Precious about mother's day

[NessanDormant]

Just that really. I am I being precious about the following or can you think of a way to get out of my mindset....

Last year, it was my first mother's day with the child DP and I have together. Our relationship was not in a good place, at his doing. He didn't get me anything, my own mother got a little card for me from the baby as it was my first mother's days to her, and although I didn't say anything, it upset me even more because it brought home that the only thing was from my own mother on a day that (when a child is too young to do anything themselves) is imho for DP to make you feel a little appreciated for everything you do as a mum.

Last valentine's, he got me nothing as well. This year, I told him I'd got him a card and a little something, and he went into this big "oh I'm not sure you'll like what I've got" episode. He's done this before when he hasn't actually got me anything at all, so I suspected the same, but thought, just wait and see. So valentine's, I woke up already quite dejected because of what I was predicting. It came and went, and I just got sadder throughout the day as my card to him sat unopened, with the card from him, as I was waiting for a "happy valentine's" and to have my first ever gift. He said afterwards that he had got me something I really wanted but I was so sad all day it was impossible to give to me, and he can't give it too me now because of the negative feeling he will associate with it. I sort of get that, but after him always getting me nothing, I was waiting for him to make the first move and it wasn't rocket science for him to see that. I know that may sound childish, but it hurts to keep being the one who always gives thoughtful things and not receive anything back, especially when I did so at times when he was being a terrible partner.

So, it's mother's day tomorrow. And he is asking me what I want for dinner so he can cook it. I'm already feeling quiet because I just have last year, and this valentine's playing over in my head. AIBU to think he should be able to think just once about what he can do, without me having to decide myself and tell him. I'm not in the mood to find a recipe to tell him to cook it.

If I don't, he won't do anything, then like valentine's will say that I would have had a nice day/a gift if it wasn't for my own behaviour.

I know I probably sound precious, but I've spent so long not ever having anything because our relationship was not in a good place, but it was genuinely all his doing. He now says he wants the opportunity to show me what we could have, and without going into details, after what he's done and I've stayed with him, he should be doing this with bells and whistles. And this transpired into how he dealt with valentine's, and I guess that's why it's prickling me so much that for mother's day, after doing nothing for our first, he now looks to me to tell him what meal he should cook. I hope people can see that I'm really not ungrateful at the concept of someone cooking for me, and that there is a bigger picture here.

I just know I'll wake up tomorrow, expecting groundhog Day, I'll be sad from the start, he'll then say he could do nothing because of this, and this will be the "reason" the day is ruined. I told him after valentine's why I was sad all day, I was expecting no acknowledgement again and waiting for him to prove me wrong.

Sorry so long, didn't want to drip feed.

@StopSearching

If my dh asked me what I wanted for dinner, I would tell him. I wouldn't make it into a power struggle.

^ this. I certainly wouldn’t already plan to be sad I'll be sad from the start, he'll then say he could do nothing because of this, and this will be the "reason" the day is ruined I think it would ruin the day to plan to wake up and be miserable tbh. He sounds shit at gift/card giving and if that’s important to you then you will spend the whole of your relationship feeling resentful but sulking about it isn’t the way to deal with it.

It sounds to me that you need to be very clear eyed about the man you’re having a relationship with.

In every relationship there’s a bit of false expectation, often based on our parents relationship or some other relationship that becomes the standard we judge against. It bugs me a bit that dh doesn’t look after my car because my df did that for my dm, so even though I’m perfectly capable, as a grown up to book my own car service or check my oil and tyres, I feel vaguely slighted. But weighed against dh’s other qualities it’s ridiculously unreasonable of me. But it could be a sticking point and make me miserable if I let it.

I think, to an extent, there’s a bit of choosing to be miserable about these big days, rather than accepting that you’re with a man who isn’t particularly good at those gestures. If dh wasn’t demonstrative in that way, I could live with that because it’s balanced in other ways. But in your post, I’m not seeing what great qualities there are in this man/relationship that counterbalance this disappointment?

There’s clearly bigger problems going on, and that makes me wonder if perhaps you’re focusing on valentines and Mother’s Day because the bigger problem (is it cheating?) is too painful to fully confront.

Before I met dh I hated special days because they highlighted what was missing from my life. Now they’re really joyful days - even though dh is hit and miss- because on balance my life is blessed. I think these occasions can be an emotional barometer and it doesn’t mean that you’re being precious; it’s just that on those days it’s harder to ignore what’s missing in life.

His act of pretending to have bought you something but it being your fault that he couldn’t give it to you is vile. He’s a liar and a gaslighter.

Don’t do it to yourself OP.

I’ve been a single mum to ds for 8 years... I’ve always bought my own presents... this year moisturiser and a lovely bracelet... it doesn’t bother me one bit. Infact I prefer it

I’d put money on him not having. Bought anything for you for valentines. Gaslighting. 100%

Sounds totally toxic... Mother’s Day is the least of your problems.

Did he cheat on you? You mention several times that he’s behaved badly towards you and he owes you for sticking with him.

If so, marking occasion days won’t make up for it.

You sound unhappy with the relationship in general, unappreciated, unloved, unsupported, miserable. You’re focusing on Valentine’s and Mother’s Day as though him making an effort for those would prove he does love you and compensate for how crap he is the rest of the year. It wouldn’t.

@ChonkyChook

You know he's talking shite about having a gift that you wanted but he couldn't possibly give you? An 8 year old could come up with something better than that.

He's a nasty liar.

What Chony says.

If you had been happy and sparky he would have said that you were enjoying the day so much he didn't want to give you the gift because he wasn't sure it was what you'd like and he didn't want to spoil the mood.

He's twat.

Get rid of him.

In a nutshell, we did not plan DD. He didn't want a child. He spent my whole pregnancy letting me know how I'd forced this upon him, and was pretty appalling, I suppose taking out his upset at the situation on me.

After she was born, he continued to be like this. I put up with only so much, until I said, look, we both need to move on. You feel I've taken your carefree life and resent me for that. We separated briefly, and he returned telling me how stupid he was for not seeing what he had. That he couldn't be a man child forever (he's 40) and that family life is what he wanted his future to be. I said I didn't believe a word of it, but on the basis I would much prefer DD to be raised with both parents present, I would give him the opportunity to show me how this "family life" that we'd never had, could be. I had nothing to lose to see how things went. At best, we would become the family unit I would hope for, at worst, I'd just see a leopard can't change it's spots.

He's been very good with DD. To be fair, anything would be an improvement on how he had been. But he was awful to me, and I think, he'd have to be off the scale fantastic now, for it to have the effect he wants. And that's not him.

It helps to talk it out

I missed your updates while I was writing that essay

It's the first piece in a set of really gorgeous tableware. I love to cook, and this set is horribly overpriced, but something I've loved for years. He says he can't give it to me now because of the negative association it has to valentine's and that's all he would see every time I used it.

Reading this made me so sad for you. That’s next level emotional abuse.

He said afterwards that he had got me something I really wanted but I was so sad all day it was impossible to give to me, and he can't give it too me now because of the negative feeling he will associate with it. I sort of get that
Absolute bullshit

From a different angle OP my mum was in your position and I used to really hate any occasion as my mum would be sad, crying, moping etc because things did not go the way she wanted. I still have major anxiety about Mother's Day and I'm in my forties!
Don't rely on this man to make your perfect day, make it perfect yourself. There are so many threads on here about post MD disappointment, so you aren't alone.

I would give him the opportunity to show me how this "family life" that we'd never had, could be. I had nothing to lose to see how things went. At best, we would become the family unit I would hope for, at worst, I'd just see a leopard can't change it's spots.

Sounds like he is doing a pretty crap job of "family life". He doesn't seem to like or respect you at all. He hasn't made up for his awful behaviour when you were pregnant. Although it is nice for a child to be brought up by both parents together, if those parents don't actually like each other then its not better.

I don't really understand the meal thing.

He's asked you what you'd like him to cook. What's wrong with that?

He wants to make something you'll enjoy.

My OH is going to cook for me tomorrow and he's asked what I'd like. It never struck me as odd or something that would mean I'd have to spend the whole day in a huff. I'm too busy thinking about what I want to eat 😅

Nope! Your in the situation where it just doesn’t work like that, he isn’t thoughtful enough. You know it’s shit, no point denying that.

So options, leave and find a guy who does, although let’s be realistic, there all taken or do it for the first few years then stop anyway....or do your own Mother’s Day.

I’m doing my own this year, I’ve bought myself 3 very exepensive presents and a full blown tea parties worth of food for a afternoon tea with my daughters with all the trimmings- even though I’m doing the work myself for the first time I’m hugely excited about Mother’s Day tomorrow!!

Side note- unexpectedly it made him feel guilty- not my aim- so he went out a bought a rather lavish cake for the centre piece of tomorrow’s tea, more than his ever done so maybe that’s a small win???

Don’t care, I can’t wait for tomorrow, make your own happiness, your kids love you.

That point aside the relationship sounds a bit shit so why are you still in it?

I suggest if you can afford it that you sit down this afternoon and buy yourself a piece of whatever set it is that you want. 💐

You need to tell him exactly what you would like to happen.’ Roast beef with all the trimmings please and I’d love you to use my new piece of tablewear. Just to let you know I really do also hope for flowers and a card from DD.’

Then try hard not to feel sad in advance and see if he can meet those modest requests. If he doesn’t bother then it’s unfortunate that you will have to decide whether you can live with a man who refuses to make an effort for you.

I started reading thinking you were being precious tbh but your updates are very sad.

Ask him for a roast with divorce papers on the side.

Gaslighting. Look it up.

Because that's what he's doing.

I'd start making moves to end the relationship.

Tell him what you’d like from him tomorrow then have your back up plan because, really, you know he doesn’t give a shit. He’d rather put his energy into making stupid excuses then to do something nice for you.

Plan a nice breakfast for yourself, take your dd out for a walk and take a nice selfie with her, pick up some flowers, see your mum and if your dp does do anything, great and if not, you’ll have a nice day anyway.

FWIW, OP, my DH is crap with regard to celebrations of any kind. He didn't grow up with that kind of culture and he doesn't see much value in what he perceives to be a disproportionate fuss about one single day. He doesn't particularly like receiving cards and gifts either, because they don't have any significance for him. In his eyes, what matters in our relationship is how we treat each other every day, and not just on "special" occasion days. And in the context of an otherwise healthy relationship, the "special" days really don't matter to me either.

It sounds to me like your relationship is not what you want it to be, and even if he pulls out all the stops on mother's day, that will still be the case. I understand that you might want your dd to grow up with both parents, but seeing a toxic relationship play out between you will not do her any good in the longer term. You deserve more.

Walks like a duck. Quacks like a duck. Looks like a duck. Come on.
He's a manipulative twat.

I suggest if you can afford it that you sit down this afternoon and buy yourself a piece of whatever set it is that you want

Part of me really wants to do that. Part of me now sees it as a tangible thing that I always wanted, tainted, as a permanent reminder that I had to get it myself because of how the father of my child treats me. The irony that his fake excuse not to give it to me, is now probably the genuine reason I don't want to even look at it.

I think you need to give yourself a Mother’s Day present and leave 🎁

It sounds like after suffering for years with his selfish behaviour you're coming to see how negative he is, and his lack of effort is highlighted.

Please know, this is not you. It's him. I think you'll make the best decision for you and your daughter; perhaps not now or tomorrow, but soon.

You deserve to feel loved and appreciated.

Roast beef with all the trimmings please and I’d love you to use my new piece of tablewear.

This is genius. Completely genius. Because I can say, "we can turn that negative from valentine's into a real positive on mother's day" and then if he hasn't really bought it and hidden it somewhere, he's buggered. They come from Italy, he can't rush out and buy one tomorrow.

Thank you