Damage to car - worried about husbands reaction

[DameEdnasNeighbourhoodWatch]

This morning on school run, a car coming the opposite direction from me was over on my side of the road coming towards me, as there was a parked car on their side. I had right of way. On reflection, I should have/ could have stopped. There is room to pass but it's very tight - I misjudged it and scraped the passenger side alloys on the kerb.

The car is my car, and I have arranged to get the alloys refurbished next week, paid for by myself. However I am worried about my husbands reaction. He has form for being very critical about my driving. To put it into perspective, I have ten years no
claims discount, but I have had the odd alloy scuff when parallel parking. Our previous car had diamond cut alloys which my husband told me could not be repaired due to the nature of the diamond cutting - at the alloy repair shop they had signs and prices for diamond cut alloys to be refurbished so I now know this isn't true!!

So mumsnet - not sure what to do. Should I - just tell him, apologise, accept my telling off?

Or should I not tell him and hope he doesn't notice ? (Not sure I can get away with that one as the car will be away for 48 hours getting the wheels fixed next week).

Or should I tell him, and give him my opinion that alloys are a serviceable item and that scuffs over the years are part and parcel of car ownership?

Am I a terrible driver or do you agree that these things are annoying but not the end of the world?

This is semi light hearted. I work full time, and have had one accident that was my fault in my driving life (nearly 20 years) nobody was hurt, basically I damaged the bumper in a car park as there was low concrete dividers in between the lanes of car parking spaces that I misjudged as the bumper was a lot lower than I thought and the concrete was the same colour as the car park ground!

Would love to hear your opinions !

@MyLittleOrangutan

Depends if you have joint finances I suppose. I would be worried about telling my husband because I'd be ashamed. And I'd be mad if he did something so stupid too. For us it would be money out of the family pot for someone's recklessness.

Yeah your driving was poor. Seems like it's not a one off either. I would be annoyed if DH kept costing us money by damaging his car.

Blimey. How do you react when something important happens?!

Scuffed alloys can just be left as they are - they don't impact on performance or safety of the car at all.

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying

You shouldn't ever have to worry about your DHs reaction to something like this. Are you aware that it's not right?

100%with you on this!

It was an accident. These things happen. That's why we have insurance. Why would you get a "telling off"?

Who the hell does he think he is? You're his wife not a child. If he starts having a go at you tell him to do one.

I think you have deeper problems than the damage to your car. This is not how most marriages are.

I made shite of the side of MY car a few years ago. I organised for it to be fixed and paid for it. Dh didn't have a right to say anything to me even though he was a bit shocked. My response to his shock - "nobody died". If your Dh dares berate you for a minor scrape on your alloys then I wouldn't hesitate to tell him to fuck right off with his condescending attitude.

Maybe if he "tells you off" then he'd better do all the drop offs?

NC
Op my husband is like that too.
I’m driving occasionally his car and it’s a hell.
I’m so scared of driving but I have to drive it twice per week.
He always checks the car wheels with magnetising glass to see if I did something.
Last months a rock flew of the road an chipped the paint on the door, like 0.0001 millimetre big.
I had to tell him as I knew he would notice it as he washes his car every few days thoroughly so he noticed everything.
He went mad.
The mark was literally invisible but I felt the rock ping off drivers door so I checked it immediately when I stopped and found it.
A year ago I curbed the alloy as avoiding a big car on a very
tight narrow road.
It was either smash the right half of the car off or go near the curb.
I chose the latter and slightly clipped the alloy.
It was a disaster.
He was so angry. So I fully understand you OP even you mean this post lighthearted.
But I also understand his point of view.
The car it’s his pride and joy.
He is extremely careful with all his stuff- all his stuff looks like brand new, even it’s old.
I would be like that that too if in his shoes.
Years ago he damaged my brand new laptop by opening a hackers email on it- it completely wiped my laptop off- deleted hundreds of all my pics and about 4K of songs.
I was not happy at that time too. I was literally devastated as everything I cherished was stored on that laptop.

I am a shit driver and have scraped the kerb numerous times. My DP wont spend big money on cars as we share them due to this but other than that he wouldn't be too critical and all our money is shared so we would be paying for any repairs from a joint budgeted. Hopefully your husband's criticism is a one off around cars if you feel like this on other aspects of your life I would be worried.

Prangs are normal - try to avoid them, sure, but if he is going to go ballistic about every scuff and dent, then he needs a new attitude and you need a much cheaper car. One that, when you see a scratch, you'll just shrug it off.

@dannydyerismydad

My husband burst a tyre clipping the kerb!

I ribbed him a bit for being a shit driver. Got a new tyre. We spoke no more about it.

I once burst two tyres by clipping a grate hidden in a grass verge. Now that was fun to sort out.

Unless the scuffs are somehow stopping the wheels and tyres being safe or functional, I wouldn't bother paying for them to be repaired, because sod's law dicates that the same thing will happen again within months, even if you've never clipped anything in decades of driving.

I tend to leave all the inconsequential bumps and scraps until just before the car is being sold or returned and then I'll decide if it's worth repairing any. But it's usually not.

Even when I had a car on PCP that I returned and was, by my own admission, quite tatty, they only charged £60 in damage fees, despite me reversing it into a wall, being clipped by a bus, and all the normal side panel dings that appear if you use public car parks. Just about all of it was fair wear and tear according to the man who assessed the car. I could have hugged him because I was expecting a bill of ££££s.

Just tell him. You have 10 years no claims which is better than my wife who lost hers a few years ago when in a 50/50 by the insurance's reasoning but she's still sure it was the other persons fault. Stuff happens.

Practically speaking, if you know you this, why not pick a car without diamond cut alloys? Or get tyres with kerb protectors - they stick out more than the alloy to help a little (I've still managed to scuff with a bigger bump!)

He's not wrong but not completely right about refurbs - you can get them refurbed, but if they're laquered they can be prone to having issues down the line.

This is your car.
It is paid for with your money.
You have already arranged new alloys and will be paying for them with your money.
You accept that scuffs are a fact of life.
Worse things happen at sea.
None of this affects your husband in any way.
It needs no further discussion.

Ooh, no further discussion between you and DH, I mean!

This is what should happen:

1. DH, I’ve scraped the car. It’s going in next week to be fixed
2. Aw, bad luck. Are you ok ? Anybody hurt ?
3. All is fine, thanks
4. Let me know if you need me to help you drop it off

< gets on with day >

Op, you say this is “semi lighthearted”. I don’t believe you. It’s not ok for you to be so nervous of your husbands reaction to a minor scrape (“premium” car or not) that you have to look for support from strangers. Are you sure everything is alright in your world ?

Would love to hear your opinions

I think your DH is an arse, and yours too, Catsaremybesties

It is not normal to be scared to tell your DH such things. Apologise? Them telling you off? You're supposed to be equal partners, do you also tell your husbands off for accidents and are they worried about what your reaction will be?

I’m finding the ‘amusing’ anecdotes about “kids telling daddy that mummy crashed the car again and everyone laughing together and daddy resignedly opening wine”, a little depressing. They do nothing but conform to a shit sexist stereotype that women can’t drive/park etc. Which is bollocks.

My ex-husband was like this, it's one of the reasons why he's an ex!

Well I got home and told him ..... he went out and looked and said I'll see if I can get them fixed cheaper than the quote you got... and that was it!!

Lessons have been learned about his previous over reaction I think , which I am glad about but I am still annoyed with myself.

If it’s your car you have no obligation to tell him so long as you’re paying for the repairs! You are an adult, not a child - surely he lets you own your mistakes?

I’m similar in that I’ve had a couple of low impact parking scrapes, but I’m a very safe driver with over ten years NC. I just have little spatial awareness! If my partner gave me grief for this I’d quickly bring up the time he shot backwards into a pole at speed wrecking the back of his car. These things happen.

@catsaremybesties

That's awful. Um, no, it is not okay that he treats you badly and makes you nervous over a feckin' car. YOU are his most precious thing, not some material object. And you scraping the tyres is not comparable to him wiping out all the data on your laptop!!

I hope you are okay.

I think you have a husband problem. For comparison, I did £2500 of damage to my husbands brand new BMW 2yrs ago the day after he got it by hitting a pothole. The car had to be towed. His response when I phoned him? "Did you have the kids with you? Are you okay? Don't worry about the car". I'm 99% sure my reaction would be the same if he did something in my car. I doubt you set out with the intention to damage your own car today!

Sorry just seen your update. I'm glad he handled it better than you expected.

However I'd still question if there's an underlying power imbalance in your relationship for you to have been so concerned about his potential reaction. It doesn't strike me as healthy.

My alloys are in a mess. I'll sort them when we need to sell if we need to. When I sold the last car I was told not to bother as it would cost more than add to the value.
If I got them fixed I would only do something next week.
Do you need to fix them is my point?

Do the wheels actually need fixing though?

It’s your car so your choice. My car’s ancient and full of scuffs. I don’t care because having a shiny car is unimportant to me.