Precious about mother's day

[NessanDormant]

Just that really. I am I being precious about the following or can you think of a way to get out of my mindset....

Last year, it was my first mother's day with the child DP and I have together. Our relationship was not in a good place, at his doing. He didn't get me anything, my own mother got a little card for me from the baby as it was my first mother's days to her, and although I didn't say anything, it upset me even more because it brought home that the only thing was from my own mother on a day that (when a child is too young to do anything themselves) is imho for DP to make you feel a little appreciated for everything you do as a mum.

Last valentine's, he got me nothing as well. This year, I told him I'd got him a card and a little something, and he went into this big "oh I'm not sure you'll like what I've got" episode. He's done this before when he hasn't actually got me anything at all, so I suspected the same, but thought, just wait and see. So valentine's, I woke up already quite dejected because of what I was predicting. It came and went, and I just got sadder throughout the day as my card to him sat unopened, with the card from him, as I was waiting for a "happy valentine's" and to have my first ever gift. He said afterwards that he had got me something I really wanted but I was so sad all day it was impossible to give to me, and he can't give it too me now because of the negative feeling he will associate with it. I sort of get that, but after him always getting me nothing, I was waiting for him to make the first move and it wasn't rocket science for him to see that. I know that may sound childish, but it hurts to keep being the one who always gives thoughtful things and not receive anything back, especially when I did so at times when he was being a terrible partner.

So, it's mother's day tomorrow. And he is asking me what I want for dinner so he can cook it. I'm already feeling quiet because I just have last year, and this valentine's playing over in my head. AIBU to think he should be able to think just once about what he can do, without me having to decide myself and tell him. I'm not in the mood to find a recipe to tell him to cook it.

If I don't, he won't do anything, then like valentine's will say that I would have had a nice day/a gift if it wasn't for my own behaviour.

I know I probably sound precious, but I've spent so long not ever having anything because our relationship was not in a good place, but it was genuinely all his doing. He now says he wants the opportunity to show me what we could have, and without going into details, after what he's done and I've stayed with him, he should be doing this with bells and whistles. And this transpired into how he dealt with valentine's, and I guess that's why it's prickling me so much that for mother's day, after doing nothing for our first, he now looks to me to tell him what meal he should cook. I hope people can see that I'm really not ungrateful at the concept of someone cooking for me, and that there is a bigger picture here.

I just know I'll wake up tomorrow, expecting groundhog Day, I'll be sad from the start, he'll then say he could do nothing because of this, and this will be the "reason" the day is ruined. I told him after valentine's why I was sad all day, I was expecting no acknowledgement again and waiting for him to prove me wrong.

Sorry so long, didn't want to drip feed.

Whatever he's done in the past to make it a shit relationship will still be there whether he was nice to you on special occasions or not. A lovely Valentines or Mothers Day gift won't take them away. I can understand you hoping he'd see the date as an opportunity to make a fuss of you and show you he knows what a big deal it was you stuck with him and how much he wants to make it up to you but the problem is - he doesn't much care does he? He fully expected you to stay with him after whatever he did, he's clearly great at manipulation and gas lighting so he knew he could get you to stay, and if you stayed after whatever the big deal thing he did was (infidelity? Abuse? Addiction? Gambled away your savings?) then he's hardly going to worry about you leaving over a Valentines gift is he?

I get that presents and thoughtful gestures and celebrating occasions might be your love language and to some extent it's mine too, and I also have a bit of a mismatch with my husband there because he's just not that bothered about birthdays, special days, cards etc. But he makes a reasonable effort because he knows it matters to me - it'll never be as thoughtful or personal as I tend to go with these things but he makes a gesture at least and is a good and loving partner outside of special occasions. You're focusing on the wrong things - he's never going to bother about the special days in the same way as you do and even if he did they wouldn't make up for the other shit, there's only so many special occasions and a lot of ordinary days in between to get through.

Plus he's just so totally full of bullshit. DH and I argued on Valentines day once,early in the morning and we were having a bit of a shitty time of it overall. Because of that I didn't much feel like giving him his card that morning before work and I was planning on eating the meal for 2 I'd bought all to myself. But by the time we got home from work it was 'well that was a bit crap wasn't it? Shall we start again?' And we did. I didn't withhold his card and m&s meal deal forever more because they'd remind me of the painful fact he was a bit of a twat that morning. What's he claiming happened to this gift? Did he return it? Smash it? Bury it by the light of a full moon whilst chanting to remove the bad energy? Did he balls - there never was a gift.

All that being said I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me miserable tomorrow. He's banking on you seeming down so he can put the same shit. I'd be telling him with a big smile 'roast please, there's a great recipe for gravy I've seen, I'll send you the link, yum yum cant wait'. Then tomorrow I'd go into full pollyanna mode and wait to see what his next bullshit excuse is. And whatever it is, who cares? He's a twat, you know he's going to be a twat about the day, but it's not dickhead boyfriend day its mothers day so call your mum,see her if there's a way to do that within restrictions, cuddle your child, make a paint hand print of both of you and label them 'mummy and DC mothers day 2021', get some of your favourite snacks in and eat them in bed, don't be drawn into his games.

Ok, this is my happy trick
I love Mamma Mia the Movie.
So put your happy singalong movie or music on.
Fake it till you make it sort of thing,
So He see you not moaning, happy.
Do not argue, if your dipping go to the loo.
Get a Mother's Day card today, and tomorrow do hand and foot prints in it from your baby, One day your going to love seeing how tiny they were, and Baby will love messy play, plus a bath.
Tell him an easy meal, even if it's all frozen and just cook.
Just be Happy.
You only need to do this till tomorrow, and then SEE what his excuse is.

@thelegohooverer

I missed your updates while I was writing that essay

It's the first piece in a set of really gorgeous tableware. I love to cook, and this set is horribly overpriced, but something I've loved for years. He says he can't give it to me now because of the negative association it has to valentine's and that's all he would see every time I used it.

Reading this made me so sad for you. That’s next level emotional abuse.

I agree with the above. He lets you down regularly and you are waiting for him to do it again tomorrow. Hoping that he will pick up on your clues about what you want. He's an absolute liar and he's twisted his story to make it your fault and to make you feel even worse that you will never have something you really want. He's 40 but Are you a lot younger than him? It sounds like he has never cooked in his life. Any man could go to Marks and Spencers or get a take away.. It sounds like he knows you will try this sad and disappointed behaviour all day, instead of telling him exactly what you do want, he knows this and will use the same lying pathetic excuse of "I did get you something but you were so grumpy it would forever taint the gift" What absolute rubbish! It would be much less effort for him to give you a bunch of flowers, a card and a nice coffee when you wake up. Job done. For some reason both of you keep repeating the same pattern on special occasions. That's a lot of work on his part and yours... I think you have to ask yourself why you both do this. I think he does it because he knows it is really hurtful. But you still seem to not say exactly what you do want, which allows him to keep doing this. Break the pattern. It sounds like he doesnt do much. But you have to look at why you think the idea of sulking and looking sad is going to work with him. It doesn't. You need to speak up say what you want. I think you need to question whether someone who treats you like this is the right person for you and for child to live with, can you find someone in real life you can talk to about this and decide what it is you really do want for you and your child. I hope that tomorrow is better than you are expecting it to be.

He sounds horrible, and controlling, tbh.

He is lying about the gift. But even if he isn't, that's even worse. He's withholding something he knows you'd love to punish you for misbehaving. You're his partner, not his captive. Don't accept this.

You both sound like you are hard work and very difficult to be in a relationship with. Just tell him what you want.

But you still seem to not say exactly what you do want, which allows him to keep doing this. Break the pattern.

I've told him what I'd like for birthdays before. At his request I even sent him a link. Still nothing. This was during the "you've forced me to be a father" time, which has been our whole relationship, bar the last three months.

But you have to look at why you think the idea of sulking and looking sad is going to work with him

It's not so much that I think it will work. I'm genuinely sad and can't fake otherwise. I do argue with myself though, am I just being a sulking brat. Then I say, no, I do deserve better. Then I say, well, you won't ever find out if you can't stop being sad. Then I think, no wonder I am, anyone would be, and he's done so little to change that.

he was awful to me, and I think, he'd have to be off the scale fantastic now, for it to have the effect he wants

This really stood out for me OP.

Can you articulate what this would actually mean?

It sounds like it would mean he turns into someone else. Expecting someone to be "off the scale fantastic" to right previous wrongs is not setting your relationship up for success. You're sad when he's simply being himself (FWIW he sounds like a lying knob when he's being himself) and waiting around for him to change.

He's not going to change. He's made that pretty clear. So you either accept he's never going to be the person you want him to be or you leave.

You were sad all day, you woke up sad and then he says he couldn't give you a gift because you were sad. It all sounds very complicated to me. Talk to each other rather than having constant expectations. He isn't a mind reader.

But he was awful to me, and I think, he'd have to be off the scale fantastic now, for it to have the effect he wants. And that's not him. You might as well finish it now if that is how you feel. He might make the effort he might not but I don't think anything is going to be enough for you so what is the point? Life's too short for all this.

You're a martyr if you make fathers' days and his birthdays special.

I found treating DH in the way he treated me was very effective in the lesson of lack of thought and how the other person feels...............

@NessanDormant

I did say that *@ChonkyChook* but he said, "I'll find the receipt"

At that point I said don't bother, because discovering whether for the first time he'd actually got something or not, was not the real issue, to me.

And I think he knew that.

He really has got you dangling on the end of a piece of string hasn’t he?

I think you need to be considering whether or not you have given him enough chances to show you that he cares about you,remembering that so far he has failed at every opportunity. Not only failed but tried to make you the villain. It’s called gaslighting and he wrote the book.

In some relationships, the giving and the taking never seem to work fairly or nicely. Based on experience, I'm not sure there's much can be done about it except to find a better relationship.

*he was awful to me, and I think, he'd have to be off the scale fantastic now, for it to have the effect he wants

This really stood out for me OP.

Can you articulate what this would actually mean?*

I've never really thought about this, but it's really interesting. I want to point out that I don't expect gestures of grandeur forevermore. I'd be happy, for example, tomorrow on any normal year, with breakfast made for me, or a card that he'd got DD to scribble on. Or maybe a bunch of flowers, or a box of chocs? I don't feel that's overboard.

I think the timing now is pertinent. He was awful, which he says he acknowledges, so I think I feel more, that this particular mother's day, is a very current opportunity for him to show how he's taking ownership of being sorry, to give a sign of how he does feel he should make it up to me. He's not "that guy" who will do thoughtful little things off the cuff and I accept that. So here he is, presented with a day that's "about me" when the shops are full of cards and gifts, the internet is full of ideas literally telling him what he can do, and he is supposedly someone who desperately wants their partner to see that they have changed and that family, his daughter, me as her mother, are the important things he values. Effort I suppose is what I want to see. Even if he gets it wrong and burns the dinner and a perfume I secretly can't stand, it would be the fact that he did his best.

"He said afterwards that he had got me something I really wanted but I was so sad all day it was impossible to give to me, and he can't give it too me now because of the negative feeling he will associate with it. "

What a twat.

2 options:

1. State your needs clearly. If he's not prepared to meet them, you have to be prepared to leave.
2. Honestly just leave.

The not getting anything for Hallmark holidays I could live with, the utter disregard for my feelings, the turning your hurt into his, I could not.

You're a martyr if you make fathers' days and his birthdays special.

This again is probably quite relevant. We weren't allowed to acknowledge last father's day, because he didn't want DD. His birthday was a few weeks ago. Previously I had got him loads of things. I do on any occasion, I'm a giver and I love doing it. He said this year not to get him anything, so I didn't. I bought a picture for the house and gave it to him, saying I respected him saying don't do anything for my birthday.

When I brought up the non existent valentine's gift, he said he was also feeling like a bit of a mug to give me something so expensive when I hadn't acknowledged his birthday a few weeks before.

I'm going to make the suggestion that he cooks a roast with the new tableware. Because for all the "he's just lying" there is a possibility that he's telling the truth. And actually it would be a big eye opener to see if he had actually got the pot, and it was my sulking that stopped him.

Do you really want your child to grow up thinking that this is what relationships are like?

He’s awful. You are teaching her it is ok to be treated like shit by men.

Get rid of him. For both of your sakes!

The relationship doesn’t sound healthy and maybe you need to think if that’s the example you set to your child as to what a relationship is meant to look like.

I never get the angst over Mother’s Day not Valentine’s Day. Mother’s Day is for the child to spend with their mum not partners and I don’t want a card or flowers because a date in the calendar says it should happen.

Firstly, be sweetness and light itself all day.

Secondly, stop locating your happiness in his actions. If he one day is pleasant to you, then great, but don't be let down every day because he is not even meeting a low bar let alone the hoiked bar you want to make up for his shortcomings. Instead of planning to be sad, think what you want to do for yourself tomorrow. A bit of self care and a pat on the back for your mothering, from yourself.

Thirdly, look for a nicer partner.

Just be clear with what you want. Men aren't mind readers. I've learnt now that you have to be very clear and specific.
Men hate game playing, or sulking and it can end in divorce. I know this first hand.

Tell him you want
A nice lunch, if he never cooks you might need to be specific /have ready meals.
Flowers
Chocolates
A card
Possibly a gift but that's risky. He'll most likely spend 30 mins agonising in morrisons clothing aisle and get you a hideous top. Gift sets aren't in most supermarkets at the moment.

Try to be more grateful and nicer, (or break free and be single like me). Another divorcee friend of mine used to be disgusted by supermarket flowers. Absolutely horrified by them. She wanted £100 bunches from florists. She's now divorced and oddly fine with flowers from supermarket when she buys them!

Send him out now to get above.

@Megan2018

Do you really want your child to grow up thinking that this is what relationships are like?

He’s awful. You are teaching her it is ok to be treated like shit by men.

Get rid of him. For both of your sakes!

+1 to this.

I would tell him v clearly that you have given him ideas of a gift you would like. It is now down to him. If he cannot be arsed then fine. Buy it as a gift to yourself and mentally be aware of his limitations and what you can expect from him. I live with a complete arse. I wanted a birthday present. I eventually asked if he bought me something and if he needed an idea. It transpired he was just going to give me some cash. He showed me clearly he couldn't be arsed and didn't give a fuck. I fou d something I wanted and requested his bankcard and bought it. It is a gift to myself from me paid with his cash. You can't change people into caring and empathetic people. You can however change your expectations and decide on your own limits. No doubt when I can afford to we will separate until that point I try to be kind and make sure my own needs and wants are satisfied even if that means me doing the consideration for myself. Tell hi. To order a takeaway or order one yourself. Take care of you as he can't be fucked
to do so.

You prefer to raise your child with both parents present in the house. Even though both you and your daughter have been treated appallingly and just accept this.

Or

You prefer to raise your daughter alone by teaching her her own worth by setting an example. By doing this you safe guard her future happiness and help lead her to healthy relationships.

Tell him you want the roast dinner with the new pot. Then when he fails to produce it because he never bought it, spend the day packing his stuff and getting rid.

I should also add that for mothers day I have bought myself some perfume from body shop. He won't bother and I think I do deserve a little token as I am a good and loving mum to my kids. X

You are feeling sorry for yourself if you think that some cards from a card shop, will automatically make your life better. You should try and have a happy day with your family, and forget about cards from a partner, who might forget about cards,or never buys them anyway.