to force a haircut on my daughter?

[pictish]

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

You need to set out clearly a reasonable standard of cleanliness you expect - I would suggest washing hair once a week and brushing daily. If she doesn't stick to that withdraw privileges, phone/tv/money whatever works for her. If she sticks to it reward her maturity and responsibility with a new privilege.

I wonder if this is attention seeking behaviour? It seems likely as it has come to a head after you started a ft job and dad is too busy in the mornings to pay attention to her. 12 years olds aren't any different to toddlers emotionally. Even negative attention for being scruffy and unclean is better than no attention from busy parents. Hopefully some positive attention from you and her dad (including plaiting her hair at night?) will help her.

I agree with washing and plaiting before bed, maybe invest in some dry shampoo for a lower maintenance, in between fix? French braids can last for days if they're done tight enough.

If her dh is at work from 8 can't he help with her hair before 8?

I might put a positive spin on cutting her hair to an easier style, but forcing her would be a betrayal of trust.

My DD could never be bothered with the hairdressers, hers is long and now we go to a young funky hairdressers and they advise what's needs to be cut off ( she always lets them) and we have it straightened and blown dry. It's looks amazing, she had control and she loves the look.

Go through some pictures of glossy hair find out what she likes and if she has an a inch off it will look better.

I think this will be a positive experience for both of you.

I have a dd with waist plus length hair. It's currently closer to knee length, because she was about to get 2' taken off for donation but then the hairdressers closed.

You don't need to wash it daily. She washes it 2x a week generally. Then brushes it out and plaits it into 2 plaits. When she was younger, including year 7-8 I'd often help especially with the parting and sometimes when it was really tangled.
Then every evening rebrush and plait. Then in the morning it only needs a little work to be nice.

@Hairobsessed123

Invest in some dry shampoo and washing it no more than 3 x a week ! Don’t make her cut it off it’s like another poster said it’s her hair and it’s not harming anyone more of an embarrassment for u , I’m a hairstylist and I’ve heard many clients over the years telling me when their mothers made them cut their long hair it’s such a shame that these woman don’t forget the horror of it . Give her a year or so and you won’t get her to leave it alone she will soon be preening it x

My mum would make me get my hair cut, it was one of her punishments if I'd been naughty. And it is something I will always remember and associate with her. I still find going to the hairdresser's traumatic. Don't risk ruining your relationship by forcing her to do something with her body that she doesn't want to do.

I think this is classic teenager rebelling against parents. I would guess that she knows that appearance is important to you and I imagine you have nice hair and makeup. Her refusal to wash her hair is probably her rejection of you in the way that teenagers do. She’s found what button to push. But you really can’t force her to have it cut, that’s not even going to be possible is it. If you are making lots of critical comments about her hair make sure you are countering this with more self esteem building comments. It isn’t easy being 12.

Update!
After a good chat with dd whereby I assured her I wasn’t going to cut her hair off, she has agreed to have layers cut in...and readily too! We looked at some photos of long layered cuts and to my astonishment she gave it the thumbs up. This will make it so much lighter and easier to maintain.
I can’t believe we have finally reached a compromise. She’ll look decent but keep the all-important length.
I could use some advice from a good hairdresser regarding upkeep of very long, very greasy hair. I’ll make her an appointment as soon as I can.
Delighted!

It doesn't need washing every day no matter how greasy it is. It doesn't mean it is dirty. Maybe it doesn't look lovely but it is not dirty. Have you tried helping her wash her hair? My DD has similar hair and she doesn't wash the shampoo out well on her own which makes it more greasy.

I think a drastic hair cut is going to lead to resentment.
However I think basic hygiene and grooming are essential; it’s good that she’s doing everything else and maybe the hair is just overwhelming/too much effort.
I actually think it’s still a parents job at this stage to not allow bad hygiene (my Mum did and I’m now mortified at how smelly I might have been and greasy my hair was, it had a huge effect on friendships). I also see it as teaching self-care and self-love.
I think just view her not brushing her hair as you would like any time she doesn’t do a chore (loss of internet etc).

Trim it a little as a first trusting step.
Then take it from there .

Pics of hairstyles for her to choose might help her have it cut to a more manageable length

I feel your pain OP. My dd has bum length hair, it's a big job looking after it. It's very tangly too.

I had this with my dd. Very long, thick, coarse difficult hair. It was a lot of work. The compromise we had though was if she wanted to keep the length, she had to have it layered and shaped. This made it miles easier to manage, and even on minimal days, the cut was doing all the work and it still looked tidy. This is the picture we used for reference, adapted for dds bum length hair.

Dry shampoo would be a good start

@seadreams

I wouldn’t do it. She would never forget it and it could easily ruin your relationship. You should be teaching her that she has ownership of her own body and nobody (including you) has a right to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Talking about personal hygiene with her is a far better option.

Also washing your hair everyday is totally unnecessary and is basically training it to be greasy. Every other day is more than enough!

Stop with this nonsense! Some of us have very oily scalps and its NOTHING to do with washing it daily. I'm 48, I've tried everything. I have to wash it every day.

Yes dd’s hair is snaggly too...a nightmare to brush. The hair has been a source of contention between us for years...but more so since I’m not available to pitch in and do it for her on the daily. It’s horrible to brush and worse to have brushed.

@applestrudels funnily enough she did similar. She stopped washing it some time before the end of the school term and when she came back, it absolutely shone. I remember asking her what she was using on it, but she said the natural cleansing process had just kicked in before we returned to school. I don't know if she actually ever wet hers at all. I do recall very clearly that it absolutely stank before we broke up for the end of term (I'm blessed with an unfortunately sensitive sense of smell) but had no discernible smell on her return.

I do also remember seeing a program where people only washed the scalp area and not any of the length of the hair, that seemed to have a similar effect.

For it to need washing every day, is it being washed properly? Getting all the shampoo/conditioner out properly? Just from experience, my hair holds on to product and looks very greasy. I've washed it every other day for years. Day 2 was always on the greasy side.

Recently if changed shampoo to aussie shampoo, use a smaller amount of product, and now try to leave it 5-7 days. It's made a huge difference. Im actually really shocked that I can leave it that long.
My hair most of the way down my back.

Yabvu. Two reasons. 1 hair that long should not be washed every day. There is no way it’s getting greasy at the ends. The easiest option is to spend two minutes plaiting it before bed so it doesn’t get tangled over night. Also not sure what you mean by styling? If you’re using products etc on it, you will make it worse. Long hair needs gentle care, minimal washing and very little blow drying. It is actually easier to maintain than shorter hair. And at 12, you should be grateful your dd is not preoccupied with her looks and help her.
2 I was that girl 40+ years ago! Taken to hair dressers for a ‚trim before starting secondary school‘. Came out with a short back and sides. Am I comfortable around hairdressers now? Nope. Do I have trust issues? You bet.

”OP - no one needs to wash their hair everyday, can you get her to agree to twice a week?”

I have very greasy hair, @crayolacom - if I don’t wash it daily, it is flat, greasy, dull and feels unpleasant - and as I have very fine hair, it looks awful.

When I was a teenager, I was only allowed to bath and wash my hair twice a week, and less frequent washing didn’t improve the greasiness of my hair - so I am 100% sure that the greasiness is not exacerbated by daily washing.

I'm glad your daughter had consented to layers.

I just wanted to pop on say make sure she is thoroughly rinsing all product out of her hair. We are having issues with our 11 yo happily washing her shoulder length hair every other day but it looks greasy and lanky as soon as it dries. Hairdresser friend says she isn't rinsing properly. Maybe something for you to consider.

Can I ask that posters read at least my posts before putting their lot in?There aren’t too many and they detail the fact that I used to pleat it for her every night and she won’t allow me to do it any more. I have tried not washing it often, only conditioning the length. I have taken time to teach her simple styles such as a ponytail or pleats and I have watched her practice. I have tried different shampoos, conditioner, no conditioner, a hairbrush like this, a hairbrush like that. I have been dealing with the bloody hair for years every which way there is, I can assure you.

The only thing I have not done is get her up at 6am to do her hair before I leave for work..and you know what? I’m not going to. She is 12 and she needs to do it herself.

“There is a way around this you just sound like you can’t be bothered to really help her and you want the long hair gone. I really don’t see how hair that long can get so greasy in a day...”

Someone posted this to me on the first page and I forgot to comment.

I’ve been bothered to help her with this hair for years. That’s how I have got to this point now...sick to bloody death of it. I don’t know how her hair gets that greasy in a day...but it does, ok? Since she hit puberty a year ago. You’ll just have to take my word for it. Wash it at night and it’s slick by the afternoon the next day...slick. That happens whether she washes it a lot or a little. Fuck knows.

Hairdressers open April 12th I believe. Tell her she proves she can look after her hair or your having it chopped off. If she doesn't look after it and you struggle to get her to a hair dresser my mum once told me how she woke up to find her sister cut off all her long hair during the night as a child.

Glad to hear she's agreed to go! Will she not let you dutch braid after a wash?