Shit-stirring mother.

[FrostyChocolateMilkshake]

My mum seems to love to shit stir and make me out to be a horrible, selfish person.

I don't have kids (out of choice) and my mum constantly makes digs at me about it. Tells her friends at work and other family members about my decision not to have kids, is very disappointed in me etc.

I am meeting my mum for a walk tomorrow and she has told me my brother and SIL are going to be there, with their child. Mum told me she is worried about me being there too because I "get jealous of the attention the child receives". I have no idea where this has come from. I am a 30 year old woman and certainly not jealous of a 3 year old child! I'm anxious now with what my mum thinks of me. She's always shit stirring and making me out to be a villain.

I'd love to go NC sometimes and move away further from her and cut her off completely.

Sorry for the rant...I guess my AIBU is am I being precious/oversensitive? Or does my mum need to stop being a dick?

This isn't an isolated incident btw. She has been constantly nit-picking about everything from my looks to my boyfriebds to my career choices throughout my life.

Quietly go NC

She doesn't sound very nice to me.

What's your relationship like with your brother and sister?

Have you ever tried to talk to your Mum about the way she makes you feel?

Sorry brother and SIL not sister.

Sounds like she could be a dick, from what you've said. Cancel tomorrow, see what happens? Come up with a very plausible excuse and then watch and wait. Take charge a bit. We all have agency.

Why on earth are you going on a walk with her? It sounds like she is a stirrer, and creating a drama for the sake of it - have you considered feeding her a gentle stream of increasingly implausible nonsense and seeing how much she spouts off?

Mum told me she is worried about me being there too because I "get jealous of the attention the child receives".

“Ok mum, I’ll give it a miss”.

Then contact your brother and SIL, arrange to meet up with them separately, and quietly go very LC/NC with your mum.

It’s really that simple.

@Mum497

She doesn't sound very nice to me.

What's your relationship like with your brother and sister?

Have you ever tried to talk to your Mum about the way she makes you feel?

Every time I try and talk to her about it she twists it round on me and says that I "overexaggerate" and am too sensitive.

She makes me feel like a complete failure. I try to be this lovely daughter to her and yet nothing I do pleases her. It is exhausting.

Go NC. Do it. And never look back.

Then start to heal.

She is the dick. 100%.

@DarthWeeder I did say something along those lines. Only for her to get angry and tell me I am ridiculous and hang up the phone.

@anamazingfind

Quietly go NC

How though?

I have a difficult mother for different reasons than what you explain but similar in the terms of shit-stirring etc. Lockdown and not having to see her much has been great to be honest. Try and distance from her as much as possible op! 🌸

You're not allowed to meet up with three households, surely? Even outside!

YANBU. You are not being oversensitive, and it would be completely reasonable to have low contact or no contact at all.

It's like you are describing my MIL.
No matter how much I do for her she is always shit stirring behind my back to her family.
Had enough one day after I caught her chatting shit to her daughter again, making an entire fantasy story up to make me look bad.
Decided enough was enough, seen her for the narcissist she is and gone low contact for my own sanity.
Delightful thing is we live together because they are supposedly old and need care. From us would you believe

@Umbivalent in my defence I didnt know until about 5pm this afternoon that she'd invited my brother along

Thanks @Roob23
I am going to step down my contact with her. She has ruined my Friday night (of drinking wine and watching shit TV with the husband!)
Just feel utterly utterly pissed off and upset and paranoid. I shouldn't be feeling this way at 30.

[quote FrostyChocolateMilkshake]@Umbivalent in my defence I didnt know until about 5pm this afternoon that she'd invited my brother along[/quote]
So just tell her that you don't want to break the rules!

She sounds like a nightmare. It's time for you to start gently disengaging to a level of interraction that you feel comfortable with.

Look up “medium chill” also called “grey rock”

@FrostyChocolateMilkshake

Thanks *@Roob23* I am going to step down my contact with her. She has ruined my Friday night (of drinking wine and watching shit TV with the husband!) Just feel utterly utterly pissed off and upset and paranoid. I shouldn't be feeling this way at 30.

Only you are in control of your reactions. Give yourself ten minutes to be upset, then tell yourself that you're not going to give her the power to ruin your evening.

Come to the stately homes thread on relationships board for support and advice from those who've been where you are..It's eye opening!

@Umbivalent wise words, thank you. I really need to take control of my feelings and not let her ruin my night. Also I tried telling her I don't want to break covid rules only to be met with a sigh and telling me she couldn't give a shit about rules.

@HowLongTo2022

Look up “medium chill” also called “grey rock”

This is so interesting! Thanks for the tip.

in my defence I didnt know until about 5pm this afternoon that she'd invited my brother along

Perfect excuse to cancel: “sorry mum, I wouldn’t want to break lockdown rules. Have a lovely time”

Then quietly distance yourself from her. Honestly OP, you will never have the relationship you want with a parent like this. You need to give her as few opportunities as possible to be poisonous towards you.

for you, it’s shit (daughter of a toxic father here)

Also, yes to grey rock!

@WinstonsWeirdVole thank you for your comment. How did you deal with a toxic father?