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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect working mums to sort out their childcare

290 replies

nametaken · 06/11/2007 18:56

Is it just me or do any other SAHMs get really annoyed when they get the 3 o clock phone call saying "oh can you pick XXXX up from school her nan/CM/school club can't because blah blah blah.

I mean, they choose to work - I'm a SAHM because I have 3DC and it would be a nightmare trying to organise childcare and I wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone.

I finally fell out with my friend today after one imposition too many. How nice of her to have me to pick up the slack week in week out and then when she finally feels guilty about all the unpaid childcare she asked me to do she swans off and treats her DD and my eldest DD to a cinema visit and meal!!!!!!! Something I would love to do but haven't got time to organise cause I'm too busy doing the drudge boring work.

Working mums - please don't think for a minute I've got anything against you - it's just a rant against the 3rd working mum in 3 weeks to need a favour from me.

I always used to do this because I thought "oh, well if I ever need something I can always ask them" BUT !!!!! I don't ever need anything.

Be honest, does anyone really think that SAHMs should be helping out working mums when their childcare falls through or am I just being evil.

OP posts:
amidaiwish · 07/11/2007 16:15

nametaken - i think you've had quite a hard time on this thread despite apologising for the title.

if you feel it's all one way, then why don't you ask her to babysit for you one evening in return? she might be more than happy to help you out. if not, then next time just say you can't as you have plans straight from school. stay vague and don't give more details just a "sorry, must dash".
Or if you don't feel comfortable, get call minder and screen her calls!

But tbh i think you just don't like her. we all end up with friends who attach themselves to us because we're useful to them. time to shed those friends.

Oblomov · 07/11/2007 18:12

I agree with Wisteria. Nametaken has apologised, but then her future posts have only dug her deeper and deeper into the very hole that she is digging for herself.
I suggest:
i) she takes a good look at her life. Stop being jealous and resentful of others. And appreciates all the lovely things she has and how lucky she is.
ii)She grows a spine. Musters up a bit of strength of personality. Says no to people and stops people taking advantage of her and her nanny.
Problem solved.

milliec · 07/11/2007 19:03

Message withdrawn

webchick · 07/11/2007 19:04

Havent read all the replies.....if this is how you feel then just say to your friend(s) that you are unable to help next time they ask. Simple solution really.

Hulababy · 07/11/2007 19:17

I only work PT but on occasions I have had to do this kind of think. For example on Tuesday - I struggle to get to school for end of after school club, so Dh is generally on call just in case. This week he was on holiday. I got stuck in traffic and no way was I going to make it - infact it ended up taking me 2 hours to get home rather than 1. I phoned a friend, currently on mat leave, who was more than happy to collect DD from after school club along with her own DD.

Luckily I do have friends, SAHM and WOHM, who I can rely on for these kind of situations, and vice versa.

LittleBella · 07/11/2007 19:20

god milliec, that sounds like a nightmare.

What a silly cow to not tell you until 4PM. Jesus.

Wisteria · 07/11/2007 19:42

millieuc - I'd have helped you, glad you got it sorted..

I think I am incredibly lucky to be able to stay at home now and so very rarely get irritated with the requests. I also worked full time for years with children so know first hand how debilitating unreliable childcare is, especially if you have a fairly demanding role where others depend on you.

THe op's friend is being unreasonable if she does it again and again with no obvious reciprocation (the odd icecream for dd may not quite cut the mustard) but the OP's further posts have irritated me no end and I agree that she clearly doesn't like the other Mum, so it's simple, say NO!!

Judy1234 · 07/11/2007 20:01

Well I am very unhappoy about the sexist nature of the thread title. Why on earth are children a woman's issue? I know plenty of men with wives with good jobs who are as likely to be arranging the childcare as the woman. It's a silly sily woman who marries a sexist man and then she takes on the childcare issues. I thought those kind of women had died out!

Wisteria · 07/11/2007 20:04

ROFL at Xenia - have you been away?

You're absolutely right although sadly I think it is ver often the case that it is left to the Mums and not in my world

milliec · 07/11/2007 20:07

Message withdrawn

hercules1 · 07/11/2007 20:08

Very true about the assumption it's down to the men to 'babysit' or the women to sort it out.

No problems in my house as dh is a sahp.

pointydog · 07/11/2007 20:11

lol @ xenia

what's ahppened? You're normally always so unruffled. From unruffled to 'very unhappy'

elastamum · 07/11/2007 20:22

Xenia, you must live in a different universe to me. I dont know any men, working wives or otherwise, who arrange childcare, i dream of just going to work and finding everything sorted at home on my return. Just got home from being on my feet running a course all day and about to start the ironing, deep joy

hercules1 · 07/11/2007 20:23

You see, I couldnt laugh at that. Why do it?

elastamum · 07/11/2007 20:25

I think the wohm and SAHM debate is a red herring. I swap lifts and pick ups with lots of mums, most of whom dont work, it is really about not taking advantage of your friends. @One might help me out if I am working, I might reciprocate if they are out shopping in town

hercules1 · 07/11/2007 20:26

Dh often gets called upon to help out parents. He always does it without complaint and sometimes it has gone on for some time. We always hope that they'll be there if we need favour returned.

LittleBella · 07/11/2007 20:29

I have a couple of friends who help me out a lot. I do worry that I impose upon them, but figure that a) they'll let me know if I do and b) when they have kids, I'll return the favour. Friendship is a long term thing, I think.

orangehead · 07/11/2007 20:36

really difficult one,yes its nice to help out your friends. Its hard work being a working mum espeacially when your usual childcare lets you down, and sometomes working mums dont have a choice. But feeling that your friends are taking advantage is not nice.
Me and my friend have a good arrangement, we both work part time but on different days so we help each other.

Judy1234 · 07/11/2007 20:55

Depends on the wife's earnings I suppose. It's a power issue. Something for your daughters to watch out for if they pick low paid work - they'll be saddled with dull childcare arrangements because they only earn pin money.

We help parents sometimes as they know I am often working at home plus have adult children here plus have a nanny often here too and we're right by the school. Not just stay at home mothers who help out. Actually it's wise if working parents have reciprocal arrangements with other working parents in case the nanny is ill. Also try to pick employers in the City (but this just goes with certain types of jobs) which have a bag up pool nanny for when your own one lets you down. Very wise perk for the employer to provide if you're going to lose £XXXX if that employee is off minding his or her child.

kerala · 07/11/2007 21:09

Most of the high earning/uber successful women I know have SAHDs to alleviate this problem, or husbands who have less demanding jobs who pick up any slack.

However there is still sexism in the workplace often aimed at fathers. A friend's DH had to leave early as the nanny was sick and he got lots of "isn't your wife dealing with this" comments. They both work in the city at a high level. So depressing.

GloriaInEleusis · 07/11/2007 22:10

My DH gets comments like that too. I refer to it as "Victorian bigotry".

pointydog · 07/11/2007 22:19

anyone remmbmer 'wake up, mutley, you're dreaming again'?

That's what I think of sometimes when I read xenia's posts

bozza · 07/11/2007 23:16

Actually I do most of the childcare arrangments. I have arranged that DH will take DS to his 4.30 ( but another story) swimming lesson tomorrow. So although I do the arrangments these often involve DH. He will also do the morning childcare drop off.

I will confess that I do my very best to oblige people who ask me for favours, and often offer my help, and partially so that I feel able to ask a return favour.

Judy1234 · 08/11/2007 09:04

Most parents both in full time jobs do share. There are plenty of fathers collecting and picking up from my twins' school every day. My father in the 1970s drove us to school every morning.

My ex husband had female colleagues who were allowed to get out of after school things and leave early and he who because he earned less was the first childcare person after the nanny in the family with me third (unless he had something very important on and I didn't) didn't get the same allowance as a male teacher with young children.

bozza · 08/11/2007 09:36

My Dad worked shifts when we were young so did one or other of the school runs every day.