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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Shit-stirring mother.

137 replies

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 12/03/2021 19:22

My mum seems to love to shit stir and make me out to be a horrible, selfish person.

I don't have kids (out of choice) and my mum constantly makes digs at me about it. Tells her friends at work and other family members about my decision not to have kids, is very disappointed in me etc.

I am meeting my mum for a walk tomorrow and she has told me my brother and SIL are going to be there, with their child. Mum told me she is worried about me being there too because I "get jealous of the attention the child receives". I have no idea where this has come from. I am a 30 year old woman and certainly not jealous of a 3 year old child! I'm anxious now with what my mum thinks of me. She's always shit stirring and making me out to be a villain.

I'd love to go NC sometimes and move away further from her and cut her off completely.

Sorry for the rant...I guess my AIBU is am I being precious/oversensitive? Or does my mum need to stop being a dick?

This isn't an isolated incident btw. She has been constantly nit-picking about everything from my looks to my boyfriebds to my career choices throughout my life.

OP posts:

PADH · 12/03/2021 21:03

@HowLongTo2022

Look up “medium chill” also called “grey rock”

I second this. Been blissfully grey rocking my MIL for 5 years and my life has been happier, quieter and simpler ever since.

CoveredInSnow · 12/03/2021 21:09

I recognise so much from your posts, including being the non-favoured child and comments about not having had children.

I keep my mother at arm’s length for the sake of my sanity. It’s hard, isn’t it? Particularly at this time of year when we’re surrounded by the “Tell your mum how wonderful she is” of Mothers’ Day, when you want to scream “Well my mother bloody well isn’t wonderful!”

Babygotblueyes · 12/03/2021 21:11

@Duskydai

NuclearDH · 12/03/2021 21:12

[quote FrostyChocolateMilkshake]@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken I haven't spoken to my brother about it. But he knows what mum is like and how she can be towards me. I wouldnt want to ask him in case it got out I'd been speaking about her. It's very tiring having to watch what you're saying all the time!
I'm being pushed further and further away from her. And I'm getting to the point where I feel I'd be happier and less anxious without her in my life.[/quote]
Why would it matter if it did get back to her? You’re living in fear of her reaction and I totally get it....I was like this with my mum for years.

I wanted to go NC with her for years before I did but was too scared of her reaction to do it. In the end there was an incident and she stormed off (like she often did, she’d have a fit, ignore me for weeks and then come back like nothing had happened).

But this time she never came back and I never contacted her. It was life changing. No more dreading the phone ringing, no more weekends ruined by an obligation day spent with her having a shit time. Like your mum she’d spend a lot of time criticising me and making me feel shit.

You wouldn’t keep a friend like that in your life, so why put up with it from her.

After a few years I did get a letter from my mum saying she thought she had cancer and that I had to step up to help with hospital visits, etc....lengthy letter with a few digs about what a disappointment I was, etc. I ignored it.

She did actually die a couple of months ago. I don’t feel sad and I don’t regret being NC with her for the last few years.

If you go NC with her you will probably feel like a weight has been lifted. But you need to be prepared for her trying to work her way back in, make you feel guilty, use your brother as a flying monkey.

Another option is to treat her like a naughty kid and every time she behaves poorly clearly tell her and say you won’t put up with it and leave/sling her out your house. Tell her when she can behave herself and not be nasty you’ll see her again. Problem is she will think you’re being unreasonable and is unlikely to think she’s doing anything wrong. You’d need to be super firm and consistent even when she’s bleating she didn’t mean anything by her last little dig.

crappysummit · 12/03/2021 21:13

OP if you wanted to try one last ditch attempt at contact for sake of family unity you could try calling her out every time - like when she says you are ridiculous ask her whether she ever talks to anyone else like that. And if she says "no but you are ridiculous" say you are not and that even if you were it is very rude for her to say it, and if she wants to be a nice person she should be kind to everyone including you, and just generally make it clear you won't take any more from her. There is an outside chance she will back off. But like @Nenevalleykayaker says it might make her worse, or she might stick her talons into someone else instead.

@nenevalletkayaker i have one like yours, so i'd believe you!

Mary46 · 12/03/2021 21:14

I must read up on grey rock. I have confronted her before about her behaviour. My father always gave her her own way. Im still hurt by some things. Families unreal at times with drama

NuclearDH · 12/03/2021 21:15

Fear. Obligation. Guilt.

You’re clouded by FOG.

Toothpaste123 · 12/03/2021 21:15

Look up gaslighting on you tube. There are some really good therapists there talking about people who manipulate others. You mentioned how your mum tells you you're overreacting is quite telling. My MIL is like this towards me. Toxic as hell. I'm glad she now lives in another country 😅

Worldwide2 · 12/03/2021 21:16

@nenevalleykayaker You would have lots of ppl who would believe and support you on here. You are not alone in batshit behaviour from family members.

ShatParp · 12/03/2021 21:24

@FrostyChocolateMilkshake definitely grey rock! It's a complete life saver. Also have a look at Dr Les Carter on YouTube for insight and advice. Helped me so much and it's lovely not being affected by this sort of crap any more! I sympathise!!

bringincrazyback · 12/03/2021 21:35

You don't like her very much do you op?

@Chicchicchicchiclana is it really surprising, given how the OP's mum has treated her??

user1471439310 · 12/03/2021 21:37

No matter what you do, how you act or drive yourself crazy you'll never please your mom. That is her issue.

ExtraordinaryQuince · 12/03/2021 21:41

Is she trying to provoke a reaction from you?

Does it matter what she thinks of you?

Call you just miss the occasion altogether (bit of a cough or something?).

Woodlandbelle · 12/03/2021 21:46

Quietly reduce contact. Just be busy - say you are going a course or something and not be as a available

lazylump72 · 12/03/2021 21:47

Go wait for her to be malicious again and take a deep breathe and walk away.Just walk and keep walking and never go back,End it once and for all,no phone calls no texts nothing, Or wait til she starts again and tell her thanks for that mum but that is the very last put down I take from you ,,I am done and finished with you, You only have to do it once OP be brave you dont need to live like this a day longer.

billy1966 · 12/03/2021 21:51

@gluteustothemaximus

Go NC. Do it. And never look back.

Then start to heal.

She is the dick. 100%.

Please do this. You are so young. Don't spoil your lovely life listening to this poisonous shite that takes your precious peace.

Please don't.

Peace is so precious.
Cancel tomorrow.

Do ANYTHING but meet her.

If you are not careful you will waste 10 years of your life on this.

Take action NOW.

Get therapy as support.

Dacquoise · 12/03/2021 21:52

If your mother thinks it's okay to denigrate you behind your back with your siblings she is unlikely to turn into the loving respectful person you would like her to be. Her defensiveness is all you need to tell you she isn't going to change.

My mother was like that. I was the family scapegoat from a small child. My siblings, especially my brother were the 'good' ones and were encouraged to join in the contempt for me. I put up with her crap far too long. Been NC for years now and couldn't be happier as the further time goes on the more I realise how little joy she brought to my life. And I won't be stuck with caring for her in her old age, which is the ultimate insult for having awful parents.

You are only 30 and have a great opportunity here to get away. It doesn't have to be dramatic, you can slowly fade her away. Just don't turn up to anything she organises, don't approach or call her. Have excuses ready. She may eventually call you out on it. You may be brave enough to put her straight on your reasons or just continue to not cooperate.

My 'mother's did a wonderful job in ensuring all of her children are estranged from each other and her but what I 'lost' no where near diminishes the sense of freedom and joy of not having to deal with her disorganised thinking and behaviour.

Original poster

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 12/03/2021 21:52

All your comments are so overwhelming. I could cry. I've been made to feel I am ridiculous and stupid and immature and jealous and spiteful but your comments have made me realise what she is doing isn't normal and our relationship isn't normal. She is not supportive of me whatsoever and never has been. The killer is, even if I had kids, she'd find a way to pull me down.

OP posts:

NuclearDH · 12/03/2021 21:54

@FrostyChocolateMilkshake

My mum started pulling my Dd down the way she’d always pulled me down and that was the catalyst for me going NC with her. I told her I wasn’t prepared for her bullshit to continue.

Original poster

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 12/03/2021 21:57

@Chicchicchicchiclana

You don't like her very much do you op?

You don't have to see her if you don't want to. Re. tomorrow you can say "I've decided not to come, hope you have a good day".

Leave it there.

I love my mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 12/03/2021 21:59

@Dacquoise it sounds like we have had similar experiences, with both being the scapegoat in our chilehoods. It is, without sounding dramatic, quite traumatising to realise that is what you've been treated as.

OP posts:

maynardgkrebs · 12/03/2021 22:01

@FrostyChocolateMilkshake

Start considering all the ways she makes you feel - ridiculous, and stupid, and immature, and jealous, and spiteful, etc etc - as qualities that are in her, not you. Qualities that she is denying in herself and projecting onto you.

Start noticing how all the things she says you are, are in fact what she is. It's actually her being described, not you.

It helps a little. Reducing contact helps a little. Therapy. Very hard when it's your mother, but you probably will never please her.

Original poster

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 12/03/2021 22:02

@Nenevalleykayaker Jesus Christ, I'm so so sorry to hear you've been through this. Your mother sounds like a demon, you deserve so much better. I hope you are OK and happy now x

OP posts:

Mary46 · 12/03/2021 22:05

I did counselling. I enabled the behaviour too. I stand no crap now. It took guts to stand up to her. I do see her its minimal. The mood can turn at any time. Good for now. It just exhausting op

RandomMess · 12/03/2021 22:06

Everyone loves their Mum even though most abused and neglected children.

You can love someone AND accept they are not good for you.

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