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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD4 left out of party

143 replies

zeddybrek · 12/03/2021 22:23

DD is only 4 and has been in school throughout lockdown as I am a key worker. There were a handful of other girls in her class so they all played together and clearly spent more time together as smaller pool of children there. I know all the mums, we're not close but nice and chat if we happen to be walking home the same way.

Today on the way home one of the girls asks if we are going to Lucy's party (not her real name). I said we are not invited but have a lovely time.

My DD started to cry and has been very upset all evening. She said she plays with Lucy everyday and Lucy said my DD could go to her party.

I have never been in this situation before. AIBU to be really sad for my DD. She was the only girl from the keyworker group not invited. Should I say anything to the mum? Could it be an oversight. The other parents have recently got closer but surely that shouldn't mean you leave out one child.

OP posts:
Givemeabreak88 · 12/03/2021 23:24

It’s not one child being left out though? Sounds like it was only a small group going it’s not like your child was the only one in the class not invited. Maybe your dd isn’t friends with them as much as you think

40metres · 12/03/2021 23:25

Honestly op, the first time it happens if stings. It passes and then as time goes on your realise there are other kids and parents that you (often totally unwittingly) make feel the same. It's almost a rite of passage. Best thing is your dd is not going to remember.

digthroughtheditches · 12/03/2021 23:25

@zeddybrek I have two daughters (6 & 4) what I've learned quickly from my 6 y/o is that friendships are chaotic and fickle for want of a better word. Almost every day she came home from school in tears saying this friend had left her out or these friends have dissed her. I used to get very defensive for her and actually spoke to the teacher about one episode.
The next day...friends again!
I try not to get to concerned, I'm sure my DD is just as temperamental as the others!
Obviously if it's really affecting her and she was upset to go back to school I'd be a bit more interested but my advice is soothe, offer a treat to cheer her up but not to sweat it. They'll sort themselves out.

Original poster
zeddybrek · 12/03/2021 23:26

@Givemeabreak88 Yes that could be a possibility. It's hard to completely believe a 4 year old. However I do believe her as she talks about this girl and she said she plays with her every day which I can believe as there were only a few children in the key worker class. Anyway, I will see how she is on Monday. Hopefully she will have forgotten about this, but I won't mention it to the mum as there is no point.

OP posts:
Original poster
zeddybrek · 12/03/2021 23:28

@40metres @digthroughtheditches
Thank you both. That's reassuring to hear it's one of those things. We will make sure she has a lovely weekend and try to accept this and move on.

OP posts:
activitythree · 12/03/2021 23:28

Why do you care so much. You made your point once. People like you ruin MN.

I don't really care at all tbh. I am allowed to make my point more than once, in response to different posters. Like I said, make your lives easier, not harder. I think that's a valuable piece of advice and I am not at all 'ruining' MN by suggesting it.

Sometimes it's easy to get too wound up over things that are minor and tbh I really think that's what you have done. Nobody dislikes your DD here, it was a handful of kids. Chill out.

theonlywayisup33 · 12/03/2021 23:31

@activitythree How incredibly unkind and unsympathetic of you. It does not matter what forn the 'party' takes, it is exclusive. OP's dd was not invited and that hurt her and yes, it does hurt parents to see their child upset.

Baconsarnie · 12/03/2021 23:31

OP, it's horrible when this happens. I know exactly how you feel. But I think we take it more to heart than the kids do!

l2b2 · 12/03/2021 23:32

@activitythree
You alright hun? 🥴 you seem over-invested.

activitythree · 12/03/2021 23:33

[quote theonlywayisup33]@activitythree How incredibly unkind and unsympathetic of you. It does not matter what forn the 'party' takes, it is exclusive. OP's dd was not invited and that hurt her and yes, it does hurt parents to see their child upset.[/quote]

I didn't mean to be unkind. Just looking at things from an alternative perspective. OP had to get home anyway; so she could have just said that to her DD and saved her the upset of not being invited, because if mum said 'oh sweetie we couldn't manage anyway, we have to be home for X/Y/Z' the 4 year old would accept that/

activitythree · 12/03/2021 23:34

[quote l2b2]@activitythree
You alright hun? 🥴 you seem over-invested. [/quote]

Ah, the 'invested' gem Grin

Honestly? I'm fine. I just respond to comments as that's how forums work.

PinkiOcelot · 12/03/2021 23:34

@activitythree Wow, who has pissed you off today?! We get it, you couldn’t care if your DC was the only one missed out, but OP obviously does!! You chill!!

Symbion · 12/03/2021 23:35

There are so many ways this can happen especially at the moment with groups not being allowed to meet. Presumably the year group are all back at school now so although your DD may see herself as one of a group of 3 or whatever, the birthday girl may see it in completely different terms. They are so little, they don't see the world as adults do, they have no sense of proportion and little insight into other people's perspectives, and neither you nor the birthday girl's parents will be getting perfect info back from your children.

Sometimes this kind of thing is shitty and hurtful but not always. I would give them the benefit of the doubt, if only because it's a decent way to help DD move on. Humans are fantastically good at reading in hurtful intentions when there are none.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/03/2021 23:36

That is mean when they're all meeting outside.
I'd have brushed it off in front of DD or made some excuse.

Sarcobaleno · 12/03/2021 23:37

Agree with @Baconsarnie. When it happened to my kid I was so upset for them and I'm not proud to say I still hold a bit of a grudge. But my child doesn't even remember it and actually now the child that left him out is forever badgering him to get together. You'll get past it and your daughter won't even remember it.

WisnaeMe · 12/03/2021 23:37

this is a horrible thing to happen, and so young so it will feel very raw 🌺

Peppafrig · 12/03/2021 23:37

So the party she wasn’t invited to was three girls . The birthday girl and two others. Presumably now schools are back all the other kids are back at school . So she asked 2 kids from the entire class and your upset your DD wasn’t asked .

Cherrysherbet · 12/03/2021 23:39

It won’t have been the child who left her out.

School is all about the mums networking to keep in with the in crowd.
I’ve had years of witnessing this shit, and it can be soul destroying if you let it get to you.
At four years old, if you let your dd forget this, she will. Try not to mention it to her again. She’ll move on from it much easier than you!

It’s tough, but she’ll be fine, and so will you 💐

activitythree · 12/03/2021 23:39

[quote PinkiOcelot]@activitythree Wow, who has pissed you off today?! We get it, you couldn’t care if your DC was the only one missed out, but OP obviously does!! You chill!![/quote]

Oh, I'm not pissed off. I also haven't mentioned my feelings towards my own child/ren being left out. Mostly because this is a very diluted version of not being invited to a party. This situation would have been very easy for OP to turn around and avoid any upset from her DD. Being left out of a whole class party at a local venue? Absolutely different.

Please don't assume my mood because I view things differently though.

Glitteryone · 12/03/2021 23:40

Hang on a minute.... So there was infact no party, just a simple trip to the park after school which this group does regularly. However, you don’t and now you’re upset because the 4 year old called it ‘a party’ but even if you were asked to go to the park you couldn’t have?

Catch a grip OP and stop being such a drama queen!

The next few years will be interesting for you if this has caused you more than a second thought!

DancingQueen85 · 12/03/2021 23:41

It was poor etiquette of the parents to leave your daughter out but not a lot you can do about it unfortunately. I always make sure that my DC are inclusive with there birthday invites but experience has taught me that this seems to be a rare approach

digthroughtheditches · 12/03/2021 23:43

Mums supporting mums! Never mind the catty comments OP. Doesn't matter what you post on here you'll get them.
These young years are tricky when you first parent through them. Seasoned mums may well scoff!

Original poster
zeddybrek · 12/03/2021 23:46

Thank you for the kind replies and tips and yes ok alternative views. I didn't want to write an essay but now I see why people do! It was a party but that really isn't the point.

Seeing your child hurt and left out is really hard but I will take it as something she and I too can learn from. Good night all.

OP posts:
VodkaSlimline · 12/03/2021 23:46

I said we are not invited but have a lovely time. My DD started to cry and has been very upset all evening

Why would you say that in front of your daughter? No wonder she got upset! Why not say "we're busy" or just change the subject?

SeaShoreGalore · 12/03/2021 23:46

It's a shame they are so mean when they are young

Total overreaction - it’s a shame that you are teaching your child this view of the world. You’re not doing her any favours. There is absolutely no evidence here that the other child has been ‘mean’.