Mum wants extra bathroom installed in my house

[lifestyleguru]

Please tell me what you think.

I live 10 mins away from my 72 yo old Mum who lives on her own. She suffers from depression.

I work as does my husband, we have 2 teenagers with additional needs.
I am currently undergoing cancer treatment.

My Mum says she does not come around that often because our stairs are too steep and she cannot get up them. She has arthritis and usually walks unaided. When she is over, we help her up the stairs and she always get there. Before she was less mobile, she did not come round much because she doesn’t like stairs.

Over the past couple of months she has said how upset and angry she is that we have not installed a downstairs bathroom for her, or even supplied a camode ( I don’t know where we would put that). We are doing up our house a bit so we can sell in a year or two but spending what we need to.

I am finding this really stressful and I don’t know what to do. Thanks.

DGM couldn’t do stairs (arthritis and back issues) but, on a visit, she just didn’t go to the loo and would wait until she got to her house a 30 mins drive away. There wasn’t anywhere DM could have a downstairs loo installed and couldn’t have afforded to anyway.

Also, can you imagine kicking off at your daughter who's got cancer because she hasn't renovated her house for you?!

I'm really surprised so many people are telling you you should install a downstairs toilet you don't need for the use of somebody who lives 10 minutes away, and is demanding enough to throw a tantrum because you haven't.

I wouldn't be doing it.

Wow.

Does she know you are undergoing cancer treatment?

I think you have enough on your plate without having builders in. Go and visit her so you can leave if necessary (I don't doubt this is the tip of the iceberg) and it may help you maintain optional boundaries too.

She going to pay for it and coordinate it since you are ill yourself, have kids with additional needs and work? If not, tell her to get knotted.

It's a mess, having builders in puts you at risk if you are immunocompromised and she's out her tree.

she is angling to move in with you by stealth
mark my words!

Agree this is the first step to wanting to move in.

@MyLittleOrangutan

Also, can you imagine kicking off at your daughter who's got cancer because she hasn't renovated her house for you?!

This.

Madness!

You should install one, but not for her , but maybe you need it for yourself as well when you get to her age, assuming you have no plans to leave

I’m in my 40s but have similar issues with stairs due to becoming disabled a few years ago.

I remember watching relatives with mobility problems when I was young and fit. It’s much more complicated when it happens to you, because from the inside there are lots of complex thoughts and feelings in terms of identity, family role, that kind of thing.

I don’t think your Mum is being reasonable or unreasonable, exactly. She is being emotional and probably letting herself be more raw with you than she would be with with other people.

Being able to be at your house regularly and be able to access the loo without lots of help and fuss, that all has meaning to her beyond the practicalities. It’s about still feeling like she can “be mum” and “be gran” and not feeling like a burden.

I haven’t got time to RTFT (sorry- just about to serve food up), so I don’t know what your relationship is like, but if you love her and value her, have an honest conversation with her and if you can afford a downstairs WC, do it.

I mean, a downstairs loo is really handy so IF you have the money, space and energy to sort it out, I would do so. But not because your DM wants it, she is BU.

@oil0W0lio

she is angling to move in with you by stealth mark my words!

That was my first thought

Anyway, if it is not the right time to do it, there is a portable toilet, just not sure she want to deal with the privacy issues that goes with it

I think she's completely unreasonable - it's not like she lives there! Honestly if she lives 10 mins away, can't you meet at her house or she can go to the toilet before she leaves her home. It's a big ask to renovate your home to accommodate a visitor.

However I do think if you are planning to sell it's a big selling point to have a downstairs loofa you have the space and finances to add one. Best wishes for your cancer treatment.

@Blueberries0112

You should install one, but not for her , but maybe you need it for yourself as well when you get to her age, assuming you have no plans to leave

It says in the OP they’re planning to move in a year or two

Is she always so demanding?

OP, depressed people are often selfish and unreasonable - it can be part of the illness.

Don’t allow her entitlement to cloud your thinking. If she is going to pay for you to have a new bathroom then maybe take her up on it if you want to. If not, just ignore.

camp loos
campingsecrets.co.uk/best-camping-toilet/
I know you can buy them for under £100 is some camping shops -note toilet tent!

She shouldn’t expect you to do such a massive remodel, but you should be visiting in her home. It’s not reasonable to expect her to visit at yours if getting to a toilet is such a chore. If you want her to be able to visit you home in the future, you should consider her needs when selecting your next house. B

She’s 72. Unless you’re planning on her moving in with you it’s probably not worth it. BUT if it will add baker to your property bevsusr there is a downstairs bedroom then definitely do it.

You need to tell her NO. 'That's not happening. We're moving in a couple of years. I'm sick and can't have extra people in just now. It's a pity you feel you can't visit due to this. Hopefully things will change with our next house,' and leave it at that.

@mumwon

camp loos campingsecrets.co.uk/best-camping-toilet/ I know you can buy them for under £100 is some camping shops -note toilet tent!

And empty it out for your selfish mother? Yeah, right.

My DM has arthritis and can walk unaided but it takes her ages to get up and down stairs so she only uses our downstairs bathroom. Arthritis is really painful and I can understand why shes upset/worried. YANBU to say no, just have empathy, explain you understand why she feels as she does but you are not in a position to add a downstairs bathroom.

All modern houses have to have a downstairs loo as standard, so I assume many house buyers would expect a downstairs toilet. So if it is something that can be fitted it might be something to consider, if you are thinking of selling in a couple of years.

But her attitude to you is awful

When my DF had cancer treatment he quite often spent some time in the bathroom as it really impacted his digestive system in many ways. My parents only had the one toilet, so they got a camping style toilet just in case my DM needed to go urgently whilst my DF was being poorly.