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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child in DD’s class.

112 replies

Roob23 · 11/03/2021 07:34

Dd is nearly 6 and in year 1. There is a boy in her class with additional needs. Now before anyone jumps down my throat about writing this. My eldest child is autistic and has 1:1 at school so as a parent I full understand how hard this is. I’m not judging or blaming the boy or his parents maybe more the school for not supervising him.

Dd is a sensitive girl with some issues. She is speech delayed and young for her age she but despite this she generally loves school. But every day she comes home saying the said boy is hitting her, pinching her, kicking, snatching things off her etc. She gets very upset about this. She says she tells the teacher but they don’t seem to do anything about it.

As a parent of a child with additional needs I understand that this isn’t the boys fault BUT I feel like there should be more supervision.

I’ve always had concerns of the lack of staff in DD’s class. There’s at least 4 or 5 of them needing more support and supervision but often only one TA with the teacher. At lunch times they don’t seem to be fully supervised at all.

Aibu to bring this up with the school? I feel like a complete asshole as my own DS would be a bit of a handful in year 1 too (but never hit or kicked anyone as far as I’m aware). Dd is telling the teacher so maybe I should just leave it? But then the school don’t see the upset when she gets home about it.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 11/03/2021 07:35

Unfortunately the school probably don’t have the funds for an additional member of staff in the classroom

EllieRosesMammy · 11/03/2021 07:35

I'd definitely bring it up. Just because he has additional needs doesnt mean your daughter should suffer. The teachers should be doing something about it!

BlackeyedSusan · 11/03/2021 07:35

Bring it up. They are not meeting either child's needs.

Sbk28 · 11/03/2021 07:39

Raise it. Find out what supervision there is.

At 6, a child saying "he hit me" isn't uncommon, but you've spotted a pattern and know your child is being impacted. The conversation might benefit the other child - sometimes parental concerns help to get things such as 1.1 support in motion.

Babana123 · 11/03/2021 07:40

If there is one TA and one teacher but at least 5 children who need support it might be difficult to give the boy more supervision.

Maybe ask if your dd can be moved away from him in the classroom.

It is a really sad situation. Both your dd and the boy in the class are being negatively affected by a severely underfunded education system.

Dustyhedge · 11/03/2021 07:45

I don’t understand why you’re questioning whether to contact the school? I wouldn’t hesitate. Your daughter shouldnt be scared and upset and just told to crack on with it. Hitting, pinching and kicking are well beyond what she should have to put up with abs as others have said both children are being failed.

winniesanderson · 11/03/2021 07:45

I would be tempted to bring it up. It sounds like you would be likely to do so calmly. I'd make it about your daughter and how she is feeling though. These things can help to form a picture of what's going on for particular children, which can be really useful in pursuing further support.

Pinkflipflop85 · 11/03/2021 07:46

It is awful that this is happening to your daughter and it is awful that this child doesn't appear to be supported properly.

This highlights the lack of funding for schools....particularly for SEND support. I have numerous children in my class with varying additional needs and no other adult support. It is exhausting and I feel like we are failing all of the children.

Raise your concerns with the school, but they may not be able to magic an extra adult out of nowhere.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 11/03/2021 07:46

Both my boys (6 and 5) have autism and require a lot of support. They do hit and attack other kids unfortunately but that is why they have 1:1 so they can be supervised. This is the school's fault and I think you definitely should raise it with them. I'd be absolutely mortified if I found out my child was allowed to repeatedly hurt another child in school.

KatherineOfGaunt · 11/03/2021 07:47

Speak to the teacher, see what they're aware of and what they are going to do.

Original poster
Roob23 · 11/03/2021 07:48

Thanks all. I am aware of funding being stretched in schools and I can sympathise. But at least 2 of them have ehcps. DS a couple years older is in the same school with a 1:1 TA and another Ta in his class with the teacher. I’m not sure why the year 1 class is so unsupported!

OP posts:
activitythree · 11/03/2021 07:48

But every day she comes home saying the said boy is hitting her, pinching her, kicking, snatching things off her etc.*

Aibu to bring this up with the school?

No, of course not. Why is this a question?

The rest of the information about the child doing this is irrelevant. Your child is being hurt at school and they have a duty to protect her and ensure her safety.

Original poster
Roob23 · 11/03/2021 07:51

I think the issue is more at play times and lunch times. I know it’s hard to watch over 20+ children (about 25 in her class I believe!)!

I’ve never been the type of parent who storms into the school etc. The school have always been fantastic for my oldest child and never many major issues but not been as plain sailing with DD 😩

OP posts:
Morph2lcfc · 11/03/2021 07:51

In your case I’d bring up with the school as it sounds like you will bring calmly and rationally, it might help the other child in the long run with getting more support as it may push school into supporting him properly. I know schools have limited funding but if he needs are that extreme they can apply for an ehcp or high needs funding, which again I know is difficult to get from personal experience but my experience of mainstream was they just kept things drift which does no one any favours

MisgenderedSwan · 11/03/2021 07:52

As she is telling the teacher I would start with a quiet word, 'dd is having some problems in class, I think she mentioned it to you? Could you keep an eye as she is getting quiet upset in the evenings about it'.

Then escalate if nothing is done. DD had a similar situation and her school were brilliant, turns out she wasn't actually telling the teacher just saying she didn't feel well so she could go out and get some air. When I mentioned it the teacher spotted it and put various systems in place to sort it (TA keeping a close eye, new rewards system for everyone but aimed specifically at keeping hands to self and extra supervision for child who was causing the issues).

activitythree · 11/03/2021 07:53

@Roob23

I think the issue is more at play times and lunch times. I know it’s hard to watch over 20+ children (about 25 in her class I believe!)!

I’ve never been the type of parent who storms into the school etc. The school have always been fantastic for my oldest child and never many major issues but not been as plain sailing with DD 😩

You don't have to 'storm' in. It's ok to raise the issue and let school work out how to deal with it.

Stormwhale · 11/03/2021 07:54

You need to focus solely on your own child. You need to put in writing what she is experiencing and the effect it is having on her. You then need to point out clearly that your daughter has a right to feel safe at school and right now that is not happening. Then ask what they are going to do to keep your daughter safe. Do not ask about the boy, his problems, his punishments etc etc as it isn't your business. Your child needs to be the focus.

MaMaD1990 · 11/03/2021 07:55

I'd bring it up with the school. Yes they obviously need more staff but aren't able to hire more but they should be looking at ways to tackle this without hiring more staff. It's good your DD is telling the teacher but as a parent, you do need to step in and say something if she's getting upset and this is a regular thing.

Liquorishtoffee · 11/03/2021 07:55

If this child isn’t getting the right support now - why do they think will happen in the future when he is bigger and stronger? He will just wake up one day and just not hit, punch, kick other children? The school isn’t doing its best for all of the children.

TeenMinusTests · 11/03/2021 08:00

it could be positively helpful to the school / others to bring this up.
If the school can build a strong enough body of evidence that a child/children need more support, they are more likely to get additional funding.
Needs to be a 'she doesn't feel safe, how can you keep her safe' approach.

Porcupineintherough · 11/03/2021 08:08

Talk to her teacher. Its possible that she has been telling the lunchtime supervisors about the problem and her teacher doesnt know. It's also possible that if she's been telling different playground staff on different days the scale of the impact on her has not been realised.

GoodMumBadMum · 11/03/2021 08:12

Yes, yes, yes, raise it with the school and make suggestions of what you would like to see to stop this happening again eg. "I'd like my DD to sit with her friend X from now on/ I'd like my child to sit away from hitting child/ I'd like more supervision at lunchtime/ I'd like more support in her classroom etc." They can say why your requests are or are not possible. Follow up with an email summarising your conversation and if it happens again you will at least have your meeting/email to refer back to. You can then ask what safeguarding measures they intend to put in place for your DC to protect her from being hit/kicked on a daily basis.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/03/2021 08:16

Regarding the funding and schools being underfunded.
I'm a swimming teacher, and teach about 20 different classes of 30 per week (usually), new class each year. So, I see loads of different children.
On average, per class of 30, there's about 5 kids who could each do with 121 support.
At a population level, can we realistically expect government to fund 7 adults per class?

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 11/03/2021 08:16

Absolutely bring it up with the school. I have been the parent of the boy in this situation and I was never upset at a parent bringing up that their child was being hurt by mine. The school needs to be putting more support in place to minimise these incidents

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 11/03/2021 08:17

You can certainly bring up your concerns about DDs safety. You cannot ask for info about other DCs needs or support or tell them to put in extra staff that they don't have money to fund.

If your older child has a 1:1 you'll know that they can only have that because their EHCP specifies it and funds it. If these other children's plans don't or they don't have them then the school can't just soak up the cost of a whole extra TA.