Damage to car - worried about husbands reaction

[DameEdnasNeighbourhoodWatch]

This morning on school run, a car coming the opposite direction from me was over on my side of the road coming towards me, as there was a parked car on their side. I had right of way. On reflection, I should have/ could have stopped. There is room to pass but it's very tight - I misjudged it and scraped the passenger side alloys on the kerb.

The car is my car, and I have arranged to get the alloys refurbished next week, paid for by myself. However I am worried about my husbands reaction. He has form for being very critical about my driving. To put it into perspective, I have ten years no
claims discount, but I have had the odd alloy scuff when parallel parking. Our previous car had diamond cut alloys which my husband told me could not be repaired due to the nature of the diamond cutting - at the alloy repair shop they had signs and prices for diamond cut alloys to be refurbished so I now know this isn't true!!

So mumsnet - not sure what to do. Should I - just tell him, apologise, accept my telling off?

Or should I not tell him and hope he doesn't notice ? (Not sure I can get away with that one as the car will be away for 48 hours getting the wheels fixed next week).

Or should I tell him, and give him my opinion that alloys are a serviceable item and that scuffs over the years are part and parcel of car ownership?

Am I a terrible driver or do you agree that these things are annoying but not the end of the world?

This is semi light hearted. I work full time, and have had one accident that was my fault in my driving life (nearly 20 years) nobody was hurt, basically I damaged the bumper in a car park as there was low concrete dividers in between the lanes of car parking spaces that I misjudged as the bumper was a lot lower than I thought and the concrete was the same colour as the car park ground!

Would love to hear your opinions !

If I told my wife every time I scuffed the alloys on my car, she'd have got bored of the topic long ago.
I hate alloys - my car came with 18in ones that seem to just invite scuffs whenever I get within sight of the lowers kerb. And so I see no point in every getting them refurbished because it will inevitably happen again in a couple of month's time. If I was going to sell the car while it is still worth something I might consider getting them all done on the way to the sale, but not before.
(for context, I am not a truly awful driver - max no claims discount, never had an at fault accident)
But I agree with PPs - there is something wrong in your relationship if you expect a telling off for accidentally damaging your own car (and in the most trivial way)

Yikes! Aren't cars meant for scraping, that's why bumpers are called bumpers? You should see the state of mine! My driving is actually fine, but due to narrow roads here you often have to go 'off piste'. I also drive onto stony beaches on occasion. My DH's car is in even worse nick, but he's an even more careful driver than me. He just uses it for tougher stuff.

Wouldn't bother mentioning or repairing some scratched alloys. If he mentions it, tell him it's your car and he can butt out. You said this is semi light-hearted, so assume he is not really bullying you or anything. Maybe beautifully immaculate cars are just his thing? Is he as immaculate when it comes to cleaning the house? Maybe find a handy comparison along those lines...

Why would you apologise and why does he think he can tell you off? Would you tell him off and make him apologise if he had an accident? Sounds like you are in a very worrying relationship

I feel I have painted him badly, and his reaction over car damage doesn't come up often but when it did when I damaged the bumbler, it was extreme and I was be upset!! I don't mean to drip feed, but it is premium
Vehicles we have and altho they are "mine"
They are "the family" cars too - he had a van which is his day to day vehicle.

My phone won't sh me what I am typing so apologies r errors!

Nothing lighthearted about being scared to tell your husband about a minor scratch.

Exactly. Especially when it's YOUR car.

Something else is going on here, right?

@DameEdnasNeighbourhoodWatch

I feel I have painted him badly, and his reaction over car damage doesn't come up often but when it did when I damaged the bumbler, it was extreme and I was be upset!! I don't mean to drip feed, but it is premium Vehicles we have and altho they are "mine" They are "the family" cars too - he had a van which is his day to day vehicle.

My phone won't sh me what I am typing so apologies r errors!

You haven't painted him badly. You've factually recounted his behaviour and the fact it upsets you.

His behaviour is the problem here

My husband drove his (my!!!) car between a bus and a bollard, thinking there was space. There wasn't. Him and the kids were fine, the car got squashed a bit in the middle. Yes I told him he was a muppet (and to give him his due, he agreed... the evidence was right in front of us....). The car ended up getting written off due to the damage. Yes, I was a bit miffed, to use a technical term, and did swear a bit, as we really didn't need to be spending the money on another car at this point in time, but I didn't shout at him.

If the situations were reversed, he would react in the same way. There might be a bit of muttering about getting your eyes checked, but it wouldn't be meant seriously and neither of us would actually worry about telling the other about the damage.

I reckon I have blown things up in my mind based on his reaction five years ago with the bumper. We had other stresses going on at that point, and have laughed about it since.

His issue will be that it was "avoidable", like the bumper damage had I not misjudged it. My view was, and still is, is that bumps and scrapes are part of driving and if he is going to be soooooo precious about the car that I drive daily, we need to down grade!!

It's got nothing to do with him, you had a slight scuff of a wheel on a kerb, even the most confident driver will do this from time to time.

If he tries to tell you off or critiques your driving, tell him to stop being such a arsehole

I shall update you all how I get on later today!

Most things are avoidable, shit happens though. You are not a child to be scolded, you are a grown adult who can make decisions for herself

I would probably just be honest. Scuffed the alloys and booked it in for repair next week. Try not to overplay how he may react. For context, on Monday I blew my tyre hitting the curb, and on Tuesday punctured my tyre going through a pot hole. My OH just rolled his eyes at me but no more was said. It was way more annoying for me than him!

@MyLittleOrangutan

Depends if you have joint finances I suppose. I would be worried about telling my husband because I'd be ashamed. And I'd be mad if he did something so stupid too. For us it would be money out of the family pot for someone's recklessness.

Yeah your driving was poor. Seems like it's not a one off either. I would be annoyed if DH kept costing us money by damaging his car.

Seriously....mad, stupid and reckless??

She had right of way, misjudged it, scuffed the alloys and is sorting the problem. It's a minor thing, a complete non issue.

This is nothing to be mad about. She wasn't stupid or reckless.

Your reaction sounds very extreme

Also my alloys are scuffed to shit hahaha but I don't bother getting them repaired. I use them as a buffer 🙈🙈😂😂.

If he starts simply say

'Look, I know it was a daft thing to do, but these things happen, I'm owning it and have arranged to get it repaired, stop treating me like a child, I'm a grown adult. I kerbed the car, I haven't been out on a killing spree and murdered a bunch of puppies'

I agree that you shouldn't be so worried about his reaction; but also your point about his gaslighting you about the alloys (unless he truly believed they cannot be repaired...) it sounds like he was trying to make sure you were extra careful by lying to you. Are there other things he does like this, can you think of any? You might not have been realising it...

I also do understand the difference; my ex would have been just like this. My partner now reacted like others on here: we own an ancient landrover, he does all the work on it. The other day I drove home with the handbrake on - realised at home because it was smoking! He was clearly not happy about it and it cost us money that we don't really have; but he never once 'told me off' and we had a laugh about it (several...). I have also put petrol in it instead of diesel. We worked out how to make sure I don't do it again and he gently reminds me occasionally. That's it.

I suggest having a proper chat about it all with him, including talking to him about your worries - he might be genuinely unaware of the impact he is having on you; but if he really is difficult about it you might need to look at your marriage as a whole.

It doesn't matter if you're driving a premium car or a beaten up old mini metro. Is he an all show, keeping up the the Jones's type?

The whole point of being an adult and earning your own keep, is that you don't have to answer to anyone.

What is the point of a life lived in fear of your husbands reaction? What does he add to you life, to make up for this ?

I think most husbands would be ok, as per the VW advert

@DameEdnasNeighbourhoodWatch

I shall update you all how I get on later today!

There should be nothing to update, something unfortunate and upsetting happened to you surely the only appropriate response from your partner is sympathy and support? You speak as if you are having to account for yourself to a vindictive headmaster

We don’t have a large gate and bought a 7seater suv recently. I told dh I expected an absolute free pass for the first few scratches from going through the gate. All he is allowed to say is there there, would you like a cup of tea or something stronger?

I wouldn’t expect to be “told-off” by my husband about anything. And certainly not such non-issues as these, and that includes the bumper incident.
Premium vehicle or not.
Plus it’s your bloody car.
He’s your husband not your Dad.

Expecting a telling off for minor damage to something YOU own is not a normal husband and wife dynamic.

My husband stood at an upstairs window and watched me scrape the shared car along the wall in our drive. He just thought it was very funny to see if I fessed up or not. You shouldn’t be scared to tell him!