?

How does he propose to deal with Fathers Days in future? As your dc grows up, is he still going to be huffing he didn't want them?

I presume no, as his whole point of wanting to work on this relationship is that he does want her now, and wants his life and future to be that of a family man.

Op this definitely sounds like emotional abuse. My ex used to outwardly brag about how little thought he’d put into gifts I.e my Christmas gifts one year were dvd series’ I’d already seen that were on sale. He went on about how cheap they were and how easy it was to get them so he could spend more time working. I once said I’d like a nice day out for my birthday. He planned to take me to an exhibition he knew I’d already been to. It always felt like he was punishing me. I never really wanted anything that extravagant, just to know he’d put some effort in. Truth is he didn’t really love me. When we split up he admitted that’s why he’d been so bad with gifts. He thought it was a waste of resources when he wasn’t sure we had a future. I hope that’s not the case for you. You deserve so much better!

Not long after I met my DH. He listens carefully to the things I like and makes sure I get them because he wants to make me happy. It’s an investment in our relationship and my well-being.

I would say keep it light and happy tomorrow and see what he does. But make the day about you and your dc. If he sabotages it in any way consider how happy the relationship is and speak to him at a later date! Xx

But don’t rely on him if you want to have a nice day. If he lets you down, what then?

Yes, I am thinking about this. And I feel quite hardened about it. I'm quite resolute that I will not spend the day sad. If it means I just watch TV in bed with DD and order a takeaway, so be it, rather than have another day like this, that's supposed to be special, engrained in my head as an upsetting memory. I feel a little more chipper about that.

Things with your DP were in a bad place last year, things with your DP are still in a bad way this year. Have a guess what next year is going to look like.

I think the timing now is pertinent. He was awful, which he says he acknowledges, so I think I feel more, that this particular mother's day, is a very current opportunity for him to show how he's taking ownership of being sorry, to give a sign of how he does feel he should make it up to me. He's not "that guy" who will do thoughtful little things off the cuff and I accept that. So here he is, presented with a day that's "about me" when the shops are full of cards and gifts, the internet is full of ideas literally telling him what he can do, and he is supposedly someone who desperately wants their partner to see that they have changed and that family, his daughter, me as her mother, are the important things he values. Effort I suppose is what I want to see

It's not just one day though, is it?
As a PP said, you can do nothing on the "hallmark days" and be fine with it, because you're fundamentally happy in your relationship.

Is he showing the effort elsewhere in your relationship? Because that's what really counts. One nice day doesn't make a good relationship.

OP this is not what relationships are supposed to be like. You're hanging around like a whipped dog waiting for crumbs of attention to fall from his table. In a good, loving relationship it wouldn't matter if he forgot Mother's Day or Valentines day because you'd feel appreciated every day, regardless of the date.

Maybe a childcare bubble meet up with your mum for the day?

Tell him to surprise you with a cooked meal of his choice for dinner?

I think it's an unhealthy game you'll be playing tomorrow by suggesting your DP uses the new china with the meal .

He more than likely didn't buy it and it'll give you a reason to wallow in sadness again , because , to be honest, it does sound as if you enjoy playing the martyr.

Time for some self respect , OP.

Every aspect of this relationship is horrible. Both of you are behaving appallingly.

Tell him what you want for dinner.
Ask him for the pot.
Set your bar higher and stop letting him beat you with the fact that you didn’t abort your child.

The whole thing sounds like a lost cause. However personally I’d muster a smile and give him an extensive list of requirements for a Mother’s Day.
Bollocks to him blaming on your negativity. Go into it fully expecting breakfast in bed, card, flowers and lovely dinner.
I would also tell him today you have a SD walk planned with friends. Go out looking amazing.
You’ll be smiling because this time next year you’ll be free of this misery. ( hopefully).

When you talked about what it would look like if he did somehow turn things around and show his commitment, you only wrote about yourself as a mother. You didn't mention him wanting to be with you because you are you. Do you feel like you have the right to be entitled to love for your own sake?

Also - you've said he resents you for having your child. Have you had a conversation where he accepts that actually, he was 50% responsible? He got you pregnant, does he still think it's your fault and he had no involvement? Until he starts accepting that his actions have led to this situation, your relationship will never be good. He had sex. He became a parent. He has the responsibility to own up to the actions he took.

I'm not one for spurious celebrations or cards and in a healthy relationship it shouldn't matter.

But what you've written is more indicative of the fact cards or not, this is not a caring relationship. What are you going to do?