Shit-stirring mother.

[FrostyChocolateMilkshake]

My mum seems to love to shit stir and make me out to be a horrible, selfish person.

I don't have kids (out of choice) and my mum constantly makes digs at me about it. Tells her friends at work and other family members about my decision not to have kids, is very disappointed in me etc.

I am meeting my mum for a walk tomorrow and she has told me my brother and SIL are going to be there, with their child. Mum told me she is worried about me being there too because I "get jealous of the attention the child receives". I have no idea where this has come from. I am a 30 year old woman and certainly not jealous of a 3 year old child! I'm anxious now with what my mum thinks of me. She's always shit stirring and making me out to be a villain.

I'd love to go NC sometimes and move away further from her and cut her off completely.

Sorry for the rant...I guess my AIBU is am I being precious/oversensitive? Or does my mum need to stop being a dick?

This isn't an isolated incident btw. She has been constantly nit-picking about everything from my looks to my boyfriebds to my career choices throughout my life.

Just don’t go, text your brother and tell him why , ie three households can’t meet

Just start ignoring her, go very LC

Just because she doesn't care about the rules doesn't mean you have to ignore them as well. You can have the satisfaction of not going and being all self-righteous at the same time 😁 Maybe you can even score a trifecta and have her stop talking to you! 🎉

@Chloemol

Just don’t go, text your brother and tell him why , ie three households can’t meet

Just start ignoring her, go very LC

Two households can't meet either!

If you're able to talk with your brother and SIL, it might be worth keeping that contact going, if only to counter anything your DM has said to them about you.

@TurquoiseDragon

If you're able to talk with your brother and SIL, it might be worth keeping that contact going, if only to counter anything your DM has said to them about you.

Yes, I agree. I'm just really hurt by how she has acted with me today and spoken to me like I'm unstable. It's horrific.

I agree with @DarthWeeder' s advice sadly its impossible to win with this type of personality.
But don't let her come between you and your sibling or play you off each other, or tell them that you are jealous of their child... without standing up for yourself and always having direct conversations.
Too often this type of person becomes the communication facilitator and takes on the role of Interpreter between family groups. Its a form of control. They are the ones who pass on invitations or family news, in their own variation of it and people get used to communicating via them. Time to break the pattern.

[quote FrostyChocolateMilkshake]@Umbivalent in my defence I didnt know until about 5pm this afternoon that she'd invited my brother along[/quote]
Well now you know, you can use lockdown as a perfect reason (she's not bubbled with your brother is she? Though even so, still not allowed yet)

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff totally agree. It is exhausting dealing with this type of person, especially when it is a family member.

How did you deal with a toxic father?

Actually it was lockdown that helped with this. I’d see him very regularly before that and he’d never miss an opportunity to stick the knife in, whether it was undermining my parenting, criticizing my appearance/husband/job/politics, you name it. I was conditioned to be very dependent on my parents growing up so have always found it very difficult to distance myself. However since lockdown I’ve only seen my parents briefly to drop off groceries etc and I don’t call them, they don’t see my DC, etc (they helped with childcare before) so the dynamic has shifted. It would be difficult to go NC completely but I keep contact to a bare minimum now and adopt the grey rock approach - no drama that way, and my MH has honestly never been better.

One minute she is my best friend being kind and nice and jovial towards me. The next she is playing me off against other family members. It's toxic as fuck.

@WinstonsWeirdVole sorry to hear how your dad treats you. Sadly I receive the same treatment off my mum.
I'm going to read more about this grey rock stuff. Sounds like I need to start applying this to my approach with my mum.

I wouldn't stop speaking to her, and maybe ask her to stop being so mean to you. Or otherwise accept, that she will always have this mean spirited way about her, that's very unpleasant, and now ingrained in her personality. There are lots of people like this, for reasons unknown.

Oh no, don't let her ruin your wine & shit telly night!!
My dm is similar & yes, exhausting is the perfect word to describe this kind of behaviour.
Cry off tomorrow & don't make any more arrangements. Dodge the next few invitations. I see my dm v occasionally & nearly always with dsis as it dilutes her behaviour a bit.
Good luck.

@1forAll74

I wouldn't stop speaking to her, and maybe ask her to stop being so mean to you. Or otherwise accept, that she will always have this mean spirited way about her, that's very unpleasant, and now ingrained in her personality. There are lots of people like this, for reasons unknown.

Thing is she is so unbelievably lovely to everyone else. My SIL, her friends, her colleagues. Everyone but me. I feel she has a lot of pent up anger stored up against me and I have no idea why.

Is your brother the favoured child @FrostyChocolateMilkshake or might you find a supportive ally in him?

This sounds very tiring. I agree with what pp have said... I'd look to see your brother, SIL and niece separately. Then you can have the sort of relationship you want with them without your mother shit-stirring and playing you off against a 3 year old.

@TopTabby I'm going to drink my wine and find some shit film to watch and forget about her. Toxic people are the worst.

@NormanStangerson

Is your brother the favoured child *@FrostyChocolateMilkshake* or might you find a supportive ally in him?

He absolutely is. Always has been since childhood. My parents have even told me this before, a few times when I was a child. I love my brother to bits though, he's awesome. Not his fault he is the favourite I suppose!

Do you want a relationship with her going forward? If you do I think you need to accept she is not going to be supportive and loving and it will be at a distance. If she says something like that again, treat her how you would someone that you barely knew and just say 'ha ha', and leave it as that. Don't respond at all, I think people only make comments like this when they want a reaction. But it might be better for your own mental health if you distance yourself a bit more. What does your sibling think?

Not your brothers fault he is he favourite but how does he act about it? Would he call your mum out on it? Would he share any practical or financial benefits he gains from it? It's different being a passive bystander and still benefiting, to recognising it and wanting no part of it and trying to make things fair

I can’t bear child favouritism. It can totally and utterly fuck up the ‘other child’, in a dynamic of two siblings. It can also damage their relationship, so I’m glad yours is ok.

She sounds cruel to you, for whatever reason. Don’t subject yourself to that. She doesn’t deserve your efforts anymore.

If your brother is aware of it, maybe have a really brutally honest chat with him. Tell him how it makes you feel. It might just filter back to her. I wouldn’t suggest you try with her anymore, but it might do her some good to think about the cruelty she is inflicting on her other child and she might just listen to it from her favourite one.

The situation is making me think of Ross and Monica. Without the humour.

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken I haven't spoken to my brother about it. But he knows what mum is like and how she can be towards me. I wouldnt want to ask him in case it got out I'd been speaking about her. It's very tiring having to watch what you're saying all the time!
I'm being pushed further and further away from her. And I'm getting to the point where I feel I'd be happier and less anxious without her in my life.

Hi OP.
I've been NC with both parents for decades now. You will often see threads on here with others in the same boat. I am yet to see anyone on those posts regretting what they did and that they can appreciate how much better they think of themselves as a result. It doesn't need to be as drastic as NC but LC can be a start. And the 'you're being too sensitive' line always seems to be their defence!

@NormanStangerson thank you. Yeah it is horrible knowing you weren't the favourite child growing up and still as adults you aren't the favourite. Makes you feel like you fucked up along the way, or that it was a mistake you were born.

I agree that your Mum is unreasonable towards you. She possibly feels resentful of you as you've chosen to not have children. she may feels it says that you didn't value your childhood, and so don'y want to replicate one. This makes her feel uneasy and judged.