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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect working mums to sort out their childcare

290 replies

nametaken · 06/11/2007 18:56

Is it just me or do any other SAHMs get really annoyed when they get the 3 o clock phone call saying "oh can you pick XXXX up from school her nan/CM/school club can't because blah blah blah.

I mean, they choose to work - I'm a SAHM because I have 3DC and it would be a nightmare trying to organise childcare and I wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone.

I finally fell out with my friend today after one imposition too many. How nice of her to have me to pick up the slack week in week out and then when she finally feels guilty about all the unpaid childcare she asked me to do she swans off and treats her DD and my eldest DD to a cinema visit and meal!!!!!!! Something I would love to do but haven't got time to organise cause I'm too busy doing the drudge boring work.

Working mums - please don't think for a minute I've got anything against you - it's just a rant against the 3rd working mum in 3 weeks to need a favour from me.

I always used to do this because I thought "oh, well if I ever need something I can always ask them" BUT !!!!! I don't ever need anything.

Be honest, does anyone really think that SAHMs should be helping out working mums when their childcare falls through or am I just being evil.

OP posts:
Elffriend · 08/11/2007 09:57

This seems to have become a bandwagon SAHM/WOHM thread. It really does still bother us all doesn't it?

I thought it had become clear quite clearly that the OP was just pissed off/jealous/being childish with/about one particular individual - and has some worrying anger issues that she really ought to sought out herself (rather than dig herself into the deep hole she did). She made some pretty inflammatory (and irritating) sweeping statements but should we really all be rising to the bait? Or is this allowing everyone's own particular guilts and worries to surface?

spokette · 08/11/2007 10:21

Xenia

If some of our daughters don't enter into lower paid careers, you would have to do your own housework and raise your children yourself because I bet you would not be keen to employ a man in those roles!

gingerninja · 08/11/2007 10:45

Any job that requires a pair of high heels all day is not easy let me tell you. I work 9-5 but have to leave home at 7.15 and don't get home 'til 6.30. It's friggin agony tottering about with your toes pinched into pointy shoes for that long.

hercules1 · 08/11/2007 11:08

WHy wouldnt she wish to hire men to do those jobs?

ARe you saying that if you work full time and have childcare then someone else is raising your kids? ARe you including the father in this too?

poptot · 08/11/2007 11:27

My best friend works part time and is always around to do the school run whereas I work fulltime and do TBH sometimes get really held up. I'm a nurse manager and sometimes I literally can't just drop everything and leave.I do ring and ask her to pick up from school and It's never an issue. I would never assume however and it is always an emergency not that I just can't be bothered to get to school. I would be devastated if she was feeling like you. I always do my best to return the favour within a very short space of time. I don't think you're being evil but I do wonder what sort of friendships you've got when you end up feeling so resentful.

casbie · 08/11/2007 11:31

i understand where OP is coming from...

my hubby is a house-husband and he is constantly ferrying more children then we have got, to and from school. to be honest, he's a generous soul and can't say 'no' to anyone in trouble. but, even now he is feeling a bit of a doormat as he's constantly being asked to pick so and so up, don't worry today etc

the thing is if these mother's take the piss, just say 'no'.

nobody is suggesting that you weren't being kind.

sometimes you just need to break free from those 'friends' who constantly demand things from you.

hth's

OrmIrian · 08/11/2007 11:40

I would never ask a SAHM to do that precisely because I'd be afraid of the kind of reaction you gave. There is only one other mum that I might very very rarely ask for help, and with her I would and do reciprocate. I wouldn't want to lose a friend although I'd hope a good friend wouldn't get as cross as you have.

You have no idea how bloody hard it is to split yourself in 2. Meeting overruns, for example, and fcks up all your carefully arranged childcare. For most WOHMs this is not unusual and results in them constantly letting people (work, not* school or kids) down. You get by on a wing and a prayer. How can a working mum 'sort out her childcare' in that sort of situation. And many mothers work, not by choice, but because they simply couldn't manage without. I don't 'choose' to work - beleive me I could very happily do without the stress - but without it we'd be homeless pdq.

And what's wrong with her taking them out for a treat? Why can't you do it sometimes? I don't understand that bit. I work but I also have all the normal household crap to deal with - if I wasn't in the office it would be easier to get it all out of the way during school hours.

You might not be meaning to have a go at working mums but your thread title seems a damn good way of doing so! Why not 'why can't my friend sort out her childcare'?

OrmIrian · 08/11/2007 11:43

Sorry if that sounded a bit peevish Having yet another in a series of sh*t days at work.

Elffriend · 08/11/2007 11:52

Om - sending you a hug. Your post strikes many chords!

Judy1234 · 08/11/2007 12:22

I don't care what sex of person cleans my house or minds my children or does the garden. I've had all sexes over the years and of course also spent a lot of time in 23 years as a mother doing those things myself too. You are still a parent even if you're a full time worker as a man or a woman.

It's certainly the case that we all outsource whether it's the food we eat to farmers or mending the car to the garage or someone scrubbing my toilets at home or at air ports and stations. It's just how most of us operate. I don't have a problem with that and as I spend a lot of time doing domestic things too I don't denigrate those roles but they aren't as interesting as many careers and if I had a choice then I'd prefer an interesting career whether in high heels or not, to 24/7 babycare. That's all. Some people love being with their under 5s all the time. Many don't have a choice or feel they have a choice over being a stay at home parent, male or female or full time worker.

On meeting over runs etc like everyone whether working or not working we all have to prioritise things every day - whether it's to spend time with a husband or a child or clean a cupboard or see your mother. That's how life is. You pick what you think has the greatest priority of that time.

I have never once asked a non working mother or father to help with my children because I wouldn't want to impose and informal arrangements don't always work very well but it's certainly been a struggle to organise who has which children when. I think it was hardest of all when I was 26 and had 3 children under 4 and was working full time and no cleaner and all those things you might be able to afford as you get older and also no power in the office because I was junior.

Swedes2Turnips1 · 08/11/2007 13:17

It is a shame there is so much schadenfreude between SAHMs and WOTH mums. I am a SAHM by choice and would very gladly help anyone out with their emergency childcare. Trouble is I don't really know any local WOTH mums as I have only lived in my town for just over two years and I only seem to meet local SAHMs.

casbie · 08/11/2007 13:44

Xenia - "I've had all sexes over the years.."

wow!

lucky you...

Anna8888 · 08/11/2007 14:26

I have deep prejudices about what I outsource to which sex. Male window cleaners are far faster and more dare-devil

Swedes2Turnips1 · 08/11/2007 14:38

Anna - caroline1852 here. I have name changed. How are you?

Anna8888 · 08/11/2007 14:40

Hi Caroline/Swedes - fine thank you, very rested after the half-term break. How was Greece? Did you feel gorgeous in your bikini?

Swedes2Turnips1 · 08/11/2007 14:48

Anna - bikini noooooo. One piece miraclesuit - yes. We had a lovely time, sailing and tennis mostly. Me and DP managed to get to the final of the mixed doubles tennis tournament... and DP and DS1 (15) got to the final of the men's doubles, DP got to the final of the men's singles - no wins in finals. How is your daughter getting on at school?

Anna8888 · 08/11/2007 17:31

She just loves school - she went back today after her very long half term and was delighted. Not that she'd had a bad half-term at all, as we went to my parents' and she had a wonderful time and loads of attention. In fact, her only crisis was coming back home to be with boring Mummy - she had a mini-tantrum when the taxi dropped us on Tuesday and she realised she wasn't going back to Granny's.

It's her birthday tomorrow and I've just packed up 14 party bags .

Swedes2Turnips1 · 08/11/2007 18:04

It was my DD's birthday yesterday - 2. We are going to celebrate with a big birthday tea on Sunday, hopeless having a midweek birthday in the winter. Glad your dd has settled well. I am going to Paris this weekend to meet up with a girlfriend (who now lives in Bordeaux)- any suggestions where to stay - eat - go etc.

olala · 08/11/2007 18:21

I've just read the OP and scanned. I have to say that I'm a full time working mum, and I am so lucky to have lots of friends to help me out. I have fully functioning chlidcare - a childminder, and a nursery, plus the older ones go to school, but inevitable sometimes it doesn't work out, and I need assistance. I am really lucky that most of my mum friends work, and so totally understand, and we manage to even things otu between all of us. we all just chip in and look after each others children as the need arises. For us, we usually help out by having their kids at the weekends, or for sleep overs, and the part time workers can be more ehelpful during the week and then want their weekends to themslelves. I really hope no one thinks I am taking the piss!
Anyway, I think to the OP - you should say no, rather than say yes and then moan about it. THough I do understand that that is what MN is for sometimes! And I also understand that you might be annoyed about one occassion, but not want to upset the asker... I suppose you could just lie? make up some excuse about why you are too busy rather than say you think she is taking advantage?

Judy1234 · 08/11/2007 19:05

May be that's why it's easiest if we mix with people like us so that if 100% of the parents in the class work we're all the same with similar issues whereas if most are housewives and you work you're different. Often depends where you live in London too as to whether all the mother will have proper careers or will be housewives.

(By way of clarification - I've never had any of the staff, male or female. I was never into that Lady Chatterley / Mellors thing. Never saw the appeal)

ScottishMummy · 08/11/2007 19:07

Please clarify Xenia what constitutes proper career - so i know whether to go beat myself with a broom if i do not have proper career

pagwatch · 08/11/2007 19:15

God yes. if I have to break it to my mother that, not only was I now at home but had actually wasted 18 years in an improper career she may well have to lie down a while.
What will the WI say ?

pagwatch · 08/11/2007 19:18

{grin} actually reading that back i am astonished that i ever had a cereer at all

chocolatedot · 08/11/2007 20:07

I don't care whether the mother asking for help with her kids work or not, as long as there is some level of reciprocity, I'm happy.

Anna8888 · 08/11/2007 20:17

Swedes2 - do you not have a hotel yet in Paris? I love the Hôtel de Verneuil in the 7th (I've recommended it on MN before).

You should have a mid-shop coffee/end of shop apéritif at the Café de Flore. And dinner - Chez René on boulevard Saint-Germain might be good for you. What are you after?