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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD4 left out of party

143 replies

zeddybrek · 12/03/2021 22:23

DD is only 4 and has been in school throughout lockdown as I am a key worker. There were a handful of other girls in her class so they all played together and clearly spent more time together as smaller pool of children there. I know all the mums, we're not close but nice and chat if we happen to be walking home the same way.

Today on the way home one of the girls asks if we are going to Lucy's party (not her real name). I said we are not invited but have a lovely time.

My DD started to cry and has been very upset all evening. She said she plays with Lucy everyday and Lucy said my DD could go to her party.

I have never been in this situation before. AIBU to be really sad for my DD. She was the only girl from the keyworker group not invited. Should I say anything to the mum? Could it be an oversight. The other parents have recently got closer but surely that shouldn't mean you leave out one child.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 13/03/2021 07:52

The outset of this is when things are back to normal there will be parties and your DD will not be invited to them all for whatever reason - sometimes numbers, sometimes because (especially when smaller) the other party does not consider you as good a friend as you do them.

However unless you really really believe there has been a lost invite somewhere along the way you DO NOT have a word with the parent.

Quartz2208 · 13/03/2021 07:53

There is a lot missing from your assertion that it is a party
How many children were at the park
How many normally go to the park after school
Do you normally go to the park after school with them

This isn’t a party I suspect in the way you think it is a park gathering that has been labelled as such to cheer up a little girl who wanted a party. The Dad mumbled because of lockdown and embarrassed the rules have been broken for even two families meeting not because you were left out

Why aren’t you explaining that to your daughter instead of feeding her feelings of being left out

EssentialHummus · 13/03/2021 07:56

I think it’s likely to have happened as chew described. I have a three year old. When it comes to parties/activities/anything over the past year, it’s about doing whatever is (vaguely) allowed to keep a sense of normality. I went to one “party” that was just DD and the birthday boy, walking around a new park, eating cake and exchanging a gift and party bag! In normal times that would be unusual but at the moment you do what you can.

Spied · 13/03/2021 08:02

This is definitely more than a meet up in a park else it wouldn't be an issue as anyone could turn up at the park regardless of an invite.
I'm thinking it's a party party at this girl's house.In which case my DD wouldn't be going even with a huge invite as it's not safe.

sonjadog · 13/03/2021 08:06

I reackon it was a regular meeting in the park after school, it was this child's birthday this week so the parents called it her "party" and maybe bought along some cake for those who are always there. A four year old isn't going to know the difference between that and a proper party the way an adult does.

jalopy · 13/03/2021 08:08

It reminds me of a time, many years ago when I took my kids to a park, outside our borough, for a change of scene during the summer holidays.

We accidently saw a birthday picnic for a friend of my son's. All his friends were there too. Quite clearly a party event. It was so upsetting. I've never forgotten and soon realised that school kid's parties were the work of the devil.

WeatherwaxLives · 13/03/2021 08:11

OP, you say you have to get back to finish work - is that always the case? Do you regularly go to the park after school or is it just the 'party' invitees that go?

I'm wondering if DD wasn't asked because they knew she wouldn't be able to come? Or if it was arranged at the last park meet up between the parents that are always there? 'I'll bring cake tomorrow' sort of thing, not actual party or invites?

BusyLizzie61 · 13/03/2021 08:18

@zeddybrek

Thank you for the kind replies and tips and yes ok alternative views. I didn't want to write an essay but now I see why people do! It was a party but that really isn't the point.

Seeing your child hurt and left out is really hard but I will take it as something she and I too can learn from. Good night all.

It is hard and will inevitably happen a lot more. In my Los class, the parents seem to invite either every child or the parents social circle children, so many "best friends", don't even attend the parties if the latter. It's a sad fact of life that unfortunately, even though we want to protect our children from hurt, we can only try and dull this.
LyndaSnellsSniff · 13/03/2021 08:19

@zeddybrek

I totally get where you are coming from. It’s that horrible sick feeling when you suddenly realise your DC has been left out. It’s not nice at all. You immediately go on the defensive and it’s very hard not to take it personally. Emotionally, it doesn’t really matter what the actual mechanics of this “party” were: you are still feeling hurt at the apparent exclusion.

But...this is one of those unpleasant life lessons that we all have to learn. In my experience, we all have times when our DCs have been left out of things and we’ve also been the ones doing the leaving out whether that be deliberate or accidental. Friendships are fickle. Ask any 4 year old who they’d like to invite to their party and the answer will be based entirely on how they feel at that moment in time and any perceived slights. So the child you thought your DC was best friends with might not even be in the list because they had a minor falling out over a toy or a bit of Lego!

The important thing is to take it on the chin, don’t overanalyse it and just let it go. This will happen throughout your school career and as hurtful as you may find it, you’ll need to accept it.

I’m sorry if that all sounds patronising. I don’t mean it to but it’s all about perspective and that’s not easy to do when it comes to your DC.

Quartz2208 · 13/03/2021 08:25

The other thing is if you dont usually go OP they have no idea about your stance on the park meet ups in the current climate. And if they dont know what you would think about it (as after all it is certainly not within the spirit of the rules) you can see why they may be reluctant to tell you or to open it up to anyone who doesnt normally go

daisypond · 13/03/2021 08:25

There were only two children at the so-called party! It sounds to me that this group of three girls go to the park after school most days, but the OP’s DD never goes. It was the birthday girl’s birthday this week and the mum called the regular park trip a “party” to make it nice for her DD. But there’s nothing different to normal. Maybe they shared out some cupcakes.

Mylovelyhorsee · 13/03/2021 08:26

Some parents just ask the kid who they want and stick to that, I don’t necessarily think that’s the best way to do it, as you say kids tease each other.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/03/2021 08:27

Children are still meant to abide by SD so I wouldn’t have gone to a park anyway that was busy where it couldn’t happen.

Children can’t be invited to everything, just like they can’t win at everything. It’s the skills we give them to cope with that and be resilient that help them.

HummusAndCarrotSticks · 13/03/2021 08:29

I agree with what @Quartz2208 just said re the mum not knowing what your feelings are on 'covid rule bending'. A mum in dd's class had a party for their small bubble last summer and got a tirade of abuse from another mum when she invited her dd to the party. I have to say, we declined the invitation too, but we were polite about it. It's a strange time. People have opposing views on the rules, so I can see why she may not want to invite children of parents she doesn't know reasonably well.

Brieminewine · 13/03/2021 08:30

Sorry but I think you’re being a bit precious OP. Its a couple of girls that regularly meet in the park after school. It’s not the whole class minus your child. You can’t go because you have to get back for work. I think you inflamed the situation by saying ‘we’re not invited’ rather than ‘we’re going straight home as I have to work’ so really you can’t blame the other parents for the upset, I think the blame lies with you. It’s a non issue you’ve made into an issue.

pilates · 13/03/2021 08:35

First off it’s not a party, the little girl is fantasising it’s a party.
You need to toughen up as this will not be the first or last time she isn’t invited to a birthday gathering. You need to teach your DD coping mechanisms and deflect. But I understand how it’s upsetting to see your DD hurt 😞

thecatsthecats · 13/03/2021 08:37

@Bluenightowl

and the bad news is, once this pandemic is over, you will be required to attend at least one every weekend in term time.

Your kids are in the popular group. I understand your advice was well meant. However, there are other kids who pre pandemic were invited to three, two, one or no parties at all in the entire year.

It sounds like parties have got overblown in general, with the expectation of whole class parties etc.

But this wasn't a party. This was probably the parents dressing up as best they could the fact that there was no party, and inviting their friends to the park too, trusting that they would be discreet about it.

That was then miscommunicated by two four year olds, and then blown out of proportion.

There's no way of knowing if the child would have been invited in normal circumstances. Best just smoothed over.

Fuebombaa · 13/03/2021 08:39

It’s just a meeting at the park...if your dds gonna act like this now how will she cope when she faces actual problems

shouldistop · 13/03/2021 08:40

It’s just a meeting at the park...if your dds gonna act like this now how will she cope when she faces actual problems

Hmm you realise you're talking about a 4yo?

Ifailed · 13/03/2021 08:42

OP, better learn quickly that parties for kids that young (who'll forget about them within a week) are not about the children but the parents.

The parents who did arrange this have already made a judgement about you, steer clear of them and remember you'll meet many more like them as your daughter progresses through school.

Nith · 13/03/2021 08:43

@pilates

First off it’s not a party, the little girl is fantasising it’s a party. You need to toughen up as this will not be the first or last time she isn’t invited to a birthday gathering. You need to teach your DD coping mechanisms and deflect. But I understand how it’s upsetting to see your DD hurt 😞
She was told it was a party, the other father confirmed it was a party, how is she fantasising? And we don't even know if it really is just the play session in the park, that is just OP's speculation.
daisypond · 13/03/2021 08:44

The parents who did arrange this have already made a judgement about you, steer clear of them and remember you'll meet many more like them as your daughter progresses through school.

Wow. That’s ridiculous. What a nasty and judgmental to say.

Serin · 13/03/2021 08:50

I've been there OP and it hurts.
In the nicest possible way the best thing you can do is teach her resilience now as there are going to be many many events like this in her little life (and in yours).

Brush it off, minimise the collateral damage, take her to another park, with a picnic and spend some quality time enjoying yourselves.

Ifailed · 13/03/2021 08:52

Wow. That’s ridiculous. What a nasty and judgmental to say.

Not at all. I've seen it happen plenty of times, as had my DP who taught in primary schools. Parents, and hence their children, being shunned by the clique of 'popular' mums who've decided their don't like someone.

Crewtshirt · 13/03/2021 08:53

The reality was probably something like this..

Birthday girls mum wants to mark her DDs birthday but knows parties aren't really allowed atm. Decides to hold a small outside event but wants to keep very low key. Mentions to a few mums she knows so as to make it feel like a bit of a celebration for her DD - her thinking being if she invited a couple of friends she can tell her DD she is having "a birthday party". Everyone happy, mum gets to feel she has done something, the DD gets to feel she got a party.

So its not really about the actual party or the guest list. It's just about doing something, anything really to mark the occasion.

You are applying normal thinking to a currently non normal world. Let this go and don't give another thought.