Mum wants extra bathroom installed in my house

[lifestyleguru]

Please tell me what you think.

I live 10 mins away from my 72 yo old Mum who lives on her own. She suffers from depression.

I work as does my husband, we have 2 teenagers with additional needs.
I am currently undergoing cancer treatment.

My Mum says she does not come around that often because our stairs are too steep and she cannot get up them. She has arthritis and usually walks unaided. When she is over, we help her up the stairs and she always get there. Before she was less mobile, she did not come round much because she doesn’t like stairs.

Over the past couple of months she has said how upset and angry she is that we have not installed a downstairs bathroom for her, or even supplied a camode ( I don’t know where we would put that). We are doing up our house a bit so we can sell in a year or two but spending what we need to.

I am finding this really stressful and I don’t know what to do. Thanks.

Buy a camping toilet and a tent for the garden, sorted!

She is being exceptionally unreasonable.

Visit at hers or she can pay for a bathroom to be installed if here is space.

@Sahm101

Her daughter is going through cancer and she has the audacity to demand such a thing. Maybe you need to hold off on visits till she gets over herself.

Maybe it’s because her beloved daughter has cancer that she suddenly can’t bear the feeling of not being able to be at her DD’a house much?

When people are upset they sometimes express themselves badly, especially if they are a bit repressed.

Stairlift is a good suggestion, if inclination and funds are there. It’s a much quicker, easier installation than a downstairs loo.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs actually some camp loos are taller more like normal loo type & more stable - there is quite a variety available

I'd tell her she can have a downstairs loo if she wants to pay for it

You can buy second hand stair lifts.

Would you have room and height under the stairs for installing a loo and a small hand basin? It would likely help the house to sell.

Wow, is she maybe thinking she wants to be at your house more while you are undergoing such a horrible time and she is scared for you, but can't be due to the toilet situation. Is she just not very tactful, do you normally get on well?

We were planning on installing one in our house for my mum, as she had arthritis and really struggled with our stairs, however, I wanted to do it to make her life easier when she was here, she never demanded it nor would she have and I wasn't undergoing treatment for cancer.
It does seem very unreasonable behaviour though.

I assume your DM is currently living in a bungalow?

If mobility is becoming a problem, I hope she's considering a referral for assessment for hip and/or knee replacement.

If necessary, get a good quality camping toilet which can be stored very easily and can be used on a one-off basis.

I am a bit confused. If she is only ten minutes away, can you not just visit her instead?

I am 62. I don’t think you youngsters realise quite how quickly elderly women need to be able to get to the toilet, and I can see why stairs would be a problem if she needs help to get up them.

Either visit at her house or provide a commode (this may give her enough confidence not to need to use it!), don’t expect her to visit you if she’s afraid of wetting herself.

I find a downstairs toilet most useful and so does DM, although both of us can put on a fair turn of speed when we need to. Walking 10 minutes home to use the loo with urge incontinence would be out of the question.

If you are planning to sell in a year, and there is no space anyway, then it would seem a bit mad. If there was space it would probably be worthwhile. We are looking to buy a house and lack of downstairs toilet is off-putting. I would hate to lose bedroom space to an ensuite though, so I guess everyone is different!
I would look at the situation as a whole though, are there other problems as well and she's just chosen this one to complain about, or perhaps she's just generally worried about you.

We have this problem with my mum except she's not demanding we build a loo for her. There would be nowhere for it to go anyway. Same with a commode - yuck - who wants that in their living room unless absolutely necessary?

Also if she is having mobility problems this can be rectified sometimes. With hip or knee replacement. Seventy two isn't that old these days.

I’m 58 and have issues with incontinence; obvs it’s extremely embarrassing. Friends know and we make a joke of it but I often think how awful it would be if I wet myself in my daughters’ houses. They’re still at home but even so the future worries me (waiting for op). So I can understand her concerns but I’d never make my DD feel bad about it.

I’d be in worried that if you installed one she would then want to move in and have you look after her and it sounds like you gave enough on your plate right now. Big hugs to you OP x

Gosh, I think your mum is being very unreasonable. I don’t know anyone who has a downstairs loo. Surely they cost a fortune to install and could wreck your downstairs living space?

Have I wandered into an alternative universe or something?? OP has cancer FFS. Why are people telling her to install a toilet for someone WHO DOESN'T EVEN LIVE THERE???

If she paid for it would you install it? If not then don't think anything more of it. It's rude to demand people undertake such expensive renovations. Putting a handrail in is one thing.

I think I'd look into the stair lift rather than a downstairs toilet. She would have to pay for it though. I think there are about 2k so not cheap.

@Hesma

I’d be in worried that if you installed one she would then want to move in and have you look after her and it sounds like you gave enough on your plate right now. Big hugs to you OP x

Why do people keep saying that?

If she has that much trouble with stairs she’s not going to want to move in. Where would she sleep? In the new loo? On the sofa?

@RickiTarr I agree, OP’s DM is frail, upset and has depression. This presents as angry. Of course she’s being unreasonable if she is demanding expensive renovations at OP’s expense. Perhaps she’s heard the family talking about doing the house up and can’t understand why this hasn’t been prioritised.

For those suggesting a stairlift well, have you actually seen what they are like, how much space they occupy and how much they cost? FIL paid £8k about 5-6 years ago.

@lifestyleguru I suggest a quiet conversation and ask her what she would like to happen and then you can address her thoughts as you see fit. Which may or may not involve the builders. If she is so frail it’s possible she won’t be up to house visits for long.

Very best wishes with your treatment and your negotiation over this.

My mother, who lived 15 minutes away, was dying of mesothelioma but she wanted to carry on as normal for as long as she could. We bought a portaloo from a camping shop and put it in a cloakroom as she was unable to use stairs. She said it made her feel she could still come and get out of the house to visit us. Sadly it was only used for a few months but to me it was money well spent.