DD4 left out of party

[zeddybrek]

DD is only 4 and has been in school throughout lockdown as I am a key worker. There were a handful of other girls in her class so they all played together and clearly spent more time together as smaller pool of children there. I know all the mums, we're not close but nice and chat if we happen to be walking home the same way.

Today on the way home one of the girls asks if we are going to Lucy's party (not her real name). I said we are not invited but have a lovely time.

My DD started to cry and has been very upset all evening. She said she plays with Lucy everyday and Lucy said my DD could go to her party.

I have never been in this situation before. AIBU to be really sad for my DD. She was the only girl from the keyworker group not invited. Should I say anything to the mum? Could it be an oversight. The other parents have recently got closer but surely that shouldn't mean you leave out one child.

Unfortunately it is about how well the mams get on, it is one of those things they find it easier to understand when they get older and organise their own invite list.
Give her a treat tomorrow it is brutal at times.

If your DD wants to attend a party, can you not hold one in the garden and invite the other girls when it is permitted to socialise in larger groups at the end of the month? I'm having an outside "un-birthday party" for my 3 yo with two other little friends as soon as the restrictions are loosened since he missed out on having a birthday party and, let's face it, small children like any excuse to run around with some balloons and have some cake.

It's unlikely that the other parents didn't invite your DD on purpose, it's more likely that the whole thing was organised ad hoc to give their daughter some sort of "party" so she wouldn't be upset and they didn't think to contact you. I have to say I wouldn't invite a parent I didn't know very well to stop by in the park or playground just to say happy birthday to my child as that would seem a bit presumptuous...Whereas I would invite them to my house for a proper party with food and drinks. But obviously that's not allowed at the moment.

If it was my child and it was an actual party in a house or a venue I would have had a polite word with the parent to find out if there was a reason my DD had been excluded and mention that she's been a bit upset so it would be kind if the invitees didn't rub it in her face.

But a tiny gathering in a chilly park... nah. That's not a party and I wouldn't be worried. Surely they couldn't have made it in to a bigger thing. They probably didn't want to exclude but also didn't want a very noticeable group.

@DancingQueen85

It was poor etiquette of the parents to leave your daughter out but not a lot you can do about it unfortunately. I always make sure that my DC are inclusive with there birthday invites but experience has taught me that this seems to be a rare approach

That’s all well and good that you can afford to be inclusive . That you never leave any children out and every time any of your children had a party you invited each and every child in the class I presume.

Mums supporting mums!

Such an uneducated thing to say.

I posted with the best of intentions - I fucked it up but I do believe my point is valid. I'm not the only one to have said the same thing either.

However, the idea people should be all in agreement because we have children and vaginas is ridiculous. My support or lack thereof runs a bit deeper then similar anatomy.

That said, I would like to apology to OP for being unable to down a post that said what I was trying to say without coming across as a twat.

Yes, it's very poor form (not to mention actually illegal) to be having obvious "parties" as such at the moment. A gift exchanged quietly you could just about get away with, cake more dubious. No wonder they didn't want a big group.

It isn't a party though? And she wasn't the only one left out - it was 2 Girls plus the birthday girl. 3 out of An entire class.
Saying you weren't invited in front of DD possibly escalated the upset. It really isn't a big deal.

@activitythree Don't concern yourself with my education. My post wasn't about you.

@activitythree

It was so sad, 3 girls and only mine wasn't off to the park party. Yes we could have gone anyway but I had to get home.

Jesus. So there is not a fucking issue here anyway.

If they’d been invited they’d have known it was on so maybe she wouldn’t have had to go home? At this age, I blame the parents 1000%. Fuckers.

I bet Lucy was just discussing a meeting in the park, not a party and probably just assumed your daughter would be there

It’s not Lucy’s fault you didn’t drop in on your way past. You could have stayed 10 minutes

So this group regularly go to the park after school but you don't. Sounds like they are calling the regular activity a party to celebrate a birthday but not actually doing anything different so I wouldn't expect them to extend an invitation to others in that situation

My son is 21 and today we were just chatting about primary school. He did mention how sad he felt when he wasn’t invited to a party in yr 2 .He definitely felt ostracised.So yes I do understand 💐

Your child feeling left out is truly horrible

But sounds like this has been blown out of proportion and was simple a couple of mums who are friends meeting for the park after school. I think that probably happens daily

Does the other mum have your number?

Because if it was just an informal play in the park, then I doubt there would have been much organising or paper invitations.
The mum may have just told her daughter she could have a "party" and messaged other parents about meeting up in the park. It might not have occurred to her to go to the effort of tracking down numbers and contact details for every parent in the class, for what was a very informal meet up.
I'm sorry your dd was upset but I'd try to downplay it with her, don't encourage her to dwell on it in any way.

Maybe just tell your dd that "it wasn't a proper party, you can play in the park another time"

@Wtfdoipick

So this group regularly go to the park after school but you don't. Sounds like they are calling the regular activity a party to celebrate a birthday but not actually doing anything different so I wouldn't expect them to extend an invitation to others in that situation

This ^^

I think that's a perfectly reasonable explanation

@Peppafrig
It's not about inviting the entire class but making sure that someone isn't deliberately left out, as they were in the case of the op. Nothing wrong with having just a few children to a party but unkind to invite 8 out of 10 girls in a class, leaving 2 out, for example.

Do You want your dd togo to a party that shouldn't be happening? What would you say to the other child's mum? ( how dare you not invite my child) children have parties an not every child will be invited yes its not nice especially if they are friends but unfortunately that's life. Don't go embrassing yourself and other child's parents by asking if dd can go.

I've been in similar situations with kid's parties OP. DC1 is regularly left out of 'get togethers' and parties of children he plays with everyday. I was so upset about it when he first started school. I've got used to it now and sadly so has he. We've had whole class parties to avoid excluding anyone. I often wonder why the kids who don't invite him to theirs, accept invitations to his. If the shoe was on the other foot, I don't think I could tbh.

In this instance OP, I imagine they were just having a low key party in the park. It wouldn't have hurt to say 'we're having a little cake in the park, won't you join us'.

Extra cuddles and treats for your dd this weekend. Say yous are having a better party at home. Popcorn hot chocolate and marshmallows. Movie and snuggles

OP, I would suggest you move away from this specific situation, and start thinking about the future.

Your DD is only 4, so you may not know this yet, but parties are hell on earth, and the bad news is, once this pandemic is over, you will be required to attend at least one every weekend in term time.

There will be other occasions where your DC will be left out. It happens. Even with the best intentioned parent group, there will be budget restrictions, venue choices, etc, and sometimes your DD won’t make the cut.

I don’t have FOMO, I have Joy of Missing Out, and have inculcated my values into DCs. They are admittedly older than yours, but are really not bothered about not going to every party. In fact, one of my DCs has repeatedly turned down party invitations that he didn’t feel like attending.

Don’t make your DD feel like this is a big deal. She will have to attend hundreds of parties in her lifetime. Let this not be an important one.

Oh god, kids and parties are a minefield!
My DS has ASD and at that age, was a total PITA in social situations, so I understood why he wasn't invited to things. It didn't stop him being hurt and my heart would bleed for him. But at that age, it's the parents who steer these things and to leave out 1 child is really nasty when it was a 'no cost' event. I'd be avoiding her in future, childish, maybe. Over the years I built up friendships with some of the Mums so he at least got invited to some parties.
I'd do something 'special' with her this w/e so she has something to focus on.

I would gently bring it up. It sucks to leave a child out

and the bad news is, once this pandemic is over, you will be required to attend at least one every weekend in term time.

Your kids are in the popular group. I understand your advice was well meant. However, there are other kids who pre pandemic were invited to three, two, one or no parties at all in the entire year.

Gosh is this what happens as early as age 4? So disappointing. I can understand why ur daughter was upset. Id address this with the parent in passing just mention ur child was quite disheartned. At such an early age she shouldnt be feeling like that especially. I wouldnt bring it up to my child or draw too much attention to it. Its too much for her little mind and brain right now.