Mum wants extra bathroom installed in my house

[lifestyleguru]

Please tell me what you think.

I live 10 mins away from my 72 yo old Mum who lives on her own. She suffers from depression.

I work as does my husband, we have 2 teenagers with additional needs.
I am currently undergoing cancer treatment.

My Mum says she does not come around that often because our stairs are too steep and she cannot get up them. She has arthritis and usually walks unaided. When she is over, we help her up the stairs and she always get there. Before she was less mobile, she did not come round much because she doesn’t like stairs.

Over the past couple of months she has said how upset and angry she is that we have not installed a downstairs bathroom for her, or even supplied a camode ( I don’t know where we would put that). We are doing up our house a bit so we can sell in a year or two but spending what we need to.

I am finding this really stressful and I don’t know what to do. Thanks.

Do you even have anywhere a downstairs toilet could go?

Can you afford it? Can you fit it in?

A downstairs toilet would probably add value to your home, no?

Maybe you could buy a wicker chair commode. When not in use they are just like a conventional bucket chair.

If she was to move in with you id get one done.

If not, absolutely not. Surely you can go over to hers where shes comfortable? And no extra expense to you, at that.

If you don’t want to or can’t afford one, she’s being massively unreasonable.

Why do you need to adapt your home for her? Can you not just visit her?

A commode is portable. You just put it anywhere. She must really struggle with the stairs to suggest that. Or be being very manipulative, I suppose.

Can she pay for it?

If you’re planning to move soon, you probably don’t want to spend the money I guess.

She's being unreasonable, obviously you are not expected to add a downstairs bathroom in these circumstances. This is about something else, probably a general sense from her that you aren't helping her enough or something.

I think your mum is being unreasonable in expecting a WC to be installed for her benefit.

However if you are planning to sell in a year or two and you don't already have a second loo (downstairs) I really would advise having one put in if it's within your means to do so- ie space and cost.

A second loo is considered a modern standard for most. Even with a downstairs loo in addition to a family bathroom, a lot of our feedback from viewings ruled out our house because of no ensuite. People just expect a downstairs loo these days so it will do you well in the long term.

I can’t imagine my mum or my mother in law being quite so demanding.

Also if she lives 10 minutes away, can she not come for short visits where she wouldn't need the use of a toilet.

She is unreasonable being annoyed that you haven't installed a bathroom or commode when she hasn't actually asked for it either.

Yes. Tell her to pay. It will cost a fortune

She's unreasonable to expect you to install a bathroom for her visits when she lives round the corner. And a commode is rank unless you absolutely need one for someone living in the house.

But with 4 people I would have thought a downstairs loo would be a huge help.

I would 100% install a downstairs loo for my mum or MIL so that they could be comfortable in my house, and not need to helped up the stairs to use the bathroom- as long as it was feasible and I could afford it.

I also think for anyone, a downstairs loo is useful and adds value to a house

🤔

Oh my goodness when she does visit how does that go?

(Not the toilet needs the rest of the visit!)

If I were going to stay in the house and could possibly afford it then I’d have installed a downstairs loo as a matter of importance, both for my own family’s convenience and to make my DM feel comfortable visiting me.

If I were moving in the near future: maybe not, it depends on the local property market.

Tell her by all means she can pay for one if you have space for one. I don't know why anyone would expect someone to make structural alterations to their house for their visits.

She’s not being unreasonable for not coming round because your house is not suitable for her disability. You are not being unreasonable in not adapting your house for her disability unless:

1. You’re giving her a hard time about not coming round
2. You never go and see her

Your mum is probably in an awful lot of pain which is draining and causes misery. On top of this she is maybe lonely and has lots of time for negative thoughts which is why she lashed out at you.

Talk to her

Is she offering to pay for it?

You need to concentrate on yourself during your cancer treatment OP. You can think about toilets later.

Can’t you just go and visit her? Is she providing help for you with your cancer treatment or your children? Otherwise I would just say no to be honest. Seems a bit entitled...!

If your house doesn’t suit her, you just need to visit her instead.

Ok. So a commode your mum can purchase privately from eBay or a disability equipment supplier. You could arrange one that is kept in garage if you have room that you bring out for her. I wouldn't do works to my house if I was planning to sell it, any toilet you squeeze in to a house you haven't already done so in, is unlikely to have disability wide enough room for her to use it.

It's about £30 on eBay ane a little bit more of bought new. If you don't have room to store it and bring out when it is needed with a private place for her to use, then you simply don't.

Please don't feel stressed as you have enough on right now