Mum wants extra bathroom installed in my house

[lifestyleguru]

Please tell me what you think.

I live 10 mins away from my 72 yo old Mum who lives on her own. She suffers from depression.

I work as does my husband, we have 2 teenagers with additional needs.
I am currently undergoing cancer treatment.

My Mum says she does not come around that often because our stairs are too steep and she cannot get up them. She has arthritis and usually walks unaided. When she is over, we help her up the stairs and she always get there. Before she was less mobile, she did not come round much because she doesn’t like stairs.

Over the past couple of months she has said how upset and angry she is that we have not installed a downstairs bathroom for her, or even supplied a camode ( I don’t know where we would put that). We are doing up our house a bit so we can sell in a year or two but spending what we need to.

I am finding this really stressful and I don’t know what to do. Thanks.

Do you have room for a downstairs loo/shower

If yes then do it

Will only add value

She may just be anxious about not being able to get up the stairs to the loo. Not suggesting by any means that you accommodate her request but my mum hasn't been to my house now for around 5 years for similar reasons.

If I could and there was a space I would install one as I wouldn’t want my mum to struggle.

If you're selling in a year then I don't see the point, unless you can afford it and it would benefit the sale.

Can you visit her at her house until then?

Is there a room downstairs She could pee in peace

A short term solution

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And liners

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I'd also install one of there was room and I could afford it. Without ours 3 out of 4 (grand) parents wouldn't be able to visit.

If you can sensibly install one you'll be widening your pool of possible buyers because a lot of people wouldnt buy without one.

What about a stairlift. But she needs to pay. I wouldn't have a commode.

How often does she come round?
Can't you go to hers?

I think it's too much to ask.

1. It's going to cost a lot.
2. It's going to be disruptive - mess everywhere - walls having to be built or whatever to find a place for it.
3. Your children have additional needs and you are having cancer treatment so having extensive work done is just too much on top of all of that.

Commodes are rank. Where is it going to go and who is going to empty it? Should you be emptying a commode while undergoing cancer treatment and immunocompromised?

Can you hire a portaloo for the garden??

I get what others are saying about the downstairs loo adding value but is it actually going to add more than it costs and is it worth the upheaval when you plan to sell in a year or so anyway.

When you do move, buy a house with a downstairs loo.

Her daughter is going through cancer and she has the audacity to demand such a thing. Maybe you need to hold off on visits till she gets over herself.

@Outwithreason

You need to concentrate on yourself during your cancer treatment OP. You can think about toilets later.

This, with bells on.

Tbh I'm stunned a parent would make this demand in any circumstances

But to say it to someone who is ill?

Say no but I'd also ask her where she gets off being so selfish and entitled.

I suffer with depression as well but I've yet to make any crazy irrational demands of anyone!

You need to focus on your treatment and your kids' with SN just now, not puzzling out solutions for her toileting issues.

Mum can't come to my flat for mobility reasons, this is like her asking me to pay for a weekly cab to mine. I am sorry she can't make the journey but she can't. Also she

Don't get a commode OP. She won't be emptying it! I'm 68 and can't walk far due to painful knees. I can use stairs, albeit rather slowly! You need to look after yourself.

I can't believe there's actually people thinking this is a reasonable request. Your mum is being massively unreasonable.
I hope your treatment is successful

Will add value to your home, ask her to pay. If you are selling up what’s the point to though? New house may not have a downstairs loo.

My mum has crippling arthritis in her hips, knees and spine. She needs a hip replacement but refuses. She finds stairs hard, but she will manage.

She is being unreasonable and needs to ensure her own home is suitable for her needs, not angle her way into your home. You can visit her more as times goes on rather than her visit you and struggle with your stairs. I'm in the process of arranging for my mil, who lives with me, to go onto residential care as I'm not having my home adapted to suit her needs.

And you focus on your needs OP. Sending you massive strength and love.

Your mum is unreasonable to try and use guilt tactics. She should have behaved like a reasonable adult and spoken to you about finding toileting difficult at your home then together you could have seen if there was a reasonable alternative.

If you can afford and want a downstairs loo that’s fine. If not then just visit her at her home instead given she lives so close.

I think she is being unreasonable.

72 is not that old. I accept she is lacking in mobility, but she lives round the corner, practically.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture. As parents age, our own homes - or theirs- may not be practical for visits.

My Mum has not been in my house for 10 years as she lives too far away , other end of the country and the journey is too much for her. (She's in her 90s.)

I visit her.

Maybe your mum needs to accept that things change as people age and homes may not suit their needs.

I wouldn’t do it. But I can see it from her perspective.

Having to be helped up and down the stairs to go for a shit really does eat at your dignity somewhat.

@mumwon

camp loos campingsecrets.co.uk/best-camping-toilet/ I know you can buy them for under £100 is some camping shops -note toilet tent!

Camping toilets are really close to the ground. No way could someone as immobile as the OP's Mum get low enough. It would have to be placed on a plinth or a bench - with attendant risks.

Does she do stairs normally in her own home op?
Also why doesn't she buy her own commode if she is that desperate to visit. Although why should you have a commode in your home all the time waiting for your Mum to call. Forgive me if l am wrong but it smacks to me of her being a bit of a hypochondriac , she isn't a really elderly person. I know she has mobility issues but my Mum who is 89 can't come to my home either, if she has to then she wears an incontinence pad and pees in that if it is an emergency & we can't get her to the loo in time . TMI perhaps but needs must

This all sounds very difficult and upsetting, OP.

She has no business being angry with you, and you have too much on your plate.

She is probably crotchet and bad tempered because she is in pain and has MH issues, but that doesn't mean you have to be her dumping ground.

I can't think what you can do but be very calm and firm with her and lay out your problems. If you have no space and no money for a D/D toilet, then you haven't. It is sad and difficult but you are all living in difficult circumstances. I think you need to tell her that.

Would a stair lift not be cheaper? Or just go to hers.

But I have heard that a downstairs loo increases the value of the house so it may be worth looking in to as you have the space and funds.