to expect working mums to sort out their childcare

[nametaken]

Is it just me or do any other SAHMs get really annoyed when they get the 3 o clock phone call saying "oh can you pick XXXX up from school her nan/CM/school club can't because blah blah blah.

I mean, they choose to work - I'm a SAHM because I have 3DC and it would be a nightmare trying to organise childcare and I wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone.

I finally fell out with my friend today after one imposition too many. How nice of her to have me to pick up the slack week in week out and then when she finally feels guilty about all the unpaid childcare she asked me to do she swans off and treats her DD and my eldest DD to a cinema visit and meal!!!!!!! Something I would love to do but haven't got time to organise cause I'm too busy doing the drudge boring work.

Working mums - please don't think for a minute I've got anything against you - it's just a rant against the 3rd working mum in 3 weeks to need a favour from me.

I always used to do this because I thought "oh, well if I ever need something I can always ask them" BUT !!!!! I don't ever need anything.

Be honest, does anyone really think that SAHMs should be helping out working mums when their childcare falls through or am I just being evil.

I think the thread title was a bit unfortunately worded. I am SAHM/ WAHM and constantly get asked for favours; which I don't mind BUT now and again it is nice to see some appreciation in a bottle of wine or bunch of flowers (depending on how often you help out of course).

Now I have friends who ask me a lot and I don't mind at all; I know it's appreciated. However, I have one friend who 'assumes' I can do it and I must admit that that does irritate me a bit, especially when I rush in to cook her children dinner from college and then find out that she's been shopping... although I would never refuse because I love her and can ask favours back (as you say though, I never seem to need any!).

I do think it's very important to show your appreciation to the mum now and again too though. I used to work and on the rare occasion I needed heklp then I wouldn't have dreamed of not taking a bottle of wine or flowers to say thank you.

Shouldn't we all be supporting eachother because we are all in the same boat. We are all just trying to bring up our children in the best way we can whether we stay at home or work, we shouldn't be slating eachother but offering support to those who get stuck from time to time.

I've never had the courage/nerve to ask another parent if they could pick up or drop off my children when my childcare arrangements have gone belly up. As a working parent I just don't know any of the other parents well enough to be comfortable doing so. If someone else asked me and I could help of course I would. If you feel peeved at other people asking you to help and assuming it's no problem, I guess you need to let them know.

I am a SAHM and sort of understand where the frustration is.

An acquaintance (who I have nothing in common with, dd doesn't get on that well with her dd, and we only ever see if there is a childcare issue) keeps ringing to get me to have her dd. I have always said no because I know if I say yes it will be never ending. Also I thought her dd was too young to be palmed off on a near complete stranger (she was 2.5 when I was first asked).

As a SAHM I take real pleasure in not being committed to others in this way. I don't really want the responsibility for a child I barely know. If a good friend needed help then thats a different matter, of course I would do whatever I could to help, but equally they would never 'expect' it and abuse our relationship. I have looked after friends children many times so I'm not against it, but I don't think YABU if you are being taken advantage of.

I think you are angry about one particular friend, and thus making gross generalisations about working mums.
Ds is only 3.9, so is not at school yet, but I have always worked part time. And I have NEVER asked anyone to care for him, due to childcare breakdowns.
I was taken into hospiatl for my diabetes going beserk, due to pregnancy , which then turned out to be a miscariage. I was in hospiatl for 5 days. So on the friday and the monday , which I normally don't work, dh asked my sil to have ds one day and a friend of ours who has a ds, with who we socialise once a week, had him the other day. This has been the only time I have ever asked.
And as for her way of returning the favcour, you sound bitter - she took them out for a treat and that grated you ?
Maybe you need to learn to say no ?
Or to have friends where the benefits are equal - if you never need to ask, then great for you. You need to find friends that wantt the same.
Don't attack working mums. Thats not fair.

I've only beena sked a few times and then only by another SAHM (eg if another of her children is sick and she doesn't want to drag her out), and I have no issues whatsoever with it! Quite happy to help, and I would gladly help more people if I were asked. I think thats what friends are for- and it comes with a duel thing that means if you feel ill or need a babysitter of an evening, then you are entitled to ask them.

And no one has EVER asked me to help. But I would be more than happy to look after anyones child on a monday or a friday, or over the weekend.
I think that says alot.

Why don't you just politely say 'No, sorry, I can't collect your DC today'? No need to get angry and lose friendships over it.

I'm thankful to the mum who helped me out today. DS is in year 3 and this is the first time I needed to ask someone to help me out for 20 minutes. I'm on maternity leave so really shouldn't have been an issue but I had a hospital appt which overran. DD2 was diagnosed deaf, I think the mum who helped today rather thinks her annoyance - if she felt any - is insignificant tonight.

Thank you everyone for your perspective. As I said I have absolutely no problem with working mums, I will be one myself one day.

I think the real problem here is that the people constantly asking me for help arn't really my friends - they are the mothers of my childrens friends - just because our children like each other and I don't work doesn't mean that I would like to be their unpaid CM.

For a true friend, of course I would help out in any way I could.

I lot of good points raised - thanks for your opinions everyone and keep them coming.

if you feel like an unpaid childminder, then you are doing too much!

is it a lot more than a school pick up on a regular basis?

I am so glad that at my dd's school all the mums help each other out.

At the minute I rely on her friends mum to pick her up 2 days a week & drop her at her after school club. If that mum can't do it then another mum I am friendly with (In fact she even called me today for a chat & offered again that any day I was stuck she would have dd)

I have been a SAHM & now I am a full time student, I know what it's like to be there to help others & what it's like to help others.

I was pleased one day when my dd's friend's mum called me as she couldn't get time off work, her dh was abroad & her mum was on a day trip. I actually like helping other people out though & am glad when I can.

I have to say that the title is pants though, working mums (& mums like me who don't work, but still aren't at the school gates every day) try & arrange their childcare to the best of their ability, but are let down by others sometimes.

I have a c/minder & she is fab, but her ds is out at the same time as my dd & they go to diff schools so it's impossible for her to do both, hence me needing a favour from the other mum.

I can't wait for ds to start school. To have his friends round for 'playdates'. To build a 'friendship / aquaintance ' witht the mums of his friends. I like to think that in time, I could ask them to have him for an hour, if I ......needed to ..... rush to the dentist .....?
I don't see that it has anything to do with whether they are your friends or your childs friends.
It comes down to a balanced friendship, where no one takes advantage
AND you can learn to say NO, if need be.

nametaken, just say no.

How else are they supposed to know that you do actually mind??

If you keep saying yes & doing it for them, they are none the wiser about your true dislike of it.

Lots of sympathy for you. I'm a working mum who pays substantial amounts for childcare, as I wont ask favours, I respect SAHMs choice, and wont take advantage.

My problem is weekends - I am often fully booked with social activities, so when DCs are invited to parties, I frequently have to ask for help from other mums to transport my kids, but I find it hard to reciprocate as we are off doing something. I hate being in this position, but weekends cant just be about doing nothing, so you are there to ferry your kids to their social life. I'm working hard (and succeeding) to find a way to offer something back in return.

I am a WOHM and I sometmes ask my friends to help out, BUT I always give them a bottle of wine on arrival

Actually one of my friends - OK yes my DDs friends mum had DD for a whole day for me, at a weekend, with DD in a cast with a broken arm!! NOW that was WAY WAY beyond the call of duty and I truely appreciated it. I must sort a day out for her DD in return, perhaps at the christmas hols

And another thing - I only just gave up work this year, before that I worked 11 hour night shifts from 9pm to 8am and slept during the day.

I took this job 8 years ago because even though it was an auxillary nurse job which involved cleaning up vomit, urine and feaces, it fitted in with DCs and meant I would be there to pick them up after school and that I would be there to cope with any problems that may arise, like sick kids etc etc with having to inconvenience anyone.

This particular person swans around her office from 9 to 5 in suits and high heels - I used to come home from work with shit on my shoes and often worked christmas eve arriving home at 8.30 christmas morning when 3 little toddlers had already opened all their presents so yeah, I am annoyed with her

• if she can't organise her childcare she has to work then she should get a job like I had.

oh,so the real root of it is, you think she has a cushy job? and no right to need help becasue you managed with a much more demanding and difficult job?

sounds like you don;t really like her, adn that is why you don;t want to help her

if she is not a real friend, then you could just say no, as you have nothing to lose..

To be perfectly honest, I think you need to clamber down from that cross!!

alternatively retain for a "9 to 5 in suits and high heels" job too....

I don't think this has got anything to do with whether someone works part-time, full time or is a SAHM.

It is to do with what sort of person they are. If they are considerate and thoughtful they would not take advantage, whatever their working status.

I have a group of friends who would all help each other out if needs be. We are a mixture of part/full time workers and SAHM mums. No one takes advantage (yet!).

alternatively retrain for a "9 to 5 in suits and high heels" job too....

Sorry, your last post sounds like you are full of resentment.

Is it just this one woman or is it anyone who gets to wear high heels & a suit???

No-one made you get a job like you had, as you say, it suited your needs at that time.

Maybe this woman has worked hard to get where she is right now & if her childcare lets her down again, just say no. You never know, by next Xmas it may be her coming home with shit on her shoes.

I think maybe it's time to start saying 'no' if it's bothering you so much

I am retraining for a 9 to 5 job. By the time my training is finished the kids will be old enough to stay home alone a couple of hours if necessary.

Yes, I am full of resentment.

Yes, it is more about people taking advantage, whatever their working status.