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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect working mums to sort out their childcare

290 replies

nametaken · 06/11/2007 18:56

Is it just me or do any other SAHMs get really annoyed when they get the 3 o clock phone call saying "oh can you pick XXXX up from school her nan/CM/school club can't because blah blah blah.

I mean, they choose to work - I'm a SAHM because I have 3DC and it would be a nightmare trying to organise childcare and I wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone.

I finally fell out with my friend today after one imposition too many. How nice of her to have me to pick up the slack week in week out and then when she finally feels guilty about all the unpaid childcare she asked me to do she swans off and treats her DD and my eldest DD to a cinema visit and meal!!!!!!! Something I would love to do but haven't got time to organise cause I'm too busy doing the drudge boring work.

Working mums - please don't think for a minute I've got anything against you - it's just a rant against the 3rd working mum in 3 weeks to need a favour from me.

I always used to do this because I thought "oh, well if I ever need something I can always ask them" BUT !!!!! I don't ever need anything.

Be honest, does anyone really think that SAHMs should be helping out working mums when their childcare falls through or am I just being evil.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 08/11/2007 21:36

A proper career? Something you love is probably at the heart of it - that makes you dash out of bed because it's wonderful. That is a good starting point. That's fun, intellectual challenging and ideally well paid as that helps a lot in general.

May be where your pay will be over £50k if you want a crude threshold and could be a lot more than that too.

JoFan · 08/11/2007 21:53

"whether all the mother will have proper careers or will be housewives"

NKF · 08/11/2007 21:57

If you don't want to do it then don't. There's nothing worse than a favour done with a bad grace.It makes the recipeient feel like shit and makes you cross. Personally, I take a good things come to those who do good things approach. And I quite like having a household of children after school. And the treat for your daughter sounds lovely.

casbie · 09/11/2007 09:10

xenia - honestly you really make me laugh

i work full time, and love it. it's hard being mother and employee, but you sound so bitter and defensive, really lovely, why do it to yourself if your not happy?

cheer up xenia!

pagwatch · 09/11/2007 09:26

I loved my job and i now love being at home but unless i get to be George Clooneys squeeze I am not leaping out of bed each morning for anyone.
My job is fun and intellectually challenging. i am a mother. It is frickin hard work as my middle son has profound special needs but I love what i do and it has more meaning for ME than my years in the city did.
Obviously the pay isn't quite as good.

This thread is the usual SAHM WOHM bigotry.
I would help out any friend whether she works or not and my friends help me, whether they work or not. One friend can rarely reciprocate with daytime childcare but she often takes DD for a sleepover which is heaven.
When are we ever going to start respecting each others choices.
And why am I so often left thinking that those most vociferously defending one side of the fence are being just a lttle too defensive.
If you are happy with your choices surely you rarely need to shout about them and should NEVER feel the need to tell others what to do

allgonebellyup · 09/11/2007 09:28

Xenia, is being a secondary school teacher a proper career?
Or not, because the pay is crap?

Habbibu · 09/11/2007 09:34

What about a university lecturer - I really should stop reading these type of posts. Xenia high pay as a motivating factor is fine if that's how you personally want to define success, but don't assume it does or should apply to everyone...

Elffriend · 09/11/2007 09:44

Am liking (because I am perverse) this spin-off on what constitutes a proper career.

What if you were earning £50K per annum but hated the blardy job and had long since ceased to dash out of bed for anything! Do we think that would still count as proper?

If you loved the job but were paid less than the threshold what happens then?

When I was younger I used to think a proper career involved suits and briefcases (for either sex). Probably high heels too (optional for the weaker sex ). And big hair (the 80's have left some terrible scars on my psyche). And not buggering about on mumsnet because far too busy.

amidaiwish · 09/11/2007 09:47

£50k isn't enough to have a "proper career" and be a mum... you need to earn more than that to pay a nanny.

how are you supposed to have a "proper career" without a nanny?

Elffriend · 09/11/2007 09:54

There could be a whole new thread...I am unreasonable to not have a proper career?

casbie · 09/11/2007 10:04

lol - shows up xenia's hang-ups more than ours...

bless her, she must really believe what she writes and shares with the whole on mumsnet - that mother's need to have a 'proper' career.

i think that she needs a russell-brand-sized cuddle!

smile xenia, money isn't everything

: )

amidaiwish · 09/11/2007 10:06

wow, i had donned hard hat for my last post... and nothing!

Anna8888 · 09/11/2007 10:12

LOL amidaiwish... maybe we've all heard one too many times to rise to the bait that the only proper way to run a life is the Xenia way

I know now I'm not really a proper person, but I've got over it and will make do with my miserly curriculum vitae

blueshoes · 09/11/2007 10:12

Money that a career brings in isn't everything but it is very significant in how it affects your life choices.

If you do not earn enough to cover childcare, that limits your options whether to work or not. If you don't earn enough to pay for a nanny, again that limits how much time and flexibility you can commit to your career.

I don't disagree with Xenia. When it comes to advising my dd on her career, I will definitely keep my eye on the bottomline. Once again, money isn't everything, but it makes life a damn lot easier. Plus Xenia is advocating that you should enjoy your job as well.

Xenia is very consistent in her stance - I don't think it speaks of insecurity about her choices. More that it has worked so well for her that she wants to shout it from the rooftops. I have made very much the same choice as her (in terms of a lesser, but still, high-ish paying job - not career, sadly) that pays my childcare many times over plus mortgage plus school fees and holidays.

I am not as selfless as Xenia in giving away trade secrets ...

Habbibu · 09/11/2007 10:13

Actually, you know, I don't disagree with any of this as an ideal wish list: "Something you love is probably at the heart of it - that makes you dash out of bed because it's wonderful. That is a good starting point. That's fun, intellectually challenging". the well paid thing is nice, but I think I'm pretty well paid - I have a house I love, a car that does the job just fine, get to abroad go on holiday once a year if I want, and like my life. Don't earn anything like Xenia's starting threshold, and that's the bit that makes me a bit sad about lots of Xenia's posts.

Pagwatch - point of pedantry - surely you'd be even less likely to jump out of bed if you were George Clooney's squeeze...

Habbibu · 09/11/2007 10:15

Also get to type like Yoda. "abroad go"?

amidaiwish · 09/11/2007 10:16

but honestly, i had a very good career (good a levels, durham degree etc..) working for a big American multinational, doing well etc.

got pg with DD1, went back pt - paid nursery fees fine, still worth it.

got pg with DD2, went back pt - all £ went in nursery fees.

dh travels with his job, i had to travel with mine, both commuting, it just didn't work, one of us had to give. He would have stopped working in a heartbeat by the way.

so i bought into a business, work for myself, from home. perfect. shame i don't earn much but hopefully one day.

the only people i know who have kept their "proper career" are on six figures in the city with a live in nanny. everyone else has gone freelance / part time in their field and working more for their sanity than the money.

Elffriend · 09/11/2007 10:20

Well I would still prefer to have an improper career. Sounds way more fun than the one I have!

I'm not knocking Xenia in any way and I agree completely that money makes a huge difference (not sure anyone would actually disagree there). I've just never really considered whether I am proper or not!

Elffriend · 09/11/2007 10:21

ooooh Imaidawish....which college at Durham?

pagwatch · 09/11/2007 10:23

habbibu
a good point well made .
perhaps out of mine into his. Or in his and then jumping...I just know that George would probably have to be involved somewhere

amidaiwish · 09/11/2007 10:24

Collingwood... the one right up the hill (i still remember those hills!)

Elffriend · 09/11/2007 10:26

. Trevs!

amidaiwish · 09/11/2007 10:32

thighs of steel... that's what we had.

thebecster · 09/11/2007 10:35

Mary's. Hellooooo, fellow hill-college peeps! I live in Hampstead now, I just can't leave those hills alone.

Elffriend · 09/11/2007 10:38

Absolutely!