DD4 left out of party

[zeddybrek]

DD is only 4 and has been in school throughout lockdown as I am a key worker. There were a handful of other girls in her class so they all played together and clearly spent more time together as smaller pool of children there. I know all the mums, we're not close but nice and chat if we happen to be walking home the same way.

Today on the way home one of the girls asks if we are going to Lucy's party (not her real name). I said we are not invited but have a lovely time.

My DD started to cry and has been very upset all evening. She said she plays with Lucy everyday and Lucy said my DD could go to her party.

I have never been in this situation before. AIBU to be really sad for my DD. She was the only girl from the keyworker group not invited. Should I say anything to the mum? Could it be an oversight. The other parents have recently got closer but surely that shouldn't mean you leave out one child.

@Bluenightowl

and the bad news is, once this pandemic is over, you will be required to attend at least one every weekend in term time.

Your kids are in the popular group. I understand your advice was well meant. However, there are other kids who pre pandemic were invited to three, two, one or no parties at all in the entire year.

Sorry @Bluenightowl, I appreciate this could read as insensitive, and I genuinely didn’t mean it to be.

The good news are, please cherish your weekends, you aren’t missing out on anything remotely interesting or memorable. It’s always a chore, for everyone involved.

So was there only two children at this party?

It’s sad your DD felt upset about not going to the park with her friends. However it sounds like just a very small gathering of parents who are in a friendship group going to the park with their children, which they have decided to call ‘a party’ in order to mark one of the girls’ birthday.
Obviously during lockdown they are trying to keep it just like a small outside play date to get around the rules in their minds.
I can understand why you initially felt you and DD were excluded, but as you mention you couldn’t go any rate you need to just move on and shrug it off for your DDs sake.
However do brace yourself for the next few years, in their early years at school, children’s social groups outside of school are determined by which groups of parents are friendly and socialise and it has little to do with the children’s friendships in school. It’s actually the adults who are being excluded which impact the children. It’s shit and is one of the worst bits of parenting primary age children, so glad these days are well behind me.

activitythree
Sorry for the misunderstanding. There is a small park on the way home from school where the kids have a quick play sometimes. So I imagine it was a just a small gathering there

Your daughter has been crying all day because she isn't getting to a party, now it's just a play in that park? You are allowed to go to the park without invitation

Exactly, must admit I was a bit baffled by your post?
So it's not a party it's getting together in the park..
Whichever is it, I always told mine around that age even though parties are lovely sometimes we can't invite everyone.
That way they grow up understanding it's not personal and usually just a numbers thing.

@zeddybrek it's very hard isn't it? Happens so often over the school years. I'd recommend not telling other children your dd wasn't invited and simply avoid conversations where you can about it and/or redirect. I agree, considering the small size, very cruel to leave our your dd. I never understand how parents can leave out 1 child. Also at that age bessie mates changes regularly, so surely encouraging a nice friendship group rather than the opposite is important. Sorry for your dd, such a hard lesson in those primary years. Hoping you can have a nice weekend together and over time this will lessen for her even if it's a bit fresh right now.

In the words of Piers Morgan

I do not believe any of what she has said.

Totally normal to feel upset about it but not a lot you can do. My dd has been through it and it’s not nice. If you extend the invite to others in the class when parties are allowed then you should get invites back.

[quote DancingQueen85]@Peppafrig
It's not about inviting the entire class but making sure that someone isn't deliberately left out, as they were in the case of the op. Nothing wrong with having just a few children to a party but unkind to invite 8 out of 10 girls in a class, leaving 2 out, for example. [/quote]
This wasn’t the case in the OP . The OP in a further post said it was only the birthday girl and the two others asked. Maybe that was the case back before school reopened up to all and only keyworker children in . But now all children are children are back I doubt there is only 4 girls in an entire reception class. I could be wrong.

[quote zeddybrek]@activitythree the issue is my DD was left out. Imagine a group of young children and only can't go to have fun. It doesn't matter where how what when. My point is about leaving one child out. I had to get home to finish work and so DH could watch the kids. We both work FT so can't just change plans to go to a park after school. But again that's not the point. My post is about one child being left out and how to manage and sometimes venting an issue makes some people feel better. I came on here for advice. If you see no problem then that's not really helpful to me.

And no she hasn't been crying all day because she was at school. Try reading posts fully before commenting.[/quote]
Party or not your kid would have been left out cos as you say, you had to get home
It's not on them to work around your work

It doesn’t sounds like a party though. Someone has called it that in front of your daughter but in reality it doesn’t seem to be.
It’s a play date at the park with a couple of other children. I’ve done this - I’ve texted a couple of parents to arrange a park trip after school it’s not meant to exclude people and sometimes it’s based on me wanting to see my friends who also have kids in my sons class.
At the moment kids can’t have birthday parties do the parents are probably trying to do their best to do something nice for their daughter.
I get it’s not nice seeing your child upset but if this is the worst that happens in primary school think yourself lucky!

If you can’t beat em join em. Get into the clique so your child is always invited. Why do you not go to the park with them if they are the mothers of your dds main friends? Are you standoffish?

Yanbu. Not sure why some posters are struggling to grasp what you are saying. Off course it was unkind. Such a shame that at 4yo parents teach their child to be mean. It was as it was at a park, so no limits on space. Shame on those parents. The girls clearly wanted your dd to come. And at 4yo I can understand why she was so heartbroken. If it was me, I would have to ask the parents why they did this.

So it's not a party it's getting together in the park

For an adult, maybe. But for a 4 year old, if there is cake, then it's a party. So even if they're going for a run around in the park with nothing organised, if they are going to be eating cake, it's her birthday party. Is that so hard to understand?

Yes, it's upsetting OP, but unfortunately something to get used to. DD is often invited to parties, at least 8 a year. DS has been invited to two in the past 6.5 years.

There is absolutely no evidence here that the other child has been ‘mean’

Apart from leaving one child out of a friendship group of four out of an event described as a party.

It doesn’t sounds like a party though. Someone has called it that in front of your daughter but in reality it doesn’t seem to be

Irrelevant. OP is only speculating that it's the playdate in the park, it may be more than that, but the point is what the child has heard is that there is a party held by her friend and her friend hasn't asked her.

I agree with @activitythree

Excluding one child out of 25 from a proper party is unkind, but in this case, one child invited two others to play in the park (as usual), and your child doesn't usually join them. I would imagine birthday girl's parents were trying to make the birthday feel a little special, at a time when bigger parties aren't allowed

You don’t go to park because you can’t due to work commitments

The others do

The mum said to the regulars - dd’s birthday next week, Shame in lockdown, no party but I’ll bring the kids a cake when we go to the park as usual and dd can at least blow out a candle.
Other mums - sure, sounds sweet.

End of. No big deal. That’s what i reckon happened

It strictly true. Under 12s would be allowed in Scotland, so long as all the parents just dropped the kids off and left.

It's clear op isn't in Scotland as a child at school wouldn't be 4 at this time of year. The youngest in p1 would have been turning 5 last month.

I think the mum has probably just mentioned it to the other parents she sees at the park. She probably didn't want to organise anything official by message incase people thought badly of her due to lock down.

She’ll be fine. Something similar happened to us with my 5 year old except we weren’t aware of the party & had just gone to the park and spotted 5/6 of her school friends turned out it was on of their 6th birthdays (an illegal gathering) my 5 year old played with them a little bit and we left and said happy birthday. I think it was probably more embarrassing for the mum with a blatant lockdown rule breaking going on.

All the kids were in party clothes she had snacks it was a blatant organised gathering

Unfortunately it happens. Thankfully, at this age they tend to forget quite quickly (harder for us parents). When DS1 was 4 one boy was handing out invitations in class. DS asked if there was one for him and the boy replied "No, only good children are invited to my party".

This wasn't a party. Parties are not allowed. This was the mother grabbing whoever was around her (and who she could ask quietly) to help celebrate her DD's birthday. Probably still illegal but a bit less blatant than texting or sending out invitations saying "We're having a party for X in the park, can your child come?". Does anyone really think they should have done this?

I can empathise OP, this caused a lot of upset with one of my DS too. He loved parties, and never got an invite, he used to get very upset, when invites were being handed out etc, I used to feel upset for him too. As he got a bit older he used to ask me to ask the parent if he could go, it was difficult to explain why I couldn’t do that.

My other son, got invited to lots of parties, typically, he never wanted to go and hid the invites, causing me to be embarrassed when I was asked if he was coming, or why didn’t he!

Kids you can never win. I hope your DD is ok.

So the birthday child can't have an actual party but the parents have decided to call the usual meet up in the park a party and possibly jazz it up a bit, with some bubbles.and cup cakes. Good on them. They couldn't really send out invitations, with it being lockdown, but they're making the best of the situation for their child.

Please don't take it personally. This won't be the last party your DD isn't included in. I know it's hard to do. (I know that's easier said than done as I still hold a grudge against two mothers who didn't invite my DC to parties )

I also think it doesn't really sound like a party. Was it only two girls invited?

I think it's obviously different if it's a big, class party and everyone except one or two children is invited. That's harsh and I can't imagine ever doing it. But a girl inviting two girls to the park and not another... I think that's quite common and not something which has ever bothered dd (6) or me. She has some close friends at school who sometimes hang out together outside school, because the mums are close friends. It doesn't bother either of us that we don't get invited along.

I remember having to learn this at secondary school as well. You don't get invited to everything and that's ok. No need to mention to the mum, as suggested by a pp imo. I think that would definitely come across as a little bit odd tbh!

It is upsetting to see your dc upset, but it is one of those things I think. The dad was a bit silly to say it in front of her too btw.

I also disagree with "get pally with these mums so your dd gets invited". When they're a little older, mums' friendships don't come in to it. I think it's a lot healthier if parents don't engineer their dcs' friendships too much. But obviously, yes, make a bit of an effort to be friendly. Suggest a meet up or something. But that's not the same as forcing your way into an existing friendship between mums, which I think would backfire. Anyway, my experience of the playground is that bessie mate mums always fall out in the end and then it's a bit awkward. I tend to leave the best friends stuff to dd and keep friendships with other mums to polite and friendly, but not intimate. Different if you naturally have a connection with someone, but I wouldn't seek it out personally.

Oh wow, excuse essay! Hope your dd is alright. It's just life really, but not at all nice when you're little. for you op.