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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD4 left out of party

143 replies

zeddybrek · 12/03/2021 22:23

DD is only 4 and has been in school throughout lockdown as I am a key worker. There were a handful of other girls in her class so they all played together and clearly spent more time together as smaller pool of children there. I know all the mums, we're not close but nice and chat if we happen to be walking home the same way.

Today on the way home one of the girls asks if we are going to Lucy's party (not her real name). I said we are not invited but have a lovely time.

My DD started to cry and has been very upset all evening. She said she plays with Lucy everyday and Lucy said my DD could go to her party.

I have never been in this situation before. AIBU to be really sad for my DD. She was the only girl from the keyworker group not invited. Should I say anything to the mum? Could it be an oversight. The other parents have recently got closer but surely that shouldn't mean you leave out one child.

OP posts:

Sahm101 · 13/03/2021 09:06

Wow posters are missing the point that she was the only one out of the girls there that was not invited. Spin this any way you want but I can't see how anyone can justify this.And it was at the park. And one of the dad's got uncomfortable when it was mentioned. How is it anything but horrible when a little 4yo is the only one left out?

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2021 09:13

This is quite hard to understand, because you start off saying it’s a party then you say it’s the kids meeting in a local park which they do most days, you seem very focused on the word party.

Sounds like a few of the mums decided to get together in the park and let the kids run around, as usual. It’s hardly a party, irrelevant of what the kid called it. The dad prob felt awkward because of your reaction

Just tell your kid it’s not a party , if your daughter goes to the park most days I’m sure she’d have been welcomed, but you could not go anyway. So really it’s about hour communication with your child.

Crewtshirt · 13/03/2021 09:13

He was prob uncomfortable because they know they are bending the rules - are the other parents really going to dump and run do you think?

Quartz2208 · 13/03/2021 09:18

Because sahm101 these are not normal times. The OP says the child wanted her there so if it had been a normal party she would have been

This was something that at the very least bent the current rules to near breaking point if not full on breach. The OP doesn’t go to the park so they have no idea how she feels about it

RampantIvy · 13/03/2021 09:20

[quote theonlywayisup33]@activitythree How incredibly unkind and unsympathetic of you. It does not matter what forn the 'party' takes, it is exclusive. OP's dd was not invited and that hurt her and yes, it does hurt parents to see their child upset.[/quote]
I agree. Until it happens to your child you may not understand. Or maybe activitythree is completely lacking in empathy.

I hope your DD is OK OP.

MessAllOver · 13/03/2021 09:22

Yes, I wouldn't invite a parent I didn't know very well to join me in what would then become a pretty obvious breach of the lockdown rules. Adding some cake to a regular park visit is one thing, actively organising to socialise in larger groups is another.

activitythree · 13/03/2021 09:22

@RampantIvy

Like i said, last night, I didn't mean to be unkind.

I also offered an apology to OP for my shit posting.

I stand by the point that this a a huge over reaction on the part of OP and totally avoidable upset from the 4 year old had mum decided to steer things the right way.

user1493494961 · 13/03/2021 09:22

Don't mention it to the birthday child's Mum, you'll be talked about forever.

EssentialHummus · 13/03/2021 09:23

Wow posters are missing the point that she was the only one out of the girls there that was not invited. Spin this any way you want but I can't see how anyone can justify this.And it was at the park.

I really don't see it like this. If the birthday girl's mum and the other 2/3 go to the park after school on a Friday (and OP doesn't) then I can totally imagine birthday girl's mum saying to the others in person, "Next week is Emily's birthday, are you alright to come to the park as usual and I'll bring along some cake?"

activitythree · 13/03/2021 09:24

Wow posters are missing the point that she was the only one out of the girls there that was not invited.

She is also the only one out of those girls that doesn't go to the park after school anyway.

This child wasn't singled out of a whole glass group here. It was the usual kids who go to the park, going to the park. Which btw, OP could not take her DD to anyway because they had to get home.

HummusAndCarrotSticks · 13/03/2021 09:26

Actually @activitythree, I thought you got hounded last night by some very unpleasant posters. Your posts weren't as bad as other people made out and I am one of the posters who mainly sympathise with op. Think Friday nights go a bit weird on here...maybe people hit the wine on a Friday or something. I think you were treated very unfairly on herr and were quick to apologise. The op wasn't half as offended as the posters screeching at you were.

activitythree · 13/03/2021 09:30

@HummusAndCarrotSticks

Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to say this. I often get myself in such a mess trying to explain what I mean that it comes out badly. I take no issue apologising, I always consider that to be one of my better points

It's hard when it involves small kids, but we all have different ways of looking at things, and I don't think that is wrong for any of us, but I definitely could do better when posting! It's like my brain is at 100 miles an hour and my fingers are trying to keep up, it ends up jumbled and I just say fucking a lot.

Chillychangchoo · 13/03/2021 09:36

It does sting OP. I’ve been there at some point or another with my three. As she is still only very small I would leave it. Friendships and dynamics will change over the years.

It carried on with my daughter though. She wouldn’t get invited to her core friendship groups parties because I wasn’t in the mothers click. This was despite my daughter being friends with these girls.

Just keep an eye on things I guess. It carried on for my daughter and I did ignore my intuition. I moved her in year 3 and she has been immeasuably happier ever since. Like a different child.

cansu · 13/03/2021 09:42

I think there has probably been a miscommunication here. Prob isn't a part at all just some kids going to park. As not a party no guest list drawn up by mum maybe just aska come if friends to park. 4 Yr old are not known for their understanding and she forgot or didn't think to ask your dd. Honestly, best thing you can do is benighted and breezy.explain not a real party. Cheer her up with treat and try and forget.

Fuebombaa · 13/03/2021 10:05

@shouldistop yes I do know, I’m not stupid . She’s probably going to forget it in the next few weeks...no need to get your knickers in a twist

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2021 10:24

@EssentialHummus

I suspect also that’s what happened. And one of the mums said oh it’s a party let’s get her a gift.

Op, this would have been easily resolved if you’d just said, oh it’s not a party it’s just the usual park visit after school, we can’t go today but will another day with them all. You’re not missing out snd we will buy Lucy a present too, you can help me pick.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 13/03/2021 11:47

@Chewingle

You don’t go to park because you can’t due to work commitments

The others do

The mum said to the regulars - dd’s birthday next week, Shame in lockdown, no party but I’ll bring the kids a cake when we go to the park as usual and dd can at least blow out a candle.
Other mums - sure, sounds sweet.

End of. No big deal. That’s what i reckon happened

^ I imagine this would be what happened. Can't really win at the mo. If the mum had text 5 other mums to join there's a chance 1 of them would have been on here starting a thread about how ridiculous it is to be invited to a party during a national lockdown.

In normal times i would never be ok with kids being left out but this really does not seem to be the case here.

ohnothisagain · 13/03/2021 11:55

To me it sounds as if kids who usually go to the park after school are now calling this a party to make the birthday girl feel better.
If you usually don’t go to the park, you wouldn’t go at this occasion either!

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