Mum wants extra bathroom installed in my house

[lifestyleguru]

Please tell me what you think.

I live 10 mins away from my 72 yo old Mum who lives on her own. She suffers from depression.

I work as does my husband, we have 2 teenagers with additional needs.
I am currently undergoing cancer treatment.

My Mum says she does not come around that often because our stairs are too steep and she cannot get up them. She has arthritis and usually walks unaided. When she is over, we help her up the stairs and she always get there. Before she was less mobile, she did not come round much because she doesn’t like stairs.

Over the past couple of months she has said how upset and angry she is that we have not installed a downstairs bathroom for her, or even supplied a camode ( I don’t know where we would put that). We are doing up our house a bit so we can sell in a year or two but spending what we need to.

I am finding this really stressful and I don’t know what to do. Thanks.

One of those camping toilet maybe?

Do you visit her? Or is her complaint because she only sees you if she visits you, and she cant do that because she cannot handle the stairs?

If she is in too much pain then she simply cannot use your toilet. That means she cannot visit. Are you visiting her? I appreciate that you've got a lot going on, but we make time for family.

For those suggesting a stairlift well, have you actually seen what they are like, how much space they occupy and how much they cost? FIL paid £8k about 5-6 years ago.

They don't all use a lot of space and certainly not as much as a downstairs toilet. The ones I have looked at cost 2k.

Visit her instead would be my advice. Good luck with the treatment OP

If you do go down the installation route Saniflo macerators give you a lot of flexibility as to where the room could go.

They pump the waste down small pipes to the soil stack.

You don’t have to have a clear route to the sewer pipe.

I’ve put 2 in. One in an ex coal store in the cellar and the other between 2 bedrooms.

I probably wouldn't actually install a bathroom if you only plan on being there for a year or two, but I would get a commode if that's what your mum feels she needs to feel comfortable coming over, although I guess it's an unpleasant job for whoever has to empty it.

They don't have to be massive at all, you can even get folding ones I think.

But maybe factor a downstairs loo into your new home search if you do want your mum to visit.

I would normally agree with the general consensus that she is being utterly unreasonable but I had an accident to my leg a couple of weeks ago and have been on crutches so I have some sympathy with the mother

I am healing well and will be back to my normal mobility within a month or two. We have steep, narrow stairs and they are tricky so I try to plan on minimum trips between the ground and first floor : my heart goes out, at the moment, to someone who has to be helped up the stairs when they need to go to the loo, which would give additional pressure on the procedure .

Everything is harder when your mobility is compromised and more so when you are not even in your own house. She may have expressed herself when she was having a moment of exasperation at the whole situation.

@JellyfishandShells

I would normally agree with the general consensus that she is being utterly unreasonable but I had an accident to my leg a couple of weeks ago and have been on crutches so I have some sympathy with the mother

I am healing well and will be back to my normal mobility within a month or two. We have steep, narrow stairs and they are tricky so I try to plan on minimum trips between the ground and first floor : my heart goes out, at the moment, to someone who has to be helped up the stairs when they need to go to the loo, which would give additional pressure on the procedure .

Everything is harder when your mobility is compromised and more so when you are not even in your own house. She may have expressed herself when she was having a moment of exasperation at the whole situation.

I totally agree that I'd feel awkward asking for help up and down the stairs for the sole reason of using the loo - it's a bit embarrassing.

But then OP's mum would be willing to accept a commode?? Which to me is more embarrassing than asking someone for help with the stairs as obviously someone will actually need to empty that after she's used it.

In that scenario, I'd rather be walked up the stairs for sure!

A commode sounds disgusting. OPs mother is being too demanding and making this time all about her. OP, tell her to leave you alone. And all the best with dealing with the cancer, I hope you’re feeling better soon.

She needs to pay half the costs to get a downstairs loo. This would add value to your house. I would seriously ask her about it. If you can fit one under your stairs that would be ideal.

@NoBetterthanSheShouldBe
I'm 63 and wouldn't expect ANYONE to adapt their home to suit my needs!!!

I presume you wouldn't be happy if she had an accident all over your sofa, or carpets? That's what she's trying to avoid.

@Belladonna12

For those suggesting a stairlift well, have you actually seen what they are like, how much space they occupy and how much they cost? FIL paid £8k about 5-6 years ago.

They don't all use a lot of space and certainly not as much as a downstairs toilet. The ones I have looked at cost 2k.

Yes mine is fine too. There is variety.

I think it's insane that people think you should install a bathroom for your Mum when

• You're having treatment for cancer
• You have two kids with additional needs
• You work full time
• She lives nearby
• (This one is a guess) She hasn't asked previously?? Or is offering to pay?

And as for the offer of the commode, are you supposed to vacate the living room or something so she can use it? And who is going to empty it? Whilst being treated for cancer I imagine your senses are in overdrive, you'll not be wanting to do that!

Just visit her at her house.

Straight stairlifts are a lot cheaper than curved ones.

I wouldn’t be getting one of these though if you’re moving.

I have mobility issues and couldn’t live in a house with no downstairs loo but your mum is bu. You have enough on your plate. As others have said a downstairs loo will add value when the time comes.

@DinosaurDiana

If your house doesn’t suit her, you just need to visit her instead.

My DD1 and her husband bought a house that had stairs. I use a walker (think you call it a frame) and needed a ramp. I gave them $500 to put in a ramp but there wasn't room for one. So, over a period of five years, I visited them five times--even though they lived less than one-half mile from my home. Even though we are old, we do have some dignity. Would you want your son-in-law helping you up the stairs to the bathroom, waiting outside, and carrying you back down?

^^ I'm not sure what the answer is here. Do you think they should move house?

What's the problem with them visiting you?

@joystir59 nor would I, but I can well imagine that in 10 years time I might have to carefully consider where it’s practical for me to spend extended periods of time. I would not, for example, choose to drink in a Wetherspoons I know where the loos are two long staircases and opposite side of the building from the bar.

Not everyone has problems, but some do.

A stairlift is an unnecessary, complex way to clutter up your house, especially when you plan to sell it.

A downstairs loo is a useful, practical investment, especially when you plan to sell your house.

If you have the room and the money, it’s a no-brainer for me.

I’m quite surprised at all the suggestions about “just” putting in a downstairs loo. Where do you put them? I’m looking around at my house and I’ve no idea where one would go. The kitchen is the obvious place, I suppose, but that would be a huge amount of work. The kitchen would have to be completely moved, making it smaller, and new walls and drainage put in to make a new room for the loo. The floor- tiled - would have to be dug up-gulp. It sounds horrendous.

@MasterBeth

A stairlift is an unnecessary, complex way to clutter up your house, especially when you plan to sell it.

A downstairs loo is a useful, practical investment, especially when you plan to sell your house.

If you have the room and the money, it’s a no-brainer for me.

She's got cancer and two kids with special needs, this is not the time to be having builders in (cancer treatment compromises the immune system) to do unnecessary work to accommodate someone who doesn't live there and when they plan to move.

I'd buy a house with no downstairs loo if the price reflected that and there was room to put one in.

@MasterBeth

A stairlift is an unnecessary, complex way to clutter up your house, especially when you plan to sell it.

A downstairs loo is a useful, practical investment, especially when you plan to sell your house.

If you have the room and the money, it’s a no-brainer for me.

You think building an a downstairs toilet will be less complex and use less space than a stair lift?

No, I think building something that will be useful both to you and your immediate family and your disabled mother - and that will add value to your house when you sell it - is a better bet than adding a stairlift that’s only going to be used when your mum comes round and wants the loo.

Of course she can’t do it if there’s no room in the house.

Of course she shouldn’t do it if it will compromise her cancer treatment.

But if she has the money and the space, having a toilet put in isn’t a massive job or massive expense.

@MasterBeth

No, I think building something that will be useful both to you and your immediate family and your disabled mother - and that will add value to your house when you sell it - is a better bet than adding a stairlift that’s only going to be used when your mum comes round and wants the loo.

Of course she can’t do it if there’s no room in the house.

Of course she shouldn’t do it if it will compromise her cancer treatment.

But if she has the money and the space, having a toilet put in isn’t a massive job or massive expense.

If OP had the space, the money, thought it would be useful and it wouldn't compromise her treatment then she probably wouldn't be asking what to do. Do you think that she just hadn't thought of it!

Op never came back.