Shit-stirring mother.

[FrostyChocolateMilkshake]

My mum seems to love to shit stir and make me out to be a horrible, selfish person.

I don't have kids (out of choice) and my mum constantly makes digs at me about it. Tells her friends at work and other family members about my decision not to have kids, is very disappointed in me etc.

I am meeting my mum for a walk tomorrow and she has told me my brother and SIL are going to be there, with their child. Mum told me she is worried about me being there too because I "get jealous of the attention the child receives". I have no idea where this has come from. I am a 30 year old woman and certainly not jealous of a 3 year old child! I'm anxious now with what my mum thinks of me. She's always shit stirring and making me out to be a villain.

I'd love to go NC sometimes and move away further from her and cut her off completely.

Sorry for the rant...I guess my AIBU is am I being precious/oversensitive? Or does my mum need to stop being a dick?

This isn't an isolated incident btw. She has been constantly nit-picking about everything from my looks to my boyfriebds to my career choices throughout my life.

When you do see her, make sure its in company, not solo and stand up to her when she makes a mean remark. You are grown up with a husband of your own and you really don't need her approval or have to play her game any more.

I feel as if some mother daughters have a love hate relationship, if go long arm contact to protect yourself.

You didn’t fuck up. The only people who have fucked up are your parents for treating you differently to your brother and for making it plain.

@NormanStangerson

You didn’t fuck up. The only people who have fucked up are your parents for treating you differently to your brother and for making it plain.

Thank you. I wish I could be as open with my mum in how she makes me feel but she would turn vicious and tell me how stupid I am. Apparently I am "ridiculous" for feeling the way I do. More and more memories are coming back to me and it is heartbreaking how cruel she has been to me growing up. She has no respect for me whatsoever.

You have 2 choices:

1. Cut yourself off. You won't have to deal with her bullshit ever again, but you also won't have a mum.

2. Accept your mum as she is, including her toxic behaviour.

To be honest both choices aren't great, but you an adult and have the right to decide who is and who is not part of your life.

I agree with @'NormanStangerson. Also don't let your mum write the story of your life and define how you and others see you. Its up to you to decide that. You need to spend more time with, and listen to people who are positive towards you. She her putdowns for what they are ... just nonsense.. and try not to put yourself in positions when you have to engage with such comments.

What does your DH say about it?

see not she

I wish I could be as open with my mum in how she makes me feel but she would turn vicious and tell me how stupid I am.
Apparently I am "ridiculous" for feeling the way I do
More and more memories are coming back to me and it is heartbreaking how cruel she has been to me growing up. She has no respect for me whatsoever

You know what to do. Go LC and maybe even eventually NC and then realise somewhere down that line that you’re free of that childlike urge to try to please her, and go forth and be brilliant.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff my DH just shakes his head and doesnt really comment. He doesn't like getting involved but he knows how mum makes me feel. He doesn't like to speak badly of people though.

@Ozziewoz I get where you're coming from. But she is so toxic about it! And surely it is my decision as a grown woman to decide if I want kids or not. Annoys me so much.

Next time she brings the subject up, tell her that it was having her as a Mother that made you decide you didn't want children yourself - she fucked it up, you wouldn't want to make the same mistakes she did and end up with an unhappy child.

My sister & I came to that decision about my Mother - I was NC, so didn't discuss it with her, no idea whether my sister did.

If nothing else, it will shut her up.

@NormanStangerson the idea of never having to deal with her nastiness ever again makes my heart soar to be honest.

Maybe try to avoid being in her company when others are there if she gets the digs in when there is an audience present & you feel you can't properly respond without 'proving' you are oversensitive etc (not that you are). She might lose some of her power then. If you are just alone with her or on your turf (DH there) then you can respond to any jibes although I'd do my level best to smile & ignore & say 'each to their own' if she is finding fault or remarking about life choices. Spend separate time with other family members where you can enjoy & relax & then can see you are not jealous of your 3 yr old niece...
I think people are very quick to jump onto NC bandwagon here. Lots of us have complex relationships to navigate ...if balance can be brought to them then all the better but I wouldn't cut someone off without trying to find it. I wouldn't be a sucker for punishment either. Shift the goal posts & see her on your terms...if you eant to see her. , only you can decide if your life would be better without her in it. Try to gain control & stop letting her upset you so much unless you have to take the nuclear option. I hope it gets better for you.

Seriously go very very low contact with your Mum, distance yourself and don't let her draw you back in with the "good times" etc.

Keep your relationship with your DB & family separate.

Get some counselling to work through it especially the FOG (fear obligation guilt).

She should be supporting your decision not to have children not to make out you are some jealous saddo, definitely reduce contact with her if she is going to come out with stuff like that.
Enjoy your wine and forget her.

I assume that your DH knows your mother? What does he say, what is his advice?

Of course it's your decision. My mother is the same, and as a result I have gone NC. I do have children though, but I found her behaviour is still spiteful and odd.Very controlling. I really feel for you, but you have to get to the point of, 'is this relationship worth it. Are you benefitting from it. What stress is it causing you. My mother was so dismissive of me. Constant eye rolling, and snide remarks.
I love not having contacat. It's bliss.

Ah, I see what she's doing, she's punishing you for not having children. My DM does this in a very subtle way.

She sounds nasty. I put strict boundaries in with mam less visits etc. Have look at stephanielyn coaching on IG she has good tips on dealing with bad behaviours. Dont engage bye have to go keep it short!

It's not you, it's her. Mine did the same - even down to the comments about my childfree state.
She sapped the little confidence I had for so many years and I ended up in an abusive relationship which, when I left, she said how much she felt sorry for him for having to live with me.

I only kept in contact for my dads sake as he's my rock (though didn't always stand up to her but she bullied him too).

Mine died a few years ago and I felt nothing but relief. But also regret that I kept that toxic waste dump of a human being in my life for far too long.

Go NC.

The 'oversensitive' and 'ridiculous' made me wince as I've been hearing these from my own mum all my life. They're gaslighting techniques. She sounds narcissistic too, judging by her reaction to your not having kids. That's something that really isn't about her and yet she's made it... well, about her.

OP I know how you feel and I think you are making the absolute right decision to distance yourself. This kind of thing can easily wreck a person's self-esteem for good. I know it's difficult and hurtful when it's a parent pulling this shit, though.

I am really sorry this is happening to you - it is crappy. Rather than getting into a discussion/argument about what she has just said, what if you said something like 'I'm not sure what to make of that' or 'not really sure where that is coming from' and moved on? Unfortunately you have a mother whose aim is to get a reaction from you, preferably anger or upset. She will say whatever she has to in order to get a response from you so could be helpful to remember that she will spout any BS to get the reaction. I used to do this with my sister - when she said something like 'so and so is nicer than you' I would just agree and move on. In my experience, once you stop getting upset, they cut back or stop eventually. And if they do kick off, you have practised giving their words the amount of attention it deserves - none. Good luck.

You don't like her very much do you op?

You don't have to see her if you don't want to. Re. tomorrow you can say "I've decided not to come, hope you have a good day".

Leave it there.

Wow this hits home, my DM is exactly the same. I have a much younger sister (who is now 8) that she always claims I am jealous of if I try to say anything. I’m always sensitive too. I’m the eldest and when I was little she was very strict with me - no TV except for half an hour on weekends, no chocolate until primary school age, no mobile phone until I was 18, no friends around / going out with friends until I was 15 and she would come too. I got hit a lot too especially if my siblings copied me as it was always my fault they were doing something wrong. All of this wouldn’t bother me at all now except my youngest sister has her own iPad since 3years old, chocolate every day after every dinner, games and watches TV 24/7 etc etc so it just feels so so unfair that she’s so lax with her when I felt so deprived.

I have a complicated family dynamic and cannot draw back completely but have worked hard to limit contact without making it so obvious. I don’t answer when she calls and then will call back the next day. I often say ‘oh I think I’m busy but maybe another time’ to a lot of requests, DH and I no longer visit monthly (we live a few hours away) and pre Covid go every 2-3 months, etc. She and her sisters have always criticised the appearances of their kids constantly so when we visit they always have comments about my weight / clothes. I just say ‘well i don’t mind it’ and change the subject now instead of arguing and getting annoyed. I grey rock a lot and try not to talk for long on the phone as the longer we talk, the more likely that we will argue.

I also have a DD 6m and DM is constantly moaning she has only seen her once but due to Covid we haven’t been able to travel to visit (we’re in Wales and they’re in England) and tbh this has been great. I feel upset DD hasn’t met her family properly and my DM loves her lots but I am glad to have some boundaries to parent in the way I want to. She made a big fuss that I was doing BLW instead of jamming purées and rusks in her mouth & that I rock her to sleep so these kind of comments from me would really annoy me if we were physically close to them (I’m a children’s nurse so although a FTM I’m not clueless about kids!) Do you have kids? Do you want them to be criticised by her like you were as a kid / are now?

My advice would be to read up about grey rock technique and just reduce contact slowly until you decide if you want to go LC or NC. It doesn’t feel like it when you’re in the middle of it but you’re in control of your relationship with her and how much it is affecting you. You can change that!

Shite sorry for the essay! Clearly I have some issues from her and her treatment of me over the years!

Your relationship will never improve with her, and by attempting it, you’ll make her more withdrawn, more defensive to your approaches, and more likely to up the ante against you. Because you’re onto her ways and starting to question and challenge it, that’s the point abusive people escalate. They like you submissive and hurting. When you start standing up for yourself, you become less pliable to them so they have to destroy you before you out them as the bad one all along.

My mother is the same.
She’ll be supporting me through DV by making all the right noises, then lets the kids absent dad sleep overnight at her house, sending him onto my previously secret address, where inevitably the police have to be called and the kids are scared of him,

and ‘likes’ and Shares his crazy posts on his Facebook hate campaign against me and my husband where DV ex states I’m crazy, bad mother, psychopath - all the usual stuff - and she ^agrees’ with him! It beggars belief.
Then a day later she’ll send ‘normal’ texts like hi how’s your day sort of thing.

If I started a thread on MN about my wider family I’d be called a troll because of the fantastical impossibly heinous incidents that have occurred. It would make good reading, but nobody would believe me on here because they’re so bizarre, so I’ll never really get any proper advice or an outsiders viewpoint on it it’s a shame because I really admire MN blunt speaking (I’ve been here since about 2006 when pregnant with first, about 6 years after the DV started).